kc892020

Thank you for the kind words. I wish you the best of luck too!

Thank you! Unfortunately, there aren't many options for non-food related activities, which stinks. But hopefully that will change at some point. Thank you again for the kind words!

Yes, some of them are.
IMO people are "toxic" if they continue their (abusive) behavior after having been called out on it, especially after telling them repeatedly that their behavior is not ok the way it is. They know their behavior is not ok but they continue to behave this way.
I don't want to have overly selfish, manipulative, passive-aggressive etc. acting people in my life. There are people with some really sh*tty personality traits out there I don't want to deal with voluntarily.
ETA: However, I also hold the (maybe not very popular) opinion that not all WLS peeps change for the better after having lost weight. Sometimes it's not "the others" who're the problem, but the person who've lost weight.

Find new friends that will support your and lift you up. It’s hard. You need that. You may also need some tough love now and then. My daughter gave me that when I wanted to stray lol. The little brat lol.
I had mostly positive people around me. Or at least to my face. The negative comments were mostly from people I could cut out without a thought.

Good luck. Follow the guidelines. If you stray Think it over. See what your weaknesses are and don’t feel like a failure. We all have weaknesses ....recognize....Think and do better. I’m sure most of us dieted, ate something we should not have and gave up. This is a new chance. Don’t give up. Push forward. It’s an amazing life changing feeling. It’s finally a weight loss win. Amazing I promise. I’m still in awe when I see my before and after pictures.

Good luck to you and forget the jerks! You don’t need them!!! If ya need me to give me their number I’ll tell them all about it 😂

So, I feel funny writing about this, but...has anyone else ever experienced a negative change in their social life post-op?
I had my surgery back in January. Although my physical health has made drastic improvements, I'm afraid my mental health has taken a toll.
I noticed people have been treating me very differently since having the surgery. I've been getting so many rude comments, I can't keep up. They think I "took the easy way out (not realizing it was actually quite the opposite: the last resort)," and/or are freaked out by all my new eating habits and restrictions or are saying cruel things like "oh, you'll just gain it back like so-and-so did anyway, you watch." A lot of them have also proceeded to claim my changed appearance "weirds them out." Some of my now ex-friends have even gone so far to complain that I "betrayed the body positivity movement by giving into society's expectations of what women should look like." What the actual heck? Even dating, something I thought would get better as I lost weight, is just as bad as it was before. Since I can't drink alcohol anymore or eat a lot of foods, guys have been pretty hostile. Although I've been private about my surgery while dating (simply stating I have a strict diet I need to follow), that hasn't stopped guys from being mean or rude.
Bottom line here is I've lost a lot of friends this past year and my love life is no better than it was. I'm extremely lonely and depressed.
Has anyone else ever encountered this? What can I do to change it? Why is there so much social stigma towards this surgery?

Thank you, and good luck to you on your surgery!

So, I feel funny writing about this, but...has anyone else ever experienced a negative change in their social life post-op?
I had my surgery back in January. Although my physical health has made drastic improvements, I'm afraid my mental health has taken a toll.
I noticed people have been treating me very differently since having the surgery. I've been getting so many rude comments, I can't keep up. They think I "took the easy way out (not realizing it was actually quite the opposite: the last resort)," and/or are freaked out by all my new eating habits and restrictions or are saying cruel things like "oh, you'll just gain it back like so-and-so did anyway, you watch." A lot of them have also proceeded to claim my changed appearance "weirds them out." Some of my now ex-friends have even gone so far to complain that I "betrayed the body positivity movement by giving into society's expectations of what women should look like." What the actual heck? Even dating, something I thought would get better as I lost weight, is just as bad as it was before. Since I can't drink alcohol anymore or eat a lot of foods, guys have been pretty hostile. Although I've been private about my surgery while dating (simply stating I have a strict diet I need to follow), that hasn't stopped guys from being mean or rude.
Bottom line here is I've lost a lot of friends this past year and my love life is no better than it was. I'm extremely lonely and depressed.
Has anyone else ever encountered this? What can I do to change it? Why is there so much social stigma towards this surgery?

So, I feel funny writing about this, but...has anyone else ever experienced a negative change in their social life post-op?
I had my surgery back in January. Although my physical health has made drastic improvements, I'm afraid my mental health has taken a toll.
I noticed people have been treating me very differently since having the surgery. I've been getting so many rude comments, I can't keep up. They think I "took the easy way out (not realizing it was actually quite the opposite: the last resort)," and/or are freaked out by all my new eating habits and restrictions or are saying cruel things like "oh, you'll just gain it back like so-and-so did anyway, you watch." A lot of them have also proceeded to claim my changed appearance "weirds them out." Some of my now ex-friends have even gone so far to complain that I "betrayed the body positivity movement by giving into society's expectations of what women should look like." What the actual heck? Even dating, something I thought would get better as I lost weight, is just as bad as it was before. Since I can't drink alcohol anymore or eat a lot of foods, guys have been pretty hostile. Although I've been private about my surgery while dating (simply stating I have a strict diet I need to follow), that hasn't stopped guys from being mean or rude.
Bottom line here is I've lost a lot of friends this past year and my love life is no better than it was. I'm extremely lonely and depressed.
Has anyone else ever encountered this? What can I do to change it? Why is there so much social stigma towards this surgery?

Yes, absolutely. I had my roux en y done in January and the weight didn't start coming off until well into March. Everybody's system is different, and for those of us who are "slow losers" it's usually because it's taking our bodies longer to understand what just happened to it, how to process these new changes. Fret not though, it will come off and you will do great.

So, I feel funny writing about this, but...has anyone else ever experienced a negative change in their social life post-op?
I had my surgery back in January. Although my physical health has made drastic improvements, I'm afraid my mental health has taken a toll.
I noticed people have been treating me very differently since having the surgery. I've been getting so many rude comments, I can't keep up. They think I "took the easy way out (not realizing it was actually quite the opposite: the last resort)," and/or are freaked out by all my new eating habits and restrictions or are saying cruel things like "oh, you'll just gain it back like so-and-so did anyway, you watch." A lot of them have also proceeded to claim my changed appearance "weirds them out." Some of my now ex-friends have even gone so far to complain that I "betrayed the body positivity movement by giving into society's expectations of what women should look like." What the actual heck? Even dating, something I thought would get better as I lost weight, is just as bad as it was before. Since I can't drink alcohol anymore or eat a lot of foods, guys have been pretty hostile. Although I've been private about my surgery while dating (simply stating I have a strict diet I need to follow), that hasn't stopped guys from being mean or rude.
Bottom line here is I've lost a lot of friends this past year and my love life is no better than it was. I'm extremely lonely and depressed.
Has anyone else ever encountered this? What can I do to change it? Why is there so much social stigma towards this surgery?

Thank you! Unfortunately, there aren't many options for non-food related activities, which stinks. But hopefully that will change at some point. Thank you again for the kind words!

Thank you! Unfortunately, there aren't many options for non-food related activities, which stinks. But hopefully that will change at some point. Thank you again for the kind words!

So, I feel funny writing about this, but...has anyone else ever experienced a negative change in their social life post-op?
I had my surgery back in January. Although my physical health has made drastic improvements, I'm afraid my mental health has taken a toll.
I noticed people have been treating me very differently since having the surgery. I've been getting so many rude comments, I can't keep up. They think I "took the easy way out (not realizing it was actually quite the opposite: the last resort)," and/or are freaked out by all my new eating habits and restrictions or are saying cruel things like "oh, you'll just gain it back like so-and-so did anyway, you watch." A lot of them have also proceeded to claim my changed appearance "weirds them out." Some of my now ex-friends have even gone so far to complain that I "betrayed the body positivity movement by giving into society's expectations of what women should look like." What the actual heck? Even dating, something I thought would get better as I lost weight, is just as bad as it was before. Since I can't drink alcohol anymore or eat a lot of foods, guys have been pretty hostile. Although I've been private about my surgery while dating (simply stating I have a strict diet I need to follow), that hasn't stopped guys from being mean or rude.
Bottom line here is I've lost a lot of friends this past year and my love life is no better than it was. I'm extremely lonely and depressed.
Has anyone else ever encountered this? What can I do to change it? Why is there so much social stigma towards this surgery?

I felt I had a great support system, but I got some eye rolls from my sister when I mentioned this app today and It did bother me. She didn't want to hear about it. She been with me from the Beginning so she knows how much I've put into it. I lost 95lb on my own following the dieticians plan and daily workouts, and logging every bite I put in my mouth. If you're like me the bariatric program requirements just to be approved for surgery includes jumping perfectly through all those hoops to give us the best chance for long term success possible. So we do A LOT to get approved, then it is so hard afterwards, NOTHING is easy about it. I knew that i had to do this tho and for your reasons so do you. I am 3 weeks post op and i have said 25 times "why in the world did I do this?" My surgeon said I will probably be saying that 25 more times before I get everything figured out, and in the end it will be worth it, I do believe that. You deserve to have all the support in the world. I would ignore those so called friends unless they have an apology for you and some respect that you deserve. I hope that this gets much better for you. They should be proud of you and stand beside you throughout.

You'll be in my thoughts, & Good things coming your way!

Sent from my SM-T307U using BariatricPal mobile app

I just want to post a little food for thought (lol). This has little to do with most of the posts on this thread, but I cringe when I hear people talk about others as “toxic”. People are not toxic. Nobody is toxic. It is a label assigned to someone that redistributes the power balance. These days instead of saying “this person does not respect my boundaries” “this person’s comments are constantly hurtful to me” “I don’t know how to assert myself when this person triggers my self-consciousness/self-hatred” “I am too sensitive to handle this person’s honesty” “It feels awful when I freeze instead of telling that person their actions were not ok with me” etc, etc, etc, people just say “that person is toxic”. Saying someone is toxic makes assigns the work to that person and then dismisses the issue (which is usually one of boundaries). We are not constantly fending off toxicity. We have all probably been called a toxic person by someone. In parenting right now (I have a 5 yr old) it is very popular to take on the idea that “my child is not responsible for my anger/anxiety/reaction when they __________”. If my daughter has to try on 6,000 pairs of shoes while telling me “duh” and having a meltdown, making me late to work, and I yell at her and am crabby at my meeting - that’s not her fault. I can work on this reaction, I can work on this routine, and I can find out why 6000 shoes were (duh) not enough and was so important to her. My kid is not toxic because I am crabby in the morning and late to work almost every day. I think this is true in any relationship - the other person is not you, not in your head, they have other priorities, and most of the time we don’t tell people how we need them to react to feel supported. The OP could have talked to her friends before surgery and told them what she needed from them - it might have changed how they supported her. Or she can set boundaries now (e.g. If we are going to go out, we are not talking about x,y,z, because __________”). Call someone rude, mean, dishonest, unfaithful, blunt, jealous - something specific that helps you and them learn from the relationship. If the person means something to you, give them something meaningful back. Calling them toxic will only lead you to more toxic people, because you will have the same reaction. My advice to the OP would be to be honest with the friends you still want to have. You won’t always react perfectly (or even well) to all of your loved ones’ life-changes either, so give them the chance to not handle it perfectly either. If they still suck after you are honest and set boundaries, then good riddance. Sorry - had to preach! Not meaning to offend! Somebody totally blew my mind about “toxic people” not existing a year ago and my relationships have been so much better.

I think it also boils down to the fact that some of us are more private by nature. Period. Realizing the spectrum of some let it all hang out, like it or not, here’s my reality, to the other end of utmost secrecy surrounding their personal journey. Most of us likely fall somewhere in the middle of this continuum and it’s all okay!😃 The important point is to know and understand ourselves well enough to consciously choose how we design our lives for greatest peace and quality regardless of what another thinks we should do.

Say it, sister.

Well, you are lucky, that's for sure. I think for me, because a lot of my friends were also morbidly obese, they felt like I "betraying" them or something. That being said, unfortunately, these relationships can't be salvaged. As far as dining out, it is almost impossible for me these days, as I developed A LOT of intolerances to sooooo many foods since the surgery. I can't keep down any meat, fish, fruit, breads/pastas/potatoes/non-skim dairy/sweets of any kind, nuts, and some even some vegetables. I've consulted my surgeon so many times about this in recent months, as there's foods I'm supposed to be able to tolerate by now that I just can't. He just said some people develop intolerances and left it at that. 😕 So, it isn't just a "I don't want to do something food-related," it's a "I can't do something food related." It's very frustrating, because it seems dining out is literally the only socialization people do around my home. Even during the pandemic! Thank you for the kind words. I wish you continued success.

This may not be a popular line of thinking but here goes:
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I think that alot of WLS folks believe that those around them would naturally share the same opinions and thoughts they themselves have about it, because, I mean, its a good thing, right? Why wouldn't anyone and everyone with a heart and a brain support and cheer someone on who wants to better themselves (for whatever reason)? The reality is that not everyone will think the same way as you.
Yes, one may get disappointed and hurt when those who we care about aren't on the same page, or react/behave in a way that we don't like/want/expect. Whatever their motivations are, in the end the only thing you can control is YOU. You have 3 choices (in terms of relationships, or anything else for that matter): work to change it, accept it, or leave it (and know when to do which). Anything else is doing a disservice to yourself.
I know, easier said. But I think the sooner one can recognize what things help and what things don't help (and act accordingly) for any situation, the sooner one can exist in peace and contentment, no matter what situations or people cross their paths.
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Good Luck!
P.S. Re: Dating...take it easy and try not to put too much pressure on yourself...like attracts like. Again, I know, easier said. Good Luck! ❤️

Hey i think youre brave for sharing your story with most people. Thisll help other obese people To have hope that perhaps bariatric surgery will help them as well. People downplay that obesity kills. Better alive with unnatural anatomy then dead with no potential for improvement. As for dating i agree to find other activities but most people do like to eat. I once read Soup is a good thing to order as a bariatric patient When out with others and most places seem to have it. Keep up the good fight!

I haven't had surgery yet, but have already encountered people like this. Whenever someone tells me it's the easy way out, I have to remind them and myself it's only a tool, not a magic pill. If I could have lost the weight on my own, I would have by now. I also have to remind myself why I'm doing it, for my health and to be able to enjoy my family more. I do hope things get better for you.

For me, I kept it private because I did not want to be that guy everyone pointed to and said, look he had WLS and he gained all that weight back. ( Been there done that) From my posts you can see that I still feel that way. I am much more comfortable telling people that me and five others put $1,000 in a pot to see who could lose the most weight and in the end I didn't win the pool but I lost weight. That's my story, I'm comfortable with it and I'm sticking to it. A family member told people she had her Gall Bladder removed and after the surgery had a difficult time holding down food. That accounted for her weight loss. I don't feel that I have to advertise the virtues of WLS to help others who are comfortable in making the decision to tell others about it. I'm very comfortable with my decision and I'm sorry that the OP has a difficult time when she should be basking in the glory of her weight loss and new found health. In the end people like me who don't advertise our WLS have nothing to do with the negativity people have towards those who do. Those people are usually jealous, low self esteemed petty individuals to begin with.

I’ve been fortunate that all my friends & family have been very supportive of my weight loss. And not everyone knows I’ve had surgery! Most do but a few that I felt might be initially negative I just told them working on getting healthy @ 66! And man I see off & on who I did NOT tell even sent card how happy I’m concentrating on my health! I think one reason many are so supportive besides being good friends & family is I’m very upbeat about getting healthy. And those that know I’m very open with about changes in my lifestyle. I’ve been part of dining out group. I did not stop going just because of surgery. I don’t want to end that part of my social life. Dining out is not just about the food. It’s about the fun of socializing, ambiance of restaurant & yes I can still enjoy food but in moderation.
Are there any of your friends that you feel close enough to & worth salvaging friendship to address these issues? If not then it’s time to do some self discovery & eventually surround you with more positive people. Otherwise it will only sabotage you. Good luck!

I guess I was very lucky with this one. The people who knew and know about my surgery (or rather multiple ones) are/were usually curious but not hostile. When going to restaurants or ordering food for special events they usually ask what I can eat or not (I don't eat meat/dairy) and if I'm ok with the choice they made.
I can remember being at a fancy dinner after a meeting and one of my colleagues noticed me not eating that much even though the food was sooooo good (it was) and I freely admitted that I'd sometimes would like to be able to eat more, like e. g. tonight but that things are just as they are and that in the end it's not the end of the world. He asked some questions, I answered them and then we moved on to a different topic. I gave a damn that we we're surrounded by people. I'm not making it a secret, too much of a hassle.
Of course I can't look into their heads and I don't know if they're talking negatively about it behind my back.
I'm sorry to say so, but WLS patients are contributing to this stigma themselves by keeping their surgery a secret, sometimes trying to hide it at all cost and telling people they "just eating healthier and exercising" when asked about how they lost so much weight.
This "keeping it a secret" is usually explained with wanting to keep medical privacy. While I completely understand that medical history is private I still would like people to ask themselves the question if they would be as private about going to the dentist because of wisdom teeth surgery or having taken their gall bladder out. In fact "gall bladder surgery" is a popular camouflage for WLS as it seems, so "medical privacy" doesn't really seem to be the issue in the end.
There will always be toxic people in your environment. You can only try to get rid of as many of them as possible or at least limit contact to them as much as possible.
Regarding first dates with guys: maybe try to meet them for coffee first, not for dinner. No eating involved at all or maybe only something small.

Yes, absolutely. I had my roux en y done in January and the weight didn't start coming off until well into March. Everybody's system is different, and for those of us who are "slow losers" it's usually because it's taking our bodies longer to understand what just happened to it, how to process these new changes. Fret not though, it will come off and you will do great.