In all of my research I've read repeatedly that good marriages are often stronger and poor marriages are often made worse following WLS. I have to admit that I'm very troubled by this. I have been married for 13 and a half years and our marriage has been rocky through the years.

A little bit of background info-My husband has been really struggling the past few years with a major depression/anxiety issues. He attributed most of it to his job that he felt "stuck" at. His employer sold the business and since he had no other options he decided to go to school to drive a truck. He did awesome and was starting to feel better, but when he went to leave for an over the road trucking company he realized he couldn't do it. He struggled with the thought of being away from our boys so much. He decided to look for local employment and sunk back into depression because he felt like he "failed". He was unemployed for a little over a year and finally started full-time employment in November. Through the years he has been trying to deal with his issues on his own, but now that it has gotten SO bad and now that he finally has health insurance he is seeking treatment and hopefully this helps him, but our relationship has suffered because of this. I also know he has a long road ahead of him to get him back to how he used to be. Sometimes I feel like I can't talk to him because he's already going through a lot and honestly sometimes I just don't want to because deep down I think I harbor anger over the fact that when he gets upset (which right now is often) he gets mean. It's kind of like walking on egg shells! We have not even had an intimate relationship in over 2 years due to his lack of interest because of his depression and my own insecurities regarding my weight.

My husband says he supports me (even though he admits he doesn't understand WLS because he has never struggled with his weight a day in his life), but I'm still scared. He went with me to the seminar and he has a better understanding of it now and says he agrees with my decision to have the sleeve. I am scared because feel like our relationship is fragile, but I also feel that this is my ONE chance to make my self healthy and for once I want to put myself first. Part of me thinks maybe this will improve our relationship because I know deep down my husband resents the fact that I have "let myself go" but then at other times I feel like I'm being selfish by focusing on myself when he is still suffering so much with his depression. He gets easily overwhelmed and I'm afraid he isn't going to be able to support me or help with our boys in the way that I'll need following surgery. I'm scared, but determined at the same time if that makes any sense. Am I being selfish?

LOL! He actually thought his testosterone levels were low when he was trying to fix himself so he started taking a testosterone supplement, but never noticed any difference. How do they test your testosterone levels?

Blood test. And the testosterone supplements do not work. If he has an inkling his testosterone levels are low, then they most likely are. Sex drive is not the only indicator. Inability to focus, depression and just drive in general are affected.

Blood test. And the testosterone supplements do not work. If he has an inkling his testosterone levels are low' date=' then they most likely are. Sex drive is not the only indicator. Inability to focus, depression and just drive in general are affected.[/quote']

Thanks for the info. Would they check that in a regular blood work up? Or is it a test specifically for his testosterone? He had blood work done for his physical, but he has all of those issues and they didn't mention anything other than his cholesterol being slightly elevated. I'll have him call his doctor.

They test it through blood test. My husbands levels were low when he was tested. The Dr. put him on Androgel 1.25%. It is a gel that he puts on his shoulder or stomache. It has helped him get his energy back, concentration,sex drive and so on. It's exspensive but worth it. It runs about 400.00 a month but if you have insurance ofcourse it will be cheaper. Good luck I believe your marriage will be fine just remember God doesn't give us things we can't handle.

Thanks for the info. Would they check that in a regular blood work up? Or is it a test specifically for his testosterone? He had blood work done for his physical, but he has all of those issues and they didn't mention anything other than his cholesterol being slightly elevated. I'll have him call his doctor.

You have to request the test. The AndroGel is the more expensive option and you have to be sure to thoroughly wash your hands after. Touching people after, especially pregnant women, is a bad thing.

I get a shot in the hiney each week. So cheap my insurance covers it 100% (they didn't cover $1 of my WLS). It's not a big deal. Takes less than a minute. Your doctor may even let you do the injections yourself. My Dr office is 2 blocks from my work, so it's no biggie for me.

Life is short.... sometimes in the end you need to just take care of yourself and count on yourself. I believe that if you marriage starts having problems- it just wasnt meant to be. I believe that when you are at your correct weight you will be your most true authentic self.... If someone can't love you then, let them go .Good luck... just do it..( I am:)

I hear what you're saying VegasMeg, but find me one marriage that hasn't had problems. One of the beauties of conflict is it gives you the opportunity to look at yourself and your relationships. Perhaps you can find a character defect within yourself which, after some work, allows a new level of intimacy with your partner. This is where growth comes from. I believe the strongest of marriages are riddled with stories of problems, but also of commitment. Through this commitment not only can we have stronger relationships, but we can become better people, too.

But closing the door on the relationship also closes the door on an opportunity for your own personal growth.

Of course, you have to know when to say when and know when a relationship is toxic. Or, perhaps one realizes they are not mature enough to handle the rigors of what it takes to be in a relationship. I certainly didn't understand what it took when my first wife and I divorced over 20 years ago. I thought I was all wordly at the ripe age of 22, but in reality, I had no idea what it took to be a supportive, loving spouse.

No your not selfish, codependent maybe but not selfish. We have a lot of the same struggles and I've started to realize I'm NOT the problem and I want a peaceful life for me and my kids which means no walking on eggshells. I've gotten so sick of being treated poorly that I aksed my husband to leave I'd rather go it alone and all the work with it then live like that anymore. After it sank in to him he changed overnight. He realized I was so so serious. Since then hes been being a dad and a husband, participating in the family. Although not working helping out with gripping being more appreciative. He's finally willing to go to counseling. I'm not kicking him out now but I am weary that this can last. I'm done being a doormat so time will tell.

I would suggest asking for what you need now. I started going to the gym after work on Wed. Then I decided to take the rest of the evening to see friends go shopping and don't come home until after the kids are in bed. This little change showed me he is capable. I just visited a girlfriend for the weekend. He had the kids and they did great. I think their relationship is better when I'm not around and is stronger when they spend the weekend together. I think my husband is depressed and saw that I'm a whirlwind taking care of everything. I needed to give him space to be a parent. At first he may not like the idea but when I come home and see the dynamic between all of them it makes me happy. I'm less than optimistic we will last but for now it is calm and I love him.

Be as prepared as you can be for your surgery have your groceries bought for after and do your research. Do what you can to make life easier with the kids. Some semi premade meals, pick out the kids outfits for the week (if you have little ones), come up with a food schedule like every Tues is Taco night, Wed spaghetti, make your kids help out. These were all my tactics I started when I was preparing to do it all on my own.

Well I don't know your whole story and thanks for allowing me to share I hope it helps. Know you are worth it. Put yourself first. My Dr. Said to me "you are worth it" I said I know, she said "look at me your worth it" I felt like she looked down into my soul at that moment and it got me to think. I put everyone first and worry I'm not good enough. It makes me so mad it's a struggle everyday. Put yourself first do it for you and know the kids will be fine. Let your husband know its not ok to treat you with disrespect. You will be fine and you will be happy. If your carrying your family now you might as well be happy you deserve it!

Disclaimer: Opinionated Post...I understand not everyone feels this way, that's cool.

I hate it when people say "just move on if they don't support you leave them" yadda yadda. Really?

I guess I was just brought up in an old home, taught that you communicate and work things out. My wife and I, man we've had some crazy problems, and sometimes our marriage is pure hell, but we've never cheated on each other, and we don't keep anything at all from each other. Our relationship is wide open, nothing held back. Sometimes it sucks, and sometimes it really helps us grow TOGETHER. I love my wife, she's the center of everything I do and want to be. Check out the book Love Dare, it really is pretty fantastic. Also check out 5 Love Languages, both of those opened our eyes to what we were doing, the path we were leading down, and what we needed to do to fix it. Now couples frequently ask us who we saw for counseling, we never did.

I thought the same thing about testosterone too. I felt depressed, fatigued, worthless and always down in the dumps. I didn't have any motivation to do anything except sleep. My levels weren't even all THAT low...but they were low. I tried the gel, I hated it. I responded great the first month, afterwards, it sucked. I stopped responding. I hated having to wait to get dressed, not being able to touch my wife or handle anything she or the kids may come in contact with...even my dogs worried me, Lord knows he doesn't need ANY help at all with his "drive". I started getting injections. My Dr prescribes my test to me, and I do my own shots at home, my numbers have been steadily in the upper 800's each test done now. I would also have his e2 (estrogen) levels checked, and ask them everytime after to check those levels. There's a chance that when supplementing test, your e2 levels will rise and counter the test injections, defeating the purpose of getting pinned in the first place. He'll also need to get the old wonderful prostate checked out regularly, as the injections can also cause it to swell. For now, I just get my blood panels done to keep that checked, but my Dr wouldn't let me do that until she did the manual exam first.

I agree Mark.

My wife and I have been married 16 years. We have two gorgeous daughters. Relationships aren't disposable. You can't say 'You don't tick that box for me anymore, so you're out of here'. Working through the tough times together is part of what makes a relationship.