Infidelity (long)


17 posts in this topic

Please forgive me if this is long.... And some of you might nail me to the cross for this I've been married going on 15 years. I'm 35 years old with 2 Children 12 and 15. 2 years ago almost to the day I met a guy. Now I may have been what society considers a fat girl but only now am I able to actually express that. I truly did not see myself that way. I was very confident, dressed well, hair did nails did everything did and although I was married-- NEVER had a problem attracting men. I was doing some shopping and kinda ran into this guy and looking back I think he may have strategically planned it but when I looked up there he was. I felt like I had been hit by lightening. He looked me in my eyes and said hello, then walked away. He had me at hello. He was extremely attractive. Why extremely? I could see him being on tv, or a music entertainer and it wouldn't surprise me he was that kind of attractive. My heart was fluttering and I was just a mess. Thinking why I didn't spruce up a bit before I left the house ugh!!! I mean wth, it's just a little harmless flirting. After trying to figure out 50 ways to sunday how I would tell this guy he was cute without coming off as thirsty I ultimately decided against it. I mean guys tell me how attractive I am all the time and it's normal but if a woman does it, it's an automatic signal that she wants you and that's not the message I was trying to send.

Well he found his way over to me again and struck up a conversation. We chatted a few brief moments then I'd shut it down and sashay with my basket over to another isle. He'd find me again. He never came out and flirted with me off rip but these random conversations were a big giveaway. After all he was obviously younger, he must've been nervous and didn't know how to approach me. Well he finally got up the nerve and found me in another isle walked up behind me and whispered in my ear Damn Ms ______ you look so good. Why did he call me Ms. ______ Because I had on a football jersey that had my sons last name and number on the back and I guess he just went from there. Here was my opportunity. I looked over at him as he walked away, tossed my hair, laughed very nonchalantly and said, yeah you too.

Well within moments he had come back with a piece of paper with his name and number written on it. he asked me to call him if I ever needed any home repairs, flooring or tiling. So I smiled and said sure I might just do that. Finally he asked me if I was married and I was truthful and told him yes and he made a case about wanting to be a friend to me, and just be someone I could talk to if I ever needed and that he would never overstep his boundaries. I politely declined and decided it was time to wrap this shopping trip up quick fast and in a hurry. As I was leaving the store I got to my car and popped the trunk I looked up and he was walking toward me eyes fixed. I got scared for a minute and asked "what are you doing?" he said I wanted to help you with your things. Please allow me. (Just like that. No lie) So he put my groceries in the trunk, pleaded his case once more and asked me to just give him a chance. He opened my car door so I could get in, and asked again would you please give me a call. I agreed and pulled off.

I could go into details about how this whirlwind affair unfolded but lets just say it was the best of times-- it was the worst of times. He was 22. No kids. Lived on his own. Had 2 jobs. Very responsible, a real gentleman, Old school. he was everything I never would have expected. I fell in love. lust. whatever. My world had been turned up. side. down. My husband found out, it tore him apart. Our family was broken and it was all my selfish fault. Did we have issues? yes. Nothing major. Nothing worth him being cheated on.

One day. He stopped calling and texting. he just disappeared like a thief in the night. I thought I would have a nervous breakdown. I didn't know what happened, why was there someone else? Did I say something do something? NOW things needed to end don't get me wrong they should have never began. But I started to wonder... would this have happened if I were say 75-100lbs lighter? For the first time I began to feel insecure about the way I looked. My weight never came up. He always told me I was beautiful, attractive, whatever but nothing else made sense. We reconnected and he just told me he had a lot going on with his job and he had to move out of his place and that he just needed to deal with it all and that he would never just leave me without saying a word.

He asked me about my husband and I told him we were working things out. He said I just want to make you happy (whatever that meant). then one day he said listen sweetie, its getting too hard for me not being able to have you when I want and spend time with you and I can't do half relationships. So I said fine. I understand no hard feelings. 8 days pass and I'm heartbroken he calls and says, I miss you so much. I love you, I'm going crazy, I can't sleep, I've been shutting people out cause I only want to be with you. He said he would be in the city and wanted to see me that weekend and it never happened. Then I didn't hear from him anymore. I called, I texted cause I thought he cared. He never responded. Once he returned my call, and I left my phone in the car. He left a message hey baby, call me when you get a chance. I miss u and I love you. Talk to you soon. I called him back, texted him... nothing. So I told myself # 1 I'm trying to work things out with my husband-- why keep this going on. ( I was addicted to him and I could not stop) # 2 He clearly is not that into you. His actions do not line up with his BS words if he really wanted to spend time with you or talk to you he would. #3 LET HIM GO... there must be someone else or he isn't attracted to you or something.

That affair tore me apart mentally. There was no closure. I was left with a empty feeling inside. 4 months later I see him on FB with a girl who and he was now "in a relationship". He was calling SOMEONE... texting SOMEONE just not me.

My husband and I are back together. I won't say he's fully recovered there are definitely trust issues there that will take a lot of effort on my part to restore. I do regret that affair. If I could do it over I would have run for the hills!!! I have convinced myself that (although it was wrong my ego was hurt still the same and my confidence completely SHAKEN) he did that because I was fat and he didn't want to hurt my feelings.

I've had a problem with flirting and getting myself in trouble with the hubby in previous years before I gained weight. Then I started gaining weight as a way to keep me honest, thinking guys wouldn't be as attracted to me and I could be content in my marriage and not wander off. it was working although I still got hit on.

I never want to go down that road again. But honestly 2 months after things ended I decided to have WLS. Now I didn't have surgery until 1 year later because although that was the catalyst I didn't want that to be the only reason. I needed to do it for me. My health, and my well being. I'm much better today. But I was just curious if anyone else had the feeling a relationship ended or never took off because of their weight. Or if you've had trouble staying faithful since weight loss. I will be honest, when I get to goal. I will have a professional photo shoot as my reward. My friend agreed to post a pic of me as her WCW as he is her friend on facebook-- to ensure he see's the new and improved me. (I know, petty) but It's only for my personal satisfaction but trust me I will never travel that road again. EVER again.

My hubby has loved me through it all and he deserves my LOYALTY. But sometimes I don't trust myself and wonder will old habits find their way back when I lose all the weight?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I think you have to examine all the reasons you went down that road in the first place....... what was going on within yourself and at home that made you feel like you needed this other thing?

also, secondly - you have to decide what *your own* values are, what kind of a woman you want to be and what you want your own future to look like.

my husband and I recovered from a bout of infidelity oh, about 12 years ago? because we both addressed the reasons within him and within our marriage why he strayed - set new boundaries on interactions with those of the opposite gender and decided what we *really* wanted out of life was to be together, to raise our children together and to be together for our grandchildren to come. That was how we saw our lives and values and we have never regretted doing the hard work to fix things. If you two decide that is what you want, you can do the same.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm gonna tell you the answer to your problem in 4 words. It isn't worth it.

Mind your business and realize that the issue lies within you. You won't find what you seek through sexual relationships with men other than your husband. Whatever it is you seek can only come from within.

Be good to yourself and don't engage in behavior that is hurtful to your loved ones or to you. In hurting someone else you will only hurt yourself more.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I wouldn't chalk his behavior up to your weight honey. He was a young guy actively seeking a relationship with a married woman - if he was looking for something serious and long term to be devoted to he wouldn't have proceeded with a MARRIED woman.

Plus, he was clearly attracted to you as you were.

There are definitely guys out there who chubby chase in secret, they go after the big girls but have the skinny wife at home. That behavior is messed up - but that doesn't sound like it was the case in your situation at all.

It sounds like you had a fun, frisky, thrilling affair until it wasn't fun anymore. Just try to remember the good stuff when you need a turn on and leave it at that.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@@Candygyrl - Yep, sounds like you were seduced. Some guys are predatory and they seem to spot low hanging fruit, not saying this was the case, but I've seen it. Now recovering from an affair is hard and it does require a great deal of investment.

An affair to a woman is very different than it is to a man. His hurt is that you disrespected him. That would not be your hurt if the situation was reversed. So please look at it from his perspective. (And this is interesting, nearly every book I see about recovering from infidelity and healing is from a woman's perspective. Guys who have been cheated on seem to leave, kill, or get over it. I'm sure there are exceptions, but not much written about it.).

At least you are not being tempted at this point. So you don't have lust playing with your emotions. But you have body issues as well as healing in the relationship. Those are two very different things. Deal with these separately. If hubby suspects you are losing weight so the 22 year old's will keep coming, he is going to resent any positive change. If you succeed at losing and he knows this, well it would be difficult to keep going IMHO.

I am not one to judge because to me monogamy is not natural. Never has been. I've met very few people that have only slept with one person ever. And when I have they have all been that way because of perceived social pressures, not because they were not tempted. I was faithfully married for 21 years. It has only been post marriage where I started really re-examining my beliefs towards marriage.

With my ex, we had negotiated complete fidelity within the marriage. I won't do that, nor expect in future relationship. I am completely happy with it now, but this has been a subject I have discussed with my significant other, and we are coming to a meeting of the minds in this area. I am of the mind that relationships should not be ruined because of sex. In the course of the marriage, kids happen, too much work happens and one partner can just lose interest...does that mean you have to rip up a relationship because one has needs and the other doesn't? It is worth discussing down the road, but for now you have some healing to do. Good luck.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm gonna tell you the answer to your problem in 4 words. It isn't worth it.

Mind your business and realize that the issue lies within you. You won't find what you seek through sexual relationships with men other than your husband. Whatever it is you seek can only come from within.

Be good to yourself and don't engage in behavior that is hurtful to your loved ones or to you. In hurting someone else you will only hurt yourself more.

Succinct

Accurate

Well said !

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

You won't find what you seek through sexual relationships with men other than your husband.

Really, that depends on what you're seeking!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

So painful. I did not have an affair so I can't exactly relate, but I think I relate to that feeling of an empty spot in your heart that you try to fill. In my past I have tried to fill it with food, even alcohol but those were short term fixes. I wonder if the tendency toward "flirting" is something similiar - trying to fill a painful, empty spot in your own heart. I am not a huge counseling advocate, but it seems to me that examining yourself right now, perhaps with a counselor can be super beneficial. I lost 150# and I call 2013 as my crazy year because I was so disoriented. If I was prone to using flirting/temptations/men to fill that emotional void - it would have been bad. It might be helpful to tackle this stuff BEFORE you lose weight because WLS, rapid weight loss, becoming thin is a head trip for some of us ... and you may go through some tough, and emotional times.

So, I had a past relationship that I had just a hard time letting go of. It wasn't even the relationship, it was the IDEA of the relationship that was painful. So, there was a phrase that I found hurtful "move on let go" and I made it my password on something I logged onto daily. It stabbed me in the heart everytime I typed it, but in about 1-2 months it stopped doing that. I changed the password, and I no longer felt that wanting.

If I were you, I would remove yourself (or him or whatever) from any contact, any social media, delete his number. There is no reason you should even know who he is dating...

Good luck in working this out. I am single after being in 2 long term relationships basically my whole adult life... and although there are things about singledom I love; having a loving supportive husband is a lot better.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

OMG thank you guys for your words of support. This thing has been weighing heavy on my heart for the last 2 years. There's not a day that passes that I don't think of him, but as time goes on I think of him far less.

@@Christinamo7 I agree. I went into counseling for severe depression for about 4 months. She helped me to let go and identify why I landed here to begin with. She gave me the tools to recover my self esteem and improve myself, my thinking and my responses so that I could be a better partner to and for my husband.

@@sharonintx you couldn't have said it better... coming out the other end of this-- it took me a year to finally say if I had the choice to do it all over again. I would NOT!!!! I had deluded myself into thinking if I had done this differently or said this or wore that then maybe this, and maybe that... NO. It was not worth it AT ALL. It wasn't worth the pain it caused my husband-- he took it so hard he acted very irrational and told our children and anyone who would listen. The energy it took to lie and deceive, the mental anquish, the constant fighting, the embarrassment, the pain, It just wasn't worth it.

@Higher--Thanks but my heart tells me otherwise and I'm at peace with that.

@@OKCPirate You're absolutely right! I was seduced... I made it more than what really was because I was trying to have the things I was missing in my marriage fulfilled through him.

@@CowgirlJane I have deleted all contact and will highly reconsider posting "After" pics to my friends FB page in the hopes that he see's it. WHO cares-- I'm happy, he was a kid, there was never any future with us. He deserves to have fun and share his time and life with someone who is available for HIM whom he can build a life with.

That doesn't mean my marriage is perfect, because it's far from it. I'm working on the issues I have now before the weight loss so that I'm prepared when the changes come about because lets face it they will come and I don't want to be another statistic.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I will say as a woman whose husband cheated 13 years ago, I truly learned what a broken heart felt like. We separated, divorced, and eventually reconciled. But there are few days that go by that something doesn't remind me of that time in our life. I see my life as before the affair and then after. After I am still a bitter woman and sometimes can't stand him because of this huge betrayal. Some days I hate that I fought so hard to reconcile that marriage. Other days I am fine and see how hard he tries to make it up to me. He has changed but that trust is so broken that it will never be repaired. He knows if it ever happens again, I will be gone and he will be left to pick up the pieces. This time it is just me, before we had a teenage daughter that had to be cared for. I think if you want the open relationship then both sides have to agree. If you married with fidelity being an understood or unspoken expectation of the marriage, it has to be honored or end the relationship and then move on to the next. I hope my weight loss doesn't cause other men to pay attention to me but if it does I'll probably be so oblivious to me I won't even know it.

Sent from my iPhone using the BariatricPal App

Edited by Dawnislas

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.