julie.ann

0930: Happy Halloween. So far the pain has improved. I continue to take the liquid lortab. Shoulder pain comes and goes. The kids have been great and I have sipped some protein shake.

1330: I’m starting to get that “what did I do” feeling. No, not really a regret but kind of. I cooked frozen pizza for the family today. I’m not craving it. It isn’t like I am slobbering to get my hands on it. I am torn between telling myself that “I can’t have it again and don’t even think about it” and telling myself that “I can have it again in a small portion. I just have to be patient. “ I think once the gas pain is completely gone and I also start to see weight loss it will help. I hope.

The trip back from Denver was long. My left shoulder started getting that pain that comes from gas on the diaphragm. I was happy to go to bed. By 10:00pm I was ready to cry because of that feeling of someone stabbing my in the shoulder.

Well I guess it's my turn to tell my surgery story.

The morning of surgery I didn't have to be at the hospital until 9:30am, but I woke at about 7. When we got to the surgery center we sat in a waiting room that looked like a doctor's office until they called my back to a bay area. They were not very busy and everyone was THE BEST!!!!! Jan was my pre-op nurse, Caroline my OR nurse and Dr. Johnson was my anesteseologist.

They wanted a urine sample, I got dress....or maybe I should say undressed in my gown. Scopolamine patch behind the ear, a pepcid pill, a zofran pill, an IV, levaquin hung since I am allergic to Keflex, decadron in my IV and one other IV med I don't remember. After all the questions Dr. Johnson was such a dear and pushed some versed IV. I love that drug of amnesia! I think I was in preop another few minutes, but I don’t remember it. I woke up in the Recovery Room. Renee was my nurse. She didn't have quite the sweet disposition that the others had, but she was nice. I was out of it in recovery. My surgery started about 11 and my hubby was called by Dr. K at about 12 and he said he could go back in about 20 min to see me. It was 1:30 when he called back about me and found out I had just woke up. Dr K and Dr. Johnson both came by to see how I was. Dr. K said that he had to repair a small hiatal hernia. (I wonder By 2:30 I had gone to the rest room and was ready to be dismissed from the Recovery Room. I am doing pretty well. So far I haven't had a lot of shoulder pain and my incisions are uncomfortable. I don’t' like narcs, but I will take my lortab for my 7 hour drive home today.

No nausea so far. I have found if I eat my jello too fast I get a little chest pain so I will nibble slowly. I haven't named my band yet. We have barely been introduced. I see how it goes.

I love being a member of the band!

1545: I met Dr. Kirshenbaum for the face to face for the first time at my appt the day before surgery. We had done a phone pre-op and I also had a phone consult with a nutritionist.

I went to do doctors and the medial assistant took down my height and weight and took my vitals. Dr. K came in and we talked about the surgery. He didn't ask much about my pre-op diet. He just wanted to know if lost weight and how much. (14#!) We signed the consents, went over my allergies, he wrote the admission orders. We had time to ask him questions. He is very nice. We filled my scripts for liquid lortab, zofran and a dulcolax supposity. Insurance paid $10 (the only thing they will be covering) and all together it cost me $30 for my scripts. Not bad.

1800: We met friends to go out for supper and catch up. I did so much better than I did the last time I went out the last time. We ate at Red Lobster. Of course they had great fish so that was maybe a little easier. I completely turned down the rolls that our friends were gushing over telling us how great they are. I had great broccoli and my fish. I let DH decided on my side dish since I was going to get it for him. He orded the brown rice. I didn’t have a bite. I do need to get used to putting half of the serving away as soon as I get my plate, but I knew I wasn’t going to be able to eat it the next day anyway because of surgery.

2200: The evening before surgery I had to take a supposity to help my bowls move. I forgot my stool softener. Don't forget to start that after surgery if you have firm stools. The narcs they give you will slow down you GI too. You don't want to become constipated.

I messed up. I have given up bread, pasta, rice and potatoes. That is my pre-op diet. I have been doing ok and I have lost 14 lbs. Tonight I forgot my ah, ha moment. I had a test and I failed. I went out with friends and I failed. I suffered a last supper. I thought I will have what I am craving and I know it will be full of fat, but I won't be breaking my diet.

I won't go into it. I know many of you are on clear liquids. By what I had was breaded and I didn't think about it until after I was done. Of course the 3 grey goose and cranberry juices didn't help. I screwed up.

So now I have to ask what did I learn from this. I learned that I need to remember that when socializing food doesn't make things more fun. That was my ah, ha moment. A few weeks ago I realized that food is not supposed to be fun. It is there to survive. It isn't fun. Fun is shopping for regular sized clothes and making love to your husband and feeling sexy. Fun is rock climbing and jumping up and down when you son makes a great miniature golf shot. Fun is sitting in a chair and feeling comfortable without a table in from of me to hide my body. Fun is not eating. Food doesn't want me to feel good. Food doesn't make me feel better. Food isn't my friend. It isn't my enemy. It is neutral. It is there to sustain life.

I flunked my test, but instead of feeling like giving up like I usually do I am going to learn from it. I wanted to get in the 260's before my surgery. I may have just cost me that milestone. I will survive. I will achieve. I will learn from my mistake. I will research and be prepared the next time I am invited out with friends. It may take more work....but a skinnier butt is worth it!

Here is my "Ah-ha" moment. (a bit lengthy)

I have just realized that eating is not supposed to be fun. No...I know what you are thinking. Well I know if it was me two weeks ago I would be thinking that it may not be fun, but I enjoy it.

I always saw eating as fun. Entertainment. I used it as a reward for myself or a consolation. I would put the kiddos to bed when they were little and then sit down with my favorite show and a plate of garlic bread and enjoy. If work REALLY sucked I would come home and sit down and eat ice cream or pick up McDonalds on the way home because I "deserved" it.

Eating is not supposed to be fun. I thought going out with friends and having fun equaled eating.

I started my pre-op diet on Monday. I started it earlier than I needed to and I have lost 8 lbs since last Friday. Wow I felt great...but I had that nawing desire for a last supper. Come on surely some of you can relate. That last...I can't eat this for months......can I ever eat this with the band......last supper. As of tomorrow no bread, pasta, rice or potatoes.

I ate great all day. I went grocery shopping and did it. Guess what. IT SUCKED!!!!!! I had garlic bread and frozen pizza. (My staple) Not only was the garlic bread not satisfying, but the pizza tasted...well, flat. That is the only way I can describe it. Flat! It tasted worse than ever before. My taste buds would be much happier if I had eaten veggies and chicken breast. I wish I could puke. I hope I remember this feeling forever! So not worth it!

I know that I will want crappy food again. But I feel like I am a step ahead of where I was before.

Now listen to this.

Are you ready?

Eating is for survival. It is to get enough nutrition to live. That is its main focus. I know this sounds simple, but I have been oblivious to the obvious. (Try saying that three times fast.)

It is not a reward. It does not console us.

It doesn't take away boredom

It doesn't listen to our problems.

It is a fair weather friend....actually not even a friend at all. It is that bi*chy girl in jr. high that we thought liked us, but only pretends to until she can stab us in the back.

I am ready now. I am ready to start the rest of my life. I am ready to try to forget this "last supper". Actually I guess I want to remember it forever.

I started my pre-op diet a little early. My weight is 282, but a few days ago it was 285.5 so that is the highest weight I will record. No bread (!) potatoes, pasta or rice. I think the bread will be the hardest. I am doing basically an Atkins diet. Protein, low carbs. I have started to keep my food journal on sparkpeople.com again. I should have been doing that before. I don’t know how I will find time to exercise. I may wait until my first fill to start back to the gym.

I typed out a letter for my doctor to sign to try and get this approved through insurance. It didn’t work. No insurance means I start shopping around for a wonderful doctor that had good prices. What are the chances I will find that?

WOW! What do you know…I found it! Dr. Kirshenbaum in Denver has one of the lowest prices I’ve seen in the US I have found some of his patients on support groups on-line and haven’t heard a bad word about him. My surgery is scheduled for Oct 29th!

After my brother’s wedding I finally made the decision to have the lap band procedure. I don’t know where or how I will afford it, but I have decided to move forward. I spoke to Brad and told him why I wanted to do this. By the time I was done telling him why I was crying. He said yes we can after we sell our other house. Little did I know and lucky for me he wouldn’t hold me to that time table.