Charlif761

I asm still trying to work through how I ever disliked myself so intensely that I could end up....<gulp> Morbidly obese. Sometimes I think I must be completely blind and self obesessed to not feel as fat as I actually am (until I see myself in a reflection). I know what I am eating...But I still have no idea about what EXACTLY is eating me...... I have had lots of issues growing up...A fairly abuse father who did a tremendous amount of damage to my soul and my self esteem with his brutal words....A grandfather I doted on that died suddenly when I was 12..... two much older brothers that "abandoned" me for their own pursuits...one brother who never made it a secret that he hated me and wished I were never born..... possibility of some sexual abuse as a child (some issues have come up in therapy, but I never wanted to "go there")..... a history of sexual indiscretions starting in my early teen years... a rape at 15 resulting in pregnancy and abortion...... I can go on.....But, I guess you can imagine that all of that had to come out somewhere. And, growing up in the deep South with a very upper middle class Catholic mother, who believed in the myth of the Southern Belle and being gracious, I always had to be perfect and put together. I always had to be a lady and have a smile on my face...I was always the happy girl in High School that everyone loved (happy on the outside). Well, imagine that...probably food was all I EVER felt in control of...and then again, maybe I was killing myself slowly...... Jesus.....I think I need a therapist....and fast!!! :phanvan Anyway........maybe someone sees another pattern here.... Thanks for starting this thread and making me think...I need to do more of this before I get banded.

Diane: I am new here, so don't know you, but that isn't a pre-requisite for sharing some empathy. My prayers are also with you and your family. I truly believe the most powerful healing can be accomplished through the power of positive thinking. Help your doctors help you by visualizing yourself healthy again and I KNOW you will achieve it together. Sending lots of warm thoughts your way.... Charlotte

TEXASTERRY...No need to ever say you're sorry. He WAS being a grade A A$$!~ lol But, he is coming around now...... I am greatful for all the support and in every form...Just so you guys know, I am living in EUrope, just outside Amsterdam, so I am not privleged enough to have access to a lot of the lovely things I wish I had while in the US..... And, did you know that the Dutch are statistically the tallest people on the planet.....which also means they are almost ALL skinny! I hate this country.... :eek:

:help: Hello everyone.... I have been looking at options to help me regain my former self (the smaller version). I struggled with weight as a kid, always being a little chunky.... lost a load of weight in 6th grade, earning myself the nickname of "Slim", which my old gym coach, now a friend, still calls me...Only, now it doesn't fit! I stayed thin throughout highschool and college, was in pagenats, homecoming, etc. Was the girl people wanted to look like (although I ALWAYS felt fat). Gained weight my last year in college, which kept coming, then lost 60 pounds a year later. From age 22-27, I was a size 10 and was VERY fit. Then, the weight started creeping up. When my mom died (I was 30), I started packing on the weight and haven't stopped. At 33, I married my husband. I believe he was "lured" in by my formerly thin self, and believed I would easily change the "packaging". In four years, it hasn't happened (during that time, I have become estranged from the rest of my family, moved to Europe, gotten married, had a miscarriage etc.). The tension between my husband and I has grown to the point that I see (real or imagined) disgust in his eyes every time he looks at me. Our relationship has nearly gone down the tubes as he has continually harrassed me about my weight, need to work out etc. I finally decided (FOR ME) to look at the surgical option. I am not wild about having my body permanently altered, which is why this looks like a great option for me. I mentioned it to my husband, and he immediately got pissed and started telling me I "only" needed to start working out!!!!!!! Guys, I have hit 260 poundes, to my SHOCK AND HORROR! I "just" need to work out? My dad and grandad both have/had type two diabetes, requiring insulin. My mom died of congestive heart failure at 61, as did her father at 52. I can barely walk up a flight of steps anymore without feeling like I will pass out. Why can my husband not see where I am with this? Has anyone else had this??? Now, I am not only terrified of the surgery, I am terrified of the failure...and in a way, afraid that if I DON'T fail, I may not WANT to save this marriage. I love my husband, and he really is a decent guy, but I think if he cannot see beyond the fat, to the person I am, maybe he doesn't deserve me once I am thin? I don't want to go into this without some support...Anyone out there with some experience...advice??

Hi there.....Man, what a hellish ecperience with that loud mouthed A$$ in your doctors office. However, there is some small comfort.....When you ar thin, he will still be an idiotic, tiny-brained, sinsensitive creep. And THAT, my friends, is for life! They say that Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly is to the bone...He is a prime example. Thanks for your support and storied guys.

OK...so maybe I am getting older and weirder (as if it were possible...the weirder part....getting older is a given unless you are a vampire...). I SWEAR the older I get (I know, I said it already, and no, I am not 80 and senile!), the more things I find I cannot eat without really bad effects on my body. So, anyway, I have learned that nuts make me have to RUN for the bathroom. So do eggs. NO! I am not talking about run to hide...I mean that eating them makes me sick as a dog and it is either get to the potty or hire a maid! Now I am finding out that dairy does it to me too! Tonight, I made a strawberry smoothy with lots of milk...something I rarely drink....and I got so sick! Oh wait!!!! Sorry....detour...... Maybe if I live long enough, I will become allergic to every kind of food and A. Not be able to eat them anymore, or B. get such severe diarrhea every time I eat them that I will become skinny from lack of nutrition..... <<<<<<< OK, OK.....Not realistic. Back to my story. Wait....what was my story? $HIT! I forgot...... Maybe it is this getting older thing..... (kidding, it was supposed to be a joke about being senile.....anyone get it?) Anyway, truly, I am now starting to think about all the things I CAN have when I am banded...especially the liquid phase. Now tell me.....is this a good thing? For example, is this a sign of me mentally preparing myself and planning ahead. Or, is this bad....An example of my really horrible subconscious preoccupation with food? Maybe I am thinking too hard... Maybe I am getting older.....Did I already say that??? :nervous All right enough of that.... Anyway...what really happened today? Well, I tried to call my insurance company to see if they cover the surgery. Apparently I have to call a toll number (5 euro cents a minute) and speak to someone to get the answer. Problem? Yes, you can only call from 9-5. I work from about 8:30 to 6 and don't really want to be discussing my business in earshot of all of my colleagues. Stupid Dutch lack of service! And they make you PAY to call them! Anyway, I am going to have to go in late on Monday to call them. After they say yes or no, I decide whether to upgrade my policy or get on with my next step. Either way, once I get that info, I will then call and make an appointment at a clinic about an hour from here. Hubby has agreed to go with me, and says don;t worry about money, we will just pay it outright if I want it. Nice huh? I am also researching other places I can have this done..... So, I am seriously putting one foot ahead of the other.....And, I am having DREAMS of being skinny again..... Bikinis, short shorts, sexy lingerie.........HERE I COME!!!!!!!!! I think I might walk around naked the rest of my life if I get back where I wanna be!! Hell, I might join a nudist colony...Wait....now I AM going too far! OK, outta here....more insanity from the "Weird and Wonderful World of Me-ville" tomorrow......

OK...so maybe I am getting older and weirder (as if it were possible...the weirder part....getting older is a given unless you are a vampire...). I SWEAR the older I get (I know, I said it already, and no, I am not 80 and senile!), the more things I find I cannot eat without really bad effects on my body. So, anyway, I have learned that nuts make me have to RUN for the bathroom. So do eggs. NO! I am not talking about run to hide...I mean that eating them makes me sick as a dog and it is either get to the potty or hire a maid! :eek: Now I am finding out that dairy does it to me too! Tonight, I made a strawberry smoothy with lots of milk...something I rarely drink....and I got so sick! Oh wait!!!! Sorry....detour...... Maybe if I live long enough, I will become allergic to every kind of food and A. Not be able to eat them anymore, or B. get such severe diarrhea every time I eat them that I will become skinny from lack of nutrition..... <<<<<<< OK, OK.....Not realistic. Back to my story. Wait....what was my story? $HIT! I forgot...... Maybe it is this getting older thing..... (kidding, it was supposed to be a joke about being senile.....anyone get it?) Anyway, truly, I am now starting to think about all the things I CAN have when I am banded...especially the liquid phase. Now tell me.....is this a good thing? For example, is this a sign of me mentally preparing myself and planning ahead. Or, is this bad....An example of my really horrible subconscious preoccupation with food? Maybe I am thinking too hard... Maybe I am getting older.....Did I already say that??? :nervous All right enough of that.... Anyway...what really happened today? Well, I tried to call my insurance company to see if they cover the surgery. Apparently I have to call a toll number (5 euro cents a minute) and speak to someone to get the answer. Problem? Yes, you can only call from 9-5. I work from about 8:30 to 6 and don't really want to be discussing my business in earshot of all of my colleagues. Stupid Dutch lack of service! And they make you PAY to call them! Anyway, I am going to have to go in late on Monday to call them. After they say yes or no, I decide whether to upgrade my policy or get on with my next step. Either way, once I get that info, I will then call and make an appointment at a clinic about an hour from here. Hubby has agreed to go with me, and says don;t worry about money, we will just pay it outright if I want it. Nice huh? I am also researching other places I can have this done..... So, I am seriously putting one foot ahead of the other.....And, I am having DREAMS of being skinny again..... Bikinis, short shorts, sexy lingerie.........HERE I COME!!!!!!!!! I think I might walk around naked the rest of my life if I get back where I wanna be!! Hell, I might join a nudist colony...Wait....now I AM going too far! OK, outta here....more insanity from the "Weird and Wonderful World of Me-ville" tomorrow......

Thanks Jen......You know how jolly us fat people can be...harhar!!! Seriously, I have ALWAYS been a bit of a smart ass! Thanks for reading and commenting. I will do my best to keep you entertained. I am glad I could make you laugh while thinking about your sex life..... It's always good to be able to laugh at things. We should never take ourselves TOO seriously. Hubby is being pretty ok at the moment. I think he doesn;t really understand, but he knows me...and he' s probably afraid to say too much for fear of getting a butt kicking! Figuratively speaking, guys! I will give the puppies a hundred million kisses for you...Basically I love slobbering on them nearly as much as they love slobbering on me! XX, Char

I relate so much to your story! Congratulations on your success. I think I would ask at the next meeting if you could have a celebratory bonfire...started with the evil armless chair!!! If everyone made you humiliate yourself by having to ASK for the darned chair they should be willing to help you celebrate the fact that it is no longer necessary!!!!!!! :clap2:

Ok...I am lying..It isn't day one. It's really more like WEEK ONE...... I have had in my head for weeks my trip to the US back in April. I had not seen my best friend in a year and a half. We were talking about my weight ( a topic sandwiched somewhere between upcoming Jazz Fests and world politics) and she said, "You know, they do weight loss surgery laproscopically these days and it's not very risky." Now, had this come from any of the other billions of people inhabiting this planet, I would have smiled, walked away very annoyed, muttering foul names under my breath and never spoken to them again. But, we share a rare sort of honesty we know is always tempered with the most amazing love, loyalty and respect...a once in a lifetime friendship. Instead of doing what I MIGHT have done, I walked away feeling sad that my friend was so obviously disturbed and worried about my weight........ So, I went and had a nice Mexican meal...most probably washed down with a pitcher of margaritas.....Didn't help my weight, but sure was yummy! After returning home, I tried to forget the whole thing....Then a week ago, I had a dream about having "stomach stapling". That morning, completely unsolicited, my next door neighbor told me about our former neighbor who got "banded." Well, hey...God doesn't need to hit me in the head with a brick. I could see the signs...Thanks God! I began my internet search and found myself here...among fellow wannabes and brave already banded LAPers! Now, less than a week into this thought process, I am having epiphanies all over the place and imagining unleashing this thin girl I have inside me. My husband started out with a typical man response...Why don't you just work out more...They DO like to have all the answers, don't they? Now, I have him calling the insurance company for me (we are in the Netherlands, and although I can speak in Dutch, I am afraid I will end up in an Austrian hospital with a vasectomy if I try to discuss the ins and outs in Dutch.) He has also offered to go with me anywhere I need to go for appointments. And, he said if I want it, I have to do it....Pretty good progress for a few days. maybe after I am banded, he can eat all the goodies I am missing and I can live vicariously through him! :-) Anyway, I am wrapping my mind around the whole idea of a foreign object inside me. (As if it is the FIRST thing foreign inside me...but that was when I was single...hahahahahaha :heh: ) Ok...enough about my sexlife..... WAIT...NO! Back to my sexlife...I am also imagining me in my old corsets and things......waaaaaaaaaay back when I actually looked sexy in them! And, it would be nice to make love and not lie there in terror that my stomach was going to be touched at some point..... Anyone relating...Yeah, I bet!! Man would I love to hit forty looking HOT!!!!!! Forty and Fabulous sounds like a goal I can live with!!! Better get started..I only have three years...... Heading off now to get some beauty sleep...Wouldn't it be nice if sleep made you thin too??? I think I would have to be Sleeping Beauty...........Rip Van Winkle......you get the drift.....

Hi DAA: I know how you feel. I am a huge pet lover and have had to make this heartwrenching decision a few times. The last time with a cat I had for 14 years..... She had cancer and one day she was great, the next HORRIBLE. She always hated the car and was viscious when you tried to take her. The day I took her to put her to sleep, I didn't even have to put her in a carrier. She went willingly and lay in my lap the entire 30 minute trip to the vet, licking my hand..... I knew she knew it was time to say goodbye. When she got to the vet, she went straight to him, turned and looked at me, gave a weak meow and let him pick her up..... I was amazed, but knew she was ready. I felt so guilty at first, but realized it was all about me.....Putting her to sleep was the greatest act of love and charity I could have ever performed. Don't let yuor beloved dog suffer one day in pain. He deserves that for all the love and happiness he has brought to you. And, when you go home, Celebrate the luck you had to have such a bundle of four pawed love to share your life with..... My heart goes out to you. I have two Boxers...2 and 3 years old, and I cry when I think that they might EVER die......Literally! Good luck to you and your mom. My prayers are with you and your beloved pooch.

Man...I had an epiphany reading these posts.... I just realized that it isn't what I am eating that is my problem, but rather what is eating ME!!! I have had all these exact same thoughts that you guys are experiencing and realized it really isn't normal to be so obsessed with food. I wish I could be a neuron in everyone's brain to understand what it is that we are replacing with the food we "love" so much.... I am not really afraid of being hungry....people die of starvation, they don't die of HUNGER....I am afraid that I cannot feed whatever it is that I am trying to placate inside myself.....Fear of lonliness, abandonment, low self esteem, anger, sorrow?? How scary is it to realize that food is a drug for you? I always thought I didn't eat much, but now realize how often I snuck around behind my husband (five minutes ago) trying to eat something without him knowing, because even I knew I didn't WANT or NEED what I was eating.... Kim...we are all there.....some of us more than others. Maybe we should think about whether we are more afraid to be hungry and face these demons we have, or whether we are more afraid to live half a life as a "fatty" and die well before we deserve to. For me, I think THAT fear is starting to overtake my fear of surgery, pain, etc.... I am also working my way through the emotions that go along with the decision "To LAP or not to LAP". I am happy to chat with you anytime.... A wannabe LAPer....Charlotte

Thanks for the message. WOW! Your dad was really young....It is a hard loss, and one I think you never recover from. My mom was just 19 and her dad was 551 when he died of congestive heart failure. Her heart was broken until the day she died of the same thing......I sure do miss her, and want to see her on "the other side"....But, as much as I would love to see her face again, I don;t want to do it too soon...hence my need to get this fat off me!!! :help:

Hi Guys. You are really the best...I am such a believer in Synchronicity......A few months ago I was at home in the States with my best friend. Since my mom died, Dawn marie has been my mom, best friend and sister all rolled into one...... I mentioned that I really was concerned about my weight. Dawn has always been supportive and encouraged me to take care of myself in ANY way I neede. This time, she said, "You know, they have laproscopic surgery for weightloss now and there is minimal risk since you are so healthy." (She has worked in hospitals for more than 30 years) I thought it was really unusual that she mentioned this out of the clear blue, but took it as a sign that even SHE is worried for me..... Then, last week I had a dream about having gastric bypass...The next day, my next door neigbor mentioned that another neighbor had just gotten a LAP band...... I never knew it existed, but figured it was Gods way of telling me what I needed to do. Me, not being one to EVER ignore signs, immediately began researching. And, I was led here. I don't think my husband means to be an A$$. I think he is like most skinny people who never have to struggle with weight. They do not get how hard it is to lose it, especially once you get to the point of no return, which is where I feel I am. I go to the gym sometimes, but always want to go really late. I am too damned embarrassed to have everyone see the fat girl working out. Stupid, I know, but I am sure many of you understand this all too well. I miss the old me...there is but a glimmer of my former self left. At 37, I still look 10 years younger, but if I keep this weight, I will recover that age difference QUICKLY...or die looking young! Who said you can't eat yourself to death?? :hungry: Anyway, I am really greatful for you guys being here for me and each other. I am scared absolutely $hitle$$ about having surgery. I was even thinking about scarring till I realized that they cannot be worse than those stretch marks I am sure to have! Besides, if I stay this size, NOBODY will ever see my stomach....if I have scars and am skinny, I can still keep it covered with a tight sexy one piece! WOO HOO!!! Big hugs to you all.... Char

Hi Dianer...I, too, lost my mom at a young age. She was 61, I had just turned 30. Congestive heart failure (which I had no idea she suffered from until I got "the call") robbed me of her way too soon. I wish you lots of strangth!!! Congrats on your LAP band. I am seriously considering this option also..... I would love to hear about your experience.