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I haven't been around much since I had surgery. The site went nuts and wouldn't load properly for the "formative months" after surgery, so I kinda quit coming around. But I find myself really needing to connect with you guys on the maintenance issues these days. I hope you'll have me back. Before surgery, I was not a dieter. Diets clearly weren’t working for anyone else, not in the long-term, so I didn’t really bother with any certain plan. Instead, I exercised and tried to be aware of what I ate. Clearly, that didn’t work for me. I ended up, at my highest weight, at about 235 pounds on a 5’1” medium frame. On a recent Disney World vacation my hips, back, and feet hurt so much that the thought of going back made it clear that either I had to lose the weight or I’d be one of those people on the motorized scooters at the ripe old age of 34. The greatest gift of this surgery was the clear guidelines and the months following surgery in which, while unable to eat as I used to, I changed my approach to eating and understood that I can manage to eat anything I want, just not everything that I want. I recently celebrated my 1-year anniversary. In that year, I lost 100 pounds, with my lowest weight being 134.4. The upsides of surgery are undeniable and I have no regrets. This was the verry best decision I ever made for myself. I’m a bit of an introvert and misanthrope, but I find myself jubilant for days when I get some appreciative attention. No one has flirted with me for years and it feels great. I have become a bit of a clothes horse (LOL) and have a great time shopping and dressing, things I never cared about in the past. I generally just feel a whole lot better about myself and the world, I find. But learning to maintain my new habits, my outlook, my motivation, that is where I find myself struggling. I’ve noticed since I made it into the 130 pound range that eating has gotten noticeably harder. It could be timing, my weight, my body’s adjustment, my mental state, or any combination of factors. But suddenly I find myself in a place where my past handle on controlling my eating has become completely unhinged. I’ve tried the “let’s just get back to basics” approach a few times and then found myself right back to the bad habits. So, what are these basics and the bad habits? Here is the score: Daily 60-70 grams of protein daily – easy, peasy without fail 64 oz of water – I think I’ve been pretty good here, but I recently began to really push water I hopes that it might solve some hunger issues. Weekends are my only big concern and I’m actively working on it. 2 Bariatric Fusion multi-vitamins daily – like clockwork I exercise (cardio, strength, and core) 3 times a week without fail, shooting for a 500 calorie burn each time. I also use my heart rate monitor when I walk the dog and track what calories I burn. I track my food, even my crazy binge eating days, every day on myfitnesspal.com and my food diary is open to my friends. I’m “HeatherTakesCharge” if anyone wants to find me. I am still trying to lose, so I try to keep my net daily calories (after exercise calories burned) to 800-1000. I find myself well over 2000 calories too often. My ultimate goal is 125 pounds, though I’m not overly concerned with it. As long as I’m not going up, I’m pretty happy. My biggest scare happened last week. I woke up one morning and found my weight above 140. Something has to change. My blood work, taken every 3 months since surgery, has been perfect. No issues. I can comfortably eat a HUGE amount of food compared to the limited number of bites I read many of you saying. My restriction is definitely there, but not like I’d hoped. I’d love to go back to the days when I could only eat a handful of bites at a time. I feel physical hunger pangs as well as dealing with head hunger. For the first 6 months, I could easily eat a piece of candy and satisfy my sweet monster. Now, even thinking about eating something sweet sends me into a monster craving to which I too often give in and in a ridiculous, binge eating way. It is SO scary. I swore I’d never eat like that again, yet here I am. I have intense acid reflux without medication, but my prescription Prilosec controls it well as long as I don not forget to take it. I battle reactive hypoglycemia occasionally. If I get a handle on it quickly, I can recover. But sometimes it just ruins my day, both calories-wise and by making me feel ill for an extended period. My food intake during the day is usually exemplary. It is the time I am at home when I make the very worst choices. My partner is fighting some insecurity and self-esteem issues, leading to what I consider deliberate attempts to sabotage my eating. Her answer is, “You did this to yourself. I’ll do what I want. You make your own choices.” Therefore, at least at home, I am unable to keep out the foods that I find most damaging. And she is the primary cook. I try to make my own dinner sometimes, but if I do it constantly, this also becomes a point of contention. Her choice of meals or places to eat out NEVER consider how it will impact my diet. The sabotage extends to the gym as well, with at least one melt-down a month about how my trips to the gym are ruining her life. Seriously. But that is a whole different issue, I know. I’ve dealt with the relationship issues successfully in the early months, so I know I can continue. But it is simply one more strain on the bigger picture, you know? So that is it. My head isn’t in the game any longer. I feel myself becoming more and more depressed and fearful that I’ll slip into that old “I’ll eat what I want” person who can not find the motivation to get back on track.