"I know how it feels to distract others by making them laugh and the whole time crying inside and hope like hell no one can see it. It tears me apart to see you going through this. If you ever need to talk I'm a phone call away or feel free to send me a msg here, either way, please don't let it eat at you for too long...it's a deep dark place you're headed toward and I worry for you."

A darling, concerned person named Renee wrote this to me on another thread. I was surprised. I had to think about this; am I headed to a deep dark place? Maybe. The thing is no one has seen the deep dark place I was in before.

If you knew all the shit I've been through in the past five years- and I was almost going to say two because those were really the worst -- you'd probably be amazed I was still walking aorund forming words and paying bills. But I don't think it's just me -- I think anyone who is near three hundred pounds, four, or five -- well this is not a happy circumstance for anyone. How cheerful can you be when your appetite turns on itself and starts eating you?

Personally, before this surgery I was almost three hundred pounds, on my last marriage, without any family and basically, I think, I was trying to die. Or at least I did not want to *be* here; consciousness was just too tiring and painful.

Then I realized it was not going to work.

Or at least, not in a timeframe I was really comfortable with.

Every single person with an extreme weight problem has a painful story to tell. How their bodies betrayed them or their lives did, or their support system blew up one day when they were seven or eighteen or fifty -- every single one of us has that kind of thing going on and some of us, I guess walk around with waves of pain rolling off our bodies like steam off a radiator. And here's a tip; if you eat enough you can cover that up and redirect peoples' attention to that instead.

I guess. I mean I should probably say that every human being has a painful story to tell whether they have an extreme weight problem or not. Overeating might be a way to manage that pain. Maybe.

Maybe. As a person pretty much saturated with fat consciousness I've read all these books, heard thousands of metaphysical, psychological dramas. For some reason one day I was thinking about this episode of a very old tv show called the Professor and the Nanny. Ever notice how many Magic Nannies have been on TV? When I was a kid I didn't think too much about it but I watched a lot of TV and so some of these life observations and smalltime miracles kind of stayed in my head and looped into my childhood consciousness. This is what I got instead of math and science and money management.

This is the theme song from the Nanny and the Professor:

Soft and sweet

Wise and wonderful

Oooh our mystical, magical nanny.

Since the day that nanny came to stay with us

Fantastic things keep happening.

Is there really magic in the things she does

Or is love the only magic thing that nanny brings

You know our nanny showed us you can make the impossible happen.

Nanny told us have a little faith and lots of love

Phoebe Figalilly is a silly name

And so many silly things keep happening

What is this magic thing about nanny

Is it Love? Or is it Magic?

Nodnod. Yeah. Anyway one episode the Nanny was upset because she thought she was gaining weight. There was all this light comedy surrounding the Nanny getting fat and then somehow she manages to go on a date and go for a walk in the park and eat some ice cream. And she loses the five pounds or whatevever. And then she winds up the show saying, " I know how you solve a weight problem! Happiness!" or something like this. And I remembered it because I was seven at the tim and the Nanny had demonstrated how to conquer her problem. Ice cream and theme music. This is the kind of metaphysical crap people have been upsetting themselves with for years inside this topic.

It's not that i think that unhappiness is better than happiness or that people don't have weight problems rooted in their bad childhoods or traumatic love affairs or whatever, but take someone like Geneen Roth, who brings women on these retreats to teach them how to love God instead of a salami sandwhich. Fat in her opinion is a spiritual flaw. Or its a psychological flaw. So, dutiful and concerned as we are, we go through all this self-excavation, praying fervently, deeply wishing to know what is wrong with us, and we go to the therapist and we pay these fake weight loss priests to help us and at the end of all this, where are we?

Fucked up in the head is what I think. Just fucked up, I mean if you spend forty years in a state of severe anxiety over food, eating, and the condition of your body; convinced you have a "problem" that separates you from the rest of humanity; obsessed and freaked out every minute by your relationship to the scale -- how can a person *not* be?

So my point here is I have had kind of a shitty life. I am also so totally not the only one. But my decision to get WLS was more a statement that said: "Fine. But I'm not gonna be FAT." I'm not going to buy all that stuff right now, which may be perfectly viable stuff, it's just not practical. If I had to develop true happiness and and complete self-actualization *before* I lost a hundred pounds I'm not sure if it would ever happen.So forget it, my life is terminally screwed, I am 46 and at the end of my third marriage, my kids are grown and out of the house and I have no idea what I';m even still doing here but goddammit I lost 30 pounds this month.

To me the decision to do this was a decision to live. It's depressing to be me I guess but then I don't know you, it might also be hideously depressing to be you.

But there's one thing I do know if your stuff is as bad as my stuff: you are not suicidal. You're still fighting like hell.

That post, while heartfelt, should have went Privately to crosswind. Not to be rude, but it's really nobody's business other than hers, as she felt upset. It's like you're trying to own the thread....sorry to sound rude.

I like the depth and honesty of this thread, and I don't think anything posted here has been inappropriate. I have found it cathartic and touching.

I completely agree, Swizzly. This thread has been thoughtful, honest, moving, and helpful like no other I have yet read. I hope it becomes a trend... in which case I'm sure to end up in the ranks of "vst addict" too! Thanks to all of you for sharing so openly. It means so much.

ybnormal, I am sorry for the pain and loss in your life just like I'm hella sorry for mine. My point is really that the vsg is a great surgery for weight loss but it sucks for dead relatives, rotten financial decisions, lost romantic opportunities, homelessness and unfortunate decor. All it does is stop you from eating too much.

I think, though, everbody kind of wants to tell the story of how they got fat. "The story of how I got fat, " is always just a f**king abysmal story. It's a true story, but it's *awful* -- usually -- unless there is a pregnancy involved or you're from one of those African tribes that pay many many goats for a really chunky bride.

Now I could tell you my story which involves a dying relative, career detonation and being wrongfully chased across the US by the FBI ( no, really) but personally -- and I don't mean this to make your story irrelevant -- or *anyone's* -- but I am not sure if it's relevant to the problem of being overweight. It might have contributed to the story of how you got fat, But it might not be helpful at all in getting rid of the problem. I wonder sometimes if that's part of the issue here. I mean is your life *really* so bad that you gained a hundred pounds or could you have actually had a very shitty life or a very marvelous, Oprah-type life and gotten fat anyway?

What I'm trying to say is that I suspect attaching "the story" to being overweight is an unhealthy practice emotionally. It takes all your failings, losses, miseries, bad decisions, abuses, and karmic unfairness and slaps them on your thighs. That's a lot of misery for one pair of thighs to manage, you know? The truth of the matter is that none of those things are in fact on your thighs; what's there is thousands of excess calories. Our surgeons are not treating General Life Suckitude, they are treating a medical problem: obesity. If we all go on afterwards to win the Nobel prize or learn to resurrect lost relatives, well then, rejoice therefore, But it's not really within the scope of treatment here.

I should also say that recovery from surgery tends to be a sort of introspective, Proustian period wherein lots of drugs are draining from your system and your internal organs are learning to operate on an alternate channel. This can really take a toll on your emotions. I'm reading people here who leapt out of bed and started doing the Safety Dance but mostly, I'm reading people like me who are already evincing co-morbidities, who have been comforting themselves with carb overloads for a fair number of years, who do not feel all that f**king well thanks because they just had majory surgery. They don't usually sound so thrilled with life frankly until a bit later.

So my other point is, I don't think I am personally any more challenged or melancholic than anybody else. My life is not *particularly* shitty. One problem I had is going to clear up over the next year, who knows what's going to come up next but the vsg is not going to help it.

The good news is this is the internet and my toes are safe .

WOW. Thank you so much for being courageous enough to not only admit all of this to yourself but for sharing it with the rest of us who have the SAME struggles. With tears in my eyes.... THANK YOU.

Kim

I shared with everyone not to make anyone feel sorry for me or to say that's why I got fat, I shared to let you all know we're all in the same boat, and it should be a safe one.

I'll just quietly go away now. Seriously, I apologize for thread stealing and sharing. I would have done it sooner, but I was out of town. It's taken care of.

Obesity is very hard to treat because it can involve genetics, other biological factors, psychological issues, and environmental factors. Often it is a combination of factors. We are so lucky that bariatric specialists know this now. So many doctors many of us have gone to in the past who moralistically told us it was simply a matter of self-discipline, inadvertently setting us up for continued failure. This is a gift.

Obesity is very hard to treat because it can involve genetics, other biological factors, psychological issues, and environmental factors. Often it is a combination of factors. We are so lucky that bariatric specialists know this now. So many doctors many of us have gone to in the past who moralistically told us it was simply a matter of self-discipline, inadvertently setting us up for continued failure. This is a gift.

Absolutely Roseib.

ybnormal, I am sorry for the pain and loss in your life just like I'm hella sorry for mine. My point is really that the vsg is a great surgery for weight loss but it sucks for dead relatives, rotten financial decisions, lost romantic opportunities, homelessness and unfortunate decor. All it does is stop you from eating too much.

I think, though, everbody kind of wants to tell the story of how they got fat. "The story of how I got fat, " is always just a f**king abysmal story. It's a true story, but it's *awful* -- usually -- unless there is a pregnancy involved or you're from one of those African tribes that pay many many goats for a really chunky bride.

Now I could tell you my story which involves a dying relative, career detonation and being wrongfully chased across the US by the FBI ( no, really) but personally -- and I don't mean this to make your story irrelevant -- or *anyone's* -- but I am not sure if it's relevant to the problem of being overweight. It might have contributed to the story of how you got fat, But it might not be helpful at all in getting rid of the problem. I wonder sometimes if that's part of the issue here. I mean is your life *really* so bad that you gained a hundred pounds or could you have actually had a very shitty life or a very marvelous, Oprah-type life and gotten fat anyway?

What I'm trying to say is that I suspect attaching "the story" to being overweight is an unhealthy practice emotionally. It takes all your failings, losses, miseries, bad decisions, abuses, and karmic unfairness and slaps them on your thighs. That's a lot of misery for one pair of thighs to manage, you know? The truth of the matter is that none of those things are in fact on your thighs; what's there is thousands of excess calories. Our surgeons are not treating General Life Suckitude, they are treating a medical problem: obesity. If we all go on afterwards to win the Nobel prize or learn to resurrect lost relatives, well then, rejoice therefore, But it's not really within the scope of treatment here.

I should also say that recovery from surgery tends to be a sort of introspective, Proustian period wherein lots of drugs are draining from your system and your internal organs are learning to operate on an alternate channel. This can really take a toll on your emotions. I'm reading people here who leapt out of bed and started doing the Safety Dance but mostly, I'm reading people like me who are already evincing co-morbidities, who have been comforting themselves with carb overloads for a fair number of years, who do not feel all that f**king well thanks because they just had majory surgery. They don't usually sound so thrilled with life frankly until a bit later.

So my other point is, I don't think I am personally any more challenged or melancholic than anybody else. My life is not *particularly* shitty. One problem I had is going to clear up over the next year, who knows what's going to come up next but the vsg is not going to help it.

The good news is this is the internet and my toes are safe .

Crosswind:

I love your posts, your insight, your humor and your intelligence. I find you (through these posts) to be a thoughtful, thought-provoking incredibly intelligent and articulate woman. I consider myself incredibly blessed to "know" you. Thank you for the raw honesty and frank brutality that come through when you pull the curtain away from that wonderful wizard of Oz. Sometimes he's so full o' shite messin' in our lives that being fat is really just a small detour off the shitskyway we sometimes know as life. It ain't a bed of roses, and if it is, it's still filled with LOTS of manure (compost) at any given time.

My best to you and my sincere hope that you will never stop posting. You have the ability to pull all the weird word activity swirling around in my mind and express it precisely, succinctly and, entertainingly. I look forward to your posts -- thinking about them reminds of the old Anita Bryant tv ad "a day without oj is like a day without sunshine" except for me it's "a day without a Crosswind post is a day without fresh air."

You go girl -- you rock!

E

I shared with everyone not to make anyone feel sorry for me or to say that's why I got fat, I shared to let you all know we're all in the same boat, and it should be a safe one.

I'll just quietly go away now. Seriously, I apologize for thread stealing and sharing. I would have done it sooner, but I was out of town. It's taken care of.

DUDE -- why did you delete?!?! Your stuff was great, and was an integral part of this awesome thread...?!? I wish you hadn't done that. What happened?

Crosswind:

I love your posts, your insight, your humor and your intelligence. I find you (through these posts) to be a thoughtful, thought-provoking incredibly intelligent and articulate woman. I consider myself incredibly blessed to "know" you. Thank you for the raw honesty and frank brutality that come through when you pull the curtain away from that wonderful wizard of Oz. Sometimes he's so full o' shite messin' in our lives that being fat is really just a small detour off the shitskyway we sometimes know as life. It ain't a bed of roses, and if it is, it's still filled with LOTS of manure (compost) at any given time.

My best to you and my sincere hope that you will never stop posting. You have the ability to pull all the weird word activity swirling around in my mind and express it precisely, succinctly and, entertainingly. I look forward to your posts -- thinking about them reminds of the old Anita Bryant tv ad "a day without oj is like a day without sunshine" except for me it's "a day without a Crosswind post is a day without fresh air."

You go girl -- you rock!

E

My goodness, thank you

Although I have to say for me it every once in a while it would be nice to have a day without Crosswind...

I didn't see the deleted stuff and I feel I am missing out somehow!

My goodness, thank you

Although I have to say for me it every once in a while it would be nice to have a day without Crosswind...

Isn't it really the TAILwind that gets to stinkin' up life for us?