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vanishingvixen

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Blog Entries posted by vanishingvixen

  1. vanishingvixen
    See that gal on the left? Yeah, that’s me.
    Oh – NOT the big gal in the picture, per se’. The vixen on the t-shirt that the big gal is wearing. Yeah. Vixen. That’s me!
     
    Ok, so…I’m lying a little bit. They’re both me. Actually…all three (Left, t-shirt, Right) are…me. *duh* As if you didn’t know…
    Now, under normal circumstance, I would never post a pic of myself in my skivvy’s. (note: the obvious photo editing was to make it a little less tacky, and a little more artsy *lol*) But I was going thru some clothes this weekend and came across my very favorite t-shirt – which is the one pictured – and remembered exactly WHY I bought it, and why I love it so…and why I will HATE not being able to wear it this summer b/c it’s now 10 sizes too big. (But I digress – as usual) When I purchased this shirt approximately 14 years ago, I immediately fell in love with the woman on the shirt. She was OWNING her $h!t! Every bit of who she was…beautiful, obviously sexy, unapologetic…ALL OF IT. I felt that She was Me…on the inside, at least. What I realized while primping and preening in the mirror getting dressed yesterday, was that I am truly becoming her. In every sense. Like, WHOA!
     
    Now, I’m not so high on my own supply that I can’t see my obviously flaws like my belly flap & cheezy thighs in the aforementioned posted pic…but upon closer inspection, I’m like DAMN, Gina….that is…YOU! Every day, one step closer to my overall goal of getting to & maintaining a healthy weight (for me 165-170#)…but also to have a figure that is obvious, and not cammoflauged by the “[fat] suit” I was wearing in the picture on the left.
     
    Now, for those who might be offended by the term “[fat] suit” – please don’t be. It’s no dis to anyone, or even myself. But the more I start coming out of denial about where I was with my health, that term really accurately describes how I FEEL/FELT when seeing “pre” pictures of myself. Like my inner vixen - or the true essence of who I have always thought myself to be/look – was being hidden…like I was wearing a suit. Might not make sense to some, but that’s the best way to describe it.
    I mean, WTF am I thinking by even posting a pic of me in my drawls, anyway?!?!? I’ll tell you what. This day…it’s about acceptance. And re-learning to love what I see in the mirror. Because even though what I see is no where near perfect, it’s real… A real woman.
     
    With stretchmarks,
    cellulite,
    saggy skin, and…
    determination.
     
    I see a woman with curves. I see a woman with courage. I see a woman who I done being afraid to take off the “[fat]suit”.
    Hell, one day, I might even be bold enough to post a pic of myself in something and not have it so blurry! Or not… *shrug* The jury’s still out on what is T.M.I. for me *chuckle*
     
    So, anyway… here I am. Love me, or hate me (or a little of both) – it is what it is…I am who I am…and gonna be who I’m gon’ be.
     
    I’m ever thankful for this journey, and those I’ve met along the way who help me keep my course. I would NOT have been able to make it this far without the support system I’ve had. Even hoping to meet a few of you in person in 2012!
     
    Here’s to progress, realizations, determination…and HEALTH. Healthy mind, healthy body, healthy spirit. *cheers*
     
    P.S. Yup! Never in a GRILLION years would I have dreampt it could be. ME – running!!!!
  2. vanishingvixen

    Approval!!!

    By vanishingvixen,

    I've missed all of my LBT peeps! I'm trying not to post much due to The change in WLS – but as promised for those that requested, I’m continuing to stay connected

    Well folks – it’s official! I got the call on Friday that my insurance has approved me for surgery. As I mentioned, I’ve officially decided on the gastric sleeve vs. The lapband…and I’m confident that this IS the right decision for me. I’ve been blessed with a new lease on a healthier life – that won’t just benefit me – but my family!
    My nerves (a.k.a. The Vanity Monster) are already kicking in – but not even as it relates to the surgery itself. Still hella nervous about my “post” body and extra skin & such…but I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it. I am really trying to wrap my mind around the fact that after all I’ve done over the years – that this is something that WILL get some of this weight off. My personal goal is only 75-100# – which is much less than what the surgeon would like – but I know where (and my body will tell me) I will be comfortable weight-wise.
     
    So much to think about. And knowing that I’ll be on liquids for 4 wks has kick started a “Last Supper” syndrome of me wanting to eat everything in sight. I really need to get a handle on myself – b/c I don’t want to throw away all that I’ve learned in the nutrition classes, and ruin this lifestyle change before it even gets going real good. Yeah, ill still be able to eat the stuff I love – just LOTS less of it…and probably not really getting to that point until the new year rolls around.
     
    It’s going to be a long, hard journey – because what I’ve learned thus far is that WLS is just a tool – not the be all end all of weight loss. Some folks have gained all of their weight back, or not even gotten a significant amount off. I must stay the course…my life depends on it.
     
    Ill remain true to the original intent of this blog – now that on Sept 21 – I will begin the hardest part of my transformation.
    Thanks to all who have supported & encouraged. And thanks to those that haven’t been so supportive. Its don’t nothing but make me want this more. Get ready yall …Geyonce is (almost) in the building.
     
    *uh oh uh oh uh oh uh oh*
  3. vanishingvixen
    *editor's note* this is from my main blog...some of this doesn't apply to this forum*
     
    This will be another quickie – as this week getting back in the swing of things has been rather hectic. I promise to get back on my blogging game next week.
     
    Well, looks like my “start date” (the hoop-jumping 3months I have to go thru for insurance, dr. Monitored weightloss, etc) will be pushed back 1 month. Instead of April, ill start in May – after Mother’s Day/the big GGX event in NYC. Mainly a money issue – I have a few things looming and lots of prep for the 3 vendor events I have in the next 6 wks, and I need to be able to focus all of my time & attention on that…for now.
     
    BUT, if I can figure out a way to do it in April…I will. I’m just very ready to get the show on the road!! I under-estimated how much time and energy go into an actual event. And after the 2day expo this past weekend, I figure I really need to grind the next few weeks. Still praying for a way to get it all done according to schedule…but we’ll see.
     
    Now – I have a rant. This is directed at the folks that have never struggled with weight in their life. I pose this question: Why do some people thinks its so easy to lose weight on your own? Be eat over eating/food addictions/emotional eating/etc or lack of exercise/motivation/lethargy/complacency… Do you think I’d be subjecting myself to a surgical process, hospital bills, etc…if it were “THAT easy”? Even in my most successful weightloss of 20+ lbs (attributed to pills that are no longer on the market), that was it. The 100+ I need to lose is not a matter of it being “THAT easy” if I just put my mind to it – as if I haven’t (put my mind/energy to it) done that already. Weight is a hard, hardddd thing to lose. ESPECIALLY once you have had a child. Why do you think so many people use Trim Spa, Quick Trim, cleanses, etc…hoping for some quick assistance (even the small ppl like Kim ‘Dash)?
     
    Not to take ANYthing away from those who ARE, in fact doing it the “natural way” like my girl Benee -because she is one of the most dedicated folks I've seen. Here attitude, her drive, and the results are phenomenal. But as she's chimed in before - not everyone can do it that way. If we could, there wouldn't be such staggering rates of obesity. Not everyone is able - and for real? Eating healthy is EXPENSIVE. *sheesh* Just curious as to why MY decision to do what *I* need to do…rub so many people (in general) the wrong way? Even other overweight/obese people who are hell-bent on doing it their way…but have been unsuccessful for years. At what point do you decide that something isn't quite working for you? Some folks have been battling the buldge for 10, 15, 20 years like myself. At what point do you consider another alternative - especially when your health & life are at risk?
     
    Let's just keep it real as we look at the chart...(after calculating our BMI's. Mine is 52. Which means I'm HALF fat. *smdh*) http://www.nhlbisupport.com/bmi/bminojs.htm
     
     

    BMI
     
    Weight StatusBelow 18.5Underweight18.5 – 24.9Normal25.0 – 29.9Overweight30.0 and AboveObese


     

    and for example:


     
     
    Height
    Weight Range
    BMI


     
     
    Weight Status5' 9"124 lbs or lessBelow 18.5Underweight125 lbs to 168 lbs18.5 to 24.9Normal169 lbs to 202 lbs25.0 to 29.9Overweight203 lbs or more30 or higherObese

     
     
    How many truly obese people can 50+ pounds on their own, with no assistance? *shrug* Maybe it's just me...
     
    If I trust God to protect me, that includes surgery. I can’t lose any sleep over the “potential complications” with out acknowledging the “potential gain” (which in this case, is weight “loss”). Its all worth it for me…a year from now, I will be A LOT healthier than I am today. Guarenteed. Not sure how many other folks can say that, but I'm glad *I* can...
     
    *thats my rant and I’m sticking to it*
  4. vanishingvixen
    Howdy good people,
     
    I know you may think I’ve fallen wayyyy off the wagon b/c I’ve been so quiet… But *tahdah* – I’m sitting tall & strong.
     
    The reason for the online version of the food journal being M.I.A. For the last couple of weeks is because of time – work has been hella crazy (which is when I do 90% of my blogging *lol*) and home has been even crazier.
     
    I also decided last weekend that this week was going to be one of food leisure. Not over indulgence, mind you, but eating what I wanted within reason since $h!t gets really real next week: the official Dr. Monitored weightloss program, nutritional counseling & and physical training begins on 4/6 , as well as some of the testing I have to go thru (sleep study is Monday). Which means I have to be on my A-game.
     
    The good part? Its gonna be easy. I realized last week, that without a doubt – my relationship with food HAS changed. I’m aware of everything I put in my mouth, almost every bit nutritional data about said food, and I’m forcing myself to think about how “worth” something is to me before I put it in my mouth. Some things are soooooo worth it – like the choco cupcake from curbside cupcakes the other day. And other’s aren’t (like the 2nd vanilla cupcake I purchased at the same time, but decided to give it to a coworker instead of eat it myself ) I’m aware of how much juice I drink – which is very little these days. And any soda is diet. I opt for fruit as dessert most times, and love the fact that I have more energy as of late. Even for Easter dinner - I noticed how much smaller my portions were, and how little I ate compared to say, Christmas. and only one tiny sliver of my g'mas lemon cake? Yeah, I'm making progress!
     
    I’m pretty friggen proud of myself. I’m down maybe 2more lbs over the past week, so I’m doing something right. People are even beginning to notice. *grin* Best part is, I’m not denying myself…and I’m not starving. I’m just thinking about how my (food choices) affect the bottom line – to truly become the VANISHING vixen. Geeyonce is slowly revealing herself… *uh oh uh oh uh oh uh oh*
  5. vanishingvixen

    That Dress

    By vanishingvixen,

    I wore my favorite dress last Saturday night. It was a bittersweet. I freakin’ rocked that dress, if I might say so myself. (as much as it could be rocked by someone that weighs 300#) And if ppl’s reaction / responses to me in that dress were any indication – I was a Red Foxx!!
     
    But alas, I realized that it will be the last time I wear that dress (unless I can manage to rock it another time or 2 before 9/21).
    It still trips me out that quite a few folks – including a few miscellaneous ppl in various store I stopped at – including folks outside my general realm of admirers ( to be PC about it *lol*) were gassing up my head! but maybe...it was just a nice. dress.
     
    Thing is, given my recent over-all disgust over my appearance…I felt…GOOD in that dress. It may have been a fluke – as I know that will be the last time some of those folks will see me this size, but I again made me think about my concerns about me future “post” body. My big & bodacious body so round & full of life…will soon shrink…I’m just wondering if my personality will, too.
     
    See, this is a new place for me. Insecure about this frame I’m in…unable to take a compliment, for the most part. I wonder how that will change in the coming year – if at all.
     
    I have so many funky-fresh outfits & dresses I’ve accumulated over the years, i'm gonna miss how I looked in (some) of it, yanno?
     
    That’s neither here nor there, I guess. I’m just gonna enjoy this last lil bit of summer in my size 22/24/3x big girl clothes.
     
    Change soon come – I bring it!
  6. vanishingvixen
    I realized today as I was getting dressed that I always seem to go the “extra mile” when it comes to my appearance on days I go to the doctor. Today I meet w/my bariatric surgeon & dietician on the path forward. Sept 21 will be here before I know it!
     
    But back to appearance – it just dawned on me that I think I go all extra on days I know I’m going to the Fatty Doc, bc I feel like my “cute” will somehow overshadow my “fat” – which is often…or at least SOMEtimes the case in the real world. But at a bariatric Dr.’S office – they rarely see the “cute” – if at all, and mostly only see a person that they are glad had sense enough to do something major, about a major health crisis.
     
    *sigh*
     
    I’m good at being fat. Have been fat my entire life. And though after all is said & done a year from now, for all intents & purposes – I’ll still be a fat girl…but a lot healthier one (and 75-100 lighter). It didn’t hit me until today that this will most likely be my last “uncomfortable, morbidly obese, disgusted with myself and how big I’ve gotten” summer. This time next year – I won’t be so cramped in the metro seat as I blog by crackberry, ill be walking taller w/a lil more pep in my step, AND I will have ridden the rollercoasters that I haven’t been able to get on for the past 5 yrs – at least a thousand times.
     
     
    While still struggling with some future vanity concerns and how ill feel in my new body – I’m still excited. & optimistic that this was the best decision for ME. I know I’m cute (most of the time)…but for so long the magnitude of my good-lookigness has been overshadowed by my weight.
     
     
    Get. Ready. Here she comes… *doin my Geyonce dance* uh oh uh oh uh oh…
  7. vanishingvixen
    Sometimes I wonder what miscellaneous people see when they look at me. Are they disgusted by my appearence as much as I am lately?
     
    Like, admittedly, when I see someone fat (my size on upwards of 4 or 500lbs): I wonder if there sturggles w/food have been like mine, I wonder how they feel about themselves, and wonder if they are as uncomfortable as I have been (physically, in terms of knee/hip/foot pain, exhaustion, etc) But most of all, I wonder if they have ever reached the end of their rope w/their weight/health or if they are content with being that way. I ask, b/c I know that some folks enjoy being overweight (ie: the lady recenty who aiming at trying to be 1200 lbs or something so assinine)
     
    I’m not judging. And this is not intended to sound/read as such – I’m just curious about peoples lives…and if, like me, they too are just as fed up with being (so) fat & out of shape…but don’t know what to do about it. I know people probably look at me on the Metro when I’m about to take a seat next to them thinking “noooooooo, I don’t want that fat broad squeezing me into the seat!!”. I’m very aware of peoples reactions…and it hurts. I just wonder if it affects anyone like it has affected me. And further – at what point do you decide to do something about your health??
     
    Being fat I could care lass about. IF I could be fat (morbidly obese is a less pretty term for the truth) AND healthy at this size…ok. But I think it’s physically impossible to be over a certain weight and not have any health issues (present & future) associated with it. Some folks are just riding down the river called denial. I know for me I wasn’t particularly in denial – its just that everything I tried never lasted long term, and I grew sick of feeling like crap about myself – especially over the past year. I don’t want to become one of those folks that acts (seems to act) like I’m so much more enlightened because I’ve decided to do something about my health – because that’s ALL this is about for me. But I wonder if people really know where they stand in terms of mortality.
     
    I’ll put it this way – there is NO food good enough, no alcoholic beverage tasty enough…for me to remain in my current state. I need help trying to shave some years off the death sentance I’ve given myself over the past 2 decades, and pray that the Insurance “Mayor” makes the LAP-BAND® surgery an easy pardon. I’m at my wits end. Add to it married life, motherhood, 9-5 job, jewelry biz…I’m damn near ready to throw myself (and a few other select ppl) off the Woodrow Wilson bridge. But its only a matter of time. Change come soon – I bring it!
     
    P.s. Need a unique and custom-made mother's day gift? I can help! http://ggxjewels.com/Parents_Pride_ZET1.php
  8. vanishingvixen
    Hello Band-land!!
     
    It's been FOREVER since I've checked in. I didn't wanna get outsted by the forum power's that be since I decided to go with the vertical sleeve. BUT, I did promise to touch bases, since i met some amazing people during my stay here. The short update: I had surgery on 9/21 and am down about 65#. I'm feeling great, and looking pretty great too! I've gone from a sz 22/24, to a 16/18...and my knees, hips & back are thanking me!
     
    To keep it light, I'll post one of my recent updates from my VSG forum, along with the link to my full weightloss journey blog (http://vanishingvixen.wordpress.com). I hope everyone is doing well!! also, if you wish to stay in touch - you can email me here: geenahb2@yahoo.com
     
    The below post is from 1/7/10 - and I've lost 6# more since then
     
    -------------------------------------------------------------------
     
    I know, I know. It’s been toooo long since I’ve updated. We’ll just blame it on life. The last couple of months of 2010 were a dooozy. I was so glad to kick that year in the arse on the way out the door into 2011. *sheesh* Praying for a much smoother ride this year – though all things considered: at least I got my health on track.
     
    about 3 mnths post-op. down 55#
     
    Sooo, where were we? Oh yeah. Arm flaps n’such. (read about it here)I’m over it. Sorta-kinda. I figure, why worry? Besides, I got a shake weight for Christmas. Might seem like a gimmick, but it’s doing something. I feel it! I won’t even talk about the rapidly depleting “fun-bags”. I’m greatful I still have significant cuppage – even if it is on the count of them being so longgggg. By the time I scoop the slinky’s up into one of my FAB new over-the-shoulder-boulder-holders from Lane Bryant, I still have an ample bosom. *cheeze* I have also noticed that my build-a-booty exercises are working better than I expected. That, and a nice proper fitting pair of slacks makes me look Beyonce-bootylicious (even if HERS is fake).
     
    Speaking of slacks – I’m in a size 18 now. CANUFRIGGENBELIEVEIT?? At my biggest (in August) I was a sz 22/24. I’m now about 60# down (give or take, depending on the day), and its still somehow lost on me. Yeah, I get that its gonna take awhile for my old brain to catch up to my new body, but I feel like in some weird parallel universe at times. I mean – is “this” really…ME?
     
    The last time I saw 250# was over 10 years ago. And now, I’m only 51# away from my first super big goal of getting UNDER 200#. I’m on my way to ONE-derland, baybee!!! Though, I guess me hitting 50# was worth some fanfare – I just kinda…forgot. *shrug*
     
    People ask me a lot how I feel. Well, most days, I feel pretty good. I’m pretty much back to “normal”. With the exception of raw veggies/salads (and I’m craving a ceasar salad something fierce). The nausea/vomitting has subsided. And my knees and back/hips are thanking me. I’m more active in terms of walking when I can, takig the steps when I can, dancing when I can, and doing my lil mini-workouts in the bedroom. Really, its been going pretty well. I’m rather proud of myself, even if what I’m doing is minimal at the moment.
     
    the new 'do
     
    HOWEVER, due to the drastic change in nutrition/lack of protein in the first couple months…my hair started falling out. BIG time. In CLUMPS. My big beautiful fro is no more. *sadface* At first, I went with rockin drawstring pontails for a minute, but I just didn’t feel like…ME. So, on Christmas, I cut my hair off. I figured I rather have short, vibrant, healthy hair.. then longer/bigger patchy hair. So I’m going to keep it short for the next 9 months or so until I can get my protein & everything where it should be. Maintain my fiery crown of red (with the help of Clairol textures-n-tones “Flaming Desire”), however short, and rock on…
     
    I will say one last thing – the weightloss surgery was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. Rough start aside, it gets easier every day. I’m making much better food choices, which means I still get to enjoy the things I love on occasion (cupcake, anyone? Well, in my case 1/2 a cupcake *lol*). I’m even rather fond of green veggies. Who woulda thunk it!?
     
    I do still feel guilty when folks give accolades of “keep up the good work” b/c I don’t feel like I’m doing much to earn that. But, if deciding to actually “do” something about my weight & health (surgery or no)…well I guess that counts for something!
     
    Thanks to all who have continued to support, encourage, and drool.
     
    Think I’m lookin hawt now? Just *weight* until the summer
     
    almost halfway there!
    Surgery Date: 9/21/10
    Dr. D. Halmi - Potomac Hosp. - Woodbridge, VA
    http://vanishingvixen.wordpress.com
     
     
    A
  9. vanishingvixen
    *begin rant*

    Do people who have NEVER had any struggle w/their weight really have ANY earthly idea how hard it is being a fatty? ESPECIALLY one who has struggled with weight their entire life. I’m just tired of the superiority that comes along with [some] thin folks. Especially-especially those that ASSUME they are healthy simply b/c they are thin. My doc was actually shocked at my last physical. No HBP, no high cholesterol, no diabetes, blood tests were fine, kidney & liver function were fine. Heart was good & strong. If i wasn't morbidly obese, I'd be healthy *lol* And he went on to tell me how many average size – assumingly “Healthy” folks would come in and have all of these health ailments and be on all kind of medications for cholesterol, HBP, etc. Most everyone has one vice or another. It may not be food…but it’s something. Cigarettes, alcohol, drugs, gambling, sex…SOMETHING. All I know – if one more thin/“healthy” chain-smoking, coke-snorting, alcoholic, gambling, sex-addict says ONE more thing to me about my weight – there are gonna be consequences and repercussions! *BAH*

    If they hate me now? LAwd…There’s no hope for them come this time next year. Nonsense like this only makes me THAT more determined to hit Geyonce status (Gina + Beyonce = Geyonce) – and STAY there. *uh oh uh oh* :huh0:

    *end rant*


    Happy Friday all!
  10. vanishingvixen
    Howdy Banders – I know it has been an INSANE amount of time since my last post, but A LOT going on. First – I’m still on the wagon! I gained back 2lbs between my first and second dietician appt’s, but I already know it was my emotional eating that landed me there. HOWEVER, I am down one dress size! From 24 to 22 in about 2 months. 10lbs. I can’t really complain. But between the jewelry biz taking off & prepping for vendor events (now OFFICIAL! Finally got my biz license & tax ID *giggety*), a sudden tragic death of a friend, and motherhood, wifehood, et al…I kinda fell back into the habit of not planning my meals. I’m still watching my portions (as well as severely limiting my juice intake, in favor of water & crystal lite), but I seem to have a “Last Supper” syndrome when it comes to breads & such. I knew that with the LApband, that would pretty much be a thing of the past…

    Which brings me to the news. I’ve decided to go with a different WLS then Lapband. My insurance company now covers the gastric sleeve (They did not when I first started this process). It’s a nice middle ground between GB and LP. I was also looking at the long-term cost for follow-ups/fills, etc…and decided this procedure will be a great fit for my personal (As well as my doctor’s) goals. I won’t even lie – reading some of the folks horror stories, and the fact that I still needed to come to terms with the band, the port, and the fills…scared the piss outta me. I know people who have had all 3 of the surgeries, so I have a bounty of knowledge - I just feel like this will be a better choice for me, personally. I know this might get me kicked off the website! *lol* But I’ve met some wonderful folks here- so will be keeping my account open to check on everyone.

    Wishing everyone the best of luck with their respective journeys!

    If you want to reach me off line, hit me on my website www.ggxjewels.com (MD/DC/VA folks, lots of ops to meet & greet in person!) – or you can email me at: theggxjewel@gmail.com

    I’ll be poking my head in periodically, and even posting some updated pics… DON’T BE A STRANGER!
  11. vanishingvixen
    As promised - I'm checkin in! How is everyone?
     
    ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     
    Greetings my Good People!
     
    I know it’s been a hella long minute since I’ve updated. My life has been nothin short of chaos for the past 3 months. That being said – I haven’t lost my focus – even though I lost my day job.I will say though – that this time has helped me really prioritize my life and what’s important…and my health (physical, mental, AND spiritual) is at the top of the heap.
     
    Feeling Accomplished after ZUMBA
     
    The time I spent in NYC motivated me to get out & move more, and that’s something I brought home with me. When I was there – some days Id walk 3 or 4 miles a day. I’d run & play in the park w/my daughter…I’d just get up and move as much as possible. I really attribute this last 15-20# I lost (in the past 2 mnths) to that. On top of that – I realized that moving got my juices flowin…so to speak. It made me WANT to move/do more…and when I do get up/out & move…I feel…vixen-ish! *lol*
     
    Seriously – I really thought my mojo was gone for good. But it is slowly resurfacing. It kicked into overdrive this week with the start of my Zumba obession – thanks to many friends, and a persistent neighbor (also a WLS gal) who wasn’t allowing me to keep making excuses. Zumba is the $h!t! *lol* As much as I lovessssss me some belly dancing, I think I’ve taken on a new luv-ah! (even though some of the core techniques are the same – which is probably why i love it so much!) I’ll be going once a week, and also taking a step-class on an alternate day. There is nothing sexier than sweating off the pounds by shakin my booty-meat for an hour straight *lol* Nothin says “Sexy” like a sweaty love-cave *lmao*.
     
    60# to go!
     
    You know – I really thought that Miss Mojo was gone for good. I just hadn’t been feeling myself. More self conscious than I’ve EVER been in my LIFE. And it kinda saddened me. I was wondering if I would ever feel like that vivacious vixen ever again. But she is slowly-but- surely rearing her beautiful flame-haired self again. Now, I still have some concerns with saggy skin & what-not, but I’m actually very pleased w/how it’s coming off. I’m starting to have quite the svelte lil’ figure, if I might say so myself! Even my arm-flaps are fallin in to line.
     
    (Who says the shake weight doesn’t work?!)
     
    On another note: I’ve gotta say that this journey has been well-worth everything I’ve gone thru to get here. I’m at a
     
    VERY transitional time in my life altogether. This not having a 9-5 job has stressed me to no end.BUT, it has forced me to operate in my God-given gifts & talents.
     
    unique, artistic, handmade jewels...by MOI!
     
    My jewelry business is taking off to the sky, and my newest venture is off to a great running start. I’m always up for networking – so if you don’t know…NOW you know. Check them out! www.ggxjewels.com (unique, artistic, handmade jewelry) and www.present-this.com (virtual assistant services). Who woulda thunk I’d ever have to be FORCED into living my dream (and looking good doing it!?)
     
    Welp – that’s all that’s suitable for print right now… See y’all in ONEderland soon (29# to get there!)!!
     
     
  12. vanishingvixen
    I know it's been a minute since my last post. LAst week was a doozy for me. I had to prep for my first jewelry event. It was a SMASH, BTW! Added some cheese to my nest egg
     
    I've fallen off on the food journal over the last week (online), but have been writing it down in a notebook. i'm still on track. Pretty proud, too. Down 2 more lbs!
     
    I'll be back in regular posting mode this week.
     
    take a moment to check out the other part of my life here:
     

     

  13. vanishingvixen
    12# from my birthday goal of 235
     
     
     
     
     
    See that?
     
    The scale says 247#. *giggety* That is only TWELVE# away from the goal that I had set for myself before I ever even had the surgery: to be down to 235# by my birthday (which would be a total weightloss thus far of 75#). My birthday is in 3 weeks – February 1, to be exact (TAKE NOTES, ppl!)…and my goal…is…
     
    a
     
    very
     
    POSSIBLE
     
    reality!!
     
    ((Another note-worthy occurance: this week, I was able to sit with my LEGS CROSSED for the FIRST TIME. You know, all lady-like and such. WOOOTTTTTTTTT!!!! ))
     
    A very dear friend of mine *shout out to Tracey the Stinger* is kickin @$$ & taking names on her own weightloss journey (sans medical intervention, and PURE, hardcore working out/healthier eating habits). She writes weekly fitness notes, and has been such an inspiration to so many people. Self included. She says that putting it all out there helps her to remain accountable to herself and keep her on the path. So…
     
    I think in 2011, I will be a little more vocal about my goals, eating habits, fitness details. I know that I have folks around me who will chin-check me QUICK if I start to fall off b/c they DO want to see me succeed…so I think that will only help me to keep my focus, yanno? This next 12# shouldn’t be too hard. Over the past week, I’ve dropped about 5# – and that was after stalling for about 2 wks. I just have to remember to PAY ATTENTION to what I’m putting into my mouth and not going back to the bad habit of grazing. Healthy food or no – I need to a have a more regimented eating schedule. I’ve also upped my water intake which also helps when I’m feeling bitish… (Special K protein water packets are GREAT)
     
    I’m doing pretty well on the exercise tip. (Although, it’s also time to ramp that up). I’ve been stalling on the step-class with my neighbor, but she told me that they are about to start Zumba – so I’m so THERE when that starts. On a daily basis though, I do a few minutes with my shake-weight (to try and get these arm flaps under control) and some of my booty-building workouts via exercise tv. I’m motivated now more than ever – because I truly see that going the extra mile achieves results. Spring is just around the corner, and I FULLY plan to be in ONEderland by then. If I’m at a sz 18 now, I can already see myself slipping into a sz 14 come May. That is my WORD.
     
    Speaking of my birthday…knowing that my new “personal” year is upon me, it’s time to map out my vision for this upcoming year. Not just in terms of my health, but in terms of my overall attitude and mental/emotional/spiritual wellness… in terms of my jewelry biz (which has WAY fallen off in the wake of some hard-hitting life/family circumstances)…and my professional career. 2010 was a doozy – so if I made it thru that unscathed…I can make it thru anything.
     
    I’m more motivated than ever. I’m lookin pretty good, and feelin pretty good – but there is more work to be done. Much more work. Rome wasn’t built in a day, but it was built…steadily, day by day.
     
    I just want to again thank all the folks in my corner rooting for me. It has made all the difference in the world knowing that there are genuinely people who want to see me succeed in this new life that I’m carving out for myself. I have nothing but love for you all! (and I’m EVEN learning to love this journey as much as I’m loving the RESULTS)
     
     
     
    P.S. The Baltimore BEATDOWN is coming. It’s all RAVENS, baby. PITTiful-BURG: the dirty birds are comin for ‘dat @$$!!!
     
     
  14. vanishingvixen
    Just a quickie – since I realize it’s been a minute. My life is STILL chaotic, but my weightloss is on track, thank GOD. I can’t believe that come March 21, it will be 6 months since my life changing surgery. I am 73# down, and have lost more than half of what I need to make it to *my* goal. (My PCP wants me down to 160# which is fine – but I know once I get to 175, in MY head, I will be a TOTAL rockstar)
     
    I still have my eating issues (like being a perpetual “snacker” – even with healthy stuff), but for the most part, I’m extremely proud of myself. I’ve been spending time between home and The Big Apple, and I must say that the change of scenery has been EXCELLENT for my spirit, in terms of getting up & out & active…thus keeping the pounds coming off.
     
    I will say – I STILL can’t “see” the difference in my weight in terms of what I see in the mirror. *shrug* But the pictures don’t lie, eh?
     
     
     
     
    2 mnths pre-op & at my heaviest EVER: 310#
     
    Halfway there! (-70#)
     
    AFTER (well, “now”, at least)
     
    In any event – all is going well. Will update more in detail when time permits!
     
    BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY - HOW Y'ALL DOIN?!?!?!?
     
     
     
     
    Surgery Date: 9/21/10
    Dr. D. Halmi - Potomac Hosp. - Woodbridge, VA
    http://vanishingvixen.wordpress.com
     
     
    A
  15. vanishingvixen
    Seems like my post-revolt body didn't take too kindly to the Nemo Patty I had for dinner last night. Dude, my system had NO problem trying to evict that joint & all its baggage. *whew* Then, today, with my "healthy" lunch (rice w/veggies & chix, yummy waldorf salad, cherry pepsi zero), I wanted a handful of my "favorite" UTZ Smokin Sweet potato chips. 5 chips in, I realized that wasn't a good idea. *bubble guts* I guess that's a good thing. My body is reminding me to stay focused, even when my cravings are saying "Might I have another, please?" *in my best Madonna/british accent* Interesting how that works, huh? Now, if I could just find a pair of full body swimming SPANX (complete w/a pair of Tina Turner legs - because even "reduced fat" cottage cheese is still too much for some to digest)... A fatgirl can dream, can't she??
  17. vanishingvixen
    Check it out here: http://vanishingvixen.wordpress.com/category/food-journal/
     
    NOTE:
     
    What I'm eating may "seem" like alot - but TRUST - this is but a mere fraction of what I used to eat. I was given the advice to journal everything I eat, cut my portions & add water. (thanks @btrieger :thumbup:) I also check out my food choices on this site: http://caloriecount.about.com/
  18. vanishingvixen
    Being the Fat Mommy at the playground (with the cherubic angel faced albeit a lil chubby) is NO. FUN. It was a very rude awakening for me about how people look at fatties like myself. And even moreso at the kids of these fat parents - especially if they display one iota of being a little rounder than the other kids.
     
    My daughter is beautiful, outgoing, funny, loving, affectionate...but I caught the looks of other parents - at me, then her, then me again, then her again, then a shaking of the head or look of...pity. I mean, really?? I was the ONLY parent out in the play area running around with my child - yet they looked at me like I shoud be ashamed...for being fat, and for having the nerve to be seen in public running around with my lil chubby toddler.
     
    Now, in my defense - GiGi was in NYC being spoiled by Auntie and G'ma. She put on a few pounds BUT, that doesn't mean that she is destined to be a fat girl like her mother. I've seen a lot of chubby toddlers with SKINNY parents, and aint nobody giving THEM the gasface. *gasfacing the ppl that gave ME the gasface*
     
    I'm on this journey so that I can be healthy, and live longer and have the opportunity to enjoy playing with my growing child. Not only to mention, to teach her healthy eating & living habits. I'm overly concerned about her lot in life in terms of body type and (future) self image...which makes me super sensitive to things like what happened yesterday. I was litterally in tears when we left, and typing thru tear-filled eyes now.
     
    I'm on my way to a better life...and my not-even 2 year old daughter hopefully won't remember me as the Fat Mommy that everybody else sees...but as the woman who would do anything in the world for her. IDK...reality checks are the hardest to cash. This will only make me more determined to stay the course. And bring my entire family with me on the way.
     
    Today - I'm going to hold my head high as we venture to yet another mall. And I DARE a mofo to give me the Fat Mommy glare.
  19. vanishingvixen
    Vanishing Vixen.
     
    Vanishing…
     
    An interesting choice of adjectives for my new serial blogger moniker... as pointed out to me yesterday. I was asked if I would be “disappearing” my personality as well as my weight. :bored: *straightface* And was told (by someone that has known me for almost 20yrs) that I seem to be letting this journey get the best of me already...as if I plan to "vanish" into nothingness, or become a shrinking violet (AS IF!)*because* I'm so used to being a Big, Bold, Bodacious (sometimes brash, and VERY bossy *lol*) woman. Maybe the adjectives (all but the "big") that alot folk -self included- seem to think of me as… will indeed vanish when the weight starts coming off.
     
    *really ruminating & marinating on the implications*
     
    I mean, how much of my personality has been tied to my size? And has it been that way to mask insecurity, or just an extra measure of attention whorism? I have a hard time believing either of the two, really. While I do like to be complimented when I go the extra mile to be fully fabulous :tt1:(most of the time – yesterday, I looked like “Who slew Auntie Rue?” ‘s GRANDMOTHER *ugh*) , or my face beat like I'm a MAC Make-up artist, or I'm rocking some of my hottest GGX Jewels...what woman wouldn't want to be appreciated for her appearance? In fact, its also been pointed out that I have a hard time taking a compliment, and by NO means wish to be the center of attention when in a crowd or otherwise (unless we are talking about with my man, in the boudoir *smirk* :tt2:) Go figure. But... $h!t, I am who the hell I am. I AM cute. I AM sexy. I AM fabulous...I just haven't been feeling it as much lately. *shrug*
     
    It’s really made me think about this mental/emotional space I'm in. Does my larger-than-life, feisty personality seem to be shrinking (or vanishing, so to speak) much like I want my body to do? It’s been said that I seem to have been extremely hard on myself lately (more particularly, the last 6-9 mnths) in terms of my confidence, etc.
     
    Why is that?
     
    The fat ugly truth is a number of varied & sundry things. Alot not even having anything to do with my weight/size, so much as it has to do with other areas of my life. Some of which are totally unrelated, but are stressors none-the-less.
    I'm a wife (to man that works nights), still a relatively new "MeMe" (as she calls me) to a rambunxious lil 22mnt old squirt, I have a fairly stressful 9-5 career, on top of a jewelry biz that requires a lot of my time if I'm ever to make a go of it (why? Because *I* personally make everything myself. I’m not pushing other ppl’s wares, here). And a lot of times I feel ill-equipped to handle any of it - let alone all of it at once. *wooosahhhhh* So yeah, all of the combined stress (add to it this suck-@$$ economy) has a way of knockin a sistah off her game - in more ways than one. :tt2: So what on the surface may seem like one thing, is a culmination of others. And of course…I know. Things could ALWAYS be worse, so I AM grateful for my many blessings. There have just been a few "ah ha!" moments over the past year in particular, that made me realize that I am sooooo far from where I want (or planned) to be in my life at 35. Weight/health included. It be’s that way sometime. *shrug, again*
     
    IDK...
     
    Is it even really that serious? *lol*
     
    I'm hormonal this week. That may account for some of the bloggarhea today. Sometimes I just can't get out of my own head. But that doesn't make me crazy...it makes me human. And blogging it...helps me *relax.relate.release* it all.
    I'm not scared of what people will think of me for showing who I truly am. Good, bad, ugly, indifferent, confident, insecure, wealthy, poor, encouraged, defeated. It is what it is...and I am who I am. And what I've realized more than anything in my 5 or so years of bloggerdom, is that the folks who generally "seem" to have their $h!t together...don't. *lol* and sometimes are even more screwed up inside/in their life than me, or than they may ever let on to the world. The playing field is even, if you ask me.:glare: But nobody did [ask]... Oh well!
     
    I’m keeping on…keeping on…
  20. vanishingvixen
    This will be a quickie. I needed to purge my thought surrounding my first shopping trip yesterday.
     
     
    Given my previous post and the whole emotional roller coaster thing…I think retail therapy helped a bit. I have a wedding to go to this weekend, and don’t have anything to wear that FITS *grin*
    The big reveal. Standing in amazement! Size 20 Dress
     
     
     
    It amazes me that I’m already down a size (maybe 2, depending on how you look at it) in just under a month (starting with the pre-op liquid diet on 9/7). To try on a size 20 dress, then a size 18?? After I have been wearing a 22 or 24 (depending on the cut)…totally made my day!
     
     
    Im certain the size 18 dress was cut WAY big, but still…Just looking at myself in it…thinking “wowwwwwwwwwwwwww”. I couldn’t stop smiling… I’ve even noticed that my knees & back aren’t hurting as much. I guess 30# can make all the difference in the world.
    BOOYAH! *lol*
     
     
    Today, was kinda “blah” for me though. Wasn’t feeling myself. Headache. Low energy. Nauseous. But I’m sure there will be highs and lows. My first follow-up appt is on Tuesday, so we’ll see what Doc has to say. I’m kinda nervous about eating food again after having NOT for a month. Especially after that chicken salad incident…but we’ll see.
     
     
    I guess other than that, everything is ok.
    I’m looking forward to many more milestones and shopping sprees. And I can’t WAIT to to rock my new SIZE 18 dress at the wedding. *super smile* Nope. Folks ain’t ready…
    Yup - wearing this to the wedding!
     
     
    Thanks again for all of the encouragement, and for taking this ride with me. It’s gonna be full of ups & downs…but it’s sure to be memorable!
  21. vanishingvixen
    Today, my love affair with food ended. He has always been the one constant in my life. And like any other relationship I've had, we'll probably try to make it work a few more times, before it resonates in my spirit that... it. is. indeed. OVER. Not because I want it to be, but because it HAS to be. *sigh*What once consumed almost every thought & desire...will give way to a new, enlightened way of thinking, living, and being.
     
     
    Health, is my NEW man. The lover of my soul and my future.
    Gone will be the days of secretly spooning in the bed with and entire bag of UTZ Sour Cream & Onion chips, or making out with my homegirl Lil' Deb *holla*. I'll have to pass on the cupcakeS, and be content with just one, on occasion - Not the 3 or 4 or 7 a week as I have done in the past.
     
     
    And like any relationship when it ends, I have to look at myself in the mirror as a newly "single" woman, wipe away the tears, and acknowledge how difficult the road ahead would be without my tried & true Lover. Food has been there at the ready to comfort me through it all: the heartache, the heart break, disappointments, and even the times of celebration. But now, I have to learn to put the relationship in it's proper place: one of necessity, not over-indulgence... One of sustenance, not sabotage.
     
     
     
    Of course, I still have to meet up with food - a more casual relationship of sorts. I just can no longer take it as my "one & only". *sigh*
     
     
    It's been a long time coming. 15 years or more. It was inevitable. And no matter how I've tried to fight it, I knew that at some point in life I would have to choose. I'll take an infamous line from Samantha Jones here (Sex & The City, SHEESH!):
     
     
     
    [Dear Food,]
     
     
    "I love you...But I love ME more." *xoxo*
     
     
    Yours in Health & Fabulousness,
     
     
    Vixen
  22. vanishingvixen
    *re-posted from the forum for posterity*
     
    7# down and ret-ta-go!!
     
    I guess there is something to this pre-op liquid diet after all. Granted, I sorta kinda cheated, but not really cheated. I replaced 2 lean proteins (egg beaters in the am, a skinless boneless chix breast in the pm)…which helped me stay better on target during the rest of the day. After doing my research on the liver shrinking diets (the entire point of the pre-op diet, so the liver is more out of the way – ie: less FATTY), I decided that I could do that without detriment to the process. Must be working! I was told today “well, at least you were smart about it”. Funny thing? I think I’m gonna forgo the substitutions from here on out. I was so excited w/the small goal – that it broadened my veiw of the bigger picture. So, I’m all in! Let’s ger ‘er done!:thumbup1:
     
     
    One week from today…the physical transformation begins where the mental one began 6 months ago. 9/21 – Surgery Day *woot & giggety*
    Today I had my final nutrition class and met w/the anesthesiologist. Everyone in there is scheduled for surgery next week, so I have a few buddies to walk the halls w/on Tuesday (since they will be getting us up to walk almost immediately afterwards). IDK how I end up w/the group of class clowns – but it made for a good time of bonding, musing, and well-wishes for the future. Good information, good vibes, and really…a bunch of excitement. I was also able to pre-register (which will give me an extra 45 mins of sleep time that morning), so all I have to do is show up Tuesday and go right to the surgical suite. Time to get this party started!!!
     
     
    I can hardly believe that this is REALLY going to happen. I mean, to get a grip on the fact that this time next year – I will be close to half the size I am today is…unreal. *eyes watering*:001_wub: I’m at a loss for words, really. Just thankful for those on this journey with me in spirit, and in sisterhood…old friends who have had my back, and new ones to take my hand.
     
     
    This is a happy time, but there is also a lot of work to do. It’s not lost on me that some folks -however well meaning in their “encouragement” – still still seem to think the surgical option to help get the weight off is a cop out. I won’t even get into the superiority complex :drool5: Far be it from me to say they aren’t entitled to their opinion (after all, just like @$$holes, we’ve all got one, right?) But for ME, I felt it the best way to expediciously put a halt to some of my immediate ailments (mainly neck, back/spinal issues, hip, knee pain that dr’s were discussion surgery for. So, surgery to fix an ailment that would only reoccur b/c of the weight? Or surgery to jumpstart the process of getting the weight off so I wouldn’t need numerous other more invasive surgeries in the future?) and get me on the right track for my future. Working this tool the way it is supposed to be worked w/healthy habits & lifestyle… exercise…is. A. MUST.
     
    Before I forget – the physical trainer they have at my surgical center that spoke today? Used to weigh 500#. And decided AGAINST weight loss surgery. She quit her job, and has lost over 300# – she looks freakin AMAZING. IDK how many of us can afford to quit our jobs to lose weight, but she did. She is a domestic violence survivor that packed on 260+ pounds as a coping mechenism during a bad marriage. She decided to make this her life’s work – helping design exercises and workouts for those of us fatty’s will some restrictions due to injuries, ailments, etc. She knows what it’s like to be fat and try to do jumping jacks…and she said that a lot of the exercises that other trainers (who most likely have always been athletic/healthy) try to get folks fatty’s to do – sometimes do more harm than good to their bodies. She is sensitive – but honest – and will help you do the work. And I can’t WAIT to hut her Zumba class…(Check her out if you’re in the woodbridge area. Her name is Amy – and her info is on the bluepointgroup.com website) She is totally amazing and inspiring…I may have decided on the surgical route for my own personal reasons, but I still hope to be just a much of an inspiration to someone, someday.
     
    Any way…I was just feeling so full that I needed to get it out. These rants & musings are a key part of my journey, and will no doubt become more frequent along the transformation process. Stay tuned…
    (I know this post was all over the place – but I was excited and full of emotion. I know y’all understand me)
  23. vanishingvixen
    // Preface: I’m sitting in McDonald’s THOROGHLY enjoying the Filet-o-fish I’ve been craving. Not guilty, not ashamed. Twas my reward for losing 5lbs since 3/1/10. Now, the loss coulda been attributed to the little revolt my body staged over the past 3 days, but I was determined to get me that tasty brick-o-minced Nemo. I know – I have a long way to go, but little “rewards” like this, make it easy to keep going. All I have to do is keep doing what I’ve done the past 2 wks – make better, healthier daily choices, ramp up the physical activity, and keep my eyes on the prize. All the while still allowing treats for mini-victories along the way. Carpe Diem & Viva la Fishie! :wink2://
     
     
     
     
    Now, today was my surgical consult. Long story short, it marked the official start of part 1 of my journey (pre-approval) :thumbup:. On 3/29, I have my Pulmonary Consult, 4/5 my sleep study, 4/6 starts the 1st of the 3-month multi-disciplinary weight-loss program required by my insurance company.
     
     
     
     
     
    It’s amazing how fairly quickly this is all coming together. There is still a lot of work to be done (on my end, in terms of eating habits, exercising, etc), but knowing is half the battle. And if all goes according to plan, I’m looking at a surgery date somewhere around mid-late August. *woot*
     
     
     
     
     
    I will say, the surgeon suggested that "gastric bypass would probably be the better option" for me since ideally *he* would like to see me lose 125-130#. I get it. BUT, he said that I need to make the decision I feel is best for me…and that is what I’m doing. So lap band, it is. I was told to expect the weightloss of about 80-100lbs over the next 12-18mnths, and that (plus any additional is still up to me and my “new healthier lifestyle”) I CAN gain all the weight back if I don’t stay on the path *duly noted*
     
     
     
     
    I can’t begin to say how excited I am. How nervous. How elated. How scared. How…EVERYTHING I am. I just know that whatever happens…there is no turning back Not now. Not ever…:tongue2:
     
     
     
     
    Besides, Geeyonce waits for no one. The rebirth is upon us. Followed by The unveiling, coming to a blog near you: May 2011. *giggety giggety*
     
     
     
     
    P.s. After eliminating white sugar from my diet for 2 wks, the McD’s sweet tea was too much for my tastebuds *blech* NEVER thought I’d see the day I could/would give that up. Only 5 swigs, and I was d.un. Ill take unsweetend w/splenda from here on out… Pls &thk u!
  24. vanishingvixen
    10/2009
     
    Take a good look. This is what Morbid Obesity looks like.
     
    Let me preface this by saying that at first I was going to keep it all a hush-hush big super secret squirrel secret. But I figured blogging would not only help me chronicle my journey, but serve as a sounding board. Of course I run the risk of opening myself up to criticism and negativity. But I figured…they talked about Jesus they’ll talk about me too. And what’s more is – I really don’t give a rat’s sweaty nads. *shrug*
     
     
    With that said…
    I’ve never had a problem with being full-figured. In fact, I’ve embraced it. It’s a part of the me that I’ve been proud to be. Even flaunted my curves. And its not like I’ve been starved for attention. Most…well, a lot (only basing on what I’ve been told) of men (women too) think that I’m (are you ready for this?) SEXY. I’m not bragging at all…but can you imagine? Me, at 298lbs…on a 5′3″ frame. What doctors frown at in disapproval. What some people in public look at in disgust…but yet others…desire. To this day. As recently as an hour ago.
     

    8/2008


     
     
     
    *smh kinda confused*
    Admittedly, I’ve thought the same thing for a long time. My self esteem has remained in its proper sometimes over-elevated place. The men folk (husband included) never seemed to have had a problem with it, so I never had a problem with it…
     
     
    Until now. I’m at my biggest ever. Almost 30lbs more than I weighed when I was 9 months pregnant (2 years ago). I’m uncomfortable. I don’t like what I see in the mirror any more. My feet hurt. My knees ache. (ironically enough, the VERY reason why working out has been such a chore – that aside from time: 9-5 job, jewelry biz, almost 2 year old daughter, and a hubby that works nights/weekends). And now, my once high (sometimes too high) self esteem has taken a nosedive. So what to do??
     
     



    9/2002
     
     
     
    I’ve done the diets, the shakes, the cleanses, the “lifestyle change”, the pills, the work-out regimen, etc… Something has to be done. NOW. So after about 6 months of mulling it over, I’ve opted to have the LAP-BAND®®® surgery. In fact, that’s the entire reason for this blog. My goal is 75-100lbs. Realistically, at 200lbs, I’ll still be +size…but ALOT better off than I am now.
     
     
    I’m making a decision to better my life, and thereby, my family’s life. I will learn healthier habits to pass on to my daughter and share with my husband, as well as actually be around a lot longer to see her grow up, and grow into the olden golden years with her daddy. This vixen, is about to change her game up, for good.
     
     
    I have my physical exam and initial info session at the Bariatric Surgeon’s office on Monday. Then comes the consult to chart the path forward, counseling, etc. I will join the Million Pound Challlenge to help get me started on the right track. But that’s Monday – and it’s going to be a life-changing day. So this weekend, I’m gettin it in. *lol* I’m gonna eat what I want…probably for the last time (at least for a long time); Celebrate my 35th bday (late, bc of all the snow) and celebrate in anticipation of a new life and a new, even sexier, healthier me… I’m excited.
     
     
    I can only pray that by sharing this journey, it will garner some support & encouragement from friends, acquaintances, and strangers alike. But even if it doesn’t, it’s no skin off my teeth. I’m CERTAIN that my words will touch or encourage SOMEONE out there.
     

    1/2010


     
     
    Beauty can be found at ANY size. From a size 6 to 26. However, HEALTH cannot. And that’s all its about for me. Taking off some pounds to add some years to my life.
    Phine, re-defined… *sexy grin*
  25. vanishingvixen
    [8/12/10]
     
    I realized today as I was getting dressed that I always seem to go the “extra mile” when it comes to my appearance on days I go to the doctor. Today I meet w/my bariatric surgeon & dietician on the path forward. Sept 21 will be here before I know it!
     
     
    But back to appearance – it just dawned on me that I think I go all extra on days I know I’m going to the Fatty Doc, bc I feel like my “cute” will somehow overshadow my “fat” – which is often…or at least SOMEtimes the case in the real world. But at a bariatric Dr.’S office – they rarely see the “cute” – if at all, and mostly only see a person that they are glad had sense enough to do something major, about a major health crisis.
    *sigh*
     
    I’m good at being fat. Have been fat my entire life. And though after all is said & done a year from now, for all intents & purposes – I’ll still be a fat girl…but a lot healthier one (and 75-100 lighter). It didn’t hit me until today that this will most likely be my last “uncomfortable, morbidly obese, disgusted with myself and how big I’ve gotten” summer. This time next year – I won’t be so cramped in the metro seat as I blog by crackberry, ill be walking taller w/a lil more pep in my step, AND I will have ridden the rollercoasters that I haven’t been able to get on for the past 5 yrs – at least a thousand times.
     
     
    While still struggling with some future vanity concerns and how ill feel in my new body – I’m still excited. & optimistic that this was the best decision for ME.
     
     
    I know I’m cute (most of the time)…but for so long the magnitude of my good-lookigness has been overshadowed by my weight.
     
    Get. Ready. Here she comes… *doin my Geyonce dance* uh oh uh oh uh oh…

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