Yes, I'm working with a counselor on this stuff..lol

My family is in town visiting. My husband brought out old photos. The idea was to give his daughter copies. Its been two years since surgery. I have felt no need to look back. I had forgotten these photos existed.

There I was, Staring myself at my highest weight. I had a moment of clarity of how much denial I was in about my appearance. I twisted my mind to believe I looked better than I did. It was easier not to look at myself and pretend all was ok. I was so unhappy.

Family comments......."oh god you look so much better!" - "I would want you to tell me if I ever got that big"

I'm questioning all the work I have put into getting my mind right.. I am seeing myself correctly? My insecurities are in overdrive. I am so sad for where I was in life. I'm horrified thinking family is going to post the photo's.

I want to rise above and move on...I hate reminders of my past.

I used to not want to have my picture posted - but then I realized everyone who knows me and loves me already knows what I look like. what I looked like. of course now I love to see how much my life has changed.

Be proud of how far you have come! I am trying to be proud of who I was and who I am becoming because that woman is a survivor!

I am the SAME way! I still haven't posted any before and after pictures because I am just not sure I am ready to face how big I was! I think I need to dig them out though. I only kept one pair of old pants and took them out and tried them on probably 2 months ago and was astonished! I didn't want to put them on but knew I sort of needed to face it. And now I need to do the same thing with photos I think. It is hard to hear "I don't recognize you! You look fantastic" because mostly I hear "Holy cow you were HUGE before!" and I definitely lived in denial about that. BUT I know everyone means well. Maybe recognizing the life we did have will bring more joy in the life we have now? Rejoice in who you are and the hard work you have put in to this! You were still you then and you are still you now but now you have a purpose in something different you didn't have before!

Didn't mean to hijack your post but just wanted to say that I think this is totally normal for all of us!! And I truly hope the denial of it our past passes!

I am the only one who is surprised when i see old pictures of myself. Everyone else knew how fat I was except me. But I know my family loved me just as much then as they do now. And I have no doubt your family feels the same. Yes, our obese past can be embarrassing, but it's all a part of who we are. Make those photos a part of your motivation and pride in how far you've come!

Well said, Kindle.

Its not so much my appearance that has me a bit unraveled tonight...It's what was going on inside myself. The emotional pain and depression was overwhelming...Here is my most human moment...I really did not want to live just to get a break from the pain.

The photos took me back to that for a moment. I am not that person in the photos in so many way's.

@@Daisee68

Not hijacking this at all...I love to hear perspectives and see how people are doing...

@@Kindle I am proud and thankful for how far I have come. It's hard to look back. Family absolutely love and support me..They have not walked in my shoes..Its hard for them to relate.

Yes, I'm working with a counselor on this stuff..lol

I'm questioning all the work I have put into getting my mind right.. I am seeing myself correctly? My insecurities are in overdrive. I am so sad for where I was in life. I'm horrified thinking family is going to post the photo's.

I want to rise above and move on...I hate reminders of my past.

Without a past, you'd have no present. You'd have no husband, family, surgery or anything else. Poof! The good news is that was then and this is now. You knew the truth or you'd weigh 254 at this very moment. You weren't ready for anything else before exactly two years ago. Then something changed and here you are, slim, healthier and more beautiful. The whole thing is called real life and you, dear Jenn, like the rest of us, are not exempt. You've given birth to yourself -- the picture that matches your inner being. How bad can that be? (P.S. Your family's comments were unkind and uncalled for. Tell them so without a ruckus. "Darling, you are wonderful" would have been so much better from them. They don't have to have walked in your shoes. They merely need to be more respectful.)

Sigh.... Yes old photos of the old us. I am moving after 34 years and going through hundreds of old photos. Like many of us, I did not know I was that round! There it is... In living color..., the old me from ten years and 100 pounds ago!

Wow.. I am surprised how happy I look then. And I know I would not be happy now at that size. So WLS truly changed what my self image is and was.

note to guys... read this without a sneer and you will begin to realize what crap women go throubh

I posted in the Emotional, Mental, and Spiritual Health and Wellness

The reason I posted here is because this is about who I was on the inside at that time. How broken and fragile I felt.. The appearance/photos just reminded me of how messed up I was mentally. I have conquered and overcome.

@OKCPirate Correct me if I'm wrong...Have any of the guys experienced traumatic events before surgery? Have any overcome depression or any other struggles while working on themselves in the process of weight loss?

For me the change on the inside was the best gift I got out of my surgery. ***Laughing at myself***....Now I'm questioning if I'm the only one having this experience.

Jenn, I think it's a bit of body dysmorphia plus the photographic evidence of terrible, old feelings and situations we somehow survived.

Some photographs memorialize so visibly our pain.

Lately, a lot of my old fat pix have been surfacing, too. I cannot believe that I was so fat for so long. Then there are the old pix of me and the first (wrong) husband, pix taken at family funerals of the survivors, pix taken at reunions and weddings when many were hiding private pain so as not to bring others down. I look at those old pictures today and see so much that wasn't visible when I was younger.

One of the freedoms of growing older is that eventually secrets are revealed, and folks go, "Ooohhh, now I understand!"

And one more thing about dysmorphia -- when I first reached 135 pounds I couldn't believe how outrageously skinny I looked. And now, nearly a year later, I no longer look skinny -- just normal.

Thank goodness we're so adaptable. But it doesn't happen overnight.

@@VSGAnn2014

Some photographs memorialize so visibly our pain. Well said my friend.

I posted in the Emotional, Mental, and Spiritual Health and Wellness

The reason I posted here is because this is about who I was on the inside at that time. How broken and fragile I felt.. The appearance/photos just reminded me of how messed up I was mentally. I have conquered and overcome.

@@OKCPirate Correct me if I'm wrong...Have any of the guys experienced traumatic events before surgery? Have any overcome depression or any other struggles while working on themselves in the process of weight loss?

For me the change on the inside was the best gift I got out of my surgery. ***Laughing at myself***....Now I'm questioning if I'm the only one having this experience.

I have to say, that I have the same feelings most of the time. I have lost over a hundred pounds, but I still have more than a couple of hundred to go. I took a picture of myself the day of surgery and a picture the other day as a show of support for Orlando. I can't see the difference between the two. I am losing weight very slowly and I go back for my 6 month checkup on June 20th. I used to keep a food journal, but I stopped one day and I don't know why. I think we all go through body image issues and it is something I have to work on daily. I am so glad that this forum is here for me, because I get so much just reading the comments you all post. Thank you for letting me ramble on like this. You are my lifeline.

Sent from my SM-N910V using the BariatricPal App

I posted in the Emotional, Mental, and Spiritual Health and Wellness

The reason I posted here is because this is about who I was on the inside at that time. How broken and fragile I felt.. The appearance/photos just reminded me of how messed up I was mentally. I have conquered and overcome.

@OKCPirate Correct me if I'm wrong...Have any of the guys experienced traumatic events before surgery? Have any overcome depression or any other struggles while working on themselves in the process of weight loss?

For me the change on the inside was the best gift I got out of my surgery. ***Laughing at myself***....Now I'm questioning if I'm the only one having this experience.

I'm sure some men have, but I am always reminding myself how very different the thinking is between men and women. You were particularly descriptive of an issue that men should be aware of, but often are not. Jenn, I doubt you are the only one. I am amazed at my own transformation. I still remember the first time I didn't recognize myself in a reflection. The journey has been transformative on the inside as well as outside.

I am at the very beginning, pre-op. And lately when I look at pictures of me where I am now, I suddenly don't feel loathing and hate and disgust at my appearance. Since I hVe made this decision, when I see myself in photos or even the mirror, I strangely feel....empathy; sadness for where this person is; understanding all the really traumatic, unresolved pain that got her here; just an honest aching for how shredded I have been inside for so long. It's nice to not feel hate at my reflection, for once.

Sadly, strangely, I am still not able to conjure up that same kindness and empathy when I look at early childhood (4 and 5 years old) pictures of myself, where I first starting putting on weight during the time when my abuse and real trauma started. It's odd BC I absolutely adore children and am a fierce protector of them....you would think I would look at these sad pictures of myself as a child and feel empathy and Kindness. But, no, I still recoil from those pictures. Those pictures scare me, and I turn away from them. Why?

I hope that changes.

Sent from my iPhone using the BariatricPal App

So once again, I'm the odd ball out here. Losing weight did not change who I was on the inside. I had dysmorphia in the sense that I never thought I was fat. So when I lost 100 pounds my body finally matched what my head always believed. I had no problems adjusting to what I saw in the mirror. And to tell you the truth, from an emotional well being standpoint, I was a hell of a lot happier all those years being large, I just didn't know it.

My real depression and unhappiness didn't happen until I realized that in order to remain thin I could not dull the pain of life with food and alcohol. I became miserable. Feeling emotions rather than feeding them sucks. I finally sought out a therapist who is helping me work towards some sense of happiness again. So when it comes to old pictures, once I overcome the shock of seeing how big I really was, they actually bring back memories of how freaking happy I was....fat, drunk and happy. These days I'm just thin, sober, angry, and sad.