Well, tonight is night two I can't sleep so I thought I'd share some things that are on my mind keeping me up. One is how we strive so hard to look "normal" - according to who or by what doctors notes? In mind mind of growing up is that you have to have long pretty shiney hair, I get that from my Christian upbringing. You should be very respectful to your parents...from my Parents upbringing. You must have small danty feet in which to wear the cute and beautiful shoes that would go with all the up to date styles that only come in zero to size 12/14. In the office where I work, I should dress professional which is hard to do in a size 24. Even with that 12/14 is considered huge while in school. I've always been heavy so I have dealt with this my entire life. You should never speak your mind - keep your thoughts to yourself if you want to keep that friend, keep your job or not be in family war zones. You should always wear makeup and not just any make up...expensive make up....according to the commercials, your eyes will drain, your face will sweat or feel heavy and your skin will look like an oil slick unless you use what "every one else is using".

You must aways smile when a man/woman smiles and you and not show offense if you smile first and not get a smile back. You must be the "normal" height for a woman (about 5'6/5'7 ) and for a man ( about 5'9/6'). This is what we see most in movies that makes us compare our lives and bodies to the unrealist world.

My husband and I married in 1990, divorced in 1994, remarried in 2002. He says I am fine just how I am. But I can't get past what reality forces me to think I should be. He is never complentary, hardly ever affectionete. Never says Im pretty or I love you just because. Never holds my hand in public or at home. We merely live together. I "think" we are in love but not even sure of that anymore. I have trust issues with him and he thinks life is all about saving money. Working your tail off most every day and not spending it...and if you do..I will hear about how many bills we have...which are all up to date, not is alot of debt. My 2005 truck is paid off in like 3 months. He drives a new truck, my son works for him and drives a new truck. We ARE NOT in trouble. I remarried thinking (from my christian childhood) that it was the right thing to do since we had kids. We did fall back in love and were remarried within 2 months of bumping into each other uptown. Now, we are back , well almost, back to the reason for the divorce.

So, that is some of my sleep insomnia thoughts. Here's the rest. I have surgery on Monday...thats less than 48 hours. I haven't been able to heat much this past week. Not unusual to only get in about 300 calories a day. I tried going back to some of my norman veggies and healthy foods to help with the dizziness and lighthead that

accompanies my migraines. Well, after being off real food for so long, they taste horrible so I just got get a bottle of water. I can feel how my body is deteriating. Muscle aches, headaches, dizzy, bumping into walls, vomiting after having something like jello. I don't dare call the dr for fear of him canceling. Actually looking for to the hospital stay so someone can get me back on track. Its 245am and I just had a small instant brown rice that actually did taste good. As of this morning my weight was down to 305 from 338 in April.

This is just what is exploding on to these keys right now. There is so much more in my mind, I can't shut it off. I have anxiety and panic attacks which is making this all worse. Did I mention my husband is totally against the surgery. He says it stupid to do something that is elective and doesn't understand it not elective for "ME" . I need this emoionally and physically. I told him today, when I asked if he was taking me Monday and was he staying or leaving during surgery.." You haven't been there for me in the journey to get here so I don't expect you to be there after the journey". He just stared at me and said Im not leaving while you are in surgery which just sounds stupid to me considering how he acts on a daily basis.

Then there is the dying on the table issue. What would happen to my kids, my mom and dad and grandbaby - I am the caretaker of all. Everything people say to me I hang on to because I don't know if I'll make it through the surgery...nothing is a guarentee. sorry for the spelling-everything is just pouring out right now.

So, tell me, does anyone else feel this way or is my mind this warped from an Unrealistic World?

Hugs! I know how you feel. I was terrified right before surgery, especially since i have three kids. Most of my family was totally against the surgery. I really think they thought I wouldn't make it. You are doing the right thing to give the gift of the sleeve to yourself. It is going to change your life is so many wonderful ways. Right now, you need to focus on YOU. Heal yourself. Later on, you can evaluate the relationships in your life. You are going to do great on Monday. We will be here to cheer you on! You know in your heart why you are about to have surgery. I can tell you, the sleeve is amazing. Just hang in there and know you are making a great choice.

First I would like to start off by saying I hate that all of these thoughts are keeping awake and away from taking care of yourself. Sometimes life isn't the pretty picture we all see on tv and in movies. This is the real world. There's going to lots of downs, but lots of ups too. The downs make the ups taste sweeter. All we can do is take one day at a time.

Now with your husband... Don't think that because he doesn't look at you like he is mad about you that he isn't. You guys have a history and it goes back a while. There are going to be days that you both look at each other and see that spark and times you won't. I learned this the hard way as well. I've been with my husband for 16 years, married for 10. Nothing is easy when it's worth it. Maybe sit down and talk to him about what you feel. Because when men love, they want to provide. We want to nurture. So his working so much may just be for you. Also, not supporting you. He fears the worse. Mine did too. And mine is also an enabler. I am sure you've heard: "You look fine" so many times. But once he sees that weight falling off of you he will say that you made the right choice.

We all have fears about going under the knife. I just have to say that this is the best thing I've ever done for me. From the seminar until now I have lost 65 pounds. I could've never done that on my own. So just breath. This is for you to make the quality of your life better for you and your family. Tomorrow is going to be a great day. You will make it perfectly. I know you just wanted to vent, but I felt compelled to share the little bit I have learned through this. Please keep us updated. We'll see you on the loser's bench. Kisses and hugs.

Thank you both for sharing your experiences so help me see it will be ok. I'm not sold on it yet...but I will keeping going over in my mind what you have told me. So many days I think I made a mistake remarrying him. I honestly think we have fallen out of love....we are more roomates that love each other 'sometimes'. I hope I'm wrong about how he feels about me, my heart is searching for it anywhere else.

I have been overweight my entire life. My first concern of my weight was when I was 6 and my brother and I both weighed and I weighed 77lbs and he YOUR FAT! I just ballooned from there. Not saying it is his fault Im fat, I've just had these feelings for so many years, I have no idea how to retrain my brain. I worry when I get to my size, I'll be afraid to eat worried I'm get back to this ugly person "I" feel I've become.

I hope and think I'll feel better after Im in recovery. I will keep you updated. With a tearful and so thankful thank you for your imput. Thanks for listening.

Maybe tonight I can get some sleep...going 3 days and little sleep is not helping.

My brother was the same. In fact, he called me shamu on a daily basis... Now he's 340 pounds and I am 220 and I rub it in daily lol. (He is 6'5" but he's still big, so ha.) You know we are hardest on ourselves. You need to tell yourself daily "I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and dog-gone it, people like me." (Yes, snl Stewart Smiley lol) When you project positive, people see positive. And as far as eating... Your sleeve won't let you eat that much. So as long as you make the right decisions, you're great.

You were very brave to share so much about yourself.

I want to ask you (because it's working for me) to try to think positively by repeating mantras so to speak. I've been listening to Dr. Dyer CD's about how you create what you want for yourself. Maybe start slowly by saying "I am beautiful. I am love and lovable."

Here's what he said that I try to keep repeating "When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change."

This is not a judgement post- I say it because all that stuff in society isn't real. We CHOOSE to believe it or not.

All there really is is what you tell yourself there is. You are love and you and everything around you is beautiful.

Ooh- this one is good too....."We are spirits in a body- not bodies with a spirit."