For the past two weeks, I have tried-really tried to diet. I am writing down EVERYTHING I eat and counting up the calories (1000-1500 per day). I've cut out sugar, and bad carbs, and have been trying to be positive about it. As some of you know, I really got upset with myself the other day for eatting pizza but I decieded not to beat myself up and just eat small amounts of something if I REALLY want it and go on with my life. I've lost several pounds but It's been really hard.

My husband 6ft/125pounds! Eats whatever he wants - Ice cream, moon pies, Dr. Pepper! I don't think he even knows what a vegetable looks like! Well, he has no conception of what I am going through. Except that he would like to gain weight and can't!

Well, one of my fears is that he might really be disgusted with me(the way I look, my illness's and everything that goes with it, and stuff like that) and that if I lose weight - he might love me more that is if he really loves me now that is. I know this probably sounds insane but it really bothers me. I really want him to love me the way that I am but, I hate myself. So I feel like he should hate me, too.

Any ways, I hate it when I am really trying to watch what I eat because I feel so completely self consious. Like he's watching me to see how long I am going to stick with it THIS time. All the while, he climbs in bed with his moon pie or ice cream and drinks his cokes. He never seems to notice that I am eating next to nothing-atleast next to nothing that I really want to eat but let me pick up ONE FREAKING BROWNIE and he notices!!!

That by the way is what just happened! He is sitting there chowing on his sweets and I think-man, I really want some chocolate. So, I deciede to get me a small one. I crawl into bed and take a little bite. I'm thinking,"Man, this is soooo good. I am going to eat this really slow and enjoy this treat. I deserve it." I haven't even finished chewing the first bite when he pipes up,"I bet THAT has a million calories. I thought you said you were going to really try to watch what you eat?"

Well, that didn't go over too well. I chunked the brownie on the bed in his direction and then spit the bite I had in my mouth in the sink. I crawled back in bed and he just acted like nothing had happened. So, I got really mad and threw the stinking brownie across the room and came in here to talk to you guys.

Besides the fact that I feel like a fool for losing my temper and acting like a spoiled brat- I quess the thing that really bothers me is that it confirms my feelings of being "Watched!" and not really loved for who I am. I mean, Hell- I accept his skinny self! Then, I think, "FORGET IT!!! I am not even going to try anymore! Why should I? If he can't love me for who I am forget him!" I did the same thing as a kid. My dad would comment about what I was eating and I would eat more just because he didn't accept me the way I was.

Well, I am sure he is probably asleep by now. He is not one of those husbands that appologize or even come look to see if you are okay. So, I have to just deal with this-there is no talking things out with him-but I don't know how. I am so hurt and mad! Why do I let shi* like this get to me? And, how do I NOT sabotage myself.

Wow, Lauri!!! If you keep this up, your gonna be a skinny girl before you get banded!!!

Can you believe that I actually started to worry yesterday that I would lose too much weight and then the insurance would have another reason not to let me have the band!? Losing has been easier with all of you here for me but I am afraid of the yo-yo! I need a band. I must admit that for the first time in my life I am beginning to feel like I really could lose the weight and keep it off because of the wonderful, encouraging friends that I have here. Thank you so much.

Lauri, just start rolling up quarters to put in your pockets, since the insurance company probably will deny you if you're not heavy enough.

Hey that's a good idea! I could probably eat a big Breakfast, and wear those 'heavy' clothes that I usually avoid wearing when I have to get weighed the next time I go to my dr.s appointment, too!

I've still got to find a new dr. around here that takes my insurance! I guess I will start making calls Monday.

Lauri About the brownie you did way better than I, I probably would have ate that peice and then the rest of the pan... I am an emotional eater. Then I would have said "See what you made me do!" lol ') Oh and I am not joking. Then my poor hubby would appologise and not know what he had done. I tell him that my weightloss is my responciblity and he is not to try and "HELP"

Jack-Sweets make me feel bad,too! But-I don't have freaked out brownie dreams! What's in that water your drinking, anyways?

At lunch today, I looked around and so many people were eating all of this high fat/high carb stuff. You know what I did? I looked at everyone and noticed that MANY people are overweight. Strange, I have ALWAYS felt like the fattest person in a room. Today, I didn't-I wasn't. I ate a side salad at Wendy's(I couldn't even eat all of it). I felt proud of myself and I didn't get down on myself for eating unhealthy.

Hey, NSV- DH said that I was looking skinny, today! AND a lady that works in the dressing room at Wal-mart told me that I was pretty. No one has told me that in a long time! You know, I felt skinny and pretty today. Sure, I have a long way to go but I feel good about myself today.

Rica-Usually, I would have left the room, eaten the brownie and then whatever else I could find. Getting on-line with you guys really helps me.

I am soo glad... It has saved me on many occasions too. glas to see your better today!

Lauri, you're doing such a good job on the "head hunger". That is the hardest part to learn. I still struggle with that one. And who knows, you might just be able to handle your weight problems on your own - without a band! Boy, wouldn't that save you a lot of stress (fighting w/ insurance co. and $$). You've done a fantastic job so far. You're already learning and using things that I didn't learn until after I got my band. You're just that far ahead of the game. Good for you!

Thank you Rica and Marie.

Marie-I am learning so much everyday. But, the thing that really has helped is realizing that there are other people-smart, funny, loving people that understand what I am going through because they have been there themselves. I don't feel alone anymore. If you guys can do it - I can too-with your help that is!

That really is the key...other people striving for the same thing you are and encouraging each other along the way. Friends that you can share a little NSV with, or ask for a boost because you've had a bad day. If an ache or pain is bothering you, you can compare it to others and get some advice how to handle it. Our little cyberfamily! I know my DH isn't able to appreciate the little accomplishments like ya'll do. And Lauri, you help others on here just as much. It's a two-way street - of giving and taking.