While clearing out space on my computer, I came across a partial draft of

an e-mail I sent to my mother and mother-in-law explaining my decision to

research and have WLS. I know many of you out there can relate.

It was written in April of 06. My surgery took place in July 06 and to date I have lost 70 lbs. :confused:

I hope I never return to the place I was in when I wrote this letter...

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I am writing to help explain my decision to investigate and most likely have weight loss surgery and hopefully help you to understand why.

I know you do not think it is a good idea and you are not in favor of me doing something so drastic to lose weight. To ask me 2 or more years ago if I would consider something like this and I would have, without reservation, said no. But in those two years a lot has changed for me. And unless you have walked in my shoes, it is probably difficult to understand.

<O:p</O:pFor as long as I can remember, my weight has been a concern/issue for me. Even before I was "fat", I was aware of my weight in relationship to my friends, family, strangers, etc. While I was never the fattest girl in the room, I was never the thinnest either. And that didn't bother me - I never strived to be a Victoria Secret Model, nor do I wish to become one at this stage in my life. In high school I was able to keep my weight in check playing 3 sports a year. While I was encouraged to drop a few pounds by my coaches, my weight never affected my ability to play, enjoy or excel at sports. I had a large social group of friends. I was outgoing and loved to participate in outdoor activities like hiking, roller blading, skiing, swimming, etc. While my weight was something that entered my mind from time to time, my self-image was in check and being a few pounds overweight didn't change that.<O:p

<O:p

By the time college came around, I became a little more self conscious about my weight. I can remember driving myself to my first soccer practice for wondering if I would be the heaviest person on the team. To my relief I wasn't, but no longer playing basketball, I packed on the pounds during the off-season between soccer and softball. Without the pressure of a coach forcing me to exercise, the pounds crept up. I was able to take it off the summer going into my sophomore year though. I had heard about the new soccer coach, and how much he loved to make us run, so I starved myself and ran every day until I lost the weight. After getting injured in a soccer game, and being unable to return and play at the same level before my injury, I quit soccer my junior year and now only played softball - getting even less exercise than before. The weight came back once again, plus 20 or so more.

<O:p</O:pBy the end of college, my weight had become a bigger concern for me. I began a series of diets and exercise programs, and never once reached my goal weight. I would "fall off the wagon" so to speak and be right back where I started from, plus a few more. This pattern has been going on for over 10 years now. I diet for a few weeks and then something comes up where the temptation is too great and before I know it I am so far gone that I end up feeling hopeless. Time goes by and I summon the courage to start yet another diet... lose a few pounds... then gain it all back plus some

Everyone says, “but you lost so much weight for your wedding. You can do it again.” Before we got married, yes, I did lose 30 pounds on Weight Watchers. I began in May of 2000 and by November 2000 I had lost 30 or so pounds. Then Thanksgiving came... I "took a break" - you know, to reward myself for doing so well... and I never started up again before the wedding. I guess I kept rationalizing that in November of 2000 I still had 11 months to "get back on track". I mean after all it would be the most important day in my life to date. I couldn't fail, right? I knew so many girls who lost 50, 60, 70 lbs for their wedding. I would do it too.... But I didn't. Whether you realize it or not, when I took my "break" Thanksgiving 2000... I never got back on track and had actually regained 20 of the 30 lbs I lost.

<O:p

What none of you know is that when I walked down the aisle, the happiest day of my life was bitter sweet. I never told anybody, but a significant part of me felt like a huge failure. I didn't achieve a very important goal for myself, even with my own wedding as my motivation.

<O:p

Since then, my weight has yo-yoed several times. I have joined gyms, rejoined weight watchers a dozen times, taken diet pills, tried other diet programs, and fail each and every time. I lose a few pounds and then gain it pack plus 10 more or so. Each failed attempt leaves me feeling, frustrated, depressed, and worthless.

<O:p

For the past 2 years, things have steadily gotten worse. I have episodes of depression where I just want to stay in bed. I don't want to attend social functions because I feel like anyone who sees me is thinking "Oh my God, look how fat she has gotten." I don't participate in the things I used to enjoy. I haven't been skiing in 3 years because I am afraid I will break my skis. I won't go to the beach because I don't want to put on a bathing suit. Hiking is out of the question considering I get winded walking up a single flight of stairs. I am so tired of battling with my weight. I am 31 years old and I am cocooning into myself. I have an amazing husband and a beautiful daughter who deserve more than I am able to give them right now.

<O:p

Hubby works 2 jobs and goes to school. When he gets home he should at least be able to come home to a clean house and dinner on the table, but the truth is, I am usually too tired to do that. I am ready for a nap by the time I get home from work and if the baby will go down for one, I am embarrassed to admit, I will too. If she is not ready for a nap, I have limited energy left to devote to her. It is difficult for me to get on the floor and play with her. She deserves better than that. I don't want to be a lazy mom. I know deep down that is not who I am and I hate myself for letting myself become this way

There is no question that I have to lose weight. But I truly do not have it in me. I am almost 100 lbs overweight and I can't believe I let myself get this way. I am tired of feeling like a failure. My life feels like it is spinning out of control. Honestly, if it weren't for hubby and baby and their unconditional love for me, I truly think I would just give up. I feel disgusting and worthless. I cry at least once each and every day. Every so often hubby catches me and I feel awful for making him see me like that. I can see it hurts him and I hate that. I try to keep it inside as best I can, as long as I can, but with each pound it becomes more difficult.

I keep on a happy face at work, but even there I am becoming more introverted. I no longer leave my room to eat lunch. I don't want anyone to see me eating. While it may sound ridiculous, I constantly wonder what people must be thinking of me when they see the "fat girl" eating something. Even if it is something healthy.

<O:p

I am not looking to do this for an easy way out. It is, in my opinion, my only way out. My last chance for a life worth living the way I want to live it.

I just wanted to give you a hug. I could have written this letter.

You have made the right decision and only you, and others who relate, can understand.

So hugs to you and cheers to your successes

great letter! and more importantly... GREAT JOB!

Thanks Ladies. I'm sure my letter could have been written by so many others on here. That's why I thought it was important to share. Funny thing though... I was dripping in tears as I wrote it and now that I am getting closer to goal, the letter actually makes me smile. Seeing how much has changed is really rewarding

Thank you for your encouraging words!

Good luck to all.

Wow...I couldn't have said it better myself. I feel like we are (or were) living the same life. I am 33 years old, have 3 children, weigh 240, and I feel like I am out of control. I am going to have LB surgery soon, don't have the date yet...am going to the Phsyc. evaluation on Thursday. After that I will make my pre-op appointment. So, I am close!! Yeah!!! Anyway, I do have my husband, mother-in-law and a couple of friends as my support group. I admire you for having the courage to tell your family. I still do not have enough courage to tell my own mom! I find myself wanting to, but talk myself out of it. My mom and I are close, but she once said that she was not for WLS, so I am afraid to tell her.

So, after your letter, did your family support your decision??

Soon to be banded!

Melissa

Wow, what an awesome letter. Like others have said, I could have substituted a few names, etc. and it described my life and how I was feeling prior to surgery perfectly.

Mommyofthree - To answer your question, yes, my family was extremely supportive of my decision to have WLS. After reading the letter, my mom actually called me crying. She said she never knew how much my weight bothered me (always put on a happy face, right?). I did, however, decide to keep my decision rather private. Only my husband, my parents, my husband's parents and 2 of my friends know. I didn't tell extended family yet. I just didn't want to deal with the skepticism. Once I reach goal, though, I think I will come out of the closet so to speak... LOL

We sound like we have a lot in common. If you care to chat outside of LBT, let me know.

Good luck with your journey!

Ok so I am now in tears reading this letter. What courage you have...I just took the opposite approach and said this is my life I don't care if no one else (family wise) will support me it's something I am doing. I Congratulate you on your success!

Your letter made me cry, because it's almost exactly what I've been going through. Substitute horses for sports and getting too fat to ride for injury, and it's my life. Even the naps with the baby. Although my husband isn't quite as supportive as yours. He tells me I'm taking the easy way out.

I have my first doctor's appt. this Friday. I'm bouncing between 239 and 242 lbs. right now, and I'd like to lose 100 lbs.

And once I lose 50 lbs, I'll be able to ride again. Which I'm so looking forward to.

Mommy0105,

I would love to chat with you!

Thanks!!

Mommyofthreebs

Didn't mean to make anyone cry, but I'm glad so many of you can relate to the letter.

Sophrosyne - I'm sorry your hubby isn't as supportive as you would like. He needs to know that this, in no way, is an "easy way out". It is a last resort. My husband wasn't on the band wagon at first either. He gave me the "give it the old college try speech" several times. I think he was more scared of losing me during surgery though. He came around fairly quickly once he realized I was so determined.

mommyofthreebs - I am going to try and send you my e-mail address through here. Let me know if it doesn't work. I have never sent a PM before.

Does anyone else have a letter they would like to share? I'm sure I am not the only one who chose to explain themselves in writing. I think it might be theraputic for others considering surgery and reassuring for those of us who have already taken that step.

Just an idea... feel free to post them here if you think it is a good one.

I can definitely relate to a reluctant husband and I also wrote a letter to explain my decision (I still have not told my parents or children about the band though). His response was a surprise because he is not very romantic or demonstrative. : )

What I wrote to Steve:

You like numbers . . . check these babies out:

Doug: 210

Pat: 215

Jon: 220

I should not be in the middle. I should be around 130. But, as you

well know, I have not seen that since before the boys were born. I have

been fighting this weight issue for over 15 years. I am tired. I have

tried everything that I can think of to lose this weight and keep it

off. Over the last six months, I have lost and regained the same two

pounds a hundred times. How can you possibly understand the frustration

I feel every time I step on the scale? You can't.

This lap band is only a tool. I will still have to diet forever but at

least I might have a chance to keep it off. I don't do this lightly and

have been thinking about it over a year. It might seem like a drastic

measure to you but it's a last resort to me. I don't like the way I

look. I am starting to feel older than my years. I especially don't

like it when the boys call me fat since I know that's how they see me.

I get really emotional when I talk about this because it is so fucking

unfair. I hope you understand why I feel I need to do this and can

support me. If you can't, I understand. I have to do this for my

health.

I don't really know what else to say. Genetics dealt me a shitty hand

and now I have to take a gamble. Are you in or out?

Pat

Steve's response:

I do think I can somewhat understand what you feel and why you want to

have this procedure. I am not hesitant about the money, your health is

much more important. My concern is that you have a good qualified

surgeon and the proper facilities for doing this safely. I trust you

have done your research on fully this. I can understand that you don't

want to tell anyone about this plan and possibly receive a negative

reaction. However, should anything go wrong (always a possibility) I

don't think you should be alone, so I will try my best to accompany you

on this trip. We can talk more about specifics when I get home, but

you've made up your mind and so you do have my support on this. I love

you. See you when I get home.

This post really hits home for me. I just got a date for surgery about 2 weeks ago. I'll be banded on February 12. I've been on an emotional roller coaster since I got my date. One day I'm so ready for the surgery and the next I'm backing up and questioning my decision.

I watched Oprah on Monday (day off from work for Martin Luther King Day). She had her nutritionist/trainer, Bob Greene, on the show, along with some guests who had lost a lot of weight following his eating plan.

Oprah and Bob Greene said there's no miracle to weight loss: eat less, exercise more. They made it sound so damn simple and it makes me want to kick myself because I can't seem to see a diet through to the end. I feel like I've failed a major character test.

Now, I've researched getting the band for 6 months. I have asked questions and gotten great responses, but I still feel like I'm trying to take the easy way out. My head knows that isn't true, but I have trouble forgiving myself for this weakness. I know weight loss with the lapband is not a free gift and we have to give as much as we get.

I guess I wonder if people get the band just because their willpower sucks, or because they are so overwhelmed trying to do it on their own. I really need some help here. Are my feelings normal? Do any of you look back and say, "Why did I do this to myself when all I needed to do was eat less and exercise more?" Do any of you have regrets? I don't think I've ever thought so much about something.

HELP! Thanks for listening.

Debbie

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Get over it. You are not taking the "easy" way out. Living with the band is still about diet and exercise. You just now have a fighting chance to keep the weight off once you've lost it. Be proud of the fact that you are taking a positive step and ignore the naysayers . . . they will always be around.

I still have co-workers who think I should not enter a company wellness (read: weight-loss) contest because I have the band and they consider it cheating. Screw 'em. They don't know the struggle overweight people live with everyday to lose weight. I have every right to get my BMI to a normal level, no matter how I do it.

I watched the same Oprah episode and I was actually happy to see that I already eat many of the items that were on those shelves. I even thought about entering the contest and wrote an essay but will probably not go any further. I just felt better getting my goals down on paper. Everyone has second thoughts before the surgery. But, a few months down the road, you'll wonder why!

Make the decision for you and your health.

PatU

Debbie -

I questioned my decion constantly up to, and shortly after my surgery. I was even sobbing in the OR as they prepped me for surgery. I wondered if I should have chosen the bypass instead and I told my surgeon that I felt like such a failure for resorting to surgery. She told me I was making the right decision, and while a yellow brick road did not lie ahead, she had every confidence in me to use the band and be successful with it.

After the surgery, I still questioned if the LapBand was the right procedure. I was one of the people who still felt a lot of hunger before getting filled. I had been losing weight, but only out of my short termed will power (that was beginning to wane). After my 2nd fill ( I think it was the 2nd one) I noticed a huge difference. I was no longer constantly starving and fruits and veggies actually filled me for once in my life!!!!

From that point on I knew I had definitely made the right decision. And with continued collaboration and band adjustments, I am certain my viewpoint will remain as such.

We are not failures for electing to get the band, and neither will you be. We are strong people who were willing to admit we needed help with our weight loss and even stronger people for doing something about it.

Good luck to you. Keep us posted as to your journey.