Hello

My name is Marc and the first thing I want to say is I am terrified.

I am a 51 and also a gay man who is single and feels sometimes in a double world -- in the idea with the prejudice of being overweight in traditional society but as well in a gay community being fat is certainly not admired and totally looked down upon in a disgusting way moreso than straight society

I'm having surgery on August 31 by Dr. Ortiz in Mexico. No one in this world with the exception of my therapist and my best friend knows I'm going to do this. I have no idea what to say after ward but I am sure I will find something -- any ideas would be great.

Sometimes having a little bit of medical knowledge is not good. I constantly think of slippage errosion and various banding failure/ or complications in the operating room.

I have heard both good and not so good about Dr. Ortiz as well as of the other surgeons in Mexico. However everyone in medicine has patients who for whatever reason have not been pleased-- so far I am still ok with him as the surgeon.

I'm going to be self-pay and terrified if I have a complication once back here in the states that I will the up a creak without a paddle.

I will be followed by Dr. Ren whose a surgeon here in New York in regards to fills.

I look in my hands as I am typing this --these hands haved welcomed hundreds of babies into his world over the years and as well comforted and touched many who were leaving this world. --They are the same hands that are killing myself with my overeating and the hands that when I touch my own body I feel a disgust and repulsion.

Things in an extremely stressful as in my family (who is 300 miles away) my mother and grandmother both dying -- that my mother has a situation medically it can be corrected but due to her own stubbornness and narcissism she will not submit herself to medical protocols which on some level makes me feel very unloved.

My grandmother on the other hand has lived her 94 years and simply wants to go home as she says and be with my grandfather -- I don't take from her this wish but when her time here is over however and I no longer have her in my life it will be very hard as she's been my single salvation in this world.

Though I have hundreds of letters and cards and gifts from patients I feel so alone and so isolated in this world. I have worked it out so that I work 14 to 16 hours a day go home and sleep get up and go back to work again. Thats it folks that is my life -- no movie no vacation no friends that is what my life is right now.

Besides my best friend who is 300 miles where I have no one in my life when people ask on how I am doing I have a very keen psychological way of turning the conversation back upon themselves and not allowing any one close to me

I am clearly not here in this room as a physician or medical caregiver.I am here is a patient in a person who desperately needs help I realize if I don't do something now I'm going to die - no drama it is true fact.

I have been over a sober for over plus 24 years and seems like I have failed in that in that I have only switched addictions from drinking heavily to morbid obese - eating out of control.

I feel I am too old to even begin agian and am in a prison.

I was in a relationship over 10 years ago and was left because of my inability in all honesty to take care myself.

At one time I was in great shape and and now find myself not able to look in a mirror

They say that happiness is an inside job however it seems that no where is it to be found in me -- god dont make junk but maybe he made a mistake here -- I am really a good guy but in a strugggle that is what I feel is a last ditch effort in my life and very scared that it won't work.

I feel so ugly and unwanted-I'm sure I sound like a psycho case here however no one would know --. I carry myself well, supervised 10 people, administrating office it that does over $500,000 a year and find myself drowning behind a façade that nobody knows who I am or that I exist -- many times including me.

I hope that somebody as you read this can relate I would like to hear what banding has done for you in your life -- how you dealt with her fears of treatment preop -- has it affected your relationships not only with yourself but as well as other people and do you like or love yourself more --

I am sorry this is taken for long but does somewhat feel-good to get out even if it is an anonymous form -- it is not in the closet of fat I have kept it in --

Thanks

Marc

Hi Marc....I don't know what to say; everyone has summed it up quite nicely.

We can all feel your pain, sorrow and lonliness to some extent or another. We are all here for our own reasons and feel this was the best choice for us.

I just want to say WELCOME and keep your spirits up. You live is about to begin again!!

((((((HUGS))))))

Psalm 121

(ESV)

I lift up my eyes to the hills.

From where does my help come?

My help comes from the LORD,

who made heaven and earth.

He will not let your foot be moved;

he who keeps you will not slumber.

Behold, he who keeps Isreal

will neither slumber nor sleep.

The LORD is your keeper,

the LORD is your shade on your right hand.

The sun shall not strike you by day,

nor the moon by night.

The LORD will keep you from all evil;

he will keep your life.

The LORD will keep your going out and your coming in

from this time forth and forevermore.

"I look unto the hills whence cometh my help ...." Psalms

Just in case you wanted the rest of it, and needed to know which chapter. God bless you!

Wow Marc, what a moving post.

I think I can relate to the facade you mention. I think it's common for those of us with weight problems. In my case, it's been thinking that I don't have a "right" to be upset or have problems with my weight, I mean after all I did it to myself, right? I could fix it if I really wanted to, right? My mom has asked more then once if she did something wrong, that made me be heavy. Which contributed to my thoughts that all I struggled with in my body was someone's fault. Mine.

At least that's how I felt for a long time. I've began to realize that I have a medical issue. How I got here is only interesting in how it can teach me to leave. I'm getting treatment.

I've found this board to be a huge support. I've learned a lot from reading here.

Marc, here is a big ole fat girl hug for ya. Glad you are here, and glad you will keep reading. I felt a lot like you in some ways before I found this place. And I want to tell you nothing has made me feel more loved and cared for than this board. I hope that you find and make great friends here that can experience this with you. I know I am one of them. I was recently banded in Mexico. You will be fine, you will be banded, and you will have a leg up on fighting this addiction to food. Be sure that you continue to seek therapy for the addiciton. Being sober for all those years means you know the basics. "God doesn't give you anything you can't handle" and "One day at a time" are my two montras that get me through each and every day with this struggle.

Good luck to you, cheer up, and lets see you post more. Get involved. It really does make a difference.

Hi, Marc~

It's amazing how so many of us look fine from the outside and can be crumbling on the inside, isn't it? I think it takes great courage to put yourself out there and say what you have said. You've found a warm and nuturing place where we all support and care for one another thru our differences and similarities. This forum has been such a blessing to me, and I know it will be for you, too. The lap band is what brought us together, but we share more than just that topic.

Sending a hug...we're glad you're here!

Emily

Marc--

God truly loves you and made you for a purpose!!!! You are doing so much in your gifting and helping those around you!!! Don't ever diminish how important you are--especially with the Lord!!!

My confidence has rose w/ the weight loss....so has my energy!! I love the new banded life!! It's teh best, healthiest thing I've done for myself!!

I'm praying for your peace!!!!

God Bless,

Melody

Banded 3/20/06-65lbs

Dear Marc,

Your post is so eloquent, it made my heart ache. And wow, the replies! I feel so blessed to be here, and I'm so glad you're here, too.

I'm a 59-year-old RN and I can really relate to what you wrote. As a teenager, I copied a poem that captured the way I've felt all these years. I don't recall most of it, but it ends "...and you yourself are your jail walking."

It has taken me many, many years to break out of that jail. I grew up in a family marred by domestic violence. All my sibs are either alcoholic, drug addicts, morbidly obese, or dead from violence. I learned early on to wear a mask and never let anyone see how much I was hurting inside. I became a superachiever too, published and well known in my field. And all the time, I knew something was terribly, terribly wrong.

It turned out to be childhood sexual trauma. With the help of a gifted therapist, I worked through that and the resulting PTSD. I've struggled for years with major depression, and other medical problems. For many years, I looked forward to death with a sense of relief, because life just seemed too hard to live.

Why am I telling you all this? Because I want you to know you're not alone and there is help for the way you feel. A loving support group is a great place to start dismantling the mask, and I so admire you for starting.

What has helped me the most over the years has been letting those who were safe to "come out" around, to see the real me bit by bit; therapy; and antidepressant medication. Today I feel that life is worth living. I've always been compassionate to others -- it's one of my strengths -- and now I've learned to be compassionate to myself.

Marc, would you consider getting evaluated for depression? I think you may be depressed, which makes perfect sense, and medication can be incredibly effective in helping you get out from under the sense of despair. And what about therapy? That might really help, too.

I will hold you in my heart. Stay in touch,

NancyRN

Marc, welcome!

I hope that you are able to find the support here that you need!!

*hugs*

Marc ~

Just from reading your post I could sense what a special man you are. I am sure you are loved beyond measure by many. So much of what you shared has nothing to do with gender, race or sexual orientation. It's what all obese people come to right before they are ready to really do something about it. I spent my last week pre-surgery feeling some really deep things and having some big emotional meltdowns due to the fact that I was so tired of "carrying" this weight. Not just the pounds...but the hurt, humiliation, dissapointments of prom dresses not worn, and family hikes I opted out of and basically the fact that I sat out on life. Do this for yourself...you won't regret it. Dr. Kuri did the surgery for me and my best friend and we had a phenominal experience. Definitely do your research but don't doubt for a second that you are so worth doing this for and every pound you lose you will find a little more of yourself. I am so glad that you found this site. You will be supported, heard, understood, answered and most certainly welcome!!!! (((((HUGS)))))

Hi Marc, I just wanted to welcome you to your new home, to your new family.

I don't know how easy your journey will be. Some of us ave a very easy and fast journey, while others of us move so slowly we seem to be going backwards.

It sounds to me like you are out of balance with your life. You spoke of very long work days, with now down time. This is not healthy for anyone, not for you and not for the ones in your care. The one and only resolution that I make every year is to find balance in my life. I make it every year, and I expect that I will continue to make it my resolution every year.

So many of us use our weight and size as a way to keep others out, to keep us safe. I know that once we begin to stand naked, stripped bare of our walls, our shells, our armor we face a whole host of other issues. I know that when I finally agreed to get banded I felt like such a failure, that I couldn't do it on my own, that I was somehow unworthy. I know that my husband felt the same way, and I know that others have also voiced similar thoughts and feelings. Especially since being over weight, to whatever degree, is viewed as a moral failing, not just a medical condition.

So many people have been so successful with their bands, here's hoping you are a rabbit and not a Turtle!

Hi Marc,

Your post really touched me. We all have demons that just don't seem to go away. Just know that you are at the right place. We all have the demon of weight in common and with the support and friendship that you will find here, we can conquer the demons together. Hang in there and trust me, you won't regret your future!

Marc, HELLO and WELCOME !!!

This is a great place. So many people here are great at expressing themselves - I'm not one of 'em. lol But, please visit us often and let us know how you are doing. I was also self pay and worried that I might just be throwing money away. Even tho' I'm a new bandster, this is the best thing I have done for me. Take a big deep breath and know that you have lots of friends here.

((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))

Terry :eek:

Hi Marc, I'm very new here (as of today), don't have much to say

that the others haven't already said.

I just wanted to give you a hug.

Adversity introduces you...to yourself.

Where you go from there is up to you.

You can do it.