Spouse not supporting the new you?

[Boo Boo Kitty 3]

Hello all, I want to know if I am the only one in this situation or I am not alone. Maybe someone can help me.

My DH pushed me to loose weight. And now that I have he no longer kisses me, minimal sex, never tells me I look good, the list can go on and on.....I feel like he doesn't support the new me, the more I loose the farther away we are. Anyone else experience this? Is there a way to help it or am I just doomed?

[faithmd 14]

Hello Brandy, is he having issues because of everything else that's gone on (your other health scare)? Or was he already behaving this way before?

Come join us in the Intimacy thread, you're not alone:

http://www.lapbandtalk.com/f15/intimacy-36013/

[coltonwade 27]

Hello all, I want to know if I am the only one in this situation or I am not alone. Maybe someone can help me.

My DH pushed me to loose weight. And now that I have he no longer kisses me, minimal sex, never tells me I look good, the list can go on and on.....I feel like he doesn't support the new me, the more I loose the farther away we are. Anyone else experience this? Is there a way to help it or am I just doomed?

I have a friend who was having major problems w/ this after she was banded (not banded yet myself will be in july) she was telling me all the problems she was having that her husband was not doing . The questions I asked her was , Have you told him what he's not doing ? Basically their issues were he was not meeting up to HER expectations that SHE had for him. But it wasnt anything he had been doing differently than before.

My husband is not the kind who tells me often he loves me , he shows me alot in different ways . He's not one to kiss me often , or hug me . So Im not expecting more of that as I loose weight. . So i guess my suggestion , not being in your shoes QUITE yet, is to tell him how you feel first, what your expecting, if he's not the kind to normally tell you these things, let him know that you need more of that now.

I dont think your ever "Doomed" as long as both of ya'll are still willing to work on it . See if he's willing to go to a support group or counseling w/ you.

Marriage counseling saved my marriage several yrs ago .

HTH Feel free to IM Me if you like .

Love ya

Mindy

[MsPris 0]

Boo Boo Kitty:

I'm not aware of your other med problem, however let me say this. I'm 53 now and being banded on July 19th. However, when I was about 28, I lost 84 lbs on my own. I went from 188 to 104, I'm only 5'2".

My ex-husband never reacted any differently to me. Didn't tell me he loved me when I was heavy - didn't tell me when I was thin. I guess in my mind, I expected him to change, as I changed. So, coltonwade, might very well be correct.

However, every one else reacted to me differently. And I received lots of attention - from lots of men, since I was working in a chemical plant with mostly men who saw the change in me. And I, liked the attention. But it hurt me the attention I craved wasn't coming from my husband.

Years later, after we'd been divorced, he confessed he had actually been jealous of my new look and his lack of attention was the only way he knew to 'punish' me. He recited the words to a song from years prior, "If you want to be happy for the rest of your life, never make a pretty woman your wife, as for my personal point of view, get an ugly girl to marry you." ....and we all know in our society - if you're not thin - to many people you are ugly. sad, but true.

So, my advice to you, if this relationship is one you want forever, fix it as soon as you can. If you need to, seek counseling, and reassure him that you loved him when you were heavier and you'll still love him now that you are thin.

Get to the heart of the problem, but whatever you do - don't let his insecurites - if that's part of the problem - sabotage the hard work you have done.

Good luck to you and I hope everything turns out well for you.

Pris

[Boo Boo Kitty 3]

Hello Brandy, is he having issues because of everything else that's gone on (your other health scare)? Or was he already behaving this way before?

Come join us in the Intimacy thread, you're not alone:

http://www.lapbandtalk.com/f15/intimacy-36013/

Actually I think it has gotten worse, I never even thouoght about that! He is just so disconnected. I hate it.

[cmaiorano 0]

maybe you have changed and do not need the other 1/2. Perhaps you were un-secure before and needed that attention and now you do not. Just a thought. My husband never worried about me before, but now he asks all sorts of questions-where are you, who are you with , are you working on the road today etc. Never before did he ask that. But I have to tell you honestly, I do not feel dependent on him at all---this is about me and my needs not his.

[libra 13]

Hubby and I have has some serious problems, but I'm not sure they're related to the band. The difference is I think my husband is afraid of my newfound confidence. We've started counseling but it's not looking good at the moment.

[coltonwade 27]

Hubby and I have has some serious problems, but I'm not sure they're related to the band. The difference is I think my husband is afraid of my newfound confidence. We've started counseling but it's not looking good at the moment.

Im curious how many of ya'll who are having problems w/ husbands were thin when ya'll met your husbands ???

I only ask wondering myself... I was 130-140 pds when I met my husband .

He knows my personality when I was thin, in fact he has said before he wants that personality back , He see's im not the same person, not happy over wt. So he kind of knows what to expect of me thin. So i was wondering if any of ya'll who are having problems now , were thin previously when you met your husbands and you are still having problems now .

Or if this is a case of this truely is a new you and they just didnt know what hit them sort of speak . IF that makes any sense ?

Thanks

Mindy

[aubrie 6]

I told my husband months ago that I was going to get banded. I'm not banded yet. He didn't ask any questions, he never mentioned it, he never discussed his feeling about it. I figured, okay I'm doing this for me. I don't care what he thinks. He's never really said much about my weight, and was always just concerned about my health, not so much how I looked. He didn't freak out when I gained 100+ pounds, and even said he likes a girl with meat on her. He hates skinny, bone thin women. Not attracted to them at all. Lately, I've been a little hurt that as my surgery gets closer, he hasn't said anything. Then yesterday, he said, and I quote: "Babe, how about I take you shopping today. Lots of sales and with your new professional job, you need some professional clothes. but we shouldn't spend a lot, because this time next year you'll be a lot thinner and will be needing a new wardrobe." WOW!!! I almost fainted dead away.He was actually supportive. Men are funny. sometimes you think they don't have feelings about stuff, don't care or aren't interested, when actually that couldn't be further from the truth. I think my hubby just didn't want me to be scared, or he didn't want to hurt my feelings in any way. As for your husband pulling away from you. did you ever think HE might be scared for you? My husband has seen me at age 31 and 130 pounds. He stuck by me for the gain, (age 48 and 255 pounds) I have to believe he will stick by me for the loss. Good luck to you. and TALk, TALK, TALK!!!!

[coltonwade 27]

I totally agree w/ you aubrie, My husband is a "Big strong red neck" kind of a guy. Doesnt and hasnt ever been one to talk about things. Just as an example his mom died 2 yrs ago on HIS Birthday . He cried when he found out and at her funeral that was IT , someone said something to him about not talking about her much , his response was ' Why should I talk about "IT" its done and over w/ its in the past " When I told him about my surgery he didnt say much either. He told me if that's what i wanted to do . The ONLY Thing he has ever said to me about my weight (I was 130ish pds when we met) was if your not happy w/ how you look do something about it or stop complaining "

Then one day we got into a huge fight about him not caring about my surgery. he comes in and slaps down a folder. It was FULL of papers he printed out off line ( he's not the most computer literate person either) of lap band info . Turns out he had been researching lap band for several months with out me knowing about it . And one of our customers wants the surgery so he had been talking to him about it also .

Men are so weird. they do strange things.LOL

I do see how ( and Im not excluding myself from this yet either) couples can encounter some serious probelms post op if they do not communicate .

Also if there are ANY kind of trust issues I see the potiential for some issues as well

Look forward to talking to ya'll

Mindy

[Boo Boo Kitty 3]

Im curious how many of ya'll who are having problems w/ husbands were thin when ya'll met your husbands ???

I only ask wondering myself... I was 130-140 pds when I met my husband .

He knows my personality when I was thin, in fact he has said before he wants that personality back , He see's im not the same person, not happy over wt. So he kind of knows what to expect of me thin. So i was wondering if any of ya'll who are having problems now , were thin previously when you met your husbands and you are still having problems now .

Or if this is a case of this truely is a new you and they just didnt know what hit them sort of speak . IF that makes any sense ?

Thanks

Mindy

I wasm 16 and thinner than a rail when we met almost 15 years ago. He should know the person I was then skinny. I don't feel like my personality changed at all fat, I was still me just hidden under weight. Most people have told me that they are surprised that I haven't changed in personality. Which I find weird...

As for us, the last few days have not given me much reason to hold out hope.

[coltonwade 27]

I wasm 16 and thinner than a rail when we met almost 15 years ago. He should know the person I was then skinny. I don't feel like my personality changed at all fat, I was still me just hidden under weight. Most people have told me that they are surprised that I haven't changed in personality. Which I find weird...

As for us, the last few days have not given me much reason to hold out hope.

OH my personality has changed totally . I see it , my husband see's it so do my friends . Im normally a very outgoing , extraverted person. I am still some what outgoing but not like when im thin . For the past 6 yrs I have not wanted to do many things out i public, I have to commit myself to do things w/ friends in order to even get out of the house . I dont do things w/ my husband and kids as a family usually w/ out a fight w/ hubby . The past few yrs have been better. I DREAD going places that I MIGHT run into someone i know from high school or who I havent seen in yrs because they might see my fat.

Im not as happy as I was before. I am not as friendly as I was before and not as outgoing . I use to be the "life of the party " the one everyone wanted to be around, the one everyone called when they went out ( Not tyring to be arragont) im just not that person anymore. I know and so does everyone else.

Hubby says he wants that person back , so do I . I have lost my sense of myself and my sense of humor along the way .

Mindy

[libra 13]

I was overweight but nowhere near my highest. I really think he's overwhelmed. He's said several times that he's afraid that I want to move on and experience the life I never really got to have. I tried to get him to understand that he's right. I do want to really get out and experience life now, but I want to do it with him.

I don't know how this is gonna end up. I can't call a friend without getting the third degree.

[coltonwade 27]

I was overweight but nowhere near my highest. I really think he's overwhelmed. He's said several times that he's afraid that I want to move on and experience the life I never really got to have. I tried to get him to understand that he's right. I do want to really get out and experience life now, but I want to do it with him.

I don't know how this is gonna end up. I can't call a friend without getting the third degree.

Im sorry your having problems , I cant remeber if you said or not , will he go to counseling ? Sounds like it might be a good idea for ya'll.

I hope things work out. Maybe once he see's that you wont go anywhere he'll come around.

Mindy

[Boo Boo Kitty 3]

I was overweight but nowhere near my highest. I really think he's overwhelmed. He's said several times that he's afraid that I want to move on and experience the life I never really got to have. I tried to get him to understand that he's right. I do want to really get out and experience life now, but I want to do it with him.

I don't know how this is gonna end up. I can't call a friend without getting the third degree.

Libra

I am sorry. It seems we are in the same boat.....blah...