So this is my first time posting on here. I've only told my fiancee (obviously) and one friend about my surgery (may 3rd). I KNOW my parents will flip out if they know. I don't want to tell them because I know they'll freak out. BUT, I don't want to lie to them and have my mom figure it out and find out I lied about it. What do I do? I have NO doubts about what I'm doing. It's just the judgement from my family I'm worried about. Any advice?

I would suggest playing it straight with them, let them flip out and just listen, and then stick to your guns. You are of age to make your own decisions, and as an adult can stand by your choices. Anyhow, they might surprise you with their response- mine often would.

Edited April 12, 201016 yr by AnneGG

As a mom...I would be so upset if I found out my son had done something as major as this and not told me.... They may flip out, if they do all you can do is try to educate them and make sure they realize that you have researched this and you know what you're doing and not just jumping in. I think most parents, once they're sure you know what you're getting in to, would support you in any way they could. Do what you need to do however as a mom, I'd want to know.

Good luck!

Thank you guys. I know that telling them is the right thing to do. But I'm terrified. Maybe I'll just tell my mom... haha.

I'm not sure how close you are with them, but I agree 100% with others that said you should tell them.

When you do it, you can make it clear that you are not asking their permission, or even seeking their approval, but rather you, with the full support of your fiancee, have made an important decision about your life and you want to share that with them.

Good luck!!!

kagead

So this is my first time posting on here. I've only told my fiancee (obviously) and one friend about my surgery (may 3rd). I KNOW my parents will flip out if they know. I don't want to tell them because I know they'll freak out. BUT, I don't want to lie to them and have my mom figure it out and find out I lied about it. What do I do? I have NO doubts about what I'm doing. It's just the judgement from my family I'm worried about. Any advice?

The truth is always the best. They might flip at first, but you need their support. If you have the courage to do something to change things for the better, they should support you. I don't think you should lie, just tell them. Good luck.

Thanks for the advice. I emailed my mom and she immediately responded and was really supportive. I feel soooo much better about everything.

I am glad to be of help. I have children your age and I always want the truth. You are doing a good thing for yourself!

I refuse to tell my dad. I will tell him after the surgery, most likely when I see him next in August. I really don't need his comments. I find them hypocritical or way off mark. He hates doctors and thinks everything can be done without ever seeing one. I don't think he will understand.

My parents freaked at first, I won't lie, it was ugly. But once we all calmed down (a few days later), I sat down with them and showed them the information on the surgery. I even had my surgeon give me an informative DVD that I watched with my parents. It helped alot and when they realized it wasn't embrassive or permanent it made them feel much better. Any parent who loves their child will worry, but I know that deep down they will support you as well. Good luck!

Thanks for the advice. I emailed my mom and she immediately responded and was really supportive. I feel soooo much better about everything.

I thought that my mom was going to flip out too & she was extremely supportive when I told her . . . she even told me that she would pay for it! :thumbup:

I always go to the other side of the issue. I do agree with the bandsters who point out that it's normal for a parent to be concerned and if your relationship with your parents is a normal healthy one, I'd be upfront and direct while remembering, you are now an adult and this is your choice and for your health.

On the other hand - if you had parents like mine - I'd keep it to yourself. There are plenty of parents who seem to think that their child is an extension of themselves rather than their own person. They try to live their child's life for them - in the process, attempting to right the mistakes they made in their own lives. These parents get angry at any decision their child makes that isn't approved by them in advance and when the child pushs forward with their own goals, desires, the push-back can be forceful and ugly. Refusing to speak to the offending party, brow-beating, manipulation via grandchildren...

So this is my first time posting on here. I've only told my fiancee (obviously) and one friend about my surgery (may 3rd). I KNOW my parents will flip out if they know. I don't want to tell them because I know they'll freak out. BUT, I don't want to lie to them and have my mom figure it out and find out I lied about it. What do I do? I have NO doubts about what I'm doing. It's just the judgement from my family I'm worried about. Any advice?

Bottom line - it's not your parents' business and you don't "owe" them an explanation.

This is YOUR journey and YOUR life - you are entitled to make the choices that you want and you don't need approval from anyone...other than YOU.

I have manipulative parents, but I still told them, sort of!

OP I am glad you shared with your parents.

I see it from both sides, as a child and as the parent of an adult child.

I shared what I was doing from the onset with my mother. She was cold about the idea and kept telling me the "all's you got to do is..." Well, I stood strong and stated I have done all of that only to gain it back, shared that my PC was supportive of the idea for me and said I was going to learn all I could and then make my decision. When I went to the psych she asked questions, waiting for blame--I decided not to share every little detail with her, just things like "wow I thought I was feeding my family nutritious foods, but I learned that I am just giving them calories (lots of processed things, canned, etc.)" I began the journey with the suggestion from my surgeon, psych and Nut to try South Beach and see if it was doable. It became our family lifestyle. DH had 40 pounds to lose and he did with the foods I cooked using the recipes and whole foods. DD dropped 20, she has more to go, but is losing it slowly, DS is not on board he is 18 and knows everything :thumbup:.

I told my mom only positive things I thought could help he serve better healthier things to herself, my dad and the grandkids. I share recipes and she has done a lot of the things as well. I deal with my issues by myself and only share the positive. I did tell her I was going to go through with the surgery, but I did not tell her when it was. She stopped over a day or two after surgery and just said oh you got it done. I said yes, and learned she had not shared any info withmy dad, so I spent time explaining to him. Once I shared that my BMI was over 50 it was very easy to get support from him--now he is very understanding and supportive and asks every time I see him if I am keeping up with my exercise!

Wow that was long, sorry! Bottom line, I think that telling is important, but not letting anyone else influence your decision is important as well. You may be surprised to learn they will be supportive.

This is a very personal issue and I was not seeking anyone's approval - especially my parents. My husband and I discussed it, decided, and did not share my decision with anyone until after the surgery. I was not seeking their unprofessional counseling (lecturing) only their support and therefore, we did not share my experience with all the parents until after the surgery and face-to-face. I feel like my parents supported me with my decision and I guess that they saw that their counseling, ideas, suggestions were all unwanted. I started off by saying, "this is a very personal situation" and went on from there.

I'm so glad you told them!!!

Sorry to bring a morbid tone into the conversation, but there are other considerations to telling or not telling parents about surgery in this particular case.

The OP is young and engaged, not married. If G-d forbid a million times something horrible happened, who would have a say about her treatment or care if she could not? Her parents or her fiancee? In many states her fiancee would have no rights at all. Also, how would her fiancee deal with telling her parents she went for surgery without telling them?

Like I said, I know this is morbid but my family has a long history of health issues and hospitalizations. After learning a very hard lesson, we all have living wills and powers of attorney so our wishes are clear in case of an emergency. Most young people do NOT have these provisions and they should be taken into account.

FWIW, I am single with no children. My mom will make any decisions for me should it come to that. The hospital already has copies of those documents on file for me in anticipation of my surgery.

Again, I sincerely apologize for bringing things "down", but this is something I feel strongly about.

kagead