~~Beth~~

:lol:LOL - thats what I started in a "C", funny I would love to be in trainers, I think I skiped that part to begin with! Thank you so much for the chuckle, I really needed that one!

Ok today is Tuesday 01.13.09 and as we know Tuesday are my weigh in days, I've lost 2 more pounds! Now for a total of 16.8 pounds so far and much more to go.

I was so excited when I got to the gym last night, I'm going by myself, with my husband working and Kelsi is grounded and Lilyan too young to go, I'm having to concur the embarrassment that comes upon us when know were over weight and we feel that people look, stare, whisper, and talk, I'm sure a lot of this is my imagination, but if you've ever been heavy and insecure you know the feelings I'm talking about. Any way with me now going to the gym at the busiest time of the day, I was so excited to see Alisa come in shortly after me, and I was able to waive, and then J.R. & Cayla came in shortly after that, boy was I feeling comfortable then, just the security of seeing them made me at ease, not that I now had a buddy to work out with, but just the comfort of knowing they were there.

I'm now up to almost a slow steady run on my treadmill mile, granted its' only set on 3.7 but before I couldn’t even walk a fast pace with out thinking I'm dieing, or wanting to give in on it. But yeap, I’m putting my earphones on, pulling into the TV and off I go.

I couldn’t and really still can’t tell that I’ve lost anything, until yesterday – I’ve had this gorgeous RED shirt (Red is my favorite for clothes) that has been press hanging in my closet for I tried to where during the Christmas season and the buttons in the breast area were stretched, so yesterday I was running late, as usually and I thought to myself, heck that Gorgeous red shirt is already ironed lets just try it and if it does great, and if not, well, its still pressed. Well low and behold, it fit and fit rather nice I would say, and I even had to tighten my bra straps this morning. So, I would hate to think that all 16.

8 pounds were in my breast, but the funny thing is that’s the only change I’ve seen!

I have struggled with my weight for years, especially these last five or so, well I have committed to myself to lose the weight and keep it off this time, roller coastering is wearing down my system and alot of health issues keep coming up, so for me to continue the wonderful life I have currently and to be around for the future, I have made up my mind. I hope that each and everyone will be supportive with me not just because you asked but because you deeply care.

No I don't want to be skinny, if that is what you asking, I want to be healthier:

So I can go outside in shorts and not be embarassed by my fat thighs.

So that I wont be ashamed by my imperfections.

So that I wont be thought of as one of the statistics of obese America.

So I will see a difference between myself months ago and myself minutes ago.

So I will have confidence

So my thighs wont touch when I sit down.

So when I moisturize my legs they don't jiggle.

So my breasts would be more perky.

So I wouldn't have to look for a bigger size in the department store.

So I wont have stretch marks.

So that I wont be the sidekick to my beautiful friend

So I can have higher self esteem.

So I can motivate myself to achieve any goal I set my mind too.

So that I can fit into a size small rather than an average mediocre medium.

So when I put my jeans in the dryer I want have to worry if I can fit in them again.

These are just a few of the things that come to mind. A few known people say wait til after the holidays, NOPE, I wanted to do it thru the holiday to prove to myselft I can avoid the tempation of splurging, once that tempation is gone, I will be well on my way to my success. and I have proven to myself I can....

**this was originally posted on myspace blog**