While clearing out space on my computer, I came across a partial draft of

an e-mail I sent to my mother and mother-in-law explaining my decision to

research and have WLS. I know many of you out there can relate.

It was written in April of 06. My surgery took place in July 06 and to date I have lost 70 lbs. :confused:

I hope I never return to the place I was in when I wrote this letter...

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I am writing to help explain my decision to investigate and most likely have weight loss surgery and hopefully help you to understand why.

I know you do not think it is a good idea and you are not in favor of me doing something so drastic to lose weight. To ask me 2 or more years ago if I would consider something like this and I would have, without reservation, said no. But in those two years a lot has changed for me. And unless you have walked in my shoes, it is probably difficult to understand.

<O:p</O:pFor as long as I can remember, my weight has been a concern/issue for me. Even before I was "fat", I was aware of my weight in relationship to my friends, family, strangers, etc. While I was never the fattest girl in the room, I was never the thinnest either. And that didn't bother me - I never strived to be a Victoria Secret Model, nor do I wish to become one at this stage in my life. In high school I was able to keep my weight in check playing 3 sports a year. While I was encouraged to drop a few pounds by my coaches, my weight never affected my ability to play, enjoy or excel at sports. I had a large social group of friends. I was outgoing and loved to participate in outdoor activities like hiking, roller blading, skiing, swimming, etc. While my weight was something that entered my mind from time to time, my self-image was in check and being a few pounds overweight didn't change that.<O:p

<O:p

By the time college came around, I became a little more self conscious about my weight. I can remember driving myself to my first soccer practice for wondering if I would be the heaviest person on the team. To my relief I wasn't, but no longer playing basketball, I packed on the pounds during the off-season between soccer and softball. Without the pressure of a coach forcing me to exercise, the pounds crept up. I was able to take it off the summer going into my sophomore year though. I had heard about the new soccer coach, and how much he loved to make us run, so I starved myself and ran every day until I lost the weight. After getting injured in a soccer game, and being unable to return and play at the same level before my injury, I quit soccer my junior year and now only played softball - getting even less exercise than before. The weight came back once again, plus 20 or so more.

<O:p</O:pBy the end of college, my weight had become a bigger concern for me. I began a series of diets and exercise programs, and never once reached my goal weight. I would "fall off the wagon" so to speak and be right back where I started from, plus a few more. This pattern has been going on for over 10 years now. I diet for a few weeks and then something comes up where the temptation is too great and before I know it I am so far gone that I end up feeling hopeless. Time goes by and I summon the courage to start yet another diet... lose a few pounds... then gain it all back plus some

Everyone says, “but you lost so much weight for your wedding. You can do it again.” Before we got married, yes, I did lose 30 pounds on Weight Watchers. I began in May of 2000 and by November 2000 I had lost 30 or so pounds. Then Thanksgiving came... I "took a break" - you know, to reward myself for doing so well... and I never started up again before the wedding. I guess I kept rationalizing that in November of 2000 I still had 11 months to "get back on track". I mean after all it would be the most important day in my life to date. I couldn't fail, right? I knew so many girls who lost 50, 60, 70 lbs for their wedding. I would do it too.... But I didn't. Whether you realize it or not, when I took my "break" Thanksgiving 2000... I never got back on track and had actually regained 20 of the 30 lbs I lost.

<O:p

What none of you know is that when I walked down the aisle, the happiest day of my life was bitter sweet. I never told anybody, but a significant part of me felt like a huge failure. I didn't achieve a very important goal for myself, even with my own wedding as my motivation.

<O:p

Since then, my weight has yo-yoed several times. I have joined gyms, rejoined weight watchers a dozen times, taken diet pills, tried other diet programs, and fail each and every time. I lose a few pounds and then gain it pack plus 10 more or so. Each failed attempt leaves me feeling, frustrated, depressed, and worthless.

<O:p

For the past 2 years, things have steadily gotten worse. I have episodes of depression where I just want to stay in bed. I don't want to attend social functions because I feel like anyone who sees me is thinking "Oh my God, look how fat she has gotten." I don't participate in the things I used to enjoy. I haven't been skiing in 3 years because I am afraid I will break my skis. I won't go to the beach because I don't want to put on a bathing suit. Hiking is out of the question considering I get winded walking up a single flight of stairs. I am so tired of battling with my weight. I am 31 years old and I am cocooning into myself. I have an amazing husband and a beautiful daughter who deserve more than I am able to give them right now.

<O:p

Hubby works 2 jobs and goes to school. When he gets home he should at least be able to come home to a clean house and dinner on the table, but the truth is, I am usually too tired to do that. I am ready for a nap by the time I get home from work and if the baby will go down for one, I am embarrassed to admit, I will too. If she is not ready for a nap, I have limited energy left to devote to her. It is difficult for me to get on the floor and play with her. She deserves better than that. I don't want to be a lazy mom. I know deep down that is not who I am and I hate myself for letting myself become this way

There is no question that I have to lose weight. But I truly do not have it in me. I am almost 100 lbs overweight and I can't believe I let myself get this way. I am tired of feeling like a failure. My life feels like it is spinning out of control. Honestly, if it weren't for hubby and baby and their unconditional love for me, I truly think I would just give up. I feel disgusting and worthless. I cry at least once each and every day. Every so often hubby catches me and I feel awful for making him see me like that. I can see it hurts him and I hate that. I try to keep it inside as best I can, as long as I can, but with each pound it becomes more difficult.

I keep on a happy face at work, but even there I am becoming more introverted. I no longer leave my room to eat lunch. I don't want anyone to see me eating. While it may sound ridiculous, I constantly wonder what people must be thinking of me when they see the "fat girl" eating something. Even if it is something healthy.

<O:p

I am not looking to do this for an easy way out. It is, in my opinion, my only way out. My last chance for a life worth living the way I want to live it.

Thanks, Pat & Mommy0105. I needed some reinforcements. I need to keep telling myself "I am not weak, I am not weak..." Sometimes we just need to hear our story from another perspective. I appreciate your taking time to share with me. This surgery is a first for me, except for a tonsillectomy when I was 4 years old (many years ago), so I'm really nervous about that too. It helps to know that you felt the same way I do. In a way, I can't wait until it's over with so I can stop thinking about it and follow your advice, Pat, to just get over it and move forward.

Debbie

2 Sets of Before and During... Why does it limit you to 5 pics? I have my backside and right side to show too!!! LOL

Here are some of the others.. Still plugging along.

That was a great letter. Congrats on having the courage to stand up for yourself and to get bandecd. Good luck.

Thanks Julie - Great job yourself. Almost 80 lbs. super!

Your pics look great btw!

I too wrote an email when I decided to get the surgery. I didnt do it to explain my reasons why. My reasons are my reasons. My email to my family made it perfectly clear that I wasnt looking for approval or permission. I was only looking to inform them of the type of surgery and how it differed from the RNY that one brother and another SIL had, and the very botched stomach stapling that my mom had had years earlier.

I remember that I was disappointed that I had heard from my mom and 2 of my brothers but the other one hadnt responded to my email or called. He was the one whose opinion did matter to me because he is the "medical" person in the family. My DH said , well maybe he doesnt approve. You told him you werent looking for approval and he is staying out of it. Well when I did hear from him ...not only did he approve but had done his own research on it. He thought it to be the only way to go. He asked me all kinds of questions. Now I am waiting for an email from him about the new vericose vein procedures. I really dont want to go through stripping and having lots of staples and such. Yikes!

Mommy0105,

Your pics look great!

Debbie

Debbie, I know what you're going through. I've thought the same thing. But I've been on so many diets and so much yo-yoing, I think I've totally screwed up my metabolic system and I don't know how to fix that. I'm hoping the band helps me reset that.

The other thing is that, when you're very overweight, exercise isn't much of an option. Every time I exercise, my knees go out. And gentle exercise just isn't cutting it. With the band, I'm hoping I'll lose enough weight using just gentle exercise, that I actually can start exercising for real without all the undue stress on my knees.

There's always a trade-off. Whether you're doing it the Oprah way or the Carly Wilson way. There is no fast, easy and coin-free method of weightloss. The band is a tool to get you to the place where diet and exercise can do their job.

At least that's how I'm looking at it. I have my first doctor's appt. this Friday. Last night, to "help" me in my diet, my husband bought me a mint chocolate chip milkshake with whipped cream. And I'm sure he's going to keep doing that post-band. :eyeroll:

Sophrosyne,

I get the "eye roll". I've been married 36 years.

I have a bad back and the weight definitely works against it. I'm hoping that losing 100 lbs. will relieve some of the discomfort when I stand or walk. I don't know if I could call myself a legitimate yo-yo dieter since I can't seem to get very far with dieting before I burn out. The most I ever lost was 60 lbs. Usually, I manage to lose 25 lbs and then lose steam. Unfortunately, 25 lost means 30 gained. All I can say is I hope my road to heaven is lined with restaurants serving every kind of food imaginable and none of it will have a calorie that counts against me.

Debbie

Wow, what a powerful thread.

I am thankful I had the support of both my family and husband. All I can say is this is the best thing I have ever done for myself, and I cant wait to get close to my goal like mommy0105! Thanks for the inspiration!

"I cant wait to get close to my goal like mommy0105! Thanks for the inspiration!" - wow thanks tropicaljill! I never thought someone would view me as an inspiration. What a nice thing to say.

The truth is, in the past, comments like that usually acted like poison for me. I'd lose some weight, people would notice, compliment, yada yada yada, and subconsciously I guess I felt the need to reward myself (always with food!) and before you knew it, it was all back and then some!

This time seems so different though. Encouraging words motivate me to get to the gym when I'm spent. They motivate me to choose grapes as a snack instead of Cookies.

I tell you, I fully expected the band to limit the quantity of food I was able to eat, but I did not expect to have it change my whole outlook. My husband jokes that my surgeon must have implanted some sort of regulator chip inside me - He's never seen me so determined. Once again I say, I am so glad I did it!

I can't wait to reach goal. I've never been so motivated - and much of it comes from the wonderful people on this forum.

WOW tropicaljill - You are doing great yourself. 30 lbs in under 3 months. That is great. We both started at 238 too!

Keep up the good work and kudos!!!

Hi again!

I wanted to let you know that I ended up telling my mom. I didn't write her like I thought that I was going to. I told her over the phone. It just came out! :nervous To my surprise, she was very understanding! She thought that she might even consider LBS. Surprised me a little because she had told me before that she thought it was "the easy way out". That was before I explained to her what the band actually does and that it is just a tool to assist me in my weight loss. Unfortunately, my mom is very competitive with me and I think that it scares her that I might be smaller than her soon!! She weighs about 30 lbs less than I do. I do wish that she wasn't that way, but I know that is why she is thinking about doing it too! I would actually love it if she did. We could support each other and motivate each other. We'll see!

Thanks again for giving me the courage to tell her! I really appreciate it!

Melissa

Wow, thanks for shairng that you guys. Those letters were very powerful and it helps me feel not alone.

Good for you Melissa! I'm so glad your mom's reaction was a supportive one. I bet if you knew it ahead of time you would have told her sooner! You could have saved yourself days/weeks of stress. If we only had a crystal ball, right???

How has the process been going for you otherwise? Any new developments? Keep us posted.

Becca - What a great band date. Best Valentine's Day gift you can give yourself IMO. Good luck to you!