i went with my bestfriend shopping today. she has an amazing body!!! we went to a store that I CANT FRIGGIN WAIT TO SHOP IN!!!! as i helped her try on a million and one sexy dresses for her birthday party tomorrow at a club, i couldnt help but be sooooooooo jealous!

i kept looking in the mirror at myself & i swear, i saw flaws that ive never noticed before. i mean damn, the things i was saying about myself in my head were so mean & cruel. id knock someones head off their shoulders if they ever said to me what i was saying to myself! im more worst critic.

at this point, tuesday isnt coming fast enough! i just want to be sleeved & begin my journey in going back to a size where i felt sexy!

tomorrows my bestfriends birthday party & shes so upset that im not going but the truth is, i cant wear heels because im too big to balance myself on a heel & it kills my feet & back! & i wouldnt dare put on a sexy dress & i only have 1 pair of jeans that fit me! while shes all cute & thin but curvy, im big, round & just not cute. i could never tell her this because she would just roll her eyes to the back of her head & say "soooooo what!" or "no your not!" but i know i am & its not so what! theres nothing that i hate more than when i express my feelings to someone & they dismiss them! smh! what pisses me off also is she always ALWAYS calls herself fat. if youre fat, WDF AM I??? i literally threatened her today & cursed her out and told her to STFU!!! my insecurities were sitting up on mars some where. smh!

thanks for reading my story, i needed to get that out!

Jasleeve,

Glad you could vent but, don't be so hard on yourself. You have taken the first step to good health. You are about to join many before you who have felt the back, knee and body pains along with the embarrassment of living life large. We endure looks, not fitting in restaurant booths, we get plantar fasciitis, edema and when we look in the mirror, we do not see the beautiful people we are inside under the layers covering us. You will gain self confidence, motivation and long term health.

So set your goal that next year, as your friend gets one year older-you will be ther in your little black dress smiling!

Good luck on your journey.

thank you so much! its true.. next year, ill be there for sure! i just look in the mirror & im so DISGUSTED! i also feel like she looks at me the same. i mean, i know she accepts me flaws and all but i do feel that she looks at me like "im not on her level." i even dress some what like a tom boy because dressing too girly isnt flattering. im ashamed.

Jasleeve,

Glad you could vent but, don't be so hard on yourself. You have taken the first step to good health. You are about to join many before you who have felt the back, knee and body pains along with the embarrassment of living life large. We endure looks, not fitting in restaurant booths, we get plantar fasciitis, edema and when we look in the mirror, we do not see the beautiful people we are inside under the layers covering us. You will gain self confidence, motivation and long term health.

So set your goal that next year, as your friend gets one year older-you will be ther in your little black dress smiling!

Good luck on your journey.

No shame my friend. You WILL peel away those feelings. Look to the future and keep that bright smile!

Keep us apprised on how you are doing, look to others for support and experience if you have any questions as you move forward.

No looking back (well at least not until you hold up that one pair of jeans in amazement you used to wear them).

Take care

thank you for the kind words. i attend support groups, have a youtube vlog & visit VST often. i guess i cant believe how i let myself go but i guess it will get better after surgery!

No shame my friend. You WILL peel away those feelings. Look to the future and keep that bright smile!

Keep us apprised on how you are doing, look to others for support and experience if you have any questions as you move forward.

No looking back (well at least not until you hold up that one pair of jeans in amazement you used to wear them).

Take care

I remember feeling the same sense of disgust with myself during the time that I was waiting to have my surgery. It's like all the self hate that I had bottled up for years suddenly came to the surface because now I was doing something about it. It was kind of awful.

You have already taken many steps towards creating the life you WANT to live for yourself and the body you deserve. Please keep us updated, and let us know if your friend suddenly starts behaving differently towards you once you are "in her turf". I really hope she doesn't.

well shes a really good friend & supports me tremendously! i just know her so well & i listen to some things that she says about other people who are smaller than me or whatever... i say to myself, if she feels that way about them, she must feel that way about me! idk. when im with her, i play the ugly fat friend. although im not ugly, the way i dress isnt too flattering. i HATE it.

I remember feeling the same sense of disgust with myself during the time that I was waiting to have my surgery. It's like all the self hate that I had bottled up for years suddenly came to the surface because now I was doing something about it. It was kind of awful.

You have already taken many steps towards creating the life you WANT to live for yourself and the body you deserve. Please keep us updated, and let us know if your friend suddenly starts behaving differently towards you once you are "in her turf". I really hope she doesn't.

im totally there with ya girlie. i feel the same way at times and girl you should hear when i talk to myself about my size...my friends are like urs and say 'no ur not!' 'dont say that!' im like yea yea..but soon you will be shopping in the same stores as her and u can look where u came from and feel so good trying on a smaller size!!!!

and lets not be so hard on ourselves k? <3

you have absolutely noooo idea how BAD i want to shop there! i think i would even get a part time job there just to be there all day long! i would go there with a clean credit card & just max it out & buy everything! lol. dont get me wrong, im not that big. ima 16/18 in jeans & wear a XL/XXL but i just remembering being a size 6 in jeans & a M/L in shirts. i try to be as fashionable as possible but its hard when you have to hide this & that but accentuate this and that. it has gotten to the point that wearing jeans is "dressing up" and wearing sweats is an everyday thing. and i only wear black because it gives an illusion! lol. im so over this!

im totally there with ya girlie. i feel the same way at times and girl you should hear when i talk to myself about my size...my friends are like urs and say 'no ur not!' 'dont say that!' im like yea yea..but soon you will be shopping in the same stores as her and u can look where u came from and feel so good trying on a smaller size!!!!

and lets not be so hard on ourselves k? <3

I understand completely someday my swagger is on high, but other days Im not feeling my self even when someone else is saying your cute or sexy. I know I should not feel like that I just want out of this body simply time for a change I'm tried of feeling I have to go the extra extra mile to look good jus want to be comfortable inn my own skin.

You are on the right road, and don't be so hard on yourself. You made a life changing decision. It was the best thing I have ever done for myself. I had 4 kids and never lost and baby weight. I have struggled with it for 20 yrs and I hated shopping in the big and tent department too. I was extremely hard on myself, but there is light at the end of the tunnel ... trust me. I found something the other day that I had lost quite a while back...my hipbones! Sad huh? but I was soooo excited. I actually dont have to shop in CJ Banks...I graduated to Christopher Banks the skinny store. I have gone from a size 24 to a 10/12 in 6 months. It will happen for you too. Just stick with the diet and excerise too, it will help with the loose skin. I eat whatever I want to now and I am still losing. I even ate a lindor chocolate the other day. But, no soda....it's been 6 months and still counting. Good Luck! chat back if ya want to. Merry Christmas!

Makes me feel alot better to know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and make me work even harder to get this done yet it's not the end surgery that is but it will help to get my happy back this 6 month process is helping me learn my self all over good and bad thank you for such kinda words and your story

thanks everyone for all the support, its greatly appreciated. im feeling very weird today. i should be excited about surgery tomorrow or maybe even nervous but im not, im mad! i just hate feeling nauseous because of this diet & i hate that i let myself go so bad & i hate that i have to do something so drastic to help me with my food addiction. i wish i wouldve been strong enough to do this on my own but i know im not & i know i never will be! i have to say, im grateful & thankful to GOD for giving me the opportunity to have this surgery because i know that there are other people who wish they were in my shoes right now & i feel bad that i feel the way i feel but its honest. theres also other personal things going on in my life that i wish were better. my recent ex of 9.5 yrs wont be there making me feel loved & although hes so poisoness, part of me wishes he wasnt so i could have my old bestfriend back. hes all i know. he texted me today wishing me good luck & i really just wanted to curse him out but instead i just never responded! anyway, im an emotional wreck right now & im getting off topic. i guess this is natural.

so tomorrow is my surgery. im going to pull up my big girl panties (literally) & man up & do what needs to be done!!!!

Please try to change your perspective. I know its hard, but we're all either there with you now, or have been there. Looking forward is the only option. Bring into your mind the visions of when that friend is there, holding those millions of sexy outfits for YOU to try on. It WILL happen! Use those feelings to propel yourself into success. You're already on the right track - You dictate your success. You've found a tool to work with, and now you're using it. You dictate how you react to people and this guy is obviously beneath you - and you not dignifying him with a response is the right way to deal with it! Hang in there! We're here. We're rooting for you!

thank youu! i appreciate it!!

Please try to change your perspective. I know its hard, but we're all either there with you now, or have been there. Looking forward is the only option. Bring into your mind the visions of when that friend is there, holding those millions of sexy outfits for YOU to try on. It WILL happen! Use those feelings to propel yourself into success. You're already on the right track - You dictate your success. You've found a tool to work with, and now you're using it. You dictate how you react to people and this guy is obviously beneath you - and you not dignifying him with a response is the right way to deal with it! Hang in there! We're here. We're rooting for you!

I know EXACTLY where you are. My surgery is the 11th. Most of time time when I am not looking in a mirror, I don't obsess over the way I look. Show me a mirror and I am in shock over how huge and bloated i am. I'm sorry, but it's almost freakish. I am so terrified about getting into situation or meeting new people that I don't go out to very many get-togethers. There is this Christmas party given by my husband's friend in a swanky part of Los Angeles. I know it's small of me, but everyone there is dressed to kill and gorgeous. It's not even my scene if skinny, but looking this way .... NO WAY!

I am also down to squeezing into 2 pair of pants. I cannot bear to buy a size up from an 18.

Don't worry. You've got it right. Just focus on what you have to do.