My DH and I have been married almost three years. Prior to us getting together, my DH lived with his mom and step dad. (He was 35 when we married & I was 32.) He helped pay bills, buy groceries and took his folks on vacation. A few months before I moved to SD my DH rented a small house. We lived together for a year, then got married. My MIL continued to expect my DH to give her money and or drop everything to come do something for her. I put the brakes on him giving her money once we were married. I told him if we give her money, we should give my parents money too. He agreed and stopped giving her money. Our step dad passed away and she moved into a apartment. Things were good for awhile. Now she is back at terrorizing all of her family. (She has three sons that live in the area.) She calls several times a day (we have caller id), complains about everything, there is NEVER anything good in her life. She says she NEVER has any money (she gets her husbands soc. security & works 32 hours a week and makes $8 or more per hour.) She has had a gambling problem in the past and we suspect that is the issue again. She is driving us bonkers and causing un-needed/un-warranted stress in our lives. We try to involve her as much as possible in our lives, but we don't need Mrs. Negative all the time. What really got me boiling again is this past Saturday's local paper ran a section on dedications to mother's. Families could email a submission to "why my mom is my hero." I wrote a nice one up for my mom and one for the MIL from her sons, grandchildren & us DIL's. She hadn't saw the paper, but I made a zerox copy and gave that to her. She just glanced at it and sat it aside. My SIL made a big ta do about it and said "Oh wasn't that so nice what Pam And DH put in the paper for you." Then the MIL read the clipping and just grunted and never said anything more. I was iritated to say the least. The MIL expects so much from her sons & family but we never get credit or a thank you. She never acknowledges a birthday or even our wedding. (She went all the way to MI with us and never gave us so much as a card!) We also gave her a surprise 70th birthday party the Sunday before her birthday. I went out of my way to find out her friend's addresses and let everyone know. She never even said thank you to me, and everyone told her I planned it all out. Then she had the nerve to whine that no one sent her anything or called her on her actual birthday (it fell during the week, we work nights.) I am at a lost and don't know what to do. The family is finally working together and seem to be on the same side. The sons dont want a confrontation with her, but yet are in the most part in agreement something needs to be done. Sorry for the long post, but if I wrote everything that this woman has ever done, I would be typing all day. Any ideas to make our life easier?

You and your dh should move as far away from her as you can. Is it possible that he can find work in another, distant state? You should also investigate getting call block on your phone. This will allow you to block any in-coming phone calls made from her phone number. The truth is that she is a selfish, self-absorbed, and destructive individual who causes you and your family nothing but emotional stress and cash pay-outs. This relationship is a one-way street.:tired Dump her as quickly as you can. There is no possible value to continuing this relationship. You can visit her at her funeral if you like.

Green.....I hope your tongue was planted firmly in your cheek when you posted this. She is DH's MOTHER....you can't expect him to "dump" his mother! Every time they have a tiff for the next 50 years, he will come back with, "I gave up my mother for you. The least you could do is ___________(fill in the blank) for me."

NO...NO...NO

Do not make your DH choose between you and his mother. You may win in the short term, but eventually you will wish the old bat was back in your life, because you will have handed him the biggest bargaining card there is!

She is his mother, and no matter what, he loves her. Just as you love your mother. It matters not if your mother is a saint and his is a fruitcake.

And besides....would you really want a man who would cave in and dump his own mother that easily? Wouldn't that worry you, just a little? Like....maybe it wouldn't be much harder to ditch the wife and kiddies?

We won't be dumping the MIL. Unfortunately the idea of moving far away is not in the cards. I will allow her in my home and tolerate her bs, but only for the sake of my dh and future children. Other than that she can "bite me"!

Green.....I hope your tongue was planted firmly in your cheek when you posted this. She is DH's MOTHER....you can't expect him to "dump" his mother! Every time they have a tiff for the next 50 years, he will come back with, "I gave up my mother for you. The least you could do is ___________(fill in the blank) for me."

NO...NO...NO

Do not make your DH choose between you and his mother. You may win in the short term, but eventually you will wish the old bat was back in your life, because you will have handed him the biggest bargaining card there is!

She is his mother, and no matter what, he loves her. Just as you love your mother. It matters not if your mother is a saint and his is a fruitcake.

And besides....would you really want a man who would cave in and dump his own mother that easily? Wouldn't that worry you, just a little? Like....maybe it wouldn't be much harder to ditch the wife and kiddies?

A good and measured response, Carlene, but I have got to confess that my tongue was not really that well anchored in my cheek when I fired this one off. Mea culpa. I always love it when you respond for I am a real hot head and I tend to be intolerant of what I see as the victimization of one generation by another. You moderate my responses and provide an excellent counterweight.

What I see as going on in this family is that dh's mother is an egotistical, self-absorbed, destructive woman and that this pattern of behaviour is deeply entrenched. She is costly to this family both psychologically and financially and there will be no payback. Furthermore, reading in between the lines, and I may be wrong on this, it may well be that this woman's son finds himself none too fond of the old lady and is only shackled to her through a sense of convention and feelings of guilt. If this is in fact the case he may secretly be longing for his wife to give him the nod to set himself free.

And remember, the Bible does say something along the line of leaving the parents and cleaving unto the wife, I think.

Of course my advice comes coloured by my own background and yet I must also confess that I really, really like the ethical/moral style by which you are managing your life. (Your approach is a kinder, gentler, more tolerant approach.) I see this woman as being a dreadfully destructive individual and my personal inclination is to cut her loose and to move on. I would wish to do this for the health of my family. This is, however, a harsh and pessimistic approach to the problem of the question of how to deal with a nasty old gal.

She is seeking reaction from you. You can't change her, but you can change how you react to her. Your husband and his brothers need to stop cowtowing to their mom. It's easier for them to just "go along" with her behavior than to set limits. That is their problem. Don't take on her issues - make a nice gesture, if she refuses, go on with your plans. Life is full of choices - she chooses to be miserable. She is depressed. You may want to offer to help her seek counselling for her depression. If she refuses, that is her choice. You are not obligated to sit by and watch, however. Best of luck to you, honey.

__________________

She is seeking reaction from you. You can't change her, but you can change how you react to her.

I agree with this. Just don't play.

Also my personal rule of "when in doubt, do the unexpected" tends to change the balance of things!

Thanks everyone for your encouraging words. It helps to know there are people in this world that understand my situation. I will keep you all posted.

I have a similar situation with my MIL. We've never gotten along. When DH and I were beginning to date, he began setting limits in order to keep our relationship mature. My MIL is self-absorbed, immature, reactionary and attention seeking. She's had the martyr routine down for many years. We never do enough for her, never call enough and never see her enough. She's jealous and bitter. She is toxic. We are not her only targets.

Before DH and I got married, we decided to seek some family counseling to describe our unique situation. We are both family oriented, so to have this stress with future MIL...well, it was going to make it a tough marriage with DH trying to figure out where he should plant his loyalties.

The counselor we saw was impressed by a few things

1. That I didn't MAKE him go to this counseling session.

2. That we were trying to figure out a strategy BEFORE getting married

3. That we were wondering if it's just us being self-absorbed and not wanting anything imperfect to exist, or if we really are seeing things clearly.

4. That I wasn't sitting there pointing my finger at my husband describing what he won't do to set limits with his mother. I sat there and supported my future husband in trying to figure out what is normal to expect when he's a son and going to be a husband and how to balance the two.

After the counselor heard us out for a couple weeks, she had a clearer understanding of what we were going through. She asked us if it was possible for us to move away from the future MIL. She stated ( and was correct in her assumption) that something rather devastating happened to my MIL in her younger developing years that stopped her from maturing emotionally past a 3-5 year old. Consequently, she acts like a small child. Everything is about her, and she pouts when guidelines are put in place, like calling before you come over and such. ( I thought that guideline was going to send her to the looney bin with the war she wanted to start over that rule)..ANYWAY I have WAY too many examples of this woman trying to get us to be her retirement plan, her psychiatrist, her best friends instead of her son and his new wife. We moved away. 200 miles away for a new job. This was the best decision as it's now created a solid boundary. We visit and she still irritates us with her disappointments and nagging....but now, we don't have to stay and listen to it. Also, the phone calls are down to 1-2 a week and DH is better at playing the game...the game of realizing that emotionally and mentally, MIL is a small child. You can't expect someone like her to change without a LOT of help and desire on their own part. A lot of what these crazy MILs do is to attract attention. You are best set by not feeding that energy. At family get-togethers, I move constantly away from my MIL. She's been nothing but hurtful and I just can't fuel that fire anymore...I'd rather fuel sexier fires with DH at home alone.

My advice, invest in a few sessions with a family therapist. Take DH, or go alone, but get advice from someone that is exposed to family issues on a regular basis so you can be getting advice from a professional.

I'm not sure who said it, but I totally agree that when a woman gives birth to a son, that he will leave someday to be with his wife. When a woman gives birth to a daughter, she'll have her all her days. We try to remember this as we grow as a couple, because one day, we'll have children and will have to remember what it felt like when 'mom' gets too nosey, too needy, and too destructive. We want to build up that good mommy/son karma, so we can be proud that we raised a man who can make it on his own with his own family.

Sometimes my MIL makes me crazy, but I am still not sorry I allowed her to come live with us, and it's been almost 4 years. She is my DH's mother and doing this for her was the biggest thing I could ever do for HIM. I mean....that's HUGE - inviting another woman to live in your house with you. And he knows it. And he appreciates it. Moreover, I have three sons and I hope that someday, when I am old (older, I should say) and toxic, their wives will be somewhat nice to me.

I am not a perfect MIL, but I try. When my oldest DS and his wife were young and poor and had a chronically sick baby, I drove her everyday for a month to the hospital to see him (Nick, my first grandchild). I bought his clothes and shoes for the first 4 years. And I took him regularly and had photos made, so she would have pictures of her baby. And when their second child was born, I left the hospital and went to the one hour photo place and had pictures of the newborn processed and overnight mailed them to her mother, out of state, because she couldn't be there to see her new grandson. Now my DS and DIL make lots of money and have tons of photos, but haven't given me one in over ten years. Not one. Not even a school picture. We were at her house last night and DDIL had boxes of photos out, for some reason, and I was looking thru them and dropped lots of hints ("Oh, I love this picture! I need this picture.") but she did not offer to give me a single one. But when she asked for the big studio photo of myself and DS, taken when he was a baby, I took it off my own wall and gave it to her.

I console myself with the fact that she is the mother of boys, and someday she will know how it feels. Do unto the mother-in-law, girls, as you would have the daughter-in-law do unto you. It doesn't always work, but it's still the right thing to do.