mousecat88

I'm going to look back at this in 6 months and wonder why I was stressing myself out so much.

Honestly, and this sounds really stupid... but I am really, really upset at the protein shake issue I am having. lol. I LOVED the Syntrax Nectar shakes so much but have constant nausea. Now since I am drinking the most horrible shakes ever, in my head I am telling myself this is all I will be able to ingest. I think if I could have some tasty shakes, this wouldn't seem so daunting. I honestly may just say whatever and drink the whey isolates and feel nauseous all the time simply so I don't have to have the horrible pea or egg protein. I don't know. It's frustrating.

Yes, I am completely cleared for surgery from all parties. I have clearance from both my personal psychiatrist and the psychiatrist from the hospital. I WANT to be 140lbs again. I just worry that something will go wrong and it will be another case of "bad liposuction"... where I didn't follow through with what I was supposed to and gained a ton of weight. Or, something goes horribly wrong... which no one can predict. I like to think I have it in me to commit to the lifestyle change... but I also know my own history and I don't know where my "rock bottom" is to give me that genuine motivation to succeed. I, like probably everyone else, have had so many failures in the past with weight loss that I worry this will be another one. Or maybe not. Maybe it will all be fantastic and I won't have cravings or feelings of constant hunger and food will be just another thing I need to live and nothing more.

I am intolerant to both the concentrate and the isolates. I can't have either. It's the actual protein itself. Nectar, Bariatric Advantage, Pure Protein, Quest, etc, are all isolates and I can't have them. Sometimes I think I want surgery simply because I think it will be a "quick fix" and solve my issues without me having to work at overcoming my mentality. I was 140lbs just 9 years ago. I still haven't even gotten used to the idea of me being fat.. when I think of myself in my head, I still see 140lb me. When I was 140lbs, I had very, very low self-esteem and had MASSIVE liposuction done. I did not have any dietitian, therapy, or trainer support. I became addicted to protein shakes (which, oddly, didn't bother me at all back then) and gained 30lbs within 4 months of surgery. I got really depressed and gained 150lbs over the last decade. At first it was emotional eating... now I eat because I always feel hungry and have severe cravings. The liposuction was the worst mistake I ever made... thinking it would be a quick fix for my self-esteem. I worry I am thinking along the same lines again for this surgery. I sometimes wonder if I could just lose the weight by myself if I just stuck to the diet change. I lost 60lbs by myself within 5 months last year, but got tired of eating healthy and started eating garbage again. If I just kept to my healthy eating, I probably WOULD be down 100lbs by now. I question if I am doing this for the right reasons. I don't have kids, and I just broke up with my bf of 5 years for several reasons... one being that he was insecure about the prospect of me losing weight and assumed I would leave him once I was thin. My mother considers this elective surgery and tells me I am mutilating myself. She recently has stopped berating my choice, but she is not actually supportive. My friends seem indifferent. I am pretty much alone.