My name is Erin and I am a 29 yr old divorced mother of five. I was not an overweight child as a matter of fact it was hard to gain. I was a phisically fit and active teenager who did everything from gymnastics to lifeguarding, rollerblading and much more. I met my ex husband when we were fifteen. A year later surprise! We have a little girl on the way. Not gaining much with her, I naturally fell back into my active life. By age eighteen we were married and after being on bc and taking antibiotics for a lung infection, baby number two is on her way. That's when the fun began. I wanted something I only had to remember once in a while so doc recommends depo. It was hell in a needle! I gained fifty lbs, became another person entirely, and fell into a deep and lasting depression. After taking just one dose, I quit. Since then the weight became next to impossible to lose and more painful. When I has a car accident about nine months ago, I took a trip to the ER and was told I had fatty liver and pre diabetes. That with the fatty liver it would be next to impossible to lose the weight on my own. I spent a few months looking at before and after pics of gastric bypass and crying because I felt trapped in all this weight. I spent all of my twenties at least fifty lbs overweight. I could never understand how anyone could find me attractive at my weight and I quit looking at my own reflection because all I saw were more flaws every time I looked. It has left deep scars that I'm sure won't fade as fast as the weight. We are programmed as children to look down on overweight people. People judge without knowing the story behind the weight. Name calling like fatty or fatass. Taunting someone with eat another cheeseburger fatty (I got that at a gas station when I was nine months pregnant and 150 lbs!) it all seems okay by society. When someone is overweight they feel it everyday, in their body in their heart and in the eyes of others. All the thin people say "just stop eating" and you think, if I eat any less, I'll die. When someone is overweight, people think its a free for all on advice. My entire family is thin and it's all I had dreamed of for the last ten years. Soon I'll have it. But I wonder if I'll find real happiness in it? I feel better when I wake up, but I also know that nobdy took the time to know the fat me. And now it's like I'm walking around with a neon sign on my head. I will feel great when I can wear a swimsuit without looking like a whale. But it's not about vanity. Because we will all get old and beauty will be a thing of the past. Its about being comfortable in your skin. Be it tight, or loose. I would be happier knowing the people around me were the same ones who cared about me when I was a big girl. I'm am down 60 lbs and proud to say, I'm still the same person at heart. I guess once you go plus size, your outlook on life never changes. When the outside looked a mess, I was busy working on the beauty of the part that will never fade with time, the inside. When you have everything handed to you because of your looks, sometimes you don't work on your heart. So remember all my current and former plus size family, no matter what happens with our bodies, never to lose the heart you found, the diamond in the rough. Thanks for reading.

I was reading your story in the car & hubby was saying pay mind to the road you must drive back home so I couldn't reply lolz...

That was a really nice story. It's true all you mention. I had a friend that gain 100lbs on depo. Some birthcontrol can really do a number on your body.

Thank you Mami! I don't want you to have an accident over something I posted. It feels good to share that. There is a lot I keep to myself and it feels good to open up. And even better that anyone cares enough to read. It's hard to talk about my weight because skinny people just think its all excuses. So I was always the one to make the jokes before others did and laugh about my weight with them. What they didn't know, was at night I would cry myself to sleep. I got good enough to smile while pushing back the tears. Even my bf doesn't know that I would be crying right next to him. The bc started this whole thing and I strongly recommend that people look into all the possibilities before putting anything into their bodies. Since then I swear I would refuse a blood transfusion if one of the listed side effects were weight gain!....lol I will post before and update pics as soon as I find the courage. Again, thanks Mami for making me feel less alone. *hugs*

You are not alone by far I've been a quick witted fat girl most of my life I was 220 in 8th grade. Funniest fat chick around a pretty face to boot. I ballooned up to 338 and had enough. Luckily I got fat enough that my insurance covered it with no problems. I started my liquid diet 2weeks early and lost 30 pounds on my own. I had my surgery 6/11 and gained 21 of it back. Thanks to this forum I expected that. I know how scary and exciting this road is and even tho our loved ones try to understand they never will. This is the best wls forum around. Good luck to ya chica!

Thank you! It is one crazy trip and the more people I have to take it with like you guys the better! It's funny how it feels like just yesterday I was walking out of the seminar in tears thinking it was never gonna happen. I have days when I wish I didn't do it. Usually when I'm staring down a pizza, but I slip on those pants I never fit and it's gone. It's great to have you guys to turn to.

This was a great my story. I appreciate your outlook. For so many people to say that people have this surgery for vanity you really are a poster child for what this surgery is about. Its not about vanity. Sure part of it is, it would have to be, but the majority is about life. It sounds like you have had an issue with self esteeme, though i think you would be hard pressed to find any of us on this forum that didn't at one point or another. I, like you was not always 300+ lbs. I dont know what changed but it is interesting to think that everyone does comment on eatting when your big and want to lose weight. Its not funny and its not even appropriate so i appologize if i offend anyone but i dont walk around telling a COPD patient that they shouldnt have started smoking in the first place. Or tell someone with liver disease thats an alcoholic just stop drinking. There are medical conditions and psychological conditions associated with being overweight and instead of looking at it like that they just go, Hey, stop eatting. Makes me want to go Np buddy, hey stop breathing.....mean i know..

Back to your story though, its good to read peoples feelings. I know i'm a guy and i am supposed to keep the majority of this ooshy gooshy stuff bottled up but the bottom line is thats not who i am. I am still pre-op and i only hope that i can do as well as it sounds like you have done. This world would be a lot better place if more people would work on the "heart" rather than everything else. Thanks for sharing your story and i look forward to more of your posts. Have a great evening.

I just want you to know, I am not bawling like a wet newborn! My self esteem issues began long before the weight. I was a really unpretty young girl and suffered at the hands of a lot of cruel school children because of it. I have my days. I don't always choose the best things and I'm a criminal when it comes to my protein intake. Or lack there of. I think it's great that a man shows his emotion and I thank you for all those kind words. For they are seldom in my everyday life and much needed. *hugs* I never understood why people felt they had the right to offer unsolicited advice. I remember eating because I was sad. As a teen, I did the opposit. I could remember just before the surgery, eating like I was going into hibernation. It was a slow and insidious addiction. Not like heroin or meth. I never drank or did drugs. I smoked for a year and said one day " okay, I'm done" no withdrawals or moodiness. So why on earth food? Because we are told to clear our plates as children. Because food in life equals health. So we give ourselves permission. I remember when it hit me that it was a real problem. When I would go hungry all day because I wanted to be alone when I ate. I would be sad, alone and have no one to turn to, and I always found comfort in the fridge. It was always there for me. Good grief I'm crying now. It's something I have NEVER talked about with anyone before and I'm pouring it out. I remember how happy I would feel walking to the couch with a plate and glass of sweet tea. My though being im already fat nobody wants me so whatever. Then feeling like a pig after eating. Funny how easy it was to push that guilt away with another plate. I remained active but I noticed it taking a toll. My once Awsome I can eat anything metabolism left with the depo. And when you get depressed, who wants to work out. Followed by feeling self conscious about people being able to see the fat girl working out. As I regain my body, it seems like a rental car gotten back from a teenager. I don't remember the damage being there before..lol. I feel good being able to run up the stairs and not give in to lungs that are screaming halfway up " bitch! You do know your fat??!!". I think I have a long road ahead of me, but as long as I have someone who keeps my best interest in mind and lovingly screams at me for doing this when I'm praying to the tidybowl gods. And I can talk to wonderful people like you who understand what it's like to say " screw it as I'm eating a piece of pizza while I walk to the bathroom because I know it's on it's way back up" life is full of little slide backs and getting right back up. No judgment here and it's freeing. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! I did post my story, and I didn't really expect anyone to comment. And you don't know what it means to have such heartfelt loving replies. Good tears!

Thank you Mami! I don't want you to have an accident over something I posted. It feels good to share that. There is a lot I keep to myself and it feels good to open up. And even better that anyone cares enough to read. It's hard to talk about my weight because skinny people just think its all excuses. So I was always the one to make the jokes before others did and laugh about my weight with them. What they didn't know' date=' was at night I would cry myself to sleep. I got good enough to smile while pushing back the tears. Even my bf doesn't know that I would be crying right next to him. The bc started this whole thing and I strongly recommend that people look into all the possibilities before putting anything into their bodies. Since then I swear I would refuse a blood transfusion if one of the listed side effects were weight gain!....lol I will post before and update pics as soon as I find the courage. Again, thanks Mami for making me feel less alone. *hugs*[/quote']

Awww your welcome. I was the passenger in the car. I don't drive & text.

Thank you! It is one crazy trip and the more people I have to take it with like you guys the better! It's funny how it feels like just yesterday I was walking out of the seminar in tears thinking it was never gonna happen. I have days when I wish I didn't do it. Usually when I'm staring down a pizza' date=' but I slip on those pants I never fit and it's gone. It's great to have you guys to turn to.[/quote']

You came to the right group. We all have in some form almost the same situation going on.

This was a great my story. I appreciate your outlook. For so many people to say that people have this surgery for vanity you really are a poster child for what this surgery is about. Its not about vanity. Sure part of it is' date=' it would have to be, but the majority is about life. It sounds like you have had an issue with self esteeme, though i think you would be hard pressed to find any of us on this forum that didn't at one point or another. I, like you was not always 300+ lbs. I dont know what changed but it is interesting to think that everyone does comment on eatting when your big and want to lose weight. Its not funny and its not even appropriate so i appologize if i offend anyone but i dont walk around telling a COPD patient that they shouldnt have started smoking in the first place. Or tell someone with liver disease thats an alcoholic just stop drinking. There are medical conditions and psychological conditions associated with being overweight and instead of looking at it like that they just go, Hey, stop eatting. Makes me want to go Np buddy, hey stop breathing.....mean i know..

Back to your story though, its good to read peoples feelings. I know i'm a guy and i am supposed to keep the majority of this ooshy gooshy stuff bottled up but the bottom line is thats not who i am. I am still pre-op and i only hope that i can do as well as it sounds like you have done. This world would be a lot better place if more people would work on the "heart" rather than everything else. Thanks for sharing your story and i look forward to more of your posts. Have a great evening.[/quote']

Thanks for your input. Nothing wrong with a guy opinion. My hubby is one of those toy should had just stopped eating or cut down. You didn't need surgery.

I just want you to know' date=' I am not bawling like a wet newborn! My self esteem issues began long before the weight. I was a really unpretty young girl and suffered at the hands of a lot of cruel school children because of it. I have my days. I don't always choose the best things and I'm a criminal when it comes to my Protein intake. Or lack there of. I think it's great that a man shows his emotion and I thank you for all those kind words. For they are seldom in my everyday life and much needed. *hugs* I never understood why people felt they had the right to offer unsolicited advice. I remember eating because I was sad. As a teen, I did the opposit. I could remember just before the surgery, eating like I was going into hibernation. It was a slow and insidious addiction. Not like heroin or meth. I never drank or did drugs. I smoked for a year and said one day " okay, I'm done" no withdrawals or moodiness. So why on earth food? Because we are told to clear our plates as children. Because food in life equals health. So we give ourselves permission. I remember when it hit me that it was a real problem. When I would go hungry all day because I wanted to be alone when I ate. I would be sad, alone and have no one to turn to, and I always found comfort in the fridge. It was always there for me. Good grief I'm crying now. It's something I have NEVER talked about with anyone before and I'm pouring it out. I remember how happy I would feel walking to the couch with a plate and glass of sweet tea. My though being im already fat nobody wants me so whatever. Then feeling like a pig after eating. Funny how easy it was to push that guilt away with another plate. I remained active but I noticed it taking a toll. My once Awsome I can eat anything metabolism left with the depo. And when you get depressed, who wants to work out. Followed by feeling self conscious about people being able to see the fat girl working out. As I regain my body, it seems like a rental car gotten back from a teenager. I don't remember the damage being there before..lol. I feel good being able to run up the stairs and not give in to lungs that are screaming halfway up " bitch! You do know your fat??!!". I think I have a long road ahead of me, but as long as I have someone who keeps my best interest in mind and lovingly screams at me for doing this when I'm praying to the tidybowl gods. And I can talk to wonderful people like you who understand what it's like to say " screw it as I'm eating a piece of pizza while I walk to the bathroom because I know it's on it's way back up" life is full of little slide backs and getting right back up. No judgment here and it's freeing. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! I did post my story, and I didn't really expect anyone to comment. And you don't know what it means to have such heartfelt loving replies. Good tears![/quote']

I love reading your post. Reminds me of my self when you mention food. I was the one with a big movie theatre butter microwave popcorn with a big glass of coca cola or pepsi with ice cubes ready to watch tv or a movie. I was always in the fridge. My best friend was food. I would even eat in my car so no one would see me. It was so easy for me to get food. I always have money & I would take my self out to eat or Go to a drive threw. This just wasn't the life I wanted to live anymore. I started looking at my kids thinking omg! I hardly take them out they ate growing & need to have fun. I made a life change. Do I miss eating in the car? Nope I love my kids so much. I Want to live to make there childhood the best ever not my mama is so fat we don't even go to the park. I wanna hear last summer we went to Florida & the year before that we went to six flag & the year before that we went to long island. You know fun stuff. That's why I cook 7 days 3 meals a day to have $ to go on vacation.