Hello

My name is Marc and the first thing I want to say is I am terrified.

I am a 51 and also a gay man who is single and feels sometimes in a double world -- in the idea with the prejudice of being overweight in traditional society but as well in a gay community being fat is certainly not admired and totally looked down upon in a disgusting way moreso than straight society

I'm having surgery on August 31 by Dr. Ortiz in Mexico. No one in this world with the exception of my therapist and my best friend knows I'm going to do this. I have no idea what to say after ward but I am sure I will find something -- any ideas would be great.

Sometimes having a little bit of medical knowledge is not good. I constantly think of slippage errosion and various banding failure/ or complications in the operating room.

I have heard both good and not so good about Dr. Ortiz as well as of the other surgeons in Mexico. However everyone in medicine has patients who for whatever reason have not been pleased-- so far I am still ok with him as the surgeon.

I'm going to be self-pay and terrified if I have a complication once back here in the states that I will the up a creak without a paddle.

I will be followed by Dr. Ren whose a surgeon here in New York in regards to fills.

I look in my hands as I am typing this --these hands haved welcomed hundreds of babies into his world over the years and as well comforted and touched many who were leaving this world. --They are the same hands that are killing myself with my overeating and the hands that when I touch my own body I feel a disgust and repulsion.

Things in an extremely stressful as in my family (who is 300 miles away) my mother and grandmother both dying -- that my mother has a situation medically it can be corrected but due to her own stubbornness and narcissism she will not submit herself to medical protocols which on some level makes me feel very unloved.

My grandmother on the other hand has lived her 94 years and simply wants to go home as she says and be with my grandfather -- I don't take from her this wish but when her time here is over however and I no longer have her in my life it will be very hard as she's been my single salvation in this world.

Though I have hundreds of letters and cards and gifts from patients I feel so alone and so isolated in this world. I have worked it out so that I work 14 to 16 hours a day go home and sleep get up and go back to work again. Thats it folks that is my life -- no movie no vacation no friends that is what my life is right now.

Besides my best friend who is 300 miles where I have no one in my life when people ask on how I am doing I have a very keen psychological way of turning the conversation back upon themselves and not allowing any one close to me

I am clearly not here in this room as a physician or medical caregiver.I am here is a patient in a person who desperately needs help I realize if I don't do something now I'm going to die - no drama it is true fact.

I have been over a sober for over plus 24 years and seems like I have failed in that in that I have only switched addictions from drinking heavily to morbid obese - eating out of control.

I feel I am too old to even begin agian and am in a prison.

I was in a relationship over 10 years ago and was left because of my inability in all honesty to take care myself.

At one time I was in great shape and and now find myself not able to look in a mirror

They say that happiness is an inside job however it seems that no where is it to be found in me -- god dont make junk but maybe he made a mistake here -- I am really a good guy but in a strugggle that is what I feel is a last ditch effort in my life and very scared that it won't work.

I feel so ugly and unwanted-I'm sure I sound like a psycho case here however no one would know --. I carry myself well, supervised 10 people, administrating office it that does over $500,000 a year and find myself drowning behind a façade that nobody knows who I am or that I exist -- many times including me.

I hope that somebody as you read this can relate I would like to hear what banding has done for you in your life -- how you dealt with her fears of treatment preop -- has it affected your relationships not only with yourself but as well as other people and do you like or love yourself more --

I am sorry this is taken for long but does somewhat feel-good to get out even if it is an anonymous form -- it is not in the closet of fat I have kept it in --

Thanks

Marc

Marc, I am just seeing this thread for the first time. I believe that you now understand what a wonderful and caring place you have found here.

I hope you are proceeding with surgery and getting ready to lose the weight. This journey is not just a weight loss surgery but since the band is a tool, it forces you to use the tool to be successful. That helps you learn balance too.

I am not in health care but I have frequently worked long, long days, slept a couple of hours and went back to work - for weeks on end. I used to love to exercise before I slept because I had to write it down or I would forget that I even exercised (cuz I was so tired). Looking back, that is a sad state to be in. But even then, I planned vacations. Since I couldn't really get away ffrom it all closeby, I usually left the country. Now, I am getting away from work stress by returning to the US for holiday.

Use this journey to become the person you want to be. One of my best friends (who has worked internationally for years) told me that every time you move or make a major change in your life, you can remake yourself and act like the person you want to be. That includes eating.

Marc, I truly hope you have a safe and successful journey into bandland. It has been the most rewarding and inspiring journey I have taken. Without learning to control my eating, I could not have taken the risks I am today - hey, I'm living in Africa, working as a contractor (no stable employment), and struggling to find band friendly foods but I am on the greatest journey. Keep us updated and God bless. Celeste

Marc,

I am reading this for the first time and I think there are people here in the lapband community who feel the same as you.. at least in different aspects. I lost my Dad 3 years ago to complications from Diabetes and I was diagnosed at age 27 just like he was. I watched him die for 7 years. Losing his sight, losing his ability to walk, losing his kidney function and then finally losing his life. He was only 61. That is when I decided to not follow the path he did.. I decided to close the chapters of my life (divorce, failed relationships etc) and start fresh. I literally did some visualization exercises where I closed the book! lol

This site has helped me so much! In the planning stages, the pre op diet, my surgery and now the weight loss phase. There are so many loving, caring, educated and helpful people on here. I am so glad I found this site!

Regardless of your circumstances, we are all here for you. And I don't know if you are religious or not but I am a christian and I was taught to love everyone! Short, tall, fat, skinny, gay, straight, male, female.

You are making a fantastic first step and my prayers and thoughts are with you!

DonnaMarie

You have expressed exactly how I felt about my life, the desperation and the self loathing. But only after three months being banded I have a new perspective and hope. Oh, sometimes I get depressed, frustrated or unhappy but it's much less than before because the hope is there. Please keep sharing with us as we can all relate, we all have the same heart hurts and the same years of struggling.