Well this is what the internet in all its various guises and personas has taught me about the candidates. I'll try to reproduce the best summarizations as best I can.
HILLARY CLINTON: is in favor of trade regulation, expansion of social programs, education, and environmental protections, wants federal universal health care, is a hawkish interventionalist, was for the Iraq war before she was against it but is now most certainly against it, wants to make flag burning illegal and then make guns illegal just in case people can still legally shoot the flag or illegally shoot each other, is personally against abortion but says it should be totally legal, nobody really knows for sure if she's really for or against same-sex marriage because half the time even she doesn't act like she knows, pokes at video games as the next great Social Evil, and her name, "Clinton," is a component of the Wording Way which the Fremen value for its ability to shut down the logical thought processes of Republicans and turn them into snarling, amygdala-driven hate-beasts when they hear it spoken. Was married to some partially significant dude who got a blow job this one time in an event that has become the new Chappaquiddick in that nobody is ever going to let you forget about it ever and you are supposed to define the entire legacy of 8 years of presidential legacy entirely by it.
RUDY GIULIANI: is in support of Bush's tax cuts, is against the death tax, hates the concept of socialized health care, likes building lots of big ol' stadiums, was practically a perky bepigtailed cheerleader for the Iraq war and even said that the president should have the authority to get his own funds for the war without having to ask congress, supported the domestic wiretapping program, is pro gun control, a total drug war hawk, waffles on abortion rights to protect his republican electability, favors voucher education, is a-ok with Darwin, and in case anyone forgot he hates ferrets, those fucking nasty-ass ferrets should all go die in a fucking fire or something. Will never stop talking about 9/11 until the end of time because that was basically the only thing which made his career anything at all.
IRAQ OSAMA i'm sorry I mean BARACK OBAMA: is against school vouchers and basically wants to recreate the 'best parts' of New Deal concepts for the economy, wants 100% socialized health care, wants to keep the death tax and repeal the bush tax cuts, is hawkish on international policy even though nearly nobody knows this because they think that "voted against the Iraq war" = "total pussy," wants the messican fence, is totally in support of abortion rights, is totally pro gun control, and stem cell research. Is black but pulls off having it not matter too much. Has the advantage of being a supernaturally clean candidate who doesn't ever really do anything wrong per se and this gives him the superpower of forcing his political enemies, who are still lazy after Rove handed them the world's easiest phonetic pillories for use on Kerry, to use completely 100% retarded smear attempts that really only just make them sound dumb, like that one time where they were trying desperately to make him out to be a radical madrassa wannabe suicide bomber and they were always forcefully enunciating and emphasizing his middle name, he's barack HUSSEIN obama did we mention his middle name is HUSSEIN? he must be wrong for america!
MITT ROMNEY: is Very No on child abusers, wants to expand the death penalty, is very in favor of the No Child Left Behind Act, wants abstinence-only education to be universalized across the US, is surprisingly pro-environmental health until he is not, thinks that the solidarity of the united states is tied inexorably to how well we maintain the supremacy of the heterosexual nuclear family, likes Don't Ask Don't Tell, is a pretty decent defender of gun rights but won't go as far as the NRA wants him to, was surprisingly involved in the engagement of universalized Massachusetts health care, even if he was very reluctant about many of the benefits, wants to mandate the installation of government decency software in every computer sold in the united states in order to 'combat pornography,' wants the minimum wage to make regular inflation and living-cost matched increases. He tap-dances furiously around his own stance(s) on abortion but what else is new, refuses to commit to being against any new taxes or not against any new taxes, said totally dumbshit things about france this one time, is for 'enhanced interrogation techniques,' and he thinks that anti-terrorism activity should be combated by a supergroup assembled by all modern nations that he wants to call the "Special Partnership Force" and doesn't mind that the name sounds all hand-holdey special field trip for togetherness. Is a member of the "Mormons" which are considered a shadowy evil hegemony of a twisted mockery of Christianity by evangelicals so that'll be a bitch for him in winning the primaries.
JOHN EDWARDS: Some charming-smiled whoosit who is otherwise important in that he will never win a presidential election......ever! For Serious, but he does have nice hair!
RON PAUL: is in favor of free trade, abolishment of welfare, destruction of runaway presidential autonomy, wants to end the war on drugs, is a foe of abortion and the Iraq war and even income tax, supports states' rights For Real and is not Just Saying That like the previous one million candidates, and wants to abolish the Department of Homeland Security, FEMA, the IRS, and the Department of Education. Is known for coming off as thoughtful and determined and intelligent in debates and refuses to capitalize on wedge issues or make vague proclamations and promises that he does not earnestly believe in in order to garner support. As a result polls at about 0.3% when people are asked if they will actually vote for him. Like me!
DENNIS KUCINICH: is approximately two feet tall and could possibly matter in this election if every other candidate is eaten by raptors.
