Jump to content
×
Are you looking for the BariatricPal Store? Go now!

About to be single!



Recommended Posts

Since starting my journey, my spouse started out supportive and now is being a big d!ck!! I'm at the point where I'm ready to get this surgery done and over with so I can move on!!!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Just so you know tho...

If you do decide to get rid of the partner, their weight doesn't count as weight you've lost...

You have to lose it off your own body, not just by getting rid of 180/250/whatever pounds of partner...

Just sayin'...

:D

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Not so fast....

Spouses being unsupportive at first is actually pretty normal. There's a lot of feelings going on I'm sure....fear for your health, fear of change, fear of the unknown. Talk to him about it. Educate him and help him understand what to expect leading up to and after surgery. Have him go to your appointments and support groups so he knows what's ahead. Maybe he will lighten up a little?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@@hollybower - I'm with Babbs. Separate for a season if you must, but everyone I know went through great angst making the decision to have surgery and were really tense the week before. So this is the advice I give to candidates (I'm a political consultant by profession) before they decide to run.

You are about to enter a time of great change. There will be sleepless nights. Your diet will radically alter. Because of the stress you will rapidly lose nearly 25-50 IQ points. I hope you will have enough at the end to keep a pulse going. Because of this you may not:

  • Buy or sell a business
  • Buy or sell real-estate
  • You will not marry, divorce or start a new relationship

Get all affairs in order before you throw your hat in the ring. You do not have the band width to make life changing decisions. I think the advice applies here too. Don't know you, but based on my experience, I think it's true.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm done. I just really don't think I have it in me to deal with MY emotions and fears let alone his BS!

There it is, right there: The "E" word. You can cut him loose if you choose, but, this a.m., when you were wailin' 'n cussin' about your bumpy weight-loss, his dickhood (dickishness?) wasn't thrown into the mix. How does his 180-degree turn manifest? No exaggerating.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

It is really tough to respond to posts like this because nobody but the OP truly knows the situation. Even if in cases where the spouse or partner was an unmitigated and unredeemable dick all around, I don't see how anybody but the person living it can truly have an adequate grasp.

That said, if he is becoming insecure because you are about to become attractive to other males, he needs to find a different way to deal with it. If you have no intention of leaving him, and that should be the baseline presumption, all he is doing to himself is weakening that presumption. It may even help to just come out and say it...that you won't have any trouble finding love again so he'd better behave. But he may not be able to help it, as he is acting out the emotions associated with having less control and leverage over your life. I support your thinking, but it may be worth it to give him a chance. If he becomes abusive, you don't owe him so much as an adieu, let alone a chance.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

It is really tough to respond to posts like this because nobody but the OP truly knows the situation.

True, but two things are at play:

A post or letter or almost any communication implies a request for response, even if mere acknowledgement. If the post omits details or doesn't name the type of response that's hoped for, the people who respond go ahead as they see appropriate. All we can do is our best with what we're given, maybe read between the lines a little, and then write from our own views of life.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

It is really tough to respond to posts like this because nobody but the OP truly knows the situation.

True, but two things are at play:

A post or letter or almost any communication implies a request for response, even if mere acknowledgement. If the post omits details or doesn't name the type of response that's hoped for, the people who respond go ahead as they see appropriate. All we can do is our best with what we're given, maybe read between the lines a little, and then write from our own views of life.

You are absolutely right on this one.... There is always more to the story. The decision to have wls may just be the straw that broke the camels back in this marriage filled with many other unmentioned situations.

In my situation, my husband was not receptive to the idea and it took me almost a year of continued dialog about the benefits of this surgery on my health before he was in agreement. It turned out that he was scared that i would die on the op table because of horror stories from when gastric bypass first came on the scene.

To overcome his fears, he attended my meeting with the surgeon and my nutrition classes. His discussion with the surgeon put his mind at rest.

There are a lot of things that can be tried before coming to a decision about divorce over wls if that's the only problem.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Bariatric surgery exposes the raw dynamics are our relationships and we find out how people really feel about us. If his virtues outweigh his vices, then, sure, you can find a way to manage the marriage more productively. On the other hand, life is too short to live with a jerk.

The worst thing you guys can do is to clam up and not talk this out. If the two of you can approach your issues with open and honest conversation, you will at least know where you stand. I wish you the best outcome that will give you peace of mind.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Ok so it is about his insecurities in regards to my becoming "more attractive to other men" and "all the attention I'll be getting." But you still don't have to make hurtful comments in regards to ones current size or the extra skin that I may or may not have afterwards.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I thought alot about how/if I wanted to respond to this post.

I wasn't married, but had a long term partner (over 10 years) who accepted me no matter what weight. Problem was, we lived like roommates/cousins/brother-sister. I am not just talking about sex, I am talking about the very nature of our relationship. It left a hole in my heart the size of the Grand Canyon.

I had lost about 125# and I was feeling so alive... i just wanted to share that with him. I tried so many ways, but in the end, i was overtly rejected.

One of the most difficult things I have done was end that relationship. My siblings were astounded, because he is the all around great guy, first one to help out in a pinch... but what they didn't know is I was never touched, kissed, looked at or cared for in a way that I expect in a loving relationship. and, there were some other issues too.

That was several years ago and in terms of fun factor since being single - epic. I am not talking about men being interested - I am talking about learning to dance, finding out the kind of live music I like, going to fun events "with the girls" and just having the freedom to do what I want, when I want.

We ended things very amicably, and in the end, he is probably my best friend although I rarely see him. Who was there when it was time to put down the family dog? him. Who was there when I needed someone to drive me to/from a recent surgery? him

Two of my girlfriends have since left their husbands (they were already skinny - not weight loss related) and mentioned that I inspired them to find a better life in middle age. It broke my heart to hear that.

As recently as like 3 months ago, I seriously thought about asking him to come back. I miss him. I miss having a whole family.

Luckily, I talked to my counselor and she said something that helped ease my 'doubts' - he is a better friend than life partner, isn't he? I have to admit she is right. (there were other issues I haven't disclosed that fit into this)

Anyway, none of us know your situation, the entire life picture. I just encourage people to thing really really hard about what they are giving up. Did I make the right decision to end things? yes I did, because I can't stand living with someone who doesn't want to hug or kiss me or talk to me about daily life.. like I just can't stand it and it made me feel horrible about myself. When losing weight didn't change anything (oh, and I had tried many other things too!) I realized that there was nothing i could do to fix things.

Even so, i still believe that it is worth trying to fix things.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

  • Recent Topics

  • Most popular:

  • Recent Status Updates

    • GreenTealael

      3 days post op and I want to go to the movies to see The Lion King... #slowdown
      · 5 replies
      1. FluffyChix

        Do it!!!! Go. Doooooo. EEEEEeeeeet!

      2. GreenTealael

        I just may!!!

      3. FluffyChix

        :) I give you permission to stand up every hour from your seat, kinda jiggle and shake and move your legs and sing along to whomever is on the screen at the time. :)

      4. GreenTealael

        My boyfriend might sneak away and leave me at the theater if this happens

      5. FluffyChix

        I doubt that. :D I'm thinking he likes livin' on Fantasy Island too much. :D

    • allwet

      https://www.cell.com/cell-reports/fulltext/S2211-1247(19)30834-4
      this one is interesting but a tough slog to get thru
      this review is easier to understand
      https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2019/07/weight-loss-rage-proteins/594073/
      · 1 reply
      1. Orchids&Dragons

        It will be interesting to watch as this theory develops. Thanks for posting!

    • Jobber

      Feel like it's time for a status update, I haven't been on here regularly in a while and I need to keep my mindset focused on my goals.
      I haven't weighed myself in ~ 3 weeks.  I think I'm becoming the opposite of "obsessive" about tracking my progress and it could cause me some issues.  The good thing is that there have still been quite a number of NSV's happening that is telling me that I'm still progressing without knowing what the scale says.
      First one is that a belt I bought about 5 weeks ago because all my other belts were too big is also on the last hole so I'll have to buy yet another belt again.  second, I bought new jeans about a month ago and I have a lot more slack in the waist than I did when I purchased them.  I also boarded a plane and had about 8 inches of slack in the belt.  Finally, I hit my goal last week of being able to ride go-carts with my kids.  The last time I tried about 4 years ago, I had to leave because I couldn't fit in the harness.  This was sweet victory and I showed those two how it was done on the race course!!  😈
      · 1 reply
      1. FluffyChix

        Congrats!!!

    • Krestel

      I just looked through all my old pants after my pre-op pants started getting to big. Keep in mind that I wear men's pants (usually cargos) because I am so tall 5'10"/5'11" ish. I also find that men's baggies tend to fit me better.
      I started out at a 44 in waist pant and quickly found that I was back down to my 42's. So even when thise got to be too big, I had to start pulling old clothes out of storage. After finding my 38's, I thought that these would not yet fit, but when I tried them on, they fit perfectly. I also found some older pants that now fit better than I remembered. What a relief! It's not like I can pop down to the store like I could do in the US and the styles here in Sweden are all skinnt jeans which I cant stand. I also found some 36's, but I'm not mentally ready to try those on yet. The biggest challenge will be buying women's clothing again. 
      · 0 replies
      1. This update has no replies.
    • allwet

      slow and steady wins the race.  don't get discouraged and just keep at it. Let your sleeve do its job and try not to stress yourself out.
      hope you are all having a great summer and enjoying what your sleeve has given you.
      just got back from a wedding in OR. and man am i afraid to get on the scale  
      · 2 replies
      1. Orchids&Dragons

        Fascinating! Thank you!

      2. Krestel

        Great reminder about how fast you can lose weight. The mind games we play with ourselves are the worst.

  • Trending Topics

  • Together, we have lost...
      lbs
    ×