I am certain I need this surgery. I am certain that I am going to get this surgery. I am certain I will be healthier in critical ways after this surgery. But I am not at all certain that I will be happier after this surgery.

My name is Dee, but if you call me Devichan I'll answer. I've used it as a nickname for years. I'm 41 years old, a mother of two (ages 16 and 7), poly, married, pagan, geeky, techie woman. I love my smile, my eyes, and my curves. I love to knit, play roleplaying games, watch football, and geek about Doctor Who (sometimes all at the same time!) I'm owned by three cats (Echo, a tuxedo female, and tortoiseshell littermates River and Kaylee), all of whom are adopted from rescues. We're looking into getting a dog. I live in the Twin Cities of Minnesota and I love it here. I've also lived in Ohio, North Carolina, Indiana, Michigan, and California. My family's idea of a vacation is a yearly trip to Dragon*Con in Atlanta. My daughters are the lights of my life... one snarky, gothy, creative, musical, and self-described (accurately) as "a teenager with a lick of sense" and the other bouncy, happy, colorful, who is a fan of both My Little Pony and the Avengers and who thinks nothing of running around the house in a pink tutu and crown wearing a batman mask, Wonder Woman arm bracers, and carrying a sword and shield.

I can't remember when people weren't talking about me in terms of my weight. food restrictions at age 6. "You have such a pretty face!" at seven. "I swore I'd never buy you plus sizes, but you've forced me to!" at eight. Weight Watchers at nine. If I could go back to 14-year old me, wearing a size 14, I would tell her everyone was wrong. Looking at pictures of the time, I was softly, roundly, genuinely pretty.

College came and with it an extra hundred pounds - body by Mountain Dew. (In the early 90s no one was talking to teenagers about how bad soft drinks were; saccharine was still the Devil In powder Form.) I had a two three-liter of Mountain Dew PER DAY habit at one point because of serious caffeine addiction. I broke it at age 23, but the damage was done. I stayed at 240 through most of the next decade, including after the birth of my first child.

Then I hurt first one knee, and then the other after the birth of my second child. Another 40 pounds arrived because I dieted and exercise hurt. Arthritis set in, I dieted some more as I was told, and with that even more pounds. Now, at 41, I weigh between 295-305 depending on stress levels. I am twice the size I was when everyone told me I was too fat to ever fall in love, get married, and have children.

I am OK with my fat. It's a part of me. I don't use it as a shield between me and the world, because I don't hide from the world. I am an extrovert and make friends easily. I haven't been without a partner since the age of 17, and between 15 and 17 I had a boyfriend or girlfriend for all but three months. I don't have diabetes, don't have heart trouble, don't have thyroid issues, don't have respiratory issues.

And yet.

My knees ache, especially in the winter. My mobility is increasingly compromised. I love to do yoga, but the pain in my knees is preventative. I don't THINK I have sleep apnea, but on 6-FEB-2013 I will be finding out the results of a sleep study.

I hurt. And I'm tired of hurting. I will soon need a cane to take the bus and light rail. Stairs are a problem - for the pain, not the breathlessness. I've been told I'm 15 years away from eligibility for a knee replacement. This is the only option doctors want to discuss. I don't dare diet again. I can't afford another 20 pounds.

On the 18th, I have my first consult. I do not want to look like a melting ice cream cone, and after decades of fat I almost certainly will. I will miss my curves.

And yet. I am certain of one thing: I hurt, and this is the only option I am being offered that will help.

Helloooooo! Nerd-pagan-fabulous fatty, here, too! they shouldn't care about your confidence. They mostly want to make sure you're not a head-case & can understand the implications of what you are about to put yourself through. I've been nerves since day 1, & that was 15 months ago! I'm glad to meet ya.

You have an awesome way of telling your journey .... A true story teller of sorts ...I am also going through the beginning stages actually on my last step (sleep study) ... I look forward to reading more of your journey, finding strength in your confidence and honesty

Two appointments back-to-back, two positive results.

Yesterday was my second nutritionist appointment. I am down 9 pounds in a month. She is thrilled, and when I gave her my food journals (yay, Sparkpeople!) she says she wants me to keep doing what I'm doing.

The results of my psych tests came back. Unsurprisingly, I came back as a nonconformist. But they are also seeing my motivation and like the fact I'm taking what I'm learning here and devising strategies to make this work. I already have begun to be more mindful of my food intake, I'm practicing chewing to applesauce consistency, and I've already dropped soft drinks, caffeine, and drinking with my meals and for half an hour after. They didn't see signs of psychopathology or of disordered eating. All of these things plus my success so far reassured him and he is going to recommend the surgery for me.

Other successes: I have had the pre-existing clause removed from my insurance with the proof I was insured at my last job. I joined the gym on the first floor of my office and start tomorrow (today I didn't have time to go before work after my appointment). Work pays for a personal trainer visit every four weeks, so I'm going to set that up soon. Until then, I'm going to walk. I put together my exercise playlist today, and I also have some podcasts I can enjoy while working out.

My sleep study showed no apneas, but plenty of hypnopneas. I think that is something that might go away with shrinking size.

I told my sixteen-year-old last weekend. True to her awesomeness, her reaction was "Grandmother likes to be bossy and nosy, so I won't tell her. It's your body. I hope it works out for you. Should I be worried about anything?" I love this girl, I really do. (She just got into art school. <3 SO PROUD. <3)

Now I'm flickering back and forth between calm and nerves. My next dietician appointment is 9-MAY. My daughter (who normally lives with her biodad and stepmom) will be arriving in early June. I would like to have the surgery before she visits. If I don't have it by the end of May, I might not be able to do all my summer plans and would have to wait until September because travel is important. I really don't want to wait until September. On the other hand, my insurance requires six months of supervised dieting. If they decide my visit to my PCP back in December counts, I'm in. If they don't, it's September.

I don't want to be stuck in my pre-operation supervised diet phase for six more months....but I have to admit on a money level, I wouldn't mind. I guess that now that I'm on the road, I want to get to the destination and get it done.

Still certain. Still uncertain.

Dee, welcome! I think you have very realistic views but, you might be surprised too. I was pretty outgoing and felt self confident in most aspects of my life too. I have been obese most ofmy life and at some level had some peace with it. Well, I thought I did - I don't see it quite the same now.

Anyway, the inspiration I want to share that for a person who is motivated, who understands that the road won't always be easy and how to ask for help and actually USE the information provided - you can be wildly successfull. That is how I feel anyway!

It took me 14 months to lose 150#. I could have lost it faster, but after I lost the first.... 110-120 or so I took a little break before pushing for the homestretch. I needed the mental break - surprise surprise... I discovered I wasn't actually sure I wanted to be that "normal sized". I am sure glad I did though!

Even my family... the people who see me everyday are shocked to see my before pictures. Somehow we were all in a little denial...

Don't I just look happier now? I sure do feel better..

It's been a while since I updated.

Today, I got my approval from insurance. I meet with the surgeon on Friday at 10:45. As it happens, I have a stomach bug today and where I thought I'd be really excited, what I am is tired. I'm down to 269 on my home scale, so I'm sure I've met their pre-surgery requirements. (And I'm down 40 since December.)

We've told my 7-year-old. She is understanding and promised not to tacklehug me while I'm recovering. Her big question was would I be asleep, like her friend Jacob who got tubes in his ears because "he got earaches, like, ALL the TIME Mom, it was so sad!" She also says she'll be happy to help make me Soup in the microwave and eat the noodles out of my soup for me. We've made our morning chewable Vitamins into a mommy-daughter time, which is kinda nice. She says she's looking forward to me being skinny like her and eating little meals like she does. <3 The rest of my chosen family remains supportive.

I've started taking Biotin, collagen, and Calcium with D already on top of my daily multi and B complex and the D I was prescribed. (In Minnesota just about everyone has Vitamin D issues, I'm told.)I am noticing an improvement in my skin and hair since I've been doing that, and I hope it will be enough to keep the hair loss to a minimum. I remember what it was like to lose hair after my kids were born, so I have some perspective on what I'm looking at.

I finally told a few of my friends what was going on. The basic response was "do what you have to do to stop hurting. You really have tried everything else, and we love you regardless." It's good to have friends...

I guess I'm moving more toward the certain end of things?

I love how you tell your story. I started this journey about the time you did. Finished my supervised diet (3 months) and was approved by insurance. My surgeon requires a cardiology clearance - I have CAD and a heart valve issue - so I do that tomorrow. I hope to meet with the surgeon later this week or next get scheduled for mid- June. Ready to start the next phase of this journey.

Before....

And two months after!

Just read through this thread & really appreciate your story- good for you!!! Well on your way. I am pre-op & having the same kinds of aches & pains you described... Are you feeling better? How was the surgery?

The surgery was fine, actually. Not painless, but I didn't experience much pain at all. I was off the pain meds by three days out and working from work at 9 days. (Don't tell my doc.) My knees don't even feel like the same joints I had two months ago, there's such a big difference. I have only needed to take Tylenol one time for knee pain since the surgery, and I had been a 6-Advil-A-Day habit. NO regrets.

Awesome! Great to hear. Starting to feel a sense of peace about my decision moving forward for so many reasons, including the possibility that my knees won't crunch anymore!! Thanks again for sharing your story.

The surgery was fine, actually. Not painless, but I didn't experience much pain at all. I was off the pain meds by three days out and working from work at 9 days. (Don't tell my doc.) My knees don't even feel like the same joints I had two months ago, there's such a big difference. I have only needed to take Tylenol one time for knee pain since the surgery, and I had been a 6-Advil-A-Day habit. NO regrets.

And Dee, you know what??? It is only going to get better from here on out. I was like you in that I had lots of pain in my knees, hips, back, etc. I got to the point where I would not go out with friends because I could not keep up. The pain was just too much. Could not even go shopping, grocery or otherwise. My poor hubby did it all. Today 7.5 weeks out, 35lbs down, I went to Super Target, walked every inch of the store. No pain and no loss of breath. You will experience so much more freedom. I was always thinking about the shortest route to do things so I did not have to walk and be in pain. I can't wait for you to see how much your life will change! Best wishes to you and a big hug!