MarySue33

Truer words have never been spoken!

I've got a hunch that the judge will probably eventually ask the daughter who she wants to live with and that person will get the house. At her age, it is not uncommon for the court to take their feelings into heavy consideration. I'm not sure that your (very smart, btw!) solution would work with these two, though, as he doesn't seem to have respect for her or for any boundaries. Maybe down the road when some of the emotional scars have healed, but I suspect they need to live apart for a while just to allow her to become a little more empowered and for him to realize that he is not in control of everything. I have had two friends who have tried something rather unique and it works for them -- the kids stay in the house full time and mom and dad 'rotate' out of the house on alternate weeks. I doubt it would work for me, as I would not want to be on the move every other week, but I guess if you think of it like being away on business travel, it is workable -- just expensive. I like your idea, though...and it sounds like a great one...as long as you have two mature adults involved. I can see it working really well in certain situations. Kudos to you guys for having the maturity to pull it off! Just because the two of you cannot be married doesn't mean the kids have to suffer. Way to go!

You already know what I think, but I will reiterate it here. One of you needs to get out of the house and he needs to start paying temporary child support and possibly maintenance/alimony until things are final. If not, this is going to turn into "The War of the Roses" if you let it. I would not respond to his emails -- it just gives him a little bit more control. I know that you don't want to disrupt things for your daughter, but whether you realize it or not, every day that the two of you live like this just adds chaos to her life. I am always amazed at how much people don't think their kids know -- especially at the age that your daughter is. She knows what is going on. You may think that the two of you are handling this in a way that is hiding it from her, but she knows far more about what is going on between the two of you than you ever can realize. Trust me...she knows. Goodness...my daughter knew that my ex was having an affair a year before I knew. I found out a year after I divorced him -- that's when it finally came out. I didn't think she knew everything that was going on -- boy was I surprised. I have seen it happen time and time again with friends who 'think' they are shielding their kids from the upheavals of marital problems. I have yet to see any of them that were actually able to pull it off. This is not a healthy environment for her or for you and as long as the two of you are under the same roof, things will not change. I know that you think that all of this will be final in a few months, but based on the information you have shared about his controlling and manipulative nature, you may be looking at a long road ahead -- especially if you do not force his hand. Right now he is still controlling things and he will continue to do so until you show him that you mean business -- that you get court ordered support and that you (yes...here I go again) GET HIM OUT OF THE HOUSE. My kids and I were hardly in imminent danger when I went to court to get the financial arrangements squared away and got possession of the house, but it was an almost automatic first step according to my attorney. He is sucking you in way too much emotionally through all of this. Don't let him have that control. He lives for those reactions that he knows he will get from you, as that validates the fact that this very insecure man has power over you. The only way that he can keep this power is if you continue to allow it to happen. I think I shared this early on...but keep in mind the words of wisdom that I got from my attorney when I got my divorce. From this point forward, it is practical and financial...NOT emotional. You're letting him get to you emotionally. As long as you do, things will never change. One more time (said the broken record) ...he needs to go...and soon. Hugs, MarySue

TO MY LAP BAND FRIENDS MAY YOUR STUFFING BE TASTY, MAY YOUR TURKEY BE PLUMP. MAY YOUR POTATOES 'N GRAVY HAVE NARY A LUMP, MAY YOUR YAMS BE DELICIOUS, MAY YOUR PIES TAKE THE PRIZE, MAY YOUR THANKSGIVING DINNER STAY OFF YOUR THIGHS This year, for the first time ever...it WILL! Happy Thanksgiving!!

Thank you for this wonderful post!

I am newly banded, but I am averaging over 3# per week loss and I have felt some restriction from day one. I have lost my hunger and cravings and there are certain foods that don't go down well already. I do not feel that I am dieting -- but I am certainly not eating in the same way that I ate before October 9th. Every once in a while my 'head' makes me think I want to eat something crappy and everytime I do, I pay for it. I actually slimed last night when I made a bad food choice (both in volume and in type of food). That said, I am able to eat healthy things -- just less of them -- and I am not hungry at all between meals. I am scheduled for my first fill on 12/1. At that time, I plan to tell my doctor about how it is working for me and to see if he even thinks I need a fill. At most, I would be looking at a very tiny fill -- but I surely do not want to end up not being able to get anything down after it. My doctor has said that he has had a few patients who have done great without a fill -- that they felt restriction from day one -- but that they were the exception, rather than the rule. I know how Josephine was flamed when she said that she had her band and never had a fill, so please do not do that. Like her, I have always been able to lose the weight -- just not to keep it off. That is why I got the band. In reading different posts from different people on this forum, it is very apparent that each of us have different experiences with the band. Just because she has not needed a restriction is no reason to go on the attack. Would it be any different if someone said they needed 3 fills vs. 2 fills vs. 5 fills? That is what it seems like. I know I am new at this, but if my band is working for me the way it is right now, I tend to think 'if it ain't broke, don't fix it'. To me, that is the beauty of the band -- that it is an adjustable tool. Your thoughts? (Be kind, please!)

Plus, they taste like crap! I hate the chalky flavor. I have a great, tasty alternative. I have found nothing else that compares in taste. Check out www.slimscript.com. (And no...I do not work for them...I just drink one of their protein shakes every day and they are GOOD!)

GET HIM OUT OF THE HOUSE...NOW!!!! I would not leave...I would get your lawyer to get him out. Typcially (and I know that every state is different) mom can get temporary possession of the house during the divorce proceedings. And if he tells the kids...he tells the kids. You cannot let that hang over your head. He has been playing them all along -- from the Disneyland dad stuff to boo hooing and telling them that he was willing to try, but you were not. The best thing to do is probably to beat him to the punch. Sit down and tell them that you can no longer stay married to their dad. Reiterate (again and again) that it is not about them...it is about you...and about him. Don't be surprised if he prints the entire thread and shares it with the family at Thanksgiving. That has been his MO to date -- rally the support around poor, pitiful him whose wife is not giving him a chance. Also, do not be surprised if three days from now he is remorseful and sad and begging you to give him another chance. If he does bring it up to the kids, you might want to share (without bashing, if possible) that you were willing to try...and that you were willing to give it a chance...against your better judgment...because you thought that it would make them happy. Their dad has pulled everyone he knows into this and we are your friends and this is no different...that everyone needs a support group...and we are yours. They may be angry or hurt (especially if he has been filling their heads with crap for the past few months) but, trust me, they WILL eventually see him for the control freak that he is. It may not be today...it may not be tomorrow...but as they get older they will see it. I would tell them that you were willing to give it a try...but that this time their dad crossed the line and was spying on you...even though you were not doing anything wrong. It will be extremely painful at first...but you WILL get through it and your kids will eventually see him for the control freak that he is. I would stand my ground, though, and get HIM to leave the house. You need a home base and a sanctuary where you can feel safe and secure that he will not take or destroy things or that he will not be monitoring your every move. Something you may want to consider...this is a public forum and now that he knows where it is, he can access it. Perhaps PMs are the way to go from this point forward. I would also probably change any passwords I have and I would NOT type a thing that is private from your home computer...but do it from the library, just in case he has spyware that monitors keystrokes on your home computer. We're here for you...and I know EXACTLY what you are going through. The holidays will be difficult, but you WILL get through this. Hugs...

I was 100% sure until about four days before surgery...then I started to question this whole idea. I am only 40 days post-op and I have lost 20# as of this morning (haven't updated my ticker yet). Everything you read here about not being hungry and not wanting to eat everything in sight is true. I was trying to explain it to my mom and her first response was, "Well...that's not my problem. I don't eat because I am hungry...I eat because I am (insert emotion here...bored, it looks good, tired, out of habit, etc.)" She is right. I remember telling my dr that I didn't really know what hungry felt like, nor did I really know what full felt like. I knew what stuffed felt like and having to take a deep breath to shovel in those last few bites when I was already ready to burst, but I never stopped eating when I was full before this. I am lucky in that I am one of the folks who has felt restriction even before getting my first fill. I doubt it is anything close to the restriction that those who are filled feel, but it has been at least enough to be a bit of a speed bump along the way. (I am scheduled for my fill on December 1st.) Like you, I could have done another round of WW or NS or JC, but that would have just been delaying the inevitable yoyo upswing. I have come to realize that if I could have lost the weight and kept it off without the band, I would have done so one of the countless times I have lost 40-50#. I can't. I need this as my not-so-gentle reminder where my limits are and when to stop. Would I do it again? In a heartbeat...and once I lose the weight and they start asking how I did it, I will share my 'secret' with obese family and friends, as I would love them to start feeling as good as I already do.

I have to reiterate Barbara's advice -- especially about the fact that in a few years the kids will both be grown and it will be just the two of you left to grow old together. Make sure that is how you want to spend your 'golden years'. I think right now you need to remember that you are in the driver's seat. If he wants to come back and to give it another try, it needs to be on your terms. If I were in your shoes, one of the 'terms' that I would require would be that your marriage and the work you are doing on it NOT be subject to a committee review -- and that if it is going to be successful the ups and downs of the next several months need to be betwen the two of you and not subject to family review. Otherwise, it will never work. While he says he can change, keep in mind that change takes time and that his true colors will surface over time. If the change is real, it will endure; if not, you will see it over time. Should the day come that the two of you DO decide to part ways for good, next time if I were you I would insist that the two of you live apart during the process. These past few months have taken a tremendous emotional toll on you. Divorce is hard enough without all of the extra drama that you had to endure. Ultimately, you need to do what is best for you and for your children. Sometimes, what is best for your children is not staying together, but letting them be part of two separate, but happy loving families instead of ONE that is 'broken' with everyone living under the same roof. God bless you...you're in our prayers.

Here is a pic of mine that (hopefully) you can actually see. It is a tiger in the shape of a butterfly. I love the coloring and shading that he did. This tattoo is about 10 years old and the colors are as bright as they were the day I got it. I love big cats and I love butterflies, so this was a way to combine both into one. Since the butterfly is a symbol of rebirth and metamorphosis, it is perfect for my weight loss journey. It is high up on my thigh. I always tell folks that my tattoo is for viewing 'by invitation only' -- and like so many others who have posted here, I find that folks are absolutely shocked to learn that am among the tattooed! (My mom doesn't know yet...and I have had it for 10 years. She may be Enlightened in about a month, though, as we are all going on vacation together and I expect to spend some time on the beach in a bathing suit!)

Darcey...it's beautiful!

Ugh...they would drive me absolutely nuts! I am glad that I read your post this morning because after seeing the Lap Band commercial on TV I was starting to toy with the idea of 'going public' with my banding. Your post reminded me why I am keeping this a secret until I am at goal and have been there for a while. Right now, the only people who know about it are my parents, my kids and three friends who live far out of state and who don't know any of my other friends. One of them was starting to drive me nuts with his constant quizzing of "How much more weight is off now?" in EVERY phone call or email. I don't know if this would work for relatives without causing a family battle, but just the other day I told him to knock it off -- that if there was an 'announcement' to be made, he would certainly be the first to know, but to stop nagging at me. He started to protest telling me that he 'only' (gotta love when they qualify rude behavior with that) was trying to be helpful. I told him that there was a big difference between helpful and nagging and that I was beginning to wish I had never told him. That shut him up and he has not asked again. Again, easier to do with friends than with family -- especially DH's family -- and especially if they 'think' they are being helpful. Can hubby gently intercede or would that not be worth the hard feelings that it might cause?

Two comments from me... First of all...Roxy's friend wasn't so far off...it really was a knifing incident...but in my case it was a knifing and a forking and a spooning that caused those scars... On the dating question... I am a 47 year old single mom, (divorced for just a little over 10 years now), not quite 5'2" and have been between 75-100# overweight for the past 22+ years (which means I am as wide as I am tall). I have been in some great relationships with some great men over those years and actually get asked out a lot more than a lot of skinnier women I know. I have been proposed to multiple times -- and by some great men -- but I have opted to remain single until my kids are grown. (Been there, done that with the whole blending of a stepfamily thing and I have decided my kids don't need to be put through that ever again.) It's not because I am a raving beauty...but because I am confident, fun to be with, have a great smile and I am genuinely nice to people. In fact, one of my skinny friends' husbands told her that I am one of THE sexiest women he has ever met. He told her that five minutes after meeting me, most guys wouldn't even care one bit about my weight. (I was extremely flattered at that one, as you might guess!) I have had several very slim and physically attractive women ask me what my secret is. I tell them that there IS no secret. You just need to be yourself, be genuine and, above all, be CONFIDENT. (Whoever said 'fake it til you make it' is absolutely right!) I have a co-worker who could be a model -- she is that physically attractive -- but she cannot get a guy to ask her out more than twice before she never hears from him again. Why? Because what she has is only skin deep. What WE have is the real thing. We fat (and soon-to-be-formerly fat) girls have an HUGE (no pun intended) advantage here, ladies. Use it to your advantage. Having been the 'fat one' of the group, we always had to make sure that if they weren't going to like what they saw on the outside, they were going to like us for who we were on the inside. We have been the subject of shallow folks' prejudices. We know what it is like and, hopefully, we do not treat others the way that we have been treated by some. We are the folks who are typically in the caring professions or who know the value and importance of volunteering and non-profit work. We are the unselfish ones who have always put others first (sometimes to our detriment) and the ones with the big hearts and the warm smiles. If you look at a lot of the 'after' pics of folks who have lost a lot of weight, you will see that underneath all that flab that we are losing are some absolutely beautiful people -- on the inside AND -- once we shed those layers of fat -- everyone else will be able to see it, too. How many times have you heard the 'you have such a pretty face' line from well-meaning (but ill-mannered) family and friends? Well...we not only have those pretty faces, we have those awesome fat girl personalities, too! So...hold your head high, smile, make eye contact, say hello to that stranger, walk with a purpose -- EXUDE CONFIDENCE no matter what you weigh. Even at our heaviest we can still take pride in our appearances. The things that really matter won't cost an extra dime. Curl your hair, throw on a little make up, accessorize a bit, pamper yourself and SMILE! We've got it going on, ladies...don't hide behind your body...embrace it at ANY size! You're worth it. Trust me...confidence is the sexiest attribute there is. If we're this sexy now...just wait until we are buying things from the regular sized ladies departments...we'll be unstoppable!

I have only been banded a little over a month, but I have only told 3 friends (who live far away and don't know any of my other friends), my kids and my parents. I have chosen not to say anything at this point for a couple of reasons -- 1) Family and friends have watched me try dozens of diets and, while I have always lost weight, I have always gained it back and the last thing I want my skinny sister or her obnoxious husband to do is to roll their eyes and send the big "Here she goes again...let's see how long THIS one lasts" message. 2) I do not want to be watched like a hawk and to be quizzed as to whether or not I should be eating a particular item or be interrogated regularly about 'have you lost another pound yet???' In fact, one of the three friends I told is driving me nuts with this. I finally told him to back off and if I lose another pound he will be the first to know -- until then...don't ask! Now I wish I had only told two friends! I don't plan to keep it a secret forever, but I do want to get the weight off and KEEP it off for at least a year before I start espousing the wonders of the band to family and friends. The proof will be in my success and it will speak for itself. That way there will be no eye rolling and snickering about 'here she goes again'. I just don't need that in my life at this time. I can completely understand where Kat is coming from, though, too. I would be far more inclined to share this info with strangers than with family, friends or co-workers for some reason. I do have one cousin who I will probably tell sooner than the rest, as she and I have had parallel struggles with our weight and share the same family issues and backgrounds that probably helped us to have the screwed up view of food that we do. I love her and I want her to live for a very long time. I just didn't tell her yet because I do not want to burden her with having to keep that secret if folks in our family start to comment about my weight loss. Anyway...I know that is long...but that is why I opted to keep mine a secret...for now, anyway.

I had a month of 'last suppers' before I was banded. It was a lot like my old pre-banding 'I'll start my diet on Monday' sort of eating when I would totally pig out the weekend before I 'planned' to start dieting, only to fall off the wagon by Wednesday and pig out again until the following Monday. As crazy as this sounds, I think my 'feeding frenzy' prior to being banded probably served a good purpose, as I ate so much crap that the thought of it was starting to nauseate me even before I had my surgery. (Of course, I was worried that I was going to have a heart attack or a stroke from living in drive-thru heaven for those weeks...but it made me get really, really sick of the things I used to love to eat.) The good news is that even after having been banded only a little over a month, I do not have the desire for those things anymore. Last night -- for the first time ever in my entire life -- I went to the 'healthy' grocery store on my way home from work and did not buy one single unhealthy thing. This is a total 180 degrees from my pre-banding shopping days. This thing is amazing!

I do have one kind of related funny story to share about a lady at my old church who lost a ton of weight back when Oprah was doing the Optifast thing and it was all the rage. She lost a TON of weight and lost it really fast but, like the rest of us, did not want to go out and spend $$ on a new wardrobe every 10-15 pounds. Well...we were at church and she went up to the altar and knelt down to take communion. When she stood up, her pants dropped right to her ankles in front of the whole congregation! She had a great sense of humor and took it in stride. She said that she thought maybe God was sending her a sign that it was time to spend a little money on some new clothes!

I am working my way back down through my sizes -- I have a closet packed with clothes from size 22 down to size 14 (that is the smallest I have been in 20 years). Right now, though, I am at a funny in-between size. My 20's look awful because they are too loose and give me the bag lady look and most of my 18's are just a little too tight. I have one pair of black slacks and two lightweight black sweaters that I switch out on a daily basis and just throw a different jacket, blazer or sweater over them every day. I asked my assistant if it is obvious that I am wearing the same thing every day, but just with a different jacket and she said that she had not even noticed, so that's good, at least. Once I get to the point where something is too loose, I am going to do something I have never done before -- get rid of the bigger sizes and never look back because I am never heading back up that direction again!

I will have my first fill on December 1st. For about a week I toyed with the idea of not getting a fill due to the fact that I already have some restriction, but I'm with Lisa...this past month has felt too much like dieting to me. That is not why I got the band...I got it to remind me in a not so subtle way what happens if I fall off the wagon like I usually do when I diet. I want to get the optimal benefit from it so I am going to get the fill. I asked my doctor what was the typical number of fills a person gets before they hit the sweet spot and he said that he has had a few people never get a fill because they have enough restriction with just the band. I definitely have restriction with just the band, but I just want to let it do its job and to use it as the tool that I need to KEEP me on this track.

We're here for you, girlie...and no...this is not crazy at all. It is very, very typical. I know that in my own case we tried a couple of reconciliations -- even after I had moved away to another state. Like you, I wanted to make sure in my heart that I had given the marriage a fair chance once things started going downhill. I agree with Kat that your kids will appreciate the fact that you were willing to give him another chance. I'm with you, though, on the putting the divorce on hold. That's what we did. He may not like it, but I think that it is one thing you should hold your ground on. Your friends may think you are nuts, but you have to do what you believe is best for you and your family. If you do not feel in your heart that you gave it 100%, then I would say to give it another try. Good luck...we are here for you!

We're band-day twins! I was banded the same day as you were. Wow...you have inspired me to take my first set of 'after' pics. I, too, am amazed at the differences in me already. I am already down 18# and had two different people mention to me today how they are noticing that I am losing weight. My energy levels are amazing. I, too, had my 'runner' bring me everything as I sat in the recliner with my feet up grumbling about how much my knees ached. I can't wait until December 9th at this rate!

I agree completely with Bullwinkle. For your sanity and for the mental well being of your daughter through this entire process I would do anything in my power to get him out of the house -- especially since you have indicated that he actually has a place he could stay. I have been thinking of you so much lately and I hope that things have settled down a wee bit. Hugs, MarySue

They vote in the schools here, too, but at least we have the good sense to give the kids a day off when the schools are open to anyone and everyone off the street. In this day and age with all of the concerns about both the safety of the children in the schools and all of the loose cannons out there, that is crazy!

I have one on my thigh...which, next to my stomach is the fattest part of my body. I love my tattoo and I sure hope that it doesn't change as I shrink. (It is my new avatar.) I actually plan to reward myself with another one once I lose my weight. I have had the design picked out for years, but had always tried to use it as motivation to lose weight and said that if I got down to 150# again I would get it. Now it will finally be a reality thanks to the band!

Hang in there and stay strong. He is still playing the games and, sadly, using the kids as the pawns. As hard as it is, I would not try to justify or defend anything that you suspect he is badmouthing you about. Just keep being there for your kids -- they are going to need you to be their rock, especially after the novelty of being Disneyland Dad wears off or when he gets mad again because things are not going his way in the divorce proceedings. You will look better in the long run to the kids if you just stay strong and make sure that they always know you are there for them. Otherwise it will become a tit for tat battleground and the kids will be smack dab in the middle of it. I would just keep reminding them that you love them and that nothing in your relationship with them has changed -- nor will it. You might want to say that you know that this is a confusing time for them, but also remind them that just because you and their dad will no longer be together that you will ALWAYS be there for them. Let them know that you love them -- and it doesn't have to be with dinner out and movies. When I was first divorced, I found more 'free' things to do with my kids than you could have imagined. Granted, they were younger so it was easier to convince them to do those sorts of things with mom, but I still do 'freebies' with my kids now and they are 22 and 16. It can be as simple as sitting down and making a 'date' to watch a TV show with your daughter every week. With your son, it might be as simple as baking a batch of his favorite Cookies and sending them to him as a 'care package', like our parents used to do when we were in college. It's the little stuff that will make all the difference in the world. These are the things they will remember and your consistency will be what helps them through this. As far as the financial end goes, what if you stopped paying your half of the bills for now -- with the exception of gas and food? He will squawk, but let him. I doubt he will let the utilities get turned off or the mortgage go unpaid. You can play hardball, too. If he gives you grief about it, tell him to have his attorney talk to yours. I'll bet that if there is an inequity in the salaries, they surely won't expect you to be 50% responsible for things like loans, credit cards, mortgage and utilities. If nothing else, it will show him that you are not going to take his shenanigans lying down and that you are, indeed, a force to be reckoned with. Don't get sucked into an emotional war of words over it...just stop paying your half of the bills. He'll huff and puff and stomp around, but so what? He's already doing that. If nothing else, you will have one less area where you are stressed. Other than that, just keep letting your kids know that you love them. That is the biggest thing. If one of them says something inaccurate that sounds like it is totally untrue, you might want to just say, "Where did you get that idea?" ...and then set the record straight without any badmouthing. Just the facts, ma'am...just tell them what the true story is without any blame or malice toward dad. That would be the absolute MOST that I would get into discussion with them...but even then, it is tricky. Do not bring the topics up or lead them into talking about it. That is not fair to them. They already probably feel put in the middle enough by dad. You need to always take the high road -- no matter what. They may break your heart for a while by taking sides as this is all going on, but keep in mind that they are children -- even the 18 year old -- and that this is even harder on them that it is on you. Just love them, love them, love them. Support them, listen to them and be there for them. It will all pay off in the end.