Right now I am going through some stuff that I am not dealing well with. I am contimplating canceling surgery due to it. 5 years ago I left my family and moved 1500 miles away to marry the man I was so in love with. From the 1st day to now 5 years later I have not been accepted into this family. Day 1 should have been my clue when I was told by his mother that I was here to kill his daughter. Since then I have been screamed and cussed at, Hit, told my marriage was going to be tore apart by them. They even tell my husband lies. No matter what they have to do in order to make my life misserable and try to cause problems in my household. I have tried to deal with things for 5 years and accept his family because he is my husband and this is his family. But, its hard when its all pretend until they are caught doing something with ill intent. Then it is drama drama drama. I love my husband but have contimplated just leaving him because of his family. Why? Because it is never going to end. Things were going well for a couple months. Friday when I was so excited about having everything completed for my surgery and the doctor is sending my paperwork to insurance next tuesday i get my teeth kicked in again. Lies to my husband again.. And, then I was told skinny was not going to make me pretty. you have to be pretty fat. Sorry that she is fat and refuses to do anything about her weight. I am not doing this to be pretty or ugly. I am doing this for my health. I even had to hear how a coworker of hers is like a whore now that she lost weight. Now she is telling family diff things.. Of course I am not speaking to the family about it. But, with all this turmoil and my husband being my only support im scared to get the surgery. And, have been thinking very hard the last 2 days about cancelling it. Any thoughts?? My thoughts are I should have never started this journey without a good support system..

okcpirate i did read it.. took me awhile to get thru it all.. But, it is very similar other then I have not left yet. I do talk with the therapist that cleared me on my psych eval every week. He is also in agreement that I need to have the surgery and then once healed take charge of my life and go home since noone here has my best interest at heart. Thank everyone for giving me such support today.. it was a horrible day or me and im trying to get thru all this stuff without smoking a cig. i know they are trying to sabotage what i have done so far. i just need to quit allowing people to hurt me and live my life for me and what is to come after surgery.. i just know this is major and it scares me to go into it stressed out.

I'm just curious, what made u decide on the duodenal switch? I rarely see this one chosen. I'm really interested to know how you and your doc decided on this one. I'm assuming this is the one you are doing based on the forum this was posted in.

Also, women are very territorial over the men in their lives, including sons, brothers, etc. They are clearly jealous because you have "taken him away". So why let them when if this is the man you love? Stay with your man, let him know how much it bothers you, give him an opportunity to do something about it, and if all else fails, it's you and your man against the world. Truthfully, family can cause more headaches than adding positivity in many cases, so don't feel too bad. At least you have your man, which is more than some have. You'll be fine!

I decided DS because I have 100% trust in my doctor and he said that he feels this is the best surgery for me. I do love my husband and I have expressed how much this bothers me over and over. It takes him along time to even say anything. By that time I have already taken the abuse for way too long. I am going to get this surgery done. And, I have to be strong enough to do what I have to do if he can not stand strong against his family. He has openly admitted that they were wrong.. But, he thinks I should just ignore it and let it go away. He things i should not let it bother me.

Good for you on deciding to go ahead with surgery. Remember this is for you and be good to yourself. You are stronger than you think you are!

Well once i decided to just quit letting things bother me and do this for my health a halt was put to it. The scheduler called me about an appt, I had already taken care of what she needed and turned it all in last friday.. When I was talking to her she said they do not send out the paperwork to the insurance company they send it to the hospital pre auth dept.. Then they have 7 days to get it in and then the insurance has 15 days to get it back to them.. That is all great.. But, she told me my surgeon's schedule is now booked up thru the 3rd week of Nov. and she has 20 approvals sitting on her desk to call and schedule today. I had asked the doctor if we could get it in this year. He was pretty sure we could. I always knew there was a chance that we could not. I am not very hopeful that they will be able to get it into this year.. I can so not afford to pay my out of pocket max again.. And, some of the tests have to be repeated if surgery is not within 6 months of the test.. So, I will wait to see the outcome.. But, I am really not hopeful that I will even be able to have surgery at all

I know it's not my place to try to tell you how to spend your money but alot of people do not see this surgery as life saving except that it is. If you have to give up something else...anything else....in order to be able to meet your minimum then I say do it. There are lots of people who pay the whole cost of the surgery much less the insurance minimum.

If this surgery is for the quality of your life, it's worth every penny...YOU are worth every penny. So many of us do not feel we are worthy of anything good. The surgery is a good thing. Don't keep living the way you are. Get it done...even if it costs you because in the end...it will cost you more if you don't do it.

Don't let some a-hole dictate your future. You do YOU.

I wish there was another way.. There is nothing else to let go of in order to get the surgery paid for. There were family issues having to do with a grandbaby that had to be taken care of. She is worth way more then myself. And, with me being sick for the last 2 years not working and I paid the out of pocket this year already.. Well, there is no other way.. I have to look at it this way.. Everything happens for a reason.. If the doctor somehow gets me in this year then it was meant to be. If he cant then I have to know it was not what was right for me.

Jeez Louise!

I don't remember who sang this song (decades ago), but the key lyric and song title went like this:

"If you don't want me walkin' on you, get up off the floor!"

You don't need a husband or a family to be successful at this surgery. You do need the self esteem to take good care of yourself and if that means getting out of a bad situation and a husband who allows his family to treat you in such a manner then go.

You deserve better mentally and physically.

How old is the baby? My friend had it done and she has a disabled 2 year old that she has to completely care for. She had a couple friends come sit with her for a couple days since she couldn't lift her, but other than that she was fine. My son was almost 2 when I had the surgery, and he can walk, and he was fine. All you would need is someone to take care of the child while you are in the hospital, and your husband could do that if you had no one else..

Its not that i need someone to care for the baby.. she is back with her mommy.. but we have yet to financially recover from everything we had to put out. I squeezed by paying out of pockets this year. I just cant figure anyway to do it next year. I am just going to wait to see if they can squeeze me in this year. If not then it was obviously not right for me to have it done. God knows what I need and if it is meant to be it will happen.

I agree with so many other people on this topic. This surgery isn't for your husband, or his family, or his daughter. It's for you, so that you can get control of your health, and on an even larger scale, your life.

Your self-esteem has got to be shot at this point. You've sacrificed a great deal for someone who can't seem to be bothered even enough to stand up against the verbal abuse of his own family. It sounds like they're miserable people who won't have your back no matter what, and they certainly can't be counted on to support anything that will contribute to your overall health and happiness.

As others have already mentioned, as you lose weight, you'll gain self-esteem. Feeling better about yourself overall may lead to an increased ability to stand up for yourself, and less tolerance for abuse from people who don't deserve to be in your personal space anyway. Weight loss brings on general wellness, which leads to more opportunities in a career, which may lead to an entirely new life. You are a human being. You deserve to be treated with courtesy. You deserve to be loved and respected.

Be sure you make it clear to the scheduler that your ability to pay for surgery is completely dependent upon not having to meet a deductible again. Maybe they can work with you. I wish you the best of luck.

So you have a lot of really great advice here so I can only add a little bit of my story. I HAD what I thought was a great support group of friends. I have 3 friends and my husband who know about surgery. Honestly once it happened that all turned to crap. Don't get me wrong, my husband is as supportive as he can be. But as a woman (and I hope I'm not the only one) I wanted my girlfriends to talk to. My one friend was so negative about everything I put in my mouth - I can't eat sugar free pudding or cream Soups because they aren't healthy - Um... I am following my surgeons advice, what does she expect??? My 2nd friend is super jealous, she has been trying to lose weight for years. She doesn't qualify for surgery but hates the fact that I didn't either but paid out of pocket. The 3rd one just sort of avoids me because she really wants surgery too but with owning her own business she can't take the time off for recovery. I seriously lost my 3 best friends within a month after surgery.

Again, my husband is as supportive as he can be. To be honest he's a little selfish, he always has been and tends to put his needs before anyone else's. He hunts, fishes, does taxidermy, etc.... he was gone a lot in the first few weeks after my surgery. I think he just didn't know how to deal with me being in pain, or frustrated or what ever I was feeling because I am the strong one in the household. I will say that if I ever really did NEED something he was there for me but I really needed to NEED it. LOL

Anyway, my point is that I did it without a great support group of people in person. I have my friends here on this site and they have given me all the support and guidance I have needed. I also have a great Surgeon and Nurse that are available when ever I need them to be. Seriously, I paged my nurse at 9:30pm 9 days post op and she talked me down from the ledge. (if you haven't heard the emotional rollercoaster you go on once you start losing fat can be a little overwhelming) She seriously talked to me for about an hour and got me through it. This was my nurse.... LOL.

Think about why you are doing this surgery and what it is you want to gain and honestly... screw his family. They can butt out!

I wish there was another way.. There is nothing else to let go of in order to get the surgery paid for. There were family issues having to do with a grandbaby that had to be taken care of. She is worth way more then myself. And, with me being sick for the last 2 years not working and I paid the out of pocket this year already.. Well, there is no other way.. I have to look at it this way.. Everything happens for a reason.. If the doctor somehow gets me in this year then it was meant to be. If he cant then I have to know it was not what was right for me.

Talk to the scheduler...they can always find a way to fit u in. People will cancel, reschedule, etc. Trust me, you have to be assertive. I don't know you but you seem like a non-confrontational person...but when it comes to your health, you have to speak up and be your own advocate. I'm sure if you tell them what you've told us, and they know they are at risk of losing a patient, they will fit u in. With thanksgiving around the corner, somebody is gonna cancel lol...keep hope alive girl lol!

I skimmed through the last page, but I have to say something to you, and I really, really need you to hear this and think long and hard about your future with this man you married.

You do not have just an inlaw problem. You mainly have a husband problem, and that has allowed the inlaw problem to develop and the grow out of control. No man who loves his wife would let the rest of his family treat her the way he is allowing them to treat you. He would have slapped them down faster than fast and told them in no uncertain terms to treat you with courtesy and respect or he would cut them out of his life. There is no way this man is treating you the way you should be treated. He is a coward and spineless or just plain lazy and self centered... none of which are admirable traits to have, and mean that you will spend the rest of your married life feeling like you don't matter to this man since he can't stand up for you and give you the love and respect you deserve.

I had husband/inlaw problems in my early days, and I had a spineless husband that allowed that crap to happen. I could stand up for myself until the cows came home but ultimately, without him finally locating his spine and tell off his mother and laying down the law about how things were going to be... well, I'd have left otherwise.

You deserve to have a loving relationship where your husband protects and looks out for you, just like you should do the same for him. Ignoring the issues or saying it's not his problem is a horrible cowardly and lazy and HURTFUL thing to do. It is no wonder you're feeling lost and unsupported... because YOU ARE. How you can say you are in a loving relationship - sure, you say you love him but what does he do show he loves you just as much? It is all made up fantasy land stuff unless and until he stops letting his own family treat his wife like a doormat. A true marriage is not lopsided like yours appears to be - there is mutual respect and love and support. You seem like you give all and get nothing. Why is that?

You deserve so much more than this. Keep talking with your counselor, but it might be time to really examine what you're getting from this relationship if he can't even support you and show you are loved and cared for.

Edited October 7, 201510 yr by FrankiesGirl