ALuv82

I graduated in 2004. Everytime I wwatch a home game and see pics of Paternoville, I curse my luck at being at Penn State during the only 4 years in recent history when we sucked as a football team. I never did get to experience a Paternoville and I'm jealous. Have fun at the Ohio State game, I'll look for your traitorous crimson shirts in the stands from my spot on the couch.

What? Me? Really? Yes! It’s true—I’m back with a blog update. I’d love to give you some grand reason for my disappearing act, but the truth is just that life has just gone on. Being banded was a huge life altering experience and for many months it affected everything. In a way, it defined me, just as being fat has defined me for the past 20 or so years of my life. Being banded affected my daily routine—what I ate, how I moved, work, the gym, doctors appointments. And then slowly, it affected me less. Life went back to normal. I stopped feeling sore, I went back to the gym, I started being able to wrestle those big dogs I work with again, and I stopped agonizing over every morsel I put in my mouth. My band became a part of who I am and stopped being everything I am about. And as life went on without me having to stop and contemplate my band every other minute, I stopped having new and exciting things to say about it. That’s not to say that everything has gone back to the way it used to be, although my life is not yet as completely altered as many of my pre-band fantasies projected it to be. A lot has happened in my life both related and unrelated to my weight-loss journey.

I believe last I left you guys, I was plagued with a big pain from a little kidney stone. Who knew something smaller than a pencil eraser could cause so much trouble? Well, in case you were wondering, the kidney stone did not pass on its own. After my trip to the hospital and the very happy drugs they pumped me with, my pain was gone. I followed up with an urologist anyhow and it was a good thing since he informed me that being pain free did not mean being urolith (big, fancy, medical word for a kidney stone) free. And low and behold, the night after my appointment, I had another bout of excruciating pain. The pain came and went for the rest of the week until my follow-up appointment at which point my doctor and I decided to schedule lithotripsy—a non-invasive surgical procedure used to break up kidney stones using shockwaves that pass through the body wall. Unfortunately the first available appointment for the procedure was not for another 2 1/2 weeks. The pain was sporadic in the mean time, and while I had some hefty pain meds, I was unable to use them at times—ie when at work. So, I used Ibuprofen instead—after all the PA at my docs office said it was okay given my situation as long as I took certain precautions. Well, I don’t think I took enough precautions, or I just took too much Ibuprofen because after a few days my stomach got all funky and I was sick for a good 2-3 days. I stopped the Motrin of course, and got better.

Finally I went for my scheduled procedure and they took an x-ray to locate the stone, then hooked me up to an IV and knocked me out. I woke up shortly after and everything went smoothly. Of course the lithotripsy only broke the stone up to smaller pieces and didn’t get rid of it, so for another week and a half I waited for the stone to pass—with even more pain than before, as well as several bouts of nausea. At last, my stone was gone, and with it, the pain. In addition, I felt energetic and just plain good for the first time since it happened. I turned the stone in for analysis and did some extra urine tests and next week I return to my doc for the results as well as a discussion on nutrition to help prevent further stones. I’m a little worried about how that will go and how his nutrition advice will work with my band. Obviously drinking plenty of water is paramount for both my situations, but I have a feeling he’s going to tell me to cut back on my protein which will not bode will with band eating. He says he’s seen many bandsters getting kidney stones 3-4 months after surgery and on the one hand, that probably means he knows our nutrition restrictions, but on the other hand, it probably means the diet change helped in the formation of the stone. I guess I’ll just have to wait and see.

Despite the passing of my kidney stone, I am—sadly—not yet a paragon of health. I’ve been having some trouble with my shoulder. At first I just suspected a pulled muscle or something, but given my kidney stone-ibuprofen snafu, could not treat it properly with anti-inflammatory meds like Mortrin. I finally sucked it up and got myself to the orthopod who examined me and took an x-ray. He said the x-ray looked pretty good, but he did see a small bone spur which probably caused some bursitis. Normally he would have just had me treat it with NSAIDS (if it was that easy, I wouldn’t have needed him) but instead he gave me a cortisone shot. Sadly, it didn’t work. He also gave me a prescription for physical therapy if it didn’t work. I think I’ll probably have to use it, but I’m going to try my sister’s acupuncturist first (I saw him once before and he actually predicted my kidney stone by feeling my pulse—well not a kidney stone exactly, but he told me the “kidney” part of my pulse was weak—how crazy is that?) Of course, I think I’m starting to sound like an 80 year old, going on and on about my health problems. I’ve been sicker since getting my band than I was before—how did that happen?

In other—non-medical—news, in the end of August, I finally moved into my new place. Having my own refrigerator to stock with all my own food has been helpful. I pretty much live off rotisserie chicken. I’ll have a quarter of a store bought chicken, no skin and I’ll pair it with some fruit, or carrot sticks, or tonight, a small baked potato. Yum, yum. My lunches vary, sometimes I’ll have a lean cuisine, or I’ll have a salad from the salad bar down the street. My usual breakfast is either a protein bar, or if I get up early enough, a 100 calorie whole grain English muffin with 1 egg, 1 egg white, and piece of low fat cheese. I do still have snacks. I believe in eating when I’m hungry. I’ll usually go for either a yogurt, or a high protein snack bar—Slim fast makes a yummy caramel nougat one, and South Beach has a chocolate raspberry one I love. Like a bad girl, I have taken to drinking diet soda again, but only 2-3 times a week instead of 5-6 times a day like I used to and of course, plenty of water is still a must.

I stalled with my weight-loss for a while, not because I didn’t have restriction, but because I was making bad choices and eating a lot of junk food again. So, I started going to Weight Watchers. The band helps me monitor how much I eat, and WW gives me the tools to help me make better choices. Having to figure out how many points everything is makes you stop and think before eating it. I only have so much room in my new little tummy pouch, and I need to make each bite count. That’s not to say I’ve given up all the good stuff—I still eat the foods I love…pizza, bagels, ice-cream, etc, but not on a regular basis. I really feel like I eat like a “normal” person now. I can eat a slice of pizza, without eating 3. I can have a turkey burger and leave half for the next meal. Anytime I order out, my food lasts a good 3 meals instead of finishing the whole thing and wanting more. It’s amazing how normal that is for me now. My loss is picking up again and I still have hopes of making my goal of losing 75# by my sisters wedding which is October 25. I’ve got to lose another 5 lbs and I’ve got 10 days to do it.

Holly, this entry is getting long. I have more to say about how I’m feeling about the changes the last 6 months have made to my mind, body and soul, but I’m working on page three of this thing now, so I’m going to cut it here, and save the rest for another entry. Here’s to not letting another 3 months go by before that happens Tootles.

Ooh--scale whore, that's me. I think I weighed myself 4 or 5 times yesterday alone. Of course I weighed myself when I woke up, but then I went to the hospital (wicked, wicked kidney stone) and got 2 liters fo fluids wo when I got home I re-weighed myself and found I'd gained *gulp* 6 1/2 POUNDS. I wanted to cry. So I think I re-weighed every time I peed but it's hardly gone back down at all. It's very depressing. I'm going to be on the scale 16 times a day until that water weight has evaporated :sneaky:

Last night around 4:30 in the morning, I woke up to go to the bathroom and noticed my lower back hurt a little. I have a history of having back spasms there so at first I thought nothing of it. Then I lay back down and tried to get into my usual comforting positions when by back hurts but it kept getting worse and worse. I also noticed that even though it was the same spot as my back spasms, it didn't feel the same at all...I could stand up straight move around, etc, etc. which I can’t do when I have musculo-skeletal pain there.

Regardless of what was causing the pain, it was excrutiating, so much so that I started getting nauseous. I was hoping at this point it was just severe gas pain. I went to the bathroom a couple of times, tried curling up in the fetal position which I find is usually the most comfortable position with gas pain, even took a Vicodin and…nothing. Then I went for a walk around the block (0.7 miles) because moving around is good for getting rid of gas pain. While walking I noticed that that sensation of someone stabbing me repeatedly in the kidney was a tad bit better but my nausea kept getting worse. And then, as soon as I can back, the stabbing feeling returned just as bad—if not worse than—before. Finally I gave in about 2 hours after it started and realized that it probably wasn't gas pain and given the location I was highly suspicious of a kidney stone so it was off to the ER for me.

Turns out I was right. Kidney stone was the Dr.’s first suspicion as well when I got there. They hooked me up to fluids, got some blood and urine, and sent me for a CT. They had me drink some contrast (which tasted exactly like Crystal Light) so that in addition to checking for a stone, they could use the contrast to evaluate my stomach and make sure there was no leak or anything else band related that could be the cause.

Well, no surprise here, the CT showed a big, honking (5mm) kidney stone. They said under 7mm you can usually pass it on your own, but 5 mm is still very large; and let me tell you—very painful. Although thank the lord (and the Dr.) for the morphine and Toradol because it took my pain from a 9-10 on the pain scale down to almost non-existent. Best meds ever! I really hope they don’t wear off too soon.

Finally I was on my way with a couple of prescriptions—Percocet, Motrin and Phenergen. The Phenergen in an anti-emetic (stops vomiting) since I vomited 3 times in the hospital because the pain had gotten so bad. The Percocet and Motrin are for pain. I asked about the Mortin and the Doc said that the bariatric surgeon at their hospital said it was okay, but I decided to call up my Doc’s office to confirm. The PA got on the phone with me and advised me that for a legitimate need like this, it is okay to take Motrin despite the fact that it is an NSAID and NSAIDs increase your chances of developing ulcers, especially in a banded patient when the medicine will be trapped in that small pouch for an extended period of time. She advised that I should follow the medicine with 2 glasses of water to push the pill out of the pouch and into my big stomach. She also said I shouldn’t eat when I take the meds because that would keep the pill trapped longer. Lastly she recommended taking some Mylanta to coat the stomach for protection. I think for today I’ll be sticking with the Percocet, but tomorrow I have to work and sadly I can’t do my job under the influence of narcotics, so the Motrin will have to do.

I was also instructed that I should pee into a jug and run it through a strainer every time I pee (fun :eyeroll:) so that I can catch the stone when it finally passes and bring it to the urologist to have it analyzed since there are many different kinds of stones which develop under different kinds of conditions in the body. My urologist appointment in next Tuesday and hopefully this will be over and done with by then and he will tell me that I am healthy and this was just a fluke.

And I would just like to mention the bad part about going to the ER (yes besides the long waits, ugly non-closing gowns, bad smell, uncomfortable beds, etc.). The bad part is the 2 liters of fluids they bloused into my veins which made me gain 6.5 pounds between this morning at 6:30 AM and noon when I got home from the hospital. As if I wasn’t already retaining another 2 ½ pounds of water thanks to my monthly visitor. Oh well, I’m sure that weight will be gone in a few days and on the bright side it will be nice to see the scale moving quickly again.

Another interesting note about this whole mess…My sister knows an acupuncturist who does some work on helping people quit smoking, etc, and he said he’d be willing to try some stuff with me to help me with weight management issues. Anyhow, I went to my second appointment with him Tuesday and he explained that evaluation of the tongue and the pulse are the main methods of eastern diagnosis. Well, apparently the kidney portion of my pulse (I didn't know pulses had portions but apparently they do) was weak. He wasn’t able to tell me specifically what was wrong with it but he could tell that it was not right. How strange is that? He totally knew something was up with my kidney just from checking my pulse and now, here I am 3 days later with a kidney stone. If that doesn't make me a believer in this stuff, nothing will. Hopefully he’ll be just as good at helping me on my weight-loss journey.

And now it’s time for me to give in to the Vicodin, morphine, Clonapin (similar to Valium) and Percocet in my body and go take a nap. Till next time, toodles.

Another month has passed and it’s time for another weigh-in. Things have slowed down a bit scale-wise but as long as they’re not stopping or going in the wrong direction, I’m happy. Besides, I had another fill 1 ½ weeks ago and I think that will help pick things up again. Not to mention that I’m looking damn hot in my new photos The inches are coming off too, although I’m getting kind of depressed by my upper arms—or the “double good-byes” as my trainer calls them (because they keep waving good-bye even after you’ve stopped). I just don’t feel like I’m making any progress there no matter how much my trainer tries to whip them into shape. I am resigned to the fact that I will probably need plastic surgery although I was hoping it would only be my stomach and breasts. Now I’m starting to think my arms will need it as well. I guess empty, saggy skin is better than fat-filled, saggy skin though. I’ve upped my usage of Palmer’s Coco Butter to twice daily in hopes that the elastin, collagen and Vitamin E will help my skin maintain some elasticity. Mostly I think I better save my bucks for Dr. 90210.

I’ve also noted a few other non-size related things lately. One, I think my hair is starting to fall out. It could just be that I know this is the time it usually happen and it’s all in my head (as opposed to all falling off of my head :thumbup:) but I think it’s real. Luckily I have a lot of very fine hair so losing some extra strands won’t be that noticeable. Otherwise I guess I’ll just have to wait another 3 months for it to grow back even thicker and more luxurious than before. I’ve also noticed that my teeth seem much whiter, no doubt thanks to my Diet Coke abstinence. I guess I can skip that professional whitening now. I’ll put that extra cash in my “bye-bye double good-bye” fund.

Pictures are here… http://www.lapbandtalk.com/members/54524-albums3687.html

And here are this months stats…

Before

Weight: 313.4#

Chest: 52.5”

Waist: 51.5”

Hips: 59.5”

Thigh: 29.5”

Calf: 20”

Arm: 21.5”

Last Month

Weight: 269#

Chest: 50"

Waist: 45”

Hips: 58”

Thigh: 28”

Calf: 18.25”

Arm: 19”

Now

Weight: 258#

Chest: 49"

Waist: 43.5”

Hips: 57”

Thigh: 27.5”

Calf: 18.25”

Arm: 19.25”

It's funny that you should mention the eggs. When I was on post-op liquids I swear I dreamt of a nice fluffy, scrambled egg. I also gave in and made myself and egg a few days before I was supposed to. I was so nervous it took me 45 minutes to eat 1 egg and I had to reheat in the microwave multiple times. In the end I had no problems with it but it was totally not that good because of how I ate it.

I'm glad you're happy with your choice. The RNY is a great procedure as is the lap-band. The reason I chose the band was because I am 27 and single and still have a lot of life ahead of me. I felt the lap band gave me more options in the long term if something went wrrong or during those times in my life where I may need more nutrition like when I am pregnant. If I were a little older and already had a family the RNY would have been something I considered. One procedure is not better than another, but 1 procedure may be better for YOU. It's not a competition, it's about making the chioce that's best for you and will help you lead the healthiest life possible. Congrats on the amazing progress you've made.

Hey, don't get discouraged. It's definitely hard to stay focused pre-band. If it wasn't we wouldn't have gotten to the point where we needed the band. I myself gained 4# in the 4 months between the consult and starting my pre-op diet. As for the money for the consults, I know it's hard to save but you've made this decision for youself and you need to make it a priority. Hopefully your family understands that and supports you. Perhaps you can open a seperate account and automatically transfer a few bucks into it every paycheck. This way it can't be used for anything else. Just keep strong and you will get to your goal.

Three months ago this coming Monday I made what I believe to be the best and most important step in my life so far second only to becoming a veterinarian—I got my lap-band. Life since then has been a series of ups and downs and relearning the habits I’ve developed over the last twenty-seven years. It hasn’t all been easy, but it hasn’t been hard either. My life did not change as drastically as I had hoped for and feared in equal measure. I’m still early in my journey and believe that those good changes are still to come but I am far enough out to feel that my fears have been properly assuaged.

I can still eat the foods I love—this week alone I’ve indulged in pizza, ice cream and chocolate cake (insert horrified gasp here, for I am a naughty bandster). That’s right people, I’ve eaten all of that…and enjoyed every minute of it. I don’t have time to feel guilty over enjoying the foods I love because let’s face it—food is one of life’s greatest pleasures. Would most of us struggling with our weight have gotten there if it weren’t? The difference is that now I can eat just a few bites of the cake and put the rest away or order the smallest sized ice cream and still be unable to finish it. And when I’m done with my teeny, tiny portions, I do not feel deprived or as though I need to keep eating—I feel satisfied. Can you believe it? Being satisfied with only a few spoonfuls of ice cream? I know a few months ago I never would have thought it possible.

And now that I am firmly on the new path that this amazing tool has led me down, it is time for me to make another big change in my life. This past Thursday I bought my first home. Although if you ask my sister, the lawyer, she will disagree—she will tell you that I am not a home owner, but rather a “stock holder in a cooperative corproration with a proprietary lease to a unit in the corporation's asset.” What the heck does that mean? Well, I didn’t buy a house, but rather a co-op. I think these may be a New York phenomenon, so for those of you who don’t know what that is, it’s similar to a condo only instead of buying a specific unit in the condo complex, you buy a share of the entire complex and get to live in one of the units. Either way, to me it’s a home—my first home.

I’ve been living at home with my parents for the last year and a half since I graduated vet school. I appreciate the opportunity to live rent free and enjoy a comfortable roof over my head but I am more than ready to move out and move on. Being at home and having support post operatively has been great but living with my parents has also added some extra hurdles in my way. For example my mother usually seems to be under the impression that kitchens should not be used for cooking food since it’s too messy. I relish the thought of having my own kitchen to stock with my own foods which I can use to experiment with healthy, band-fiendly recipies. In addition, my mother is overly critical of everything I eat. She means well but often makes comments that are hurtful and make me want to eat even more. In one instance I remember talking to her about the plastic surgery I might need after I hit goal to which she replied “all this because you ate too much.” Or a couple of times I’ve snacked on a Weight Watchers’ ice cream bars in the evening and everytime she asked me if I was supposed to be eating that. She constantly asks me if that food I’m eating is “dietetic” no matter how many times I remind her I’m not on a diet. She is not trying to make things harder for me, but despite her best intentions, she often does.

It will be a few more weeks before I am fully moved into my new place but I am thouroughly looking forward to the opportunity to live as an independent adult. It is only one more step, like the lap-band to gaining control over my own life. I can’t wait.

oops, double post

Sounds like you're doing great already. It's great that you are avoiding that "last meal" mentality. I struggled a lot with that before my surgery. If you can be so motivated now, even before your band, you will do wonderfully once you have it.

I know it can be very scary before you get your band. I know that as much as I wanted to make this change, there was a big part of me that was scared of it. I was scared of not being able to eat any more. Eating has always been my coping mechanism and I loved it. I was afraid that my band would make me no longer able to enjoy food. Well, I'm only 3 months out but so far I can honestly say that having the band was the best decision of my life. I still enjoy food on a daily basis and do not feel deprived or unsatisfied at all. I eat 1/8 of the portion I used to but feel just as satisfied by that as a huge binge would make me feel before. It's as though I ahve gotten all of the positive changes I have hoped for with out any of the changes I was scared of. Everything has changed and yet nothing is different.

Fear is a normal thing and nothing I can tell you will absolve you of all of it. Just keep going and once it's over you will be so happy you did not let your fear get the best of you.

I really enjoyed your story. I am new to this whole thing, 2 and 1/2 weeks post op. I get my first fill on the 27th and am a little nervous. I'm not afraid of needles or anything, I just don't know what to expect. Good luck to you.

I wouldn't worry about the fills--they hurt less than taking blood. I've heard some doctors use lidocaine to numb you first. My doc doesn't and I'm eternally grateful as lidocaine STINGS. You're better off without it. It's a quick poke through the skin, then sometimes they have to move the needle around a little to hit the right spot. Then they inject you. Every doctor does it a little differnt. Some use fluroscopy, some have you drink while they're filling, and some just inject. It;s really not a big deal. Even today when things didn't go smoothly, I was laughing the whole time.

Sounds like you're too tight and you're not eating enough. You're metabolism has probably come to a stall. You need to eat to lose weight. That tightness in your chest is restriction. I had to be unfilled when that feeling got to be too much. Plus you should be eating 3 times a day. Two meals isn't enough.

I had my second fill today—woohoo for more restriction! Not that I was doing too bad with the restriction I had. I can definitely see the difference between how much I can eat now versus how much I used to be able to eat. It’s a world of change. But it’s still not quite to the sweet spot. I can eat more than the recommended portions and I have had no trouble with any food I’ve tried. I can eat bagels, pizza, pasta, rice—no problems. Although when I eat bagels or rolls or anything, I do scoop out the insides. I doubt it would give me trouble even if I ate the whole thing though. I’m almost three months out and I have yet to get stuck or to PB. I would describe the point I’ve been at to be the perfect point if I was at goal and was trying to maintain. It’s like eating like a normal sized person. But sadly, I’m not a normal sized person yet, so I still need a bit more help.

So, I went in for my fill. Originally I was scheduled to go in for a fill a week and a half ago but my boss had to go sail away on his boat and I had to change my schedule around to cover for him. So I had to reschedule my appointment. Grr. I tried to move it to my new day off last week but they were already booked so I had to wait till today.

I have to tell you, it was an eventful visit. I got to the office and checked in. After about 10 minutes my name was called. The person doing my adjustment today was the new PA. I went in and told her how I was feeling and what I was able to eat and we decided on just a small, 1cc fill. I laid back, she prepped the area over my port and then stuck me with the big needle. It didn’t go in right away so she adjusted the needle around a little trying to get it in the port. She was right there, I could feel it—not a bad feeling, I could just tell that she was hitting the port. But the needle just wouldn’t go in. So she went to find the more experienced PA to help her out. I was left lying on the table with the needle and syringe sticking straight out of me for a few minutes before the two PAs came back. The older PA came over to try and maneuver the needle. She quickly realized the reason the needle wouldn’t go into my port. You see, apparently, my post was angled so that the rubber surface that the needle goes into was angled up towards my head. She said that it was common for the ports to be like that sometimes and that often as you lose weight they will change angles so that they may be more or less tilted. Anyhow, the young PA I guess didn’t realize what a steep angle my port was at and she went straight in. She wound up hitting one of these 4 little divots in the plastic part of the port and the needle was STUCK. They couldn’t get it out. I was told that they may need some forceps to get it out so I was left alone in the exam room once again with a big needle and syringe sticking out of my stomach. I put my hands behind my bed, closed my eyes and decided to take a mini-nap. A few minutes later, the two PAs came back with a surgeon (not one I knew) and he started cracking jokes which I responded to in kind. H came right over to me, gripped the needle and syringe and yanked. Out it came, large, bent needle and all.

So, crisis avoided, they re-prepped me and this time the second PA did the adjustment which went smoothly this time around. I got my 1cc and was on my way.

I have to say, though, that I’m glad it happened to me. Well, I mean, not “I’m glad it happened to me,” but “I’m glad it happened to me.” The older PA said that it happened to her a few years ago and the person that the needle was stuck in was having their first adjustment—they didn’t come back for another one for 6 months. For me, as a vet I have absolutely no needle phobia, don’t mind being stuck, and understand that no matter how much experience we have, sometimes you have to stick a person (or animal as the case may be) more than once. Personally, I kind of found it amusing more than anything—a little excitement in an otherwise boring day.

Plus, I’m sure it was a very nerve wracking experience for the poor PA who was just starting out. At least if it wasn’t going to go smoothly, it was with someone who was able to have a sense of humor about it and not freak out. And hopefully she’ll learn from it so that it doesn’t happen to someone else or if it does, she’ll recognize it and be able to deal with it calmly.

And now all I have to do is eat my liquids and mushies for the next 3-4 days and the wait and see if I’ve reached that elusive sweet spot. I can’t wait to see if this fill took. Toodles for now.

PS—Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince rocked my socks—even if I did keep thinking “that’s not how it happened in the book.”

The blues hit us all sometimes and the anxiety is perfectly normal. I went through the whole gamut of emotions prior to my surgery, No matter how much you kow you're making the right decision, there's a part of the "before" life that worked well for us, or we wouldn' have been there. It's normal to be scared to know you're going to HAVE to change, even if that change is for the better. Embrace your emotions, but don't let it get you down for too long. Concentrate on all the great new things this will bring to your life.

OK, I'm feeling very nostalgic right now. Lions and Joe Pa and the Tavern, oh my! I miss it all. Best 4 years of life hands down. You should have eaten at Green Bowl! I loved that restaurant--make your own stir fry. They moved the creamery--it's not in the same place it used to be. Do they still have Peachy Paterno flavor? You know, I used to milk those cows that made that ice cream. Ah, the good old days. You look amazing in your pic by the way.

Eh, who needs hair anyway? It just weighs you down and makes the number on the scale that much bigger :thumbup:

How long have you been banded for? A lott of times people gain for a little while after the go back to solid foods because their metabolisms have shut down after being on the super restrictive liquid diet for so long. Don't sweat it..it's hard not to get discouraged, but you're doing the right thing and the results will show eventually.

So another month has passed and I'm back for another weigh-in. I'm down to 269# as of today. That means I officially have double digits until my goal (170) and my BMI is 39.7--I'm not morbidly obese anymore...woohoo!!!

I've also made it back to the gym after my unfortunate back spasm-y deal a couple of weeks ago. I ran 30 minutes today starting at a 4.0 and working my way up to a 5.1, then I worked out with my trainer for an hour. I can do ab workouts again. I don't know if I'm excited about that or not. I have a feeling I will have some very sore ab muscles in the morning. Oh well, it's just the price I have to pay to get skinny.

I also have an updated album posted with some progreess pictures for anyone interested...

2 months later

Anyhoo, with out any further ado, here are my updated stats...

Before

Weight: 313.4#

Chest: 52.5”

Waist: 51.5”

Hips: 59.5”

Thigh: 29.5”

Calf: 20”

Arm: 21.5”

Last month

Weight: 281.0#

Chest: 51”

Waist: 45”

Hips: 58”

Thigh: 29.25”

Calf: 19.75”

Arm: 20”

Now

Weight: 269#

Chest: 50"

Waist: 45”

Hips: 58”

Thigh: 28”

Calf: 18.25”

Arm: 19”

Oh silly teen drivers. We were all there at one point weren't we. It sounds like you're doing the right thing--1st times is an accident, second time is just plain carelessness. I'm glad you had fun at the concert. I heard a story about a Buffet concert in NJ last weekend where some guy got drunk and his friends stuck him in the luggage compartment of a bus load of Parrotheads coming from Lancaster. He was OK, but man, that must be crazy. It's a good thing you had to nurse those Caronas and didn't drink too much or I shudder to think what could have happened, lol. And I have to say that while you may not be looking forward to your trip tomorrow, I am very jealous. I miss the old alma matter. Have fun at PSU. Say hi to the Joe Paterno and Nittany Lion statues for me :thumbup:

Thanks. A major reason I've been keeping this blog is so that I can start learning how to cope with these emotional issues related to losing the weight. I've stuffed my feelings down with food for so long that I don't know how to cope with them--or even what they are. They're so buried down that even I can't find them. I know I'm going to need a forum to deal with those emotions as they start coming back to the surface. I've also been continuing to see my psychologist that cleared me for surgery. The phsyical aspects of this journey aren't the only ones that we need to deal with.

It is common in the beginning to be able to eat more than the recommended portions. You have an empty band right now and while that is enough for a few people, most need to have some fills before they have adequate restriction. Right no the most important thing is letting your band heal properly. That means eating the recommended TYPES of food. That's more important than the portions. Eat the recommended portion slowly and if you're still hungry you can have a little more. However, make sure you're if you eat more it's because you're hungry and not just because you can. You want to eat until you're satisfied--not full.

I had an interesting reaction to something someone said the other day. I saw one of my neighbors and she was complementing me on my weight-loss, which was nice to hear, but then she said something about how I must feel so much better. I just shrugged, but for some reason I felt myself getting defensive, especially when she seemed incredulous at my non-committal reply. I don’t know why it bugged me so much. My first thought was that I was annoyed because everyone just assumes that because you’re fat you must feel like crap all the time. Well the truth is, I don’t and I didn’t. I have an active job and I was working out regularly long before the surgery or the weight-loss. Other than very mild sleep apnea and occasionally getting a muscle spasm thing-y in my lower back (which I suffered from all last week--40 pounds lighter than the last time I had it) I’m healthy. I figured that the assumption that losing 40 pounds should somehow make me feel like new irked me.

In hind site, maybe the reason it bugged me so much is because a part of me had similar assumptions. Not so much about how I feel physically, but about how I feel mentally. Losing 40 pounds should feel better. I should feel better--about my weight, about my life…but I don’t. I know I’m not even a third of the way there yet and I know that losing the weight isn’t going to fix my life, but what if I never reach goal? What if I just lose the average 50 something percent of my excess weight? Will I feel any different then? And what if I do reach goal? Will that feel different? Or will I have only gotten rid of the symptom of my unhappiness and not the cause. Will it all be the same only in a different body? That’s a scary thought but a very real possibility.

I know that in large part, I use my weight as a defense mechanism. If I go to party or a bar, or any other social situation, and I’m ignored, well then it’s because everyone else is superficial and judgmental, or insert adjective that makes it not my fault here. See, the thing is people can’t reject me if they don’t know me and my fat makes it easy for people to not get to know me. By being overweight, I have an excuse not to get close to people—not to really let anyone in.

I hate to be one of those people who blame all their problems on their mother, but I do think she’s a large part of why I feel this way. You see, she’s manic depressive and throughout my life she has suffered through some major suicidal periods. Even when I was still just a kid she would tell me how she wanted to kill herself and how she had nothing in her life worth living for. It was this huge burden to have on my shoulders and in the long run I wound up resenting her for it. Now I think one of my biggest fears is to be like her. I’m afraid to let people get close to me because I’m afraid that I will be a burden to them. I hate to even ask people for favors like picking me up from the auto shop when I have to drop my car off for an oil change, let alone burdening them with the big stuff. So I don’t. I keep people at a distance so that I can’t hurt them like my mother hurt me. I keep them at a distance so that they never wind up resenting me like I resent her.

And the thing is, losing weight is not going to change that. It’s not going to make me feel better about opening myself up. It’s not going to suddenly make it easy for me to let people in and cure my loneliness. So when people ask me if I feel better, maybe it just bothers me because a part of me knows that the healing I need to do, isn’t coping with diabetes or hypertension, or any other problem that can be solved by simply losing weight. And since everyone who’s ever tried to lose any substantial amount of weight knows how un-simple it is, it’s hard to imagine what it’s going to take for me to “feel better.” And what if I never do?

mmmm, pizza. So tasty. But we must not let ourselves fall vitim to the gooey, yummy goodness.

Well said!!!!!! This week will be 8 weeks post op and I go for my 2nd fill tomorrow and I too have had similar struggles . . . that darn pizza will get you everytime (lol).

hehe, thanks. Exercise is not a new concept for me. I've been working out with a personal trainer for almost a year now. And I exercised a lot before that too. Even in HS I was on track and cross country. The cross country meets were 5Ks. I always finished even if I always came in last. And despite having practacies for 2 hours a day 6 days a week I still weighed 250#. Distance was easy for me--it's speed that I suck at. There are usually people walking faster than I run.

Running for an hour! You amaze me...and 40 lbs....CONGRATULATIONS!!