Today.. I should say yesterday since I have been up all night and it's nearly 5am.. I have been feeling different sort of emotions from my last post. For instance this is the first day that chickening out has crossed my mind since early on.

My surgery is scheduled for the fourth of February and I am driving six hours tomorrow or Saturday down to my parents house where I was living (loosely used term) when I started this process. I think that realization that the time has come for my 2 week pre-op appointments (21st and 29th) is what has me literally on edge with my anxiety. In fact one of the reasons I'm still up is because I was having trouble breathing like I usually do when my anxiety kicks up and the fear really sets in. Luckily I've gotten one of my xanax pills in before it went full fledged panic attack! Breathing is a bit better now but when my thoughts really start turning back to the surgery I get tight chested again. I hate anxiety!

I hope I can get a grip on myself and go back to my silent acceptance.

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I'm not really much help, I just started this process, but I know how you feel. I had a planned csection and my anxiety going up to it was so horrible I almost put myself into labor. I was shaking, and crying, and a few nurses ha to try and calm me. But remember to keep your eye on the prize. For me, it was my son , but for you it's the beginning of a beautiful, healthy life with a new body to match . As long as you keep your sights on the results, you can push through it. It will be more then worth it when 6 months down the line you look at how amazing you look/feel.

Today.. I should say yesterday since I have been up all night and it's nearly 5am.. I have been feeling different sort of emotions from my last post. For instance this is the first day that chickening out has crossed my mind since early on.

My surgery is scheduled for the fourth of February and I am driving six hours tomorrow or Saturday down to my parents house where I was living (loosely used term) when I started this process. I think that realization that the time has come for my 2 week pre-op appointments (21st and 29th) is what has me literally on edge with my anxiety. In fact one of the reasons I'm still up is because I was having trouble breathing like I usually do when my anxiety kicks up and the fear really sets in. Luckily I've gotten one of my xanax pills in before it went full fledged panic attack! Breathing is a bit better now but when my thoughts really start turning back to the surgery I get tight chested again. I hate anxiety!

I hope I can get a grip on myself and go back to my silent acceptance.

Sent from my Note 10.1 using VST

Hey,

Anxiety like that cones from a real place. If you have a therapist, I would encourage you to talk to him or her. You could also talk to your PCP but make sure you understand or can cope with your anxiety, surgery or no surgery.

I agree with the previous poster, too. Keep in mind what brought you to this place in your journey. If you can still identify with that, I would proceed. If not, take a step back and reevaluate your decision.

Best of luck!

I am sorry that your anxiety about this is so high. I was just sleeved yesterday and my recovery has been pretty easy and nearly pain-free so far. If you'd like to read about my experience, it is here: http://www.verticalsleevetalk.com/topic/65606-my-experience-so-farnow-with-details/ -- it's pretty long and detailed because I was also letting people know about the Mexico experience, but I broke it into paragraphs and it should be pretty easy to skip to the surgery and post-op parts.

Obsidian, I understand where you are coming from. I have had a couple surgeries and I was a mess the night before. I have also suffered from anxiety and depression and know how debilitating they can be. If you have not talked to your doctor about how your feeling now I would do so. Maybe they would prescribe something for the next two weeks that would help you get through this time. I also agree with the previous poster. If you have a therapist it would help to talk.

In the meantime, why not try writing down your dreams and hopes for once you are at your goal? I also have a lot of wt to lose. I am sure that life is difficult for you right now and that you have things that you would like to be doing that you are not able to do now. For me it is riding horses. What is it for you? Can you picture that lighter, healthier you? What is she doing? How does she, or he-- as I do not know what sex "Obsidian" is lol, The sleeve is a tool that will help you. I don't think you can afford not to do this, can you? I wt 350 now and this surgery is a lifeline for me. I feel like there is a pot of gold on the other side and I can't wait to get to it even though the path is full of difficulty.

Two weeks must feel like a long time right now but it is going to fly. You are going to be okay and you are going to be taking the right steps toward a healthier you. If you would like to friend me please do. Do some things you love. Go to the show, read, treat yourself (without food) and pamper yourself. You can get through this and you will be in a better place this time next year. Best wishes to you. Delena

In the meantime, why not try writing down your dreams and hopes for once you are at your goal? I also have a lot of wt to lose. I am sure that life is difficult for you right now and that you have things that you would like to be doing that you are not able to do now. For me it is riding horses. What is it for you?

Riding horses is also a dream of mine and has been since I was just barely old enough to talk. In fact just this last fall I got two horses of my own! One will be two years old in May and will likely start to be trained to ride at the end of 2013. The other is a 15 year old broodmare, the younguns mother in fact (who may be carrying a sibling). She isn't trained to ride either and we're not sure how trainable she will be since she's just been a broodmare up to this point in her life. I have worked with both of them in the round pen some but being so overweight it can get tiring. Training them is something I was looking forward to with this surgery.

As far as the therapist.. I have had a psychiatrist for 10 years. I haven't really seen him much in this last year since I am off any anti-depressants. But he is the one that prescribes me something for my anxiety disorder. There is unfortunately nothing it comes from. It is simply a misfiring in my brain that turns on my fight or flight response to imaginary threats far too easily. It began when I was only 10, I suffered through almost a year of being agoraphobic after my first attack as a kid (unable to leave the house) until somehow I pushed through it. Other than my anti anxiety meds when the feelings overwhelm me my doctor assures me that while the depression I've dealt with may be alleviated by the surgery, the anxiety is likely to be there throughout my whole life.

I GOT NEWS TODAY TOO... that only has increased my frustration and anxiety. The financial lady at the center contacted me today. She's telling me that I was supposed to call the center to let them know when I got under 400lbs because when I did she wanted to ask the surgeon if he wanted me to do a sleep study. Thing is I DID call them, she was just somehow left out of the loop when all of the team was notified to further the process along. Despite having seen the surgeon who said everything looked good and jumping through all of the other hoops with the psychologist and nutritionist . she wants to check with the surgeon to find out if he would want a sleep study! If he suddenly wants a sleep study that is going to delay the surgery. I have never had sleeping problems that I (or my husband) is aware of. My husband does for sure, I keep telling him we need to get him to a Dr because of his daily horrible migraines and how he stops breathing when I listen to him sleep.

On top of that she is telling me they don't have a current pap smear. Back in late October or early November we went through all of this. I scheduled a pap smear for November. I had my last pap smear from 2011 faxed over to their office and was told that I should be ok and that the note said every two years for the pap smear. I was told to go ahead and cancel the pap smear appointment I had made. The financial lady then proceeds to tell me that I am going to need to get that pap smear taken care of! I told her flat out that making an appointment for a pap at the clinic where I go will be at least 2-3 months away!

By some miracle she was able to call over to the women's clinic and light a fire under someone's behind to get me squeezed in on Monday. Which also meant they had to move some appointments around at the bariatric clinic so Monday is going to be a VERY long day from 8:30am until who knows... sometime in the afternoon. I'm grateful for the pap smear being cleared up but that still leaves potential sleep study delays.

I don't know if I can handle the surgery being pushed further out. I've already been trying to keep myself together up til now and starting to lose it with the couple weeks wait ahead of me. If i have to go through all of this again... EESH!