Bullwinkle

I contacted the surgeon's office the other day, wanting to get the ball rolling, and was told that they are awaiting the results from my psyche exam. Called that doctor and he said to come see him to discuss the results, and then he'd fax them to my band doctor. So, I have an appointment tomorrow at 2:00pm to see him. I received my new insurance card in the mail, and I am effective 01-01-07. As soon as I pay the $300 program fee, and they have the psyche results, they'll submit me to insurance on 01-02-07. That's only 11 days from now! Can't wait! And it's been tough, but today makes 4 weeks and 3 days smoke-free. Yay!

Wow. Really? You buy his cigarettes -- contributing to his addiction -- but you won't take care of him if (and when) he gets sick? Wow. That's just cold.

GASP! My journal was on Page Two! Whoa. Took me a few moments to find the sucker. Well, folks, I got my psychiatric evaluation done -- finally. The shrink I chose was one of four recommended by Dr. Curry, and I chose him because he is in my health insurance network. Anyhow.......long story short, three visits later -- yep, you heard me correctly --- THREE VISITS LATER, my time with Dr. T. is finished (I hope). The first visit, he asked me a ton of questions. The second visit, I took a test with a Number 2 pencil, and filled in the circles (like in elementary school). It was a personality test named MMPI. There were over 500 questions. Gah! Anyhow, when I got home and because I'm the Queen of online searches, I found that the test I took is called the Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory, lovingly referred to in the Psychiatric circles as the MMPI-2, containing 567 questions. The third visit, I got to take yet ANOTHER Number 2 pencil test, but it was much shorter. Dr. T. said he'd send my results to Dr. Curry. I contacted Dr. Curry's office today, asking the next step in this process, and was told that they are simply awaiting the test results, my program fee of $300, and they will submit to insurance on January 3rd -- the day after I pay the program fee. Onward....... Oh....wait.......today makes three weeks that I'm smoke-free. YAY!

GASP! My journal was on Page Two! Whoa. Took me a few moments to find the sucker. Well, folks, I got my psychiatric evaluation done -- finally. The shrink I chose was one of four recommended by Dr. Curry, and I chose him because he is in my health insurance network. Anyhow.......long story short, three visits later -- yep, you heard me correctly --- THREE VISITS LATER, my time with Dr. T. is finished (I hope). The first visit, he asked me a ton of questions. The second visit, I took a test with a Number 2 pencil, and filled in the circles (like in elementary school). It was a personality test named MMPI. There were over 500 questions. Gah! Anyhow, when I got home and because I'm the Queen of online searches, I found that the test I took is called the Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory, lovingly referred to in the Psychiatric circles as the MMPI-2, containing 567 questions. The third visit, I got to take yet ANOTHER Number 2 pencil test, but it was much shorter. Dr. T. said he'd send my results to Dr. Curry. I contacted Dr. Curry's office today, asking the next step in this process, and was told that they are simply awaiting the test results, my program fee of $300, and they will submit to insurance on January 3rd -- the day after I pay the program fee. Onward....... Oh....wait.......today makes three weeks that I'm smoke-free. YAY!

I, too, am in Cincinnati. I didn't even ask my doctor his opinion. I looked up Dr. Trace Curry, found that he was in my network, and made an appointment to see him. He mentioned that he'd send a letter to my doctor that I'm going to do this, but I really see that it's none of his business. It may be that some folks HAVE to have a letter from their doctor in order to be approved with insurance, I dunno.

Yeah, I'm not a smoker. And, yeah......I still have a problem with this. It's a control issue to my way of thinking. And just as much as I abhor censorship of any kind, it rankles me to know that the government can tell me what I can and can't do on my own property. Or any property owner, for that matter -- be it a private citizen or a business owner. I'm not asking you to agree with me. In fact, I'm not asking anything. I just wanted to throw the topic out there to read commentary about it. So, thanks, everyone.

NOT her choice. The business has been in her home for over 20 years. The law took effect an hour and 15 minutes ago.

Also......... A guy is driving in a company truck in Michigan -- and his company is based in Michigan -- and he is driving south, smoking a cigarette or cigar. As SOON as he hits that Ohio border, by law, he MUST extinguish that cigarette because he's driving a company vehicle and, according to Ohio law, you cannot smoke in a company vehicle in Ohio. Again, I find something wrong with that because it's a MICHIGAN company vehicle. I just think this has gone too far.

Just to illustrate the ramifications of this law: A lady runs a small business from her home, babysitting four kids while their parents work. She smokes, but never smokes in her home. Ever. She always steps outside on her back deck. As of tomorrow, she will be breaking the law if she smokes on that back deck. She has to be so many feet from the building. By law, a designated smoking area has to be set up and clearly marked. Further, she must post a state-mandated "NO SMOKING" sign -- in color -- listing the number to call if someone wishes to report abuse of the law. In her own home, on her own property. Further, since she runs this business from her home, if she has friends or family come over to her home for holidays or family gatherings -- not during her business hours -- those people are forbidden to smoke in the building (the house) or on the property, except in the designated smoking area. On private property. I see something very wrong with that.

I can. Quite clearly.

Wow. It's been five whole days since I've posted here. That proves that something was/is amiss in my life. It started last Tuesday night. I was laying in bed, on my back, flipping channels on the TV, praying for sleep to overcome me so that the pain would stop. My lower back was tight. You could have bounced a quarter off of it. The next day, the pain became worse, but it was bearable. Wednesday night as I lay in bed again, waiting to fall asleep, I couldn't lie on my back because of the pain. Instead, I turned from side to side all night long because my sides started to have the same pain, too. Thursday morning the pain in my lower back/top of my buttocks was nearly unbearable, but I knew I had to go to work anyway. It was month-end, and I had paperwork that HAD to get done. By 9:00am that morning, I couldn't sit, stand, or walk without extreme pain. My threshold for pain is great, so I knew that something was very wrong. I called my doctor and got an appointment for 11:45am. I left work, drove home, and my husband helped me into the house. I couldn't even lift my own legs to walk without wincing and crying out in pain. He helped me into the van and drove me to the doctor. Once there, I creid the entire time I was trying to walk into the office. When the nurse called my name, I hobbled behind her, with my hubby at my elbow, helping me. She said, "Step up on the scale." I screamed, "You are KIDDING! RIGHT??!" But I managed to get up there, not caring what the weight registered. I couldn't see the numbers through my tears, anyway. The doc told me what I had already suspected: Sciatica. Wow. I've had sciatic pain before, but never like this. It was always either in one leg, or the other. This time is was BOTH, and radiating from the top of my buttocks downward. Folks, I've been through four childbirths -- all vaginal births with long labors -- and two of them were without medication. Those were rough. Talk about weeping, wailing, and gnashing of teeth -- I experienced all of those for hours at a time. But, lemme tell ya'. The pain I experienced for three days straight was worse than any of those childbirth experiences. Incredibly, I went back to work Thursday after filling the Rx's the doc gave me for Vicadin and some arthritis meds, and finished my month-end paperwork, then somehow managed to drive myself home. I knew I wouldn't be able to go to work Friday. I couldn't get any relief no matter what I did -- standing, sitting, laying on my side, on my back, on my stomach -- nothing relieved the pain at all. By Friday at midnight, going into early Saturday morning, I was sitting at this computer looking up which hospitals were in my insurance network. I just knew that the hubby would hafta take me to an emergency room so that they could either 1) give me a muscle relaxer, 2) give me an epidural, or 3) put me into a coma. Something had to be done to stop the pain. Miraculously, by 12:30am on Saturday, the pain ebbed ever so slightly. But, it was enough that I knew I could stand the residual pain. By 3:00am Sunday morning, the pain was back and I found myself down in the living room, trying to curl up in the Lazy Boy, on the floor, on the couch, on the hard kitchen floor -- anything to rid myself of the stabbing, constant pain. By 5:30am, the pain ebbed again, but moreso this time. By 10:00am, I could actually sit on the couch with minimal pain. By bedtime Saturday night, I could lay on my right side and hardly feel any pain. I slept until nearly 9:30am Sunday morning (something I NEVER do....I'm always up by 5:30am -- even on weekends), and awoke to minimal pain. I went to work today, and my back is still sore. The spasms have stopped, however. There is still a little lingering pain radiating down my left leg, but this is a walk in the park contrasted to what I experienced over the weekend. And through it all -- I'm still smoke-free. Tomorrow will mark my two-week anniversary. I saw the shrink on Friday morning, despite being in pain. My lap band surgeon requires that I see one before surgery. For some reason, the guy wants to see me TWO MORE TIMES. Wuz up with that? So, I have appointments this week on Thursday and Friday mornings. I just emailed my surgeron and asked if he knew why, since he was the one who recommended that particular psychologist. I guess I'll await his response.

Wow. It's been five whole days since I've posted here. That proves that something was/is amiss in my life. It started last Tuesday night. I was laying in bed, on my back, flipping channels on the TV, praying for sleep to overcome me so that the pain would stop. My lower back was tight. You could have bounced a quarter off of it. The next day, the pain became worse, but it was bearable. Wednesday night as I lay in bed again, waiting to fall asleep, I couldn't lie on my back because of the pain. Instead, I turned from side to side all night long because my sides started to have the same pain, too. Thursday morning the pain in my lower back/top of my buttocks was nearly unbearable, but I knew I had to go to work anyway. It was month-end, and I had paperwork that HAD to get done. By 9:00am that morning, I couldn't sit, stand, or walk without extreme pain. My threshold for pain is great, so I knew that something was very wrong. I called my doctor and got an appointment for 11:45am. I left work, drove home, and my husband helped me into the house. I couldn't even lift my own legs to walk without wincing and crying out in pain. He helped me into the van and drove me to the doctor. Once there, I creid the entire time I was trying to walk into the office. When the nurse called my name, I hobbled behind her, with my hubby at my elbow, helping me. She said, "Step up on the scale." I screamed, "You are KIDDING! RIGHT??!" But I managed to get up there, not caring what the weight registered. I couldn't see the numbers through my tears, anyway. The doc told me what I had already suspected: Sciatica. Wow. I've had sciatic pain before, but never like this. It was always either in one leg, or the other. This time is was BOTH, and radiating from the top of my buttocks downward. Folks, I've been through four childbirths -- all vaginal births with long labors -- and two of them were without medication. Those were rough. Talk about weeping, wailing, and gnashing of teeth -- I experienced all of those for hours at a time. But, lemme tell ya'. The pain I experienced for three days straight was worse than any of those childbirth experiences. Incredibly, I went back to work Thursday after filling the Rx's the doc gave me for Vicadin and some arthritis meds, and finished my month-end paperwork, then somehow managed to drive myself home. I knew I wouldn't be able to go to work Friday. I couldn't get any relief no matter what I did -- standing, sitting, laying on my side, on my back, on my stomach -- nothing relieved the pain at all. By Friday at midnight, going into early Saturday morning, I was sitting at this computer looking up which hospitals were in my insurance network. I just knew that the hubby would hafta take me to an emergency room so that they could either 1) give me a muscle relaxer, 2) give me an epidural, or 3) put me into a coma. Something had to be done to stop the pain. Miraculously, by 12:30am on Saturday, the pain ebbed ever so slightly. But, it was enough that I knew I could stand the residual pain. By 3:00am Sunday morning, the pain was back and I found myself down in the living room, trying to curl up in the Lazy Boy, on the floor, on the couch, on the hard kitchen floor -- anything to rid myself of the stabbing, constant pain. By 5:30am, the pain ebbed again, but moreso this time. By 10:00am, I could actually sit on the couch with minimal pain. By bedtime Saturday night, I could lay on my right side and hardly feel any pain. I slept until nearly 9:30am Sunday morning (something I NEVER do....I'm always up by 5:30am -- even on weekends), and awoke to minimal pain. I went to work today, and my back is still sore. The spasms have stopped, however. There is still a little lingering pain radiating down my left leg, but this is a walk in the park contrasted to what I experienced over the weekend. And through it all -- I'm still smoke-free. Tomorrow will mark my two-week anniversary. I saw the shrink on Friday morning, despite being in pain. My lap band surgeon requires that I see one before surgery. For some reason, the guy wants to see me TWO MORE TIMES. Wuz up with that? So, I have appointments this week on Thursday and Friday mornings. I just emailed my surgeron and asked if he knew why, since he was the one who recommended that particular psychologist. I guess I'll await his response.

The last cigarette I smoked was two days before Thanksgiving. This is my second attempt at quitting, and it's much easier than the first time. MUCH EASIER. The difference is, I knew what to expect. I knew about the depression and crying, the cravings and feeling light-headed (because of increased oxygen in the lungs). This time I have been taking Wellbutrin (for about 6 months now), and it makes a huge difference. So, today marks 12 days smoke-free. It would be a lie to say that I don't miss smoking. I do miss it. It would be a lie to say that I don't want to smoke. I do. But it would also be a lie to say that I am going to get healthy by having lap band surgery, yet continue to smoke. I can't be healthy and smoke -- no matter what weight I'm at. I know that for a fact. Now, before some of you pounce on me for saying that -- and thinking that I'm wagging my finger at you for smoking --- I'M NOT. In fact, I think it very, very wrong for one person -- or an entire nation of people -- to tell another person that they can't smoke. It just pisses me off that they've passed the Smoke-Free law here in Ohio. It really does. Granted, I do think it wrong to smoke inside a restaurant or any other public place. I never did that. I didn't smoke in the house. It's wrong for me to expose non-smokers to my smoke. BUT -- it's also wrong for non-smokers to "gang up" on other people who do choose to smoke. We all have our rights to do whatever we wish to our own bodies. Okay. I'm getting down off my soapbox now. Quitting smoking is tough, but it's easier for me this time around because not only am I using the patch again, but I am also on Wellbutrin, and Dr. Curry won't perform my lap band surgery without me quitting smoking. So I just went ahead and quit even before I have a surgery date.

If someone had told me a week ago that I wouldn’t be craving a cigarette first thing in the morning after not smoking for six days, I wouldn’t have believed them. But, ‘tis true. Yesterday made six days smoke-free for me. And yesterday morning, while drinking my coffee and taking my supplements, I did not want a cigarette. In fact, I can honestly say that I didn’t crave a cigarette at all yesterday. Tonight at 7:00pm, I’ll officially be one week smoke-free, and I’m glad of it. However, I am cautious, too. Remember – I’ve been down this road before. Everything was hunky-dory until I hit the end of my fourth week. I’ll call it the Fourth Week Wall (FWW). Up to that time, I had lost all cigarette cravings, and I was feeling fine. Then I hit that FWW and I was depressed, crying, upset – and there wasn’t one damn thing I could do to stop it. I am NOT a high maintenance person, but I became such during that week. I loathed myself for what I had become. And to add insult to injury, the cigarette cravings returned, with a vengeance. So, I started smoking again. Now, THIS time I’m fortified for that FWW. After that last FWW episode, I went to my doctor and said, “Hey. This ain’t workin’ for me. You have GOT to tell me what in Hell’s the matter with me.” I ‘splained about the depression, et al, and that’s when he told me about the pleasure receptors in my brain just waiting to be filled by me taking a drag on a cigarette. Oh. That made sense, because I instantly felt better with that very first cigarette. So, that’s when he started me on Wellbutrin. He further ‘splained to me that it would take a few weeks – or even months – for it to build up in my system before I’d notice a difference. He was right. I can tell a difference between this quit-smoking-attempt, and the last one. I’m pretty sure that’s why I am not having the cravings now. But, we’ll see. We’ll see how I’m doing when I hit that Fourth Week Wall. Hopefully, not only will I make it to that wall, but I’ll be able to scale it and move on with life – smoke-free. And now I hafta hit the treadmill for thirty minutes. I’ve gained about 10 pounds in one week of not smoking (you heard me correctly – that’s 10 – T-E-N – pounds). Holy Crap! If I continue to gain at this rate, by the time I hit that wall I won’t be able to lift my keister over it.

Wow. Tough audience tonight.

Teresita, angelburch, carol453, and KariK - thank you for all of your comments. I read them over and over again. I appreciate your support. Now that I've got this not-smoking situation in check, I've got to get my mind geared for losing the weight I've gained this past week. It's 6:15am and I've got to hit the treadmill now before work. THANKS, GALS!!

If someone had told me a week ago that I wouldn’t be craving a cigarette first thing in the morning after not smoking for six days, I wouldn’t have believed them. But, ‘tis true. Yesterday made six days smoke-free for me. And yesterday morning, while drinking my coffee and taking my supplements, I did not want a cigarette. In fact, I can honestly say that I didn’t crave a cigarette at all yesterday. Tonight at 7:00pm, I’ll officially be one week smoke-free, and I’m glad of it. However, I am cautious, too. Remember – I’ve been down this road before. Everything was hunky-dory until I hit the end of my fourth week. I’ll call it the Fourth Week Wall (FWW). Up to that time, I had lost all cigarette cravings, and I was feeling fine. Then I hit that FWW and I was depressed, crying, upset – and there wasn’t one damn thing I could do to stop it. I am NOT a high maintenance person, but I became such during that week. I loathed myself for what I had become. And to add insult to injury, the cigarette cravings returned, with a vengeance. So, I started smoking again. Now, THIS time I’m fortified for that FWW. After that last FWW episode, I went to my doctor and said, “Hey. This ain’t workin’ for me. You have GOT to tell me what in Hell’s the matter with me.” I ‘splained about the depression, et al, and that’s when he told me about the pleasure receptors in my brain just waiting to be filled by me taking a drag on a cigarette. Oh. That made sense, because I instantly felt better with that very first cigarette. So, that’s when he started me on Wellbutrin. He further ‘splained to me that it would take a few weeks – or even months – for it to build up in my system before I’d notice a difference. He was right. I can tell a difference between this quit-smoking-attempt, and the last one. I’m pretty sure that’s why I am not having the cravings now. But, we’ll see. We’ll see how I’m doing when I hit that Fourth Week Wall. Hopefully, not only will I make it to that wall, but I’ll be able to scale it and move on with life – smoke-free. And now I hafta hit the treadmill for thirty minutes. I’ve gained about 10 pounds in one week of not smoking (you heard me correctly – that’s 10 – T-E-N – pounds). Holy Crap! If I continue to gain at this rate, by the time I hit that wall I won’t be able to lift my keister over it.

You people are wonderful. If I ever get time, I'll respond to all of the comments I'm getting. Don't think that I'm ignoring you, please. I'll find some time to respond today while I'm on my lunch break. Wow. Five days without a cigarette. Several quits ago, I tried the "tapering down" approach, and it was disastrous. I didn't know why then, but I know why now. I would go for hours without a cigarette, looking forward to having one at my predetermined time, holding out until then, and feeling the sweet relief once I finally got to light up again. Well, that didn't work for me because, logically, I was simply putting myself through a constant "quit and re-start" phase over and over again. I would quit for five hours, my body would start to rid itself of the nicotine, and then I would simply reintroduce the drug again. I would deny myself the nicotine for six hours, light up, get that nicotine in me again, and start the withdrawal process over again. I was in agony for a solid week before I realized that, logically, that simply wasn't the best way to quit. It makes me wonder, however, what's gonna happen when I go from using this 21mg patch to the 14mg patch. Will I be in withdrawal? Hmm. I guess I'll hafta wait and see. Well, it's nearly time to get ready for work. I can't wait to go back, really. I've had four days at home and I'm going batty trying to find things to keep me occupied. *sigh* Big breath. It helps most times to feel that clean air bouncing around my lungs. It feels good to be able to take a big breath without coughing and wheezing afterwards. But I'm still wanting to smoke in the mornings -- especially the mornings. I can't wait until I don't feel a void anymore -- a void I can't seem to fill just now. I was going to type here how many hours it's been since I had a cigarette, but it's getting too difficult to calculate in my tiny brain. It's now easier to say how many days it's been. So, it's been 5 days and 12 hours since I've had a cigarette. I'm breaking my arm here patting myself on the back.

You people are wonderful. If I ever get time, I'll respond to all of the comments I'm getting. Don't think that I'm ignoring you, please. I'll find some time to respond today while I'm on my lunch break. Wow. Five days without a cigarette. Several quits ago, I tried the "tapering down" approach, and it was disastrous. I didn't know why then, but I know why now. I would go for hours without a cigarette, looking forward to having one at my predetermined time, holding out until then, and feeling the sweet relief once I finally got to light up again. Well, that didn't work for me because, logically, I was simply putting myself through a constant "quit and re-start" phase over and over again. I would quit for five hours, my body would start to rid itself of the nicotine, and then I would simply reintroduce the drug again. I would deny myself the nicotine for six hours, light up, get that nicotine in me again, and start the withdrawal process over again. I was in agony for a solid week before I realized that, logically, that simply wasn't the best way to quit. It makes me wonder, however, what's gonna happen when I go from using this 21mg patch to the 14mg patch. Will I be in withdrawal? Hmm. I guess I'll hafta wait and see. Well, it's nearly time to get ready for work. I can't wait to go back, really. I've had four days at home and I'm going batty trying to find things to keep me occupied. *sigh* Big breath. It helps most times to feel that clean air bouncing around my lungs. It feels good to be able to take a big breath without coughing and wheezing afterwards. But I'm still wanting to smoke in the mornings -- especially the mornings. I can't wait until I don't feel a void anymore -- a void I can't seem to fill just now. I was going to type here how many hours it's been since I had a cigarette, but it's getting too difficult to calculate in my tiny brain. It's now easier to say how many days it's been. So, it's been 5 days and 12 hours since I've had a cigarette. I'm breaking my arm here patting myself on the back.

I watched a documentary last night on The History Channel about the history of tobacco and its uses. It wasn’t a biased program – anti-smoking Nazi’s, et al – rather, it was truly about the history of tobacco – from the growing of it originally in the Americas by Native Americans for various needs, to the distribution of it across the world, thanks to the Europeans who had the means to ship it back to the mother country and beyond – for personal use as well as financial gain. The hour-long show detailed all kinds of tobacco use – cigars, cigarettes, pipe tobacco, snuff, moist tobacco, and chewing tobacco. As I sat there and watched, I waited for the anti-smoking rhetoric to being. But it never did. Instead, facts were laid out very matter-of-factly. I debated at first whether to even watch the show, given my state of mind. Yesterday was a bad day for me, as far as nicotine cravings go. It was my fourth day smoke-free, and it was the worst day thus far. The documentary showed frequent images of people smoking cigarettes. I wondered how that would affect me. Would I crave one all the more? I nearly changed the station, but changed my mind. I continued to watch. And I’m so glad that I did. Today’s blend of cigarette is not comprised solely of tobacco. It’s only half tobacco – and that half is laced with enticing food flavorings such as chocolate and sugar, to mellow the original tobacco into a pleasing form. The other fifty percent of a cigarette is made up of “recon” – tobacco product remnants swept from the tobacco factory floors, mingled with cigarettes sent back to the factory because their shelf life has expired. And then there’s the chemicals. Aside from the few I knew of – tar, ammonia, acetone, and carbon monoxide – I was surprised to find the myriad more: arsenic (rat poison), styrene (think of the things that Big Macs used to be packaged in – those Styrofoam containers), lead, methanol (rocket fuel!), and the one that REALLY gave me the willies -- hydrogen cyanide. That’s the poison they use to kill the bad guys in the gas chambers, folks. Holy crap! I’m a real hypocrite, yanno? I mean, for the past several years I’ve taken great pains to record what I eat – down to the most miniscule ingredient – recording those findings into FitDay, counting calories and carbohydrates, making sure that I don’t ingest sugar, and thinking very well of myself for doing all of that. Yet, I ingested arsenic and cyanide on an hourly basis for years. What the Hell was I thinking? How could I think that that was an okay thing to do? Well, I didn’t think it was okay. In fact, I knew that it wasn’t okay. What had me hooked was the nicotine. In fact, the documentary last night reinforced what my doctor had been telling me since last year. Smoking brings pleasure because it affects the pleasure centers of the brain. What he DIDN’T tell me – and what I found out last night – was that the more I smoked, the more nicotine/pleasure receptors developed in my brain, waiting to be fed, so the more I smoked, the more of those thingies popped up, waiting to be fed, the more I smoked……. You get the drift. It’s a vicious cycle. Much like overeating. The more you eat, the more you are ABLE to eat, because the more fat cells your body produce, waiting to be filled, the more you eat, yadda, yadda, yadda. So, I’m a double threat. I’ve been fat since I was a little child, so I have all of these fat cells waiting to be filled. They’ve been filled and then unfilled through weight loss more times than I’m willing to admit. And now that I’ve smoked all of these years, I have all of these nicotine receptors waiting to be filled in my brain. Holy Jesus weepin’ on the cross. What a fool I’ve been all of these years. I’m gonna quit whining and complaining that I’m craving a cigarette and just suck it up. I did this to myself, so I can just undo it. These cravings will stop eventually – possibly days – possibly months or even years – but, so the Hell what? I can’t go back to mistreating my body. I only have one, and I don’t get another shot at this. I’ll think about that today when the cravings hit.

It's now been 84.5 hours since having a cigarette. Yesterday and last night were surprisingly easy. I found that I didn't think about smoking very much at all. The dreaded 72-hour "sink or swim" mark came and went, and I didn't even make note of it. It was very smooth sailing. This morning is a different tune altogether. I woke up early this morning and lay in bed, wanting to get up because my back was killing me, but not wanting to get up because one of my first thoughts was of smoking a cigarette. Knowing I couldn't have one -- because there aren't any in the house -- I grudgingly tripped to the bathroom and ripped the used patch from my left arm, and turned on the tap, praying that the hot water would hurry upstairs from its basement home in the water heater. With hot water, soap, and washcloth readied, I washed and dried my right upper arm and, finding a spot that hadn’t been occupied before, palmed a patch there. Damn. I’m outta cloth tape. I use cloth tape to ensure the patch stays put in its 24-hour dock, and I’m out. *sigh* I hafta go to the store today anyway. I’ll make a note to pick some up. Dressed, face washed, and arm all patched, I padded down the stairs to the kitchen, filled my 16-ounce Styrofoam cup with water, placed it directly into the middle of the glass microwave turntable, and set the time for 1 minute, 45 seconds. It was at that moment that I turned to let the dog out for her morning pee and the urge -- craving -- hit me. I wanted a cigarette and wanted one NOW! What the HELL???? I’m past the magic 72-hour mark! The cravings are supposed to be gone, or at least manageable! Not fair! My body isn’t following the rules! Waaaaaa!!! So, here I sit, journaling about this, taking deep breaths, drinking my coffee, wanting to kick the cat (if we had one), and nearly experiencing weeping, wailing, and gnashing of teeth. All because of wanting a stupid, stinky cigarette. Get a grip, girl. If I can't make it two weeks without a cigarette, what makes me think I'm gonna make it two weeks on the Medifast Diet my surgeon wants me to be on before surgery?

Fifty hours. That’s 5-0. Fifty HOURS since I had a cigarette. And, yanno what? I’m sitting here at 6:00am – get this – drum roll, please – I’m not craving a cigarette this morning. WOO HOO!! You GO girl!! It’s great to be able to sit here and drink my coffee and take my vitamins without having to jump up every twenty minutes and smoke a cigarette on the back porch. When I let the dog out this morning for her morning pee, the urge to smoke wasn’t there. God, that felt good. When I went for a drive yesterday afternoon with the hubby, the urge to light up while driving was there, but not because I was having a craving. It was just a habit. THAT felt good, too. I’m leaving in a moment to go to Big Lots to get some stocking stuffers for Christmas (why on God’s earth they would open at 6:00am, I’ll never know…….poor clerks!). I know that I will be wanting to light up while driving – just a habit – but I don’t think it will be because of a craving. I think that Dr. Curry will be proud of me when I am able to report to him in January that I quit smoking – er, haven’t smoked since November. Onward…….

I watched a documentary last night on The History Channel about the history of tobacco and its uses. It wasn’t a biased program – anti-smoking Nazi’s, et al – rather, it was truly about the history of tobacco – from the growing of it originally in the Americas by Native Americans for various needs, to the distribution of it across the world, thanks to the Europeans who had the means to ship it back to the mother country and beyond – for personal use as well as financial gain. The hour-long show detailed all kinds of tobacco use – cigars, cigarettes, pipe tobacco, snuff, moist tobacco, and chewing tobacco. As I sat there and watched, I waited for the anti-smoking rhetoric to being. But it never did. Instead, facts were laid out very matter-of-factly. I debated at first whether to even watch the show, given my state of mind. Yesterday was a bad day for me, as far as nicotine cravings go. It was my fourth day smoke-free, and it was the worst day thus far. The documentary showed frequent images of people smoking cigarettes. I wondered how that would affect me. Would I crave one all the more? I nearly changed the station, but changed my mind. I continued to watch. And I’m so glad that I did. Today’s blend of cigarette is not comprised solely of tobacco. It’s only half tobacco – and that half is laced with enticing food flavorings such as chocolate and sugar, to mellow the original tobacco into a pleasing form. The other fifty percent of a cigarette is made up of “recon” – tobacco product remnants swept from the tobacco factory floors, mingled with cigarettes sent back to the factory because their shelf life has expired. And then there’s the chemicals. Aside from the few I knew of – tar, ammonia, acetone, and carbon monoxide – I was surprised to find the myriad more: arsenic (rat poison), styrene (think of the things that Big Macs used to be packaged in – those Styrofoam containers), lead, methanol (rocket fuel!), and the one that REALLY gave me the willies -- hydrogen cyanide. That’s the poison they use to kill the bad guys in the gas chambers, folks. Holy crap! I’m a real hypocrite, yanno? I mean, for the past several years I’ve taken great pains to record what I eat – down to the most miniscule ingredient – recording those findings into FitDay, counting calories and carbohydrates, making sure that I don’t ingest sugar, and thinking very well of myself for doing all of that. Yet, I ingested arsenic and cyanide on an hourly basis for years. What the Hell was I thinking? How could I think that that was an okay thing to do? Well, I didn’t think it was okay. In fact, I knew that it wasn’t okay. What had me hooked was the nicotine. In fact, the documentary last night reinforced what my doctor had been telling me since last year. Smoking brings pleasure because it affects the pleasure centers of the brain. What he DIDN’T tell me – and what I found out last night – was that the more I smoked, the more nicotine/pleasure receptors developed in my brain, waiting to be fed, so the more I smoked, the more of those thingies popped up, waiting to be fed, the more I smoked……. You get the drift. It’s a vicious cycle. Much like overeating. The more you eat, the more you are ABLE to eat, because the more fat cells your body produce, waiting to be filled, the more you eat, yadda, yadda, yadda. So, I’m a double threat. I’ve been fat since I was a little child, so I have all of these fat cells waiting to be filled. They’ve been filled and then unfilled through weight loss more times than I’m willing to admit. And now that I’ve smoked all of these years, I have all of these nicotine receptors waiting to be filled in my brain. Holy Jesus weepin’ on the cross. What a fool I’ve been all of these years. I’m gonna quit whining and complaining that I’m craving a cigarette and just suck it up. I did this to myself, so I can just undo it. These cravings will stop eventually – possibly days – possibly months or even years – but, so the Hell what? I can’t go back to mistreating my body. I only have one, and I don’t get another shot at this. I’ll think about that today when the cravings hit.

It's now been 84.5 hours since having a cigarette. Yesterday and last night were surprisingly easy. I found that I didn't think about smoking very much at all. The dreaded 72-hour "sink or swim" mark came and went, and I didn't even make note of it. It was very smooth sailing. This morning is a different tune altogether. I woke up early this morning and lay in bed, wanting to get up because my back was killing me, but not wanting to get up because one of my first thoughts was of smoking a cigarette. Knowing I couldn't have one -- because there aren't any in the house -- I grudgingly tripped to the bathroom and ripped the used patch from my left arm, and turned on the tap, praying that the hot water would hurry upstairs from its basement home in the water heater. With hot water, soap, and washcloth readied, I washed and dried my right upper arm and, finding a spot that hadn’t been occupied before, palmed a patch there. Damn. I’m outta cloth tape. I use cloth tape to ensure the patch stays put in its 24-hour dock, and I’m out. *sigh* I hafta go to the store today anyway. I’ll make a note to pick some up. Dressed, face washed, and arm all patched, I padded down the stairs to the kitchen, filled my 16-ounce Styrofoam cup with water, placed it directly into the middle of the glass microwave turntable, and set the time for 1 minute, 45 seconds. It was at that moment that I turned to let the dog out for her morning pee and the urge -- craving -- hit me. I wanted a cigarette and wanted one NOW! What the HELL???? I’m past the magic 72-hour mark! The cravings are supposed to be gone, or at least manageable! Not fair! My body isn’t following the rules! Waaaaaa!!! So, here I sit, journaling about this, taking deep breaths, drinking my coffee, wanting to kick the cat (if we had one), and nearly experiencing weeping, wailing, and gnashing of teeth. All because of wanting a stupid, stinky cigarette. Get a grip, girl. If I can't make it two weeks without a cigarette, what makes me think I'm gonna make it two weeks on the Medifast Diet my surgeon wants me to be on before surgery?

Teresita - it stinks somethin' awful! My stepsons have their jackets hanging on the coat rack by the back door. When I was vacuuming this morning (before putting up the Christmas tree), I bent over to vacuum underneath the coat rack, and their jackets WREAK of cigarette smoke!! They have a friend they visit who smokes in his apartment. I hadn't realized how badly it stinks!