What is your heart's desire - the thing you want so much that it takes up most of the room in your heart? A partner, child or friend? A job, home or vacation? Or is it weight loss - the thing that brought you to BariatricPal in the first place?

YOUR HEART’S DESIRE

What is your heart’s desire? Be honest now, with yourself if not with me. If your heart’s greatest desire today isn’t weight loss, that’s OK. There are lots of things in our lives that are just as important, or even more important, than weight loss. After a lifetime of dieting and weight problems, my mother’s dying wish had nothing to do with her weight. Her greatest wish was that her grown children (both in our 50’s) would stop fighting with each other. Maybe your heart’s desire is that your partner will love you more (or better). That’s OK too, as long as you understand that weight loss probably isn’t going to achieve that. Maybe your heart’s desire is to become a neurosurgeon, and you somehow believe that weight loss will make your studies easier or faster, or it will ensure your acceptance to medical school (but think twice about that last one).

What if you don’t know your heart’s desire, but you hope that weight loss will help you find it? That’s entirely possible, but it may not be revealed to you in a sudden, blinding flash. You may have to go groping around in the dark for a while before you find it.

JUST WANNA BE THIN?

Is your heart’s desire simply to be thin? Are you sure of that?

Before I ask you a question, I first try to answer it myself, and it’s not easy for me to answer this particular question. For much of my life, it’s been fairly easy to talk about what I don’t want. I don’t want to be fat, I don’t want to listen to another doctor lecture me about my high cholesterol, I don’t want freak-show breasts, and so on and so forth.

When I decided to have WLS, I focused on the desire that burned most brightly in my dark life: weight loss. Intellectually I knew that things in my life other than my weight would change as a result of the surgery. My surgeon and nutritionist made it clear that I must change my eating and exercise behavior. I didn’t especially want to change those things – who doesn’t want to effortlessly lose 5 pounds a week while sitting on their butt eating potato chips and cookies? – but I nodded obediently and gave myself a stern self-improvement lecture for perhaps the 200th time in my life. I thought that weight loss was the most precious prize I could ever win. Everything else paled in comparison to it. Weight loss has indeed been a precious prize, but it has turned out to be the ruby instead of the diamond in my crown.

We tend to believe that weight loss will cure all our problems. While it will indeed solve some problems (especially health-related), it also introduces us to some brand-new ones. Like my friend Joni, who after getting her heart’s desire (a baby), was astounded to realize that caring for that baby was going to be her 24-hour-a-day job at least until he turned 18, we discover that maintaining weight loss is a lifetime job. It may not require all 1440 minutes of our attention every day, but it’s still there and it’s still work. On the whole, I’m OK with that. I’ve come to realize what a precious gift my body is after decades of despising it, so I’m willing to give it the attention and nutrition, the relaxation and pleasure, the exercise and rest that it needs to in order to carry me onward.

I discovered something else after achieving my heart’s desire. As soon as it was in my eager hands, I started looking around for another heart’s desire. Identifying that and figuring out how to get it has taken me longer than I expected, and I’ve changed my mind a few times along the way. I usually make decisions quickly, preferring to make a bad decision over no decision. What do I want now? Do I really need something else, or am I a compulsive seeker of experience and sensation? Am I still trying to fill the bottomless hole that I used to stuff with food? Or do I already possess my heart’s desire – such as a personal relationship with God – and just don’t recognize it?

Sometimes I wonder if naming my heart’s desire is so hard because I wrongly persist in thinking of it as a thing – something as tangible and solid as a book or a chair or a car. Perhaps I should look instead for a place or even a state of being.

OK, OK, don’t go to sleep quite yet. I’ll stop my philosophical meandering and tell you my secret heart’s desire.

I want to live.

After decades of self-punishment, frequent despair, and several attempts at total self-destruction, I want to live. And I want to live well, in a way that celebrates life. No more hanging back, no more wasting time. No more time spent counting the minutes until mealtime, or how many cookies are left in the Keebler package. I’ve got to stop fearfully dismissing new things because “I’ve never done that before,” or because “I don’t know how to do that.”

SO HOW DO YOU RECOGNIZE IT?

How do you recognize your heart’s desire? How do you envision and name it? Are you living your life like a shopper who doesn’t know what she/he is looking for, who says, “I’ll know it when I see it.” I know that feeling, but I wonder if a gut “that’s it” reaction always sends us in the right direction or helps us make the best decisions. No big deal when choosing a color of nail polish, but is it safe when choosing a career, a partner, or a medical treatment? While my analytical skills are overdeveloped, I also know that my built-in danger detector tends to sound the alarm when I’m facing something unfamiliar or unknown. With the alarm blaring in my ears, I back away or even beat a retreat from whatever adventure or challenge I’ve glimpsed.

About 10 years ago I spent a long weekend in Honolulu when on my home from an overseas business trip. While there, I stood at the edge of a cliff and watched other visitors snorkeling in incredibly clear water, only inches from coral, shells, and undersea life so vivid I could see it easily from my distant perch. I was filled with envy. I knew that in a tourist town it would be easy to find a way to join a snorkeling expedition, but my inner alarm sounded, and it scared me off by blaring, “You can’t do that. You don’t have a bathing suit. You’re too fat to find a bathing suit to buy, never mind wear it in public. You’re afraid of the water. You’re a lousy swimmer.”

So some of the questions I try to ask myself now when contemplating something new include:

1. Is this opportunity likely to arise again?

2. What’s the worst thing that could happen if I do it?

3. What’s the worst thing that could happen if I don’t do it?

4. Does the cost or risk outweigh the potential benefit?

BITTERSWEET

And that brings me to my final (for now, anyway) point. As I wrote in Bandwagon, saying goodbye to the excess pounds and problems can be bittersweet. We lose some beloved companions (such as our edible comforts) and discover new things about ourselves, not all of them lovable.

For example, I discovered that I am a far more selfish person than I ever would have admitted when I was obese. When I was supporting my food addiction, I believed I was the only one affected by it, but I was wrong. It saddens me now that I gave my relationship with food more time and energy than my relationships with my friends and family. I can’t go back and change that, much as I might like to. All I can do is give those people (including me) the love and attention they deserve as I go forward.

Hmmm..I gave this a lot of thought.

All my hearts desires have been met. Wow, I couldn't think of one thing I wanted or need from life anymore. Just to live it in peace and happiness. I guess when your young life seems so much more desperate and dramatic.

Now I'm simply content. I've become comfortable in my own skin. I like who I've become, I adore husband & family. I love where I live. I love my job, and I travel. That's a good life to me. I quietly dismissed all the negative things I use to surround my self with, and that wasn't as difficult as I thought. Easy really.

I guess my heart desires the things I now have around me, SIMPLY LIVING a clean, healthy good life.

My heart's desire would be for me to be a stay at home mom/wife. I would love to take my kids to school, pick them up every day, and volunteer at their school. My husband works 70 hours a week and I would love to be able to make home cooked meals and have a clean house. If he was to get off work early I would be around for him. I want to slow down to not be in a hurry all the time! It would have to include the money to do that - because I wouldn't be able to do it without sufficient $ coming in.

I work a stressful job (I love it & they are good to me) but I feel like I'm running and so busy all the time. Everything seems so stressful all the time basically with everything - always in a rush, always hurrying - what I would give for a slower more simpler life!

My heart's desire is to travel. My mobility has been an issue for years and I missed out on being able to take trips that weren't out of reach due to money but due to not being able to walk and keep up with those more able bodied than me. I needed to lose 70 lbs. minimum and have joint replacement surgery. I lost enough weight to have the surgery in October and as my ticker states, I've dropped an additional 45 lbs. I still have residual issues that make travel still a difficult thing but I am trying to be patient as my doctor is the first one to say that I didn't do this damage to myself overnight and it won't get better right away. I fear it will never get better and I try to keep those thoughts buried. But my sister wants me to pick a time period when we would spend time in London and the surrounding areas. I want to see in person, the places I've only seen in pictures. That is my hearts desire.

PS: After.London, onto Paris....

I just want to say thank you to the members who've posted such thoughtful responses to this article. I love your attitudes and after reading your responses, I understand and share some of your hearts' desires.

My heart's desire is to travel. My mobility has been an issue for years and I missed out on being able to take trips that weren't out of reach due to money but due to not being able to walk and keep up with those more able bodied than me. I needed to lose 70 lbs. minimum and have joint replacement surgery. I lost enough weight to have the surgery in October and as my ticker states, I've dropped an additional 45 lbs. I still have residual issues that make travel still a difficult thing but I am trying to be patient as my doctor is the first one to say that I didn't do this damage to myself overnight and it won't get better right away. I fear it will never get better and I try to keep those thoughts buried. But my sister wants me to pick a time period when we would spend time in London and the surrounding areas. I want to see in person, the places I've only seen in pictures. That is my hearts desire.

PS: After.London, onto Paris....

I hope your mobility increases as you lose weight. I know several people who've had hip and/or knee replacement surgery after losing a chunk of weight as you have, and they're all doing very well now.

Save your pennies for your UK/France trip. Europe is very expensive, but so wonderful to visit!

My heart's desire would be for me to be a stay at home mom/wife. I would love to take my kids to school, pick them up every day, and volunteer at their school. My husband works 70 hours a week and I would love to be able to make home cooked meals and have a clean house. If he was to get off work early I would be around for him. I want to slow down to not be in a hurry all the time! It would have to include the money to do that - because I wouldn't be able to do it without sufficient $ coming in.

I work a stressful job (I love it & they are good to me) but I feel like I'm running and so busy all the time. Everything seems so stressful all the time basically with everything - always in a rush, always hurrying - what I would give for a slower more simpler life!

Being Superwoman isn't all it's knocked up to be, is it? About 10 years ago, I abandoned an interesting but stressful and time-consuming career. Having more free time felt strange for a while, but now it's precious to me.

I'm not really trying to be superwoman I just have lots of bills and just trying to make ends meet - I make good money and I'm happy for that! I have a child with a heart condition and medical bills are expensive - always hoping for the powerball or lottery

What is your heart's desire - the thing you want so much that it takes up most of the room in your heart? A partner, child or friend? A job, home or vacation? Or is it weight loss - the thing that brought you to BariatricPal in the first place?

YOUR HEART’S DESIRE

What is your heart’s desire? Be honest now, with yourself if not with me. If your heart’s greatest desire today isn’t weight loss, that’s OK. There are lots of things in our lives that are just as important, or even more important, than weight loss. After a lifetime of dieting and weight problems, my mother’s dying wish had nothing to do with her weight. Her greatest wish was that her grown children (both in our 50’s) would stop fighting with each other. Maybe your heart’s desire is that your partner will love you more (or better). That’s OK too, as long as you understand that weight loss probably isn’t going to achieve that. Maybe your heart’s desire is to become a neurosurgeon, and you somehow believe that weight loss will make your studies easier or faster, or it will ensure your acceptance to medical school (but think twice about that last one).

What if you don’t know your heart’s desire, but you hope that weight loss will help you find it? That’s entirely possible, but it may not be revealed to you in a sudden, blinding flash. You may have to go groping around in the dark for a while before you find it.

JUST WANNA BE THIN?

Is your heart’s desire simply to be thin? Are you sure of that?

Before I ask you a question, I first try to answer it myself, and it’s not easy for me to answer this particular question. For much of my life, it’s been fairly easy to talk about what I don’t want. I don’t want to be fat, I don’t want to listen to another doctor lecture me about my high cholesterol, I don’t want freak-show breasts, and so on and so forth.

When I decided to have WLS, I focused on the desire that burned most brightly in my dark life: weight loss. Intellectually I knew that things in my life other than my weight would change as a result of the surgery. My surgeon and nutritionist made it clear that I must change my eating and exercise behavior. I didn’t especially want to change those things – who doesn’t want to effortlessly lose 5 pounds a week while sitting on their butt eating potato chips and Cookies? – but I nodded obediently and gave myself a stern self-improvement lecture for perhaps the 200th time in my life. I thought that weight loss was the most precious prize I could ever win. Everything else paled in comparison to it. Weight loss has indeed been a precious prize, but it has turned out to be the ruby instead of the diamond in my crown.

We tend to believe that weight loss will cure all our problems. While it will indeed solve some problems (especially health-related), it also introduces us to some brand-new ones. Like my friend Joni, who after getting her heart’s desire (a baby), was astounded to realize that caring for that baby was going to be her 24-hour-a-day job at least until he turned 18, we discover that maintaining weight loss is a lifetime job. It may not require all 1440 minutes of our attention every day, but it’s still there and it’s still work. On the whole, I’m OK with that. I’ve come to realize what a precious gift my body is after decades of despising it, so I’m willing to give it the attention and nutrition, the relaxation and pleasure, the exercise and rest that it needs to in order to carry me onward.

I discovered something else after achieving my heart’s desire. As soon as it was in my eager hands, I started looking around for another heart’s desire. Identifying that and figuring out how to get it has taken me longer than I expected, and I’ve changed my mind a few times along the way. I usually make decisions quickly, preferring to make a bad decision over no decision. What do I want now? Do I really need something else, or am I a compulsive seeker of experience and sensation? Am I still trying to fill the bottomless hole that I used to stuff with food? Or do I already possess my heart’s desire – such as a personal relationship with God – and just don’t recognize it?

Sometimes I wonder if naming my heart’s desire is so hard because I wrongly persist in thinking of it as a thing – something as tangible and solid as a book or a chair or a car. Perhaps I should look instead for a place or even a state of being.

OK, OK, don’t go to sleep quite yet. I’ll stop my philosophical meandering and tell you my secret heart’s desire.

I want to live.

After decades of self-punishment, frequent despair, and several attempts at total self-destruction, I want to live. And I want to live well, in a way that celebrates life. No more hanging back, no more wasting time. No more time spent counting the minutes until mealtime, or how many cookies are left in the Keebler package. I’ve got to stop fearfully dismissing new things because “I’ve never done that before,” or because “I don’t know how to do that.”

SO HOW DO YOU RECOGNIZE IT?

How do you recognize your heart’s desire? How do you envision and name it? Are you living your life like a shopper who doesn’t know what she/he is looking for, who says, “I’ll know it when I see it.” I know that feeling, but I wonder if a gut “that’s it” reaction always sends us in the right direction or helps us make the best decisions. No big deal when choosing a color of nail polish, but is it safe when choosing a career, a partner, or a medical treatment? While my analytical skills are overdeveloped, I also know that my built-in danger detector tends to sound the alarm when I’m facing something unfamiliar or unknown. With the alarm blaring in my ears, I back away or even beat a retreat from whatever adventure or challenge I’ve glimpsed.

About 10 years ago I spent a long weekend in Honolulu when on my home from an overseas business trip. While there, I stood at the edge of a cliff and watched other visitors snorkeling in incredibly clear Water, only inches from coral, shells, and undersea life so vivid I could see it easily from my distant perch. I was filled with envy. I knew that in a tourist town it would be easy to find a way to join a snorkeling expedition, but my inner alarm sounded, and it scared me off by blaring, “You can’t do that. You don’t have a bathing suit. You’re too fat to find a bathing suit to buy, never mind wear it in public. You’re afraid of the water. You’re a lousy swimmer.”

So some of the questions I try to ask myself now when contemplating something new include:

1. Is this opportunity likely to arise again?

2. What’s the worst thing that could happen if I do it?

3. What’s the worst thing that could happen if I don’t do it?

4. Does the cost or risk outweigh the potential benefit?

BITTERSWEET

And that brings me to my final (for now, anyway) point. As I wrote in Bandwagon, saying goodbye to the excess pounds and problems can be bittersweet. We lose some beloved companions (such as our edible comforts) and discover new things about ourselves, not all of them lovable.

For example, I discovered that I am a far more selfish person than I ever would have admitted when I was obese. When I was supporting my food addiction, I believed I was the only one affected by it, but I was wrong. It saddens me now that I gave my relationship with food more time and energy than my relationships with my friends and family. I can’t go back and change that, much as I might like to. All I can do is give those people (including me) the love and attention they deserve as I go forward.

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jean, i had to read this a couple times as i couldnt finish reading it as i was crying with what you wrote....you knowing who i am personally and knowing my fears/doubts first hand, understand why your words affected me that way.

i know now that being (healthy) is way more important than being thin..just because one is thin does not mean they are healthy.....i want to get to a number/weight wise that is good for me and my body and one that is attainable..i will be ME and be only the best i can be...and in 20 months since WLS, i figured out that is good enough.....

my hearts desire was to be able to push my granddaughter around the block in her stroller....before surgery i could not.....i can now..

oh, and to be able to wipe my butt again....mission accomplished

Great article jean! Really got me thinking about what I spend the majority of my time thinking about. And sadly right now it is still food! I want health and family to push through to the top! But I have no idea to make the food thoughts go away. Just keep trying Day by day is all I can think.

I'm not really trying to be superwoman I just have lots of bills and just trying to make ends meet - I make good money and I'm happy for that! I have a child with a heart condition and medical bills are expensive - always hoping for the powerball or lottery

I'll keep my fingers crossed for you on that lottery prize!

Great article jean! Really got me thinking about what I spend the majority of my time thinking about. And sadly right now it is still food! I want health and family to push through to the top! But I have no idea to make the food thoughts go away. Just keep trying Day by day is all I can think.

Dealing with intrusive food thoughts is a booger, isn't it? I spent so many years obsessing about food, I now think those thoughts built a superhighway between my brain and my mouth. Then I had WLS and went on obsessing about food in my eagerness to improve and control my food intake. For a few years post-op, my band did a wonderful job, making food far less interesting, and that's one of the things I sorely miss about it. So now I, like you, try to take it one day at a time.

Like most married (or single) women (or men) with children, my husband and I spent the first 25 years of our marriage focused on our four children...... Their health, their education, their schedules. We, like most, put ourselves on the back burner. In August of 2013, we celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary and we celebrated my WLS. We have decided to spend the next 25 years focused on ourselves. What does that include???? TRAVEL, TRAVEL, and more TRAVEL. New clothes to go on all of those trips. Spontaneous nights out to the theatre, to dinner, to local festivals. We want to put in a swimming pool. We have plans----- concrete, doable, fun, and relaxing plans. PS.... My youngest son, who is 14, says he's getting "ripped off" from all of the time we put the kids FIRST!!!!! If we want to go out and he asks, "What's for dinner?" .... My husband and I both laugh and say---- "make a sandwich, kid!" Our new mantra that we repeat often..... "THE FIRST 25 WERE ALL ABOUT Y'ALL..... THE NEXT 25 ARE ALL ABOUT US!"

Hi Jean,

This is a topic I think of often and question I pose to myself at least once a day. Like most women I'm doing it all, and I don't mind it most days though my body some days would beg to differ on the matter. If I could be Wonder Woman or even the Bionic Woman with an oil can that would be great! I love doing things, with and for people. Sometimes it can be overwhelming but most of the time I just love being able to help and participate.

There was a time in my life, where I was not very happy. I had what every woman might think they wanted, I had a home, family, children, I didn't have to work if I chose not to...but I was not happy. Though many of the things in my life were by my own choices and actions I wasn't able to understand that and until I was able to understand it I wasn't I able to make the changes that I needed to make.

I spent so many years doing what "others" thought was right or proper. What "everyone" did to fit in or be accepted and well....WHY? When I was finally honest with myself and sat down and asked myself what it was I wanted, and if I wanted it, truly wanted it why was I letting anything get in my way of having it?

I don't have to be what "others" think I need to be, I just need to be me. Authentically me. Now it's true I may not be the easiest person to take all the time it's an acquired taste I think, but I am me. Take it or leave it and I won't hold it against you.

In 2011 my hubby took me to Hawaii for my 40th birthday, and you know what I didn't care I went snorkeling...and those that didn't like it or had comments to make and were brave enough to say them out loud, (none where) I would have just told them Hawaii is known for Whale sightings get over it. I was happy, even if I was busting out of that bathing suit and huffing and puffing my way up the beach!

I sat at the pool side I went swimming at the resort and soaked in the hot tub. When the alarms went off on the Island I ran around and Tsumami shopped in my bathing suit too! I always like to be prepared food Water and cash are important in an emergency!!

I love my body. Big, small, round, fat, thin it is the vehicle that gets me where I want to go. I had WLS because it was starting to fail me and I am not read to go. I want to live!!! I want travel and enjoy life as long as I can!

So it was time to to take action and give the ole gal a tune up, as I plan on taking it everywhere I can peddle to the metal!!!

Well written and wonderful!

In studies I have been involved in it was stated that at a certain stage in life, leaving things behind for others moves to the forefront.

My heart's desire now is to give what I have gained to those I will leave behind.

Along with that desire is the passion to know that what I am leaving will be valuable to them and make a positive difference in their lives.

I want to live a good life...and contribute to a good life for those who carry on.

Right now...my goal is to find peace....peace with myself and the decisions I make. I had WLS to lose weight, to feel better and so far it is working. The 82 lbs off my 5'4" frame feels amazing and I look in the mirror in awe most days...as a dieter since the age of 16 who knew I could begin to achieve the elusive idea of losing weight AND keeping it off AND not being miserable, dieting or denied.

But I'm now at a point where I beat myself up over every decision I basically make. The biggest one of course is my WLS....happiest decision I ever made and then the fear creeps in...how long will it last? what's happening inside of me? was this, IN FACT, the best long-term decision? Then there is the issue of food choices. I did not get to be 280 lbs by not knowing I have "issues" with food...and now at 5 1/2 months post surgery some of the old habits and urges and feelings about food are creeping back....should I get a fill (haven't had one yet)....will that help--I dont believe so...and I dont want to ruin what is working right now.

I find myself feeling down on myself, feeling sad at times, and mostly angry at myself...am I sabotaging myself ONCE again???? If I eat too much I panic did I stretch my pouch, did I do this or that....

I am an educated woman. I did my research and I went into WLS fully understanding the choices I made...but sometimes the worrisome thoughts take over the reasoning part of my brain....

So as I stop my ranting about my bit of craziness ....i hope for true inner peace and WAY less worrying in my life.

Thank you Jean, for helping me take a good long look at what I truly want and how I am going to get myself there....because I WILL!!!