Missouri-Lee's Summit

I think I'm having an especially rough day today. I can't quite put my finger on the source. Maybe the source isn't important. I'm trying my best to be positive, to forgive myself for little things that I could have made better choices about, to remember that I matter as a person too and that my well-being also counts. Sometimes I just need to hear that someone else cares, and that if the person could... they'd reach across this online forum and give me a much-wanted and much-needed big hug.
IN NEED OF A HUG ABOUT NOW.. and remember not to crush me, since I'm a smaller person (125lb less) with a less cushioned body. Don't worry about crushing my boobs though, since they have all but disappeared.

I've mentioned my body dysphoria several times and it's been over a year. I still find myself lurking in the 3x-4x plus size section even though I can easily fit into an XL (sometimes an L). I can't seem to stop searching for my next "fat uniform". I've never been a tight, form-fitting kind of gal, but the "tent look" is definitely hard to give up.
I have a difficult time accepting flattery and continue to doubt those who say, "You look great." I just don't see it. It's not my batwings or lose skin as one might suppose, it's just my overall self-outlook.
I'm not stupid. I know I'm different. I know I probably look different, too, but I just don't know how to deal with the new me without wondering if maybe it's just a dream and I'll eventually wake up 300lbs again.
I haven't thrown away any of my fat uniforms (or given any of them away either; I don't believe in discarding perfectly good clothing that can be resold at a thrift shop to benefit some cause.) My dietitian offered to make a dog bed blanket out of my "favorite" fat uniform, but I never dropped it off for her to repurpose.

I'm too old and too "done" with trying to be anything other than healthier. My boobs are deflated and saggy to China. My bowels still seem to have very little holding power. I've lost track of the number of times I've left a feces trail to the bathroom or lost my load right on the kitchen floor. It's as if my bowel muscles don't exist or all the rejiggering has shortened my "holding tank". I'd love for someone to explain the anatomical changes with my bowels. After one year, leaking is still a problem. And the smell. It's nothing like I've ever smelled. It's almost like it's not fully processed and comes out before the necessary flora or enzymes have had a chance to break things down. Bleach is a necessary standby. I feel like an incontinent old dog or something. It's humiliating. Should I consider wearing a diaper when I go out? I now keep a big pan under my bed so if I can't get to the bathroom in time (or it's occupied) I have a place to go other than the floor at my feet. It's a feeling like know other. I can relate to other people now, like my mother with dementia, who has her fair share of accidents. The shame I feel is hard to get past. I've started seeing a therapist. Amazingly, she has a history of her own... a mini-bypass sixteen years ago. It's nice to have someone understand my continuing body dysphoria, my bowel leaking, boob disappearance, etc.-- that on top of everything else going on. It's actually the "everything else" that creates the most distress in my life but I try to tell myself that we all have mountains of stress (just different circumstances) and I can get through this and more and be a stronger person for it. Anyway, I'm trying my best.
This site is the one place for me to continue venting, even after one year. It's a place of peace and non-judgmental acceptance. I don't know how many times (particularly in the beginning before and right after my surgery) when someone like Matt Z, AlteredRealty, Frust8, GreenTealael, FluffyChix and many others... who came to my rescue with good advice and much-needed empathy. I've needed you all less as time goes by, but when I do need someone... someone is always here. That is a feeling that has no monetary value. This site is invaluable to many of us for so many reasons. Thank you to all who have cared about me or helped me selflessly in big and small ways.

It happened to me, too. Boo-hoo.😪 Two sets of jiggly batwings. Saggy upper arms and freakishly saggy boobs. After four pregnancies and so much milk that I donated gallons to a milk bank... I got nuthin' now. To "celebrate" my amazing new silhouette, I've stopped wearing a bra. I mean, what's the point? And really... I might as well go out and get myself the same training bra I had when I was 11 years old, the one with the little pink rosebud in the middle.

I'm too old and too "done" with trying to be anything other than healthier. My boobs are deflated and saggy to China. My bowels still seem to have very little holding power. I've lost track of the number of times I've left a feces trail to the bathroom or lost my load right on the kitchen floor. It's as if my bowel muscles don't exist or all the rejiggering has shortened my "holding tank". I'd love for someone to explain the anatomical changes with my bowels. After one year, leaking is still a problem. And the smell. It's nothing like I've ever smelled. It's almost like it's not fully processed and comes out before the necessary flora or enzymes have had a chance to break things down. Bleach is a necessary standby. I feel like an incontinent old dog or something. It's humiliating. Should I consider wearing a diaper when I go out? I now keep a big pan under my bed so if I can't get to the bathroom in time (or it's occupied) I have a place to go other than the floor at my feet. It's a feeling like know other. I can relate to other people now, like my mother with dementia, who has her fair share of accidents. The shame I feel is hard to get past. I've started seeing a therapist. Amazingly, she has a history of her own... a mini-bypass sixteen years ago. It's nice to have someone understand my continuing body dysphoria, my bowel leaking, boob disappearance, etc.-- that on top of everything else going on. It's actually the "everything else" that creates the most distress in my life but I try to tell myself that we all have mountains of stress (just different circumstances) and I can get through this and more and be a stronger person for it. Anyway, I'm trying my best.
This site is the one place for me to continue venting, even after one year. It's a place of peace and non-judgmental acceptance. I don't know how many times (particularly in the beginning before and right after my surgery) when someone like Matt Z, AlteredRealty, Frust8, GreenTealael, FluffyChix and many others... who came to my rescue with good advice and much-needed empathy. I've needed you all less as time goes by, but when I do need someone... someone is always here. That is a feeling that has no monetary value. This site is invaluable to many of us for so many reasons. Thank you to all who have cared about me or helped me selflessly in big and small ways.

https://www.cardiovascularbusiness.com/topics/lipids-metabolic/new-criteria-extend-eligibility-bariatric-surgery
"The American Society for Metabolic and Bariatric Surgery’s latest publish as a step in the right direction for patients who are obese but might not meet current criteria for bariatric surgery. Right now those criteria, which are three decades old, are “arbitrarily” based on a patient’s body mass index and don’t account for other confounding factors.
“Too many see obesity as a problem of willpower, and it’s simply not,” Brethauer, a co-author of the new guidelines, said in a statement. “Patients must participate in their care by making healthy lifestyle changes, but the most effective treatment is often surgery, and that should be an option for patients who would benefit.”

https://www.cardiovascularbusiness.com/topics/lipids-metabolic/new-criteria-extend-eligibility-bariatric-surgery
"The American Society for Metabolic and Bariatric Surgery’s latest publish as a step in the right direction for patients who are obese but might not meet current criteria for bariatric surgery. Right now those criteria, which are three decades old, are “arbitrarily” based on a patient’s body mass index and don’t account for other confounding factors.
“Too many see obesity as a problem of willpower, and it’s simply not,” Brethauer, a co-author of the new guidelines, said in a statement. “Patients must participate in their care by making healthy lifestyle changes, but the most effective treatment is often surgery, and that should be an option for patients who would benefit.”

A hug from another Missouri person. Yea!

https://www.cardiovascularbusiness.com/topics/lipids-metabolic/new-criteria-extend-eligibility-bariatric-surgery
"The American Society for Metabolic and Bariatric Surgery’s latest publish as a step in the right direction for patients who are obese but might not meet current criteria for bariatric surgery. Right now those criteria, which are three decades old, are “arbitrarily” based on a patient’s body mass index and don’t account for other confounding factors.
“Too many see obesity as a problem of willpower, and it’s simply not,” Brethauer, a co-author of the new guidelines, said in a statement. “Patients must participate in their care by making healthy lifestyle changes, but the most effective treatment is often surgery, and that should be an option for patients who would benefit.”

https://www.cardiovascularbusiness.com/topics/lipids-metabolic/new-criteria-extend-eligibility-bariatric-surgery
"The American Society for Metabolic and Bariatric Surgery’s latest publish as a step in the right direction for patients who are obese but might not meet current criteria for bariatric surgery. Right now those criteria, which are three decades old, are “arbitrarily” based on a patient’s body mass index and don’t account for other confounding factors.
“Too many see obesity as a problem of willpower, and it’s simply not,” Brethauer, a co-author of the new guidelines, said in a statement. “Patients must participate in their care by making healthy lifestyle changes, but the most effective treatment is often surgery, and that should be an option for patients who would benefit.”

So, this guy is probably out of jail by now. Lost his license. A registered sex offender.
As it is with cases like this (I have a long history of childhood sexual abuse, including a miscarriage at age 12), the victims' lives are affected forever. Yes, I had many years of therapy including support groups. Yes, I know the shame and blame is with the perpetrators, but that fact doesn't always sink in during intrusive flashbacks or other times of emotional distress. PTSD doesn't just disappear the day the molester is released from prison.

Thanks for the backstory and update, Alex. I was afraid of inserting gratuitous anxiety into whatever is already an emotional time for people considering weight-loss surgery. Unfortunately, scumbags like this exist in every profession but it's particularly egregious when it creeps into a supposedly trusted doctor-patient relationship.

It happened to me, too. Boo-hoo.😪 Two sets of jiggly batwings. Saggy upper arms and freakishly saggy boobs. After four pregnancies and so much milk that I donated gallons to a milk bank... I got nuthin' now. To "celebrate" my amazing new silhouette, I've stopped wearing a bra. I mean, what's the point? And really... I might as well go out and get myself the same training bra I had when I was 11 years old, the one with the little pink rosebud in the middle.

It happened to me, too. Boo-hoo.😪 Two sets of jiggly batwings. Saggy upper arms and freakishly saggy boobs. After four pregnancies and so much milk that I donated gallons to a milk bank... I got nuthin' now. To "celebrate" my amazing new silhouette, I've stopped wearing a bra. I mean, what's the point? And really... I might as well go out and get myself the same training bra I had when I was 11 years old, the one with the little pink rosebud in the middle.

I do not care for my surgeon as a person, but as a surgeon I know he's well-qualified. Obviously, it would be great to have a surgeon that didn't talk and behave like an ass, but if you're willing to overlook his bedside shortcomings in exchange for a competent surgeon, then feel confident that you made a good decision.
Do I find your surgeon's comments inappropriate and sexist? Absolutely. Would I have wished that I had the perfect comeback when he made his disparaging remarks about women who want to build healthy muscle? Absolutely. My guess is that you're mainly peeved because he got away with saying what he said, and you weren't able (out of sheer disbelief perhaps) to challenge his asshattery. Instead of being able to express yourself fully with him, your only outlet (and a less satisfying outlet) is to vent here.
I doubt if I'm alone as a woman in feeling hesitant to speak up for myself. As a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, I often "flew away". It took years of therapy before I could rid myself of that shame.
In some ways, I was conditioned, as are many women, to be shrinking violets. There's also the issue of status involved in your case. We've been taught to respect certain professionals, doctors included. So, here you are confronted by a male doctor who completely caught you off-guard by basically equating unattractiveness with muscles. Heck, we're already fat and feeling bad about that, now to be told that to build muscle is unfeminine. Wow. Imagine paying an insurance co-pay to hear all this crap.
It's important for you to be a strong self-advocate. You are taking a life-changing step with weight-loss surgery, so why stop there? For your own self-respect, I'd politely but firmly revisit this conversation by letting him know that you were offended by his views on women who lift weights and press him about whether there is a medical reason for you to not lift weights or if this was just his subjective view.
If you read my profile statement, you'll discover that I had a negative hospital experience with my doctor. Yes, I vented like crazy here and elsewhere, but as soon as I saw my surgeon at my first follow-up appointment walking down the hall (I was actually supposed to see a nurse practitioner for this visit), I approached him with confidence, touched his arm, and said, "Dr. S---, I am not very happy with you. In fact, I'm very disappointed." He was so taken off-guard by my bluntness that he escorted me into the exam room and spent 45 minutes worth of damage control on me. You can imagine the bewilderment of the nurse when she walked in and he was with me. She probably thought she was the one in trouble. The point is, I took back some of the dignity that I felt had been taken from me previously.
Yes, it was "just" a statement about muscles, but where do you draw the line? You wouldn't be here venting if it didn't bother the becheezits out of you.
Believe me, you'll feel better about yourself for at least trying to stand up for yourself. It might not go over well, maybe you feel clumsy getting out your words, but it's better than saying nothing. Practice self-advocacy until it becomes second nature. The older I get, the easier it's becoming. When you don't speak up for yourself, you are essentially giving the other person the power and permission to put you down.

I do not care for my surgeon as a person, but as a surgeon I know he's well-qualified. Obviously, it would be great to have a surgeon that didn't talk and behave like an ass, but if you're willing to overlook his bedside shortcomings in exchange for a competent surgeon, then feel confident that you made a good decision.
Do I find your surgeon's comments inappropriate and sexist? Absolutely. Would I have wished that I had the perfect comeback when he made his disparaging remarks about women who want to build healthy muscle? Absolutely. My guess is that you're mainly peeved because he got away with saying what he said, and you weren't able (out of sheer disbelief perhaps) to challenge his asshattery. Instead of being able to express yourself fully with him, your only outlet (and a less satisfying outlet) is to vent here.
I doubt if I'm alone as a woman in feeling hesitant to speak up for myself. As a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, I often "flew away". It took years of therapy before I could rid myself of that shame.
In some ways, I was conditioned, as are many women, to be shrinking violets. There's also the issue of status involved in your case. We've been taught to respect certain professionals, doctors included. So, here you are confronted by a male doctor who completely caught you off-guard by basically equating unattractiveness with muscles. Heck, we're already fat and feeling bad about that, now to be told that to build muscle is unfeminine. Wow. Imagine paying an insurance co-pay to hear all this crap.
It's important for you to be a strong self-advocate. You are taking a life-changing step with weight-loss surgery, so why stop there? For your own self-respect, I'd politely but firmly revisit this conversation by letting him know that you were offended by his views on women who lift weights and press him about whether there is a medical reason for you to not lift weights or if this was just his subjective view.
If you read my profile statement, you'll discover that I had a negative hospital experience with my doctor. Yes, I vented like crazy here and elsewhere, but as soon as I saw my surgeon at my first follow-up appointment walking down the hall (I was actually supposed to see a nurse practitioner for this visit), I approached him with confidence, touched his arm, and said, "Dr. S---, I am not very happy with you. In fact, I'm very disappointed." He was so taken off-guard by my bluntness that he escorted me into the exam room and spent 45 minutes worth of damage control on me. You can imagine the bewilderment of the nurse when she walked in and he was with me. She probably thought she was the one in trouble. The point is, I took back some of the dignity that I felt had been taken from me previously.
Yes, it was "just" a statement about muscles, but where do you draw the line? You wouldn't be here venting if it didn't bother the becheezits out of you.
Believe me, you'll feel better about yourself for at least trying to stand up for yourself. It might not go over well, maybe you feel clumsy getting out your words, but it's better than saying nothing. Practice self-advocacy until it becomes second nature. The older I get, the easier it's becoming. When you don't speak up for yourself, you are essentially giving the other person the power and permission to put you down.

I tried EVERYTHING before finally settling on opioids. My daughter is a PharmD and two of my three sons are medical doctors. Anyone who tries to treat me as an attention-seeking, drug-seeking hypochondriac... WATCH OUT! My pain is my pain. 360mg morphine daily with oxycodone 10mg for breakthru. The CDC has made it hell for many chronic pain patients because of the opioid-crisis hysteria.
https://twitter.com/ThomasKlineMD

http://dontpunishpainrally.com

I do not care for my surgeon as a person, but as a surgeon I know he's well-qualified. Obviously, it would be great to have a surgeon that didn't talk and behave like an ass, but if you're willing to overlook his bedside shortcomings in exchange for a competent surgeon, then feel confident that you made a good decision.
Do I find your surgeon's comments inappropriate and sexist? Absolutely. Would I have wished that I had the perfect comeback when he made his disparaging remarks about women who want to build healthy muscle? Absolutely. My guess is that you're mainly peeved because he got away with saying what he said, and you weren't able (out of sheer disbelief perhaps) to challenge his asshattery. Instead of being able to express yourself fully with him, your only outlet (and a less satisfying outlet) is to vent here.
I doubt if I'm alone as a woman in feeling hesitant to speak up for myself. As a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, I often "flew away". It took years of therapy before I could rid myself of that shame.
In some ways, I was conditioned, as are many women, to be shrinking violets. There's also the issue of status involved in your case. We've been taught to respect certain professionals, doctors included. So, here you are confronted by a male doctor who completely caught you off-guard by basically equating unattractiveness with muscles. Heck, we're already fat and feeling bad about that, now to be told that to build muscle is unfeminine. Wow. Imagine paying an insurance co-pay to hear all this crap.
It's important for you to be a strong self-advocate. You are taking a life-changing step with weight-loss surgery, so why stop there? For your own self-respect, I'd politely but firmly revisit this conversation by letting him know that you were offended by his views on women who lift weights and press him about whether there is a medical reason for you to not lift weights or if this was just his subjective view.
If you read my profile statement, you'll discover that I had a negative hospital experience with my doctor. Yes, I vented like crazy here and elsewhere, but as soon as I saw my surgeon at my first follow-up appointment walking down the hall (I was actually supposed to see a nurse practitioner for this visit), I approached him with confidence, touched his arm, and said, "Dr. S---, I am not very happy with you. In fact, I'm very disappointed." He was so taken off-guard by my bluntness that he escorted me into the exam room and spent 45 minutes worth of damage control on me. You can imagine the bewilderment of the nurse when she walked in and he was with me. She probably thought she was the one in trouble. The point is, I took back some of the dignity that I felt had been taken from me previously.
Yes, it was "just" a statement about muscles, but where do you draw the line? You wouldn't be here venting if it didn't bother the becheezits out of you.
Believe me, you'll feel better about yourself for at least trying to stand up for yourself. It might not go over well, maybe you feel clumsy getting out your words, but it's better than saying nothing. Practice self-advocacy until it becomes second nature. The older I get, the easier it's becoming. When you don't speak up for yourself, you are essentially giving the other person the power and permission to put you down.

I do not care for my surgeon as a person, but as a surgeon I know he's well-qualified. Obviously, it would be great to have a surgeon that didn't talk and behave like an ass, but if you're willing to overlook his bedside shortcomings in exchange for a competent surgeon, then feel confident that you made a good decision.
Do I find your surgeon's comments inappropriate and sexist? Absolutely. Would I have wished that I had the perfect comeback when he made his disparaging remarks about women who want to build healthy muscle? Absolutely. My guess is that you're mainly peeved because he got away with saying what he said, and you weren't able (out of sheer disbelief perhaps) to challenge his asshattery. Instead of being able to express yourself fully with him, your only outlet (and a less satisfying outlet) is to vent here.
I doubt if I'm alone as a woman in feeling hesitant to speak up for myself. As a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, I often "flew away". It took years of therapy before I could rid myself of that shame.
In some ways, I was conditioned, as are many women, to be shrinking violets. There's also the issue of status involved in your case. We've been taught to respect certain professionals, doctors included. So, here you are confronted by a male doctor who completely caught you off-guard by basically equating unattractiveness with muscles. Heck, we're already fat and feeling bad about that, now to be told that to build muscle is unfeminine. Wow. Imagine paying an insurance co-pay to hear all this crap.
It's important for you to be a strong self-advocate. You are taking a life-changing step with weight-loss surgery, so why stop there? For your own self-respect, I'd politely but firmly revisit this conversation by letting him know that you were offended by his views on women who lift weights and press him about whether there is a medical reason for you to not lift weights or if this was just his subjective view.
If you read my profile statement, you'll discover that I had a negative hospital experience with my doctor. Yes, I vented like crazy here and elsewhere, but as soon as I saw my surgeon at my first follow-up appointment walking down the hall (I was actually supposed to see a nurse practitioner for this visit), I approached him with confidence, touched his arm, and said, "Dr. S---, I am not very happy with you. In fact, I'm very disappointed." He was so taken off-guard by my bluntness that he escorted me into the exam room and spent 45 minutes worth of damage control on me. You can imagine the bewilderment of the nurse when she walked in and he was with me. She probably thought she was the one in trouble. The point is, I took back some of the dignity that I felt had been taken from me previously.
Yes, it was "just" a statement about muscles, but where do you draw the line? You wouldn't be here venting if it didn't bother the becheezits out of you.
Believe me, you'll feel better about yourself for at least trying to stand up for yourself. It might not go over well, maybe you feel clumsy getting out your words, but it's better than saying nothing. Practice self-advocacy until it becomes second nature. The older I get, the easier it's becoming. When you don't speak up for yourself, you are essentially giving the other person the power and permission to put you down.

I just reread my initial reply to this thread. Wow, was I riled up. Sort of wish I knew how this all turned out. Does anyone have another story about not speaking up and allowing someone to get away with making them feel small and unprepared?

I do not care for my surgeon as a person, but as a surgeon I know he's well-qualified. Obviously, it would be great to have a surgeon that didn't talk and behave like an ass, but if you're willing to overlook his bedside shortcomings in exchange for a competent surgeon, then feel confident that you made a good decision.
Do I find your surgeon's comments inappropriate and sexist? Absolutely. Would I have wished that I had the perfect comeback when he made his disparaging remarks about women who want to build healthy muscle? Absolutely. My guess is that you're mainly peeved because he got away with saying what he said, and you weren't able (out of sheer disbelief perhaps) to challenge his asshattery. Instead of being able to express yourself fully with him, your only outlet (and a less satisfying outlet) is to vent here.
I doubt if I'm alone as a woman in feeling hesitant to speak up for myself. As a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, I often "flew away". It took years of therapy before I could rid myself of that shame.
In some ways, I was conditioned, as are many women, to be shrinking violets. There's also the issue of status involved in your case. We've been taught to respect certain professionals, doctors included. So, here you are confronted by a male doctor who completely caught you off-guard by basically equating unattractiveness with muscles. Heck, we're already fat and feeling bad about that, now to be told that to build muscle is unfeminine. Wow. Imagine paying an insurance co-pay to hear all this crap.
It's important for you to be a strong self-advocate. You are taking a life-changing step with weight-loss surgery, so why stop there? For your own self-respect, I'd politely but firmly revisit this conversation by letting him know that you were offended by his views on women who lift weights and press him about whether there is a medical reason for you to not lift weights or if this was just his subjective view.
If you read my profile statement, you'll discover that I had a negative hospital experience with my doctor. Yes, I vented like crazy here and elsewhere, but as soon as I saw my surgeon at my first follow-up appointment walking down the hall (I was actually supposed to see a nurse practitioner for this visit), I approached him with confidence, touched his arm, and said, "Dr. S---, I am not very happy with you. In fact, I'm very disappointed." He was so taken off-guard by my bluntness that he escorted me into the exam room and spent 45 minutes worth of damage control on me. You can imagine the bewilderment of the nurse when she walked in and he was with me. She probably thought she was the one in trouble. The point is, I took back some of the dignity that I felt had been taken from me previously.
Yes, it was "just" a statement about muscles, but where do you draw the line? You wouldn't be here venting if it didn't bother the becheezits out of you.
Believe me, you'll feel better about yourself for at least trying to stand up for yourself. It might not go over well, maybe you feel clumsy getting out your words, but it's better than saying nothing. Practice self-advocacy until it becomes second nature. The older I get, the easier it's becoming. When you don't speak up for yourself, you are essentially giving the other person the power and permission to put you down.

I do not care for my surgeon as a person, but as a surgeon I know he's well-qualified. Obviously, it would be great to have a surgeon that didn't talk and behave like an ass, but if you're willing to overlook his bedside shortcomings in exchange for a competent surgeon, then feel confident that you made a good decision.
Do I find your surgeon's comments inappropriate and sexist? Absolutely. Would I have wished that I had the perfect comeback when he made his disparaging remarks about women who want to build healthy muscle? Absolutely. My guess is that you're mainly peeved because he got away with saying what he said, and you weren't able (out of sheer disbelief perhaps) to challenge his asshattery. Instead of being able to express yourself fully with him, your only outlet (and a less satisfying outlet) is to vent here.
I doubt if I'm alone as a woman in feeling hesitant to speak up for myself. As a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, I often "flew away". It took years of therapy before I could rid myself of that shame.
In some ways, I was conditioned, as are many women, to be shrinking violets. There's also the issue of status involved in your case. We've been taught to respect certain professionals, doctors included. So, here you are confronted by a male doctor who completely caught you off-guard by basically equating unattractiveness with muscles. Heck, we're already fat and feeling bad about that, now to be told that to build muscle is unfeminine. Wow. Imagine paying an insurance co-pay to hear all this crap.
It's important for you to be a strong self-advocate. You are taking a life-changing step with weight-loss surgery, so why stop there? For your own self-respect, I'd politely but firmly revisit this conversation by letting him know that you were offended by his views on women who lift weights and press him about whether there is a medical reason for you to not lift weights or if this was just his subjective view.
If you read my profile statement, you'll discover that I had a negative hospital experience with my doctor. Yes, I vented like crazy here and elsewhere, but as soon as I saw my surgeon at my first follow-up appointment walking down the hall (I was actually supposed to see a nurse practitioner for this visit), I approached him with confidence, touched his arm, and said, "Dr. S---, I am not very happy with you. In fact, I'm very disappointed." He was so taken off-guard by my bluntness that he escorted me into the exam room and spent 45 minutes worth of damage control on me. You can imagine the bewilderment of the nurse when she walked in and he was with me. She probably thought she was the one in trouble. The point is, I took back some of the dignity that I felt had been taken from me previously.
Yes, it was "just" a statement about muscles, but where do you draw the line? You wouldn't be here venting if it didn't bother the becheezits out of you.
Believe me, you'll feel better about yourself for at least trying to stand up for yourself. It might not go over well, maybe you feel clumsy getting out your words, but it's better than saying nothing. Practice self-advocacy until it becomes second nature. The older I get, the easier it's becoming. When you don't speak up for yourself, you are essentially giving the other person the power and permission to put you down.

I do not care for my surgeon as a person, but as a surgeon I know he's well-qualified. Obviously, it would be great to have a surgeon that didn't talk and behave like an ass, but if you're willing to overlook his bedside shortcomings in exchange for a competent surgeon, then feel confident that you made a good decision.
Do I find your surgeon's comments inappropriate and sexist? Absolutely. Would I have wished that I had the perfect comeback when he made his disparaging remarks about women who want to build healthy muscle? Absolutely. My guess is that you're mainly peeved because he got away with saying what he said, and you weren't able (out of sheer disbelief perhaps) to challenge his asshattery. Instead of being able to express yourself fully with him, your only outlet (and a less satisfying outlet) is to vent here.
I doubt if I'm alone as a woman in feeling hesitant to speak up for myself. As a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, I often "flew away". It took years of therapy before I could rid myself of that shame.
In some ways, I was conditioned, as are many women, to be shrinking violets. There's also the issue of status involved in your case. We've been taught to respect certain professionals, doctors included. So, here you are confronted by a male doctor who completely caught you off-guard by basically equating unattractiveness with muscles. Heck, we're already fat and feeling bad about that, now to be told that to build muscle is unfeminine. Wow. Imagine paying an insurance co-pay to hear all this crap.
It's important for you to be a strong self-advocate. You are taking a life-changing step with weight-loss surgery, so why stop there? For your own self-respect, I'd politely but firmly revisit this conversation by letting him know that you were offended by his views on women who lift weights and press him about whether there is a medical reason for you to not lift weights or if this was just his subjective view.
If you read my profile statement, you'll discover that I had a negative hospital experience with my doctor. Yes, I vented like crazy here and elsewhere, but as soon as I saw my surgeon at my first follow-up appointment walking down the hall (I was actually supposed to see a nurse practitioner for this visit), I approached him with confidence, touched his arm, and said, "Dr. S---, I am not very happy with you. In fact, I'm very disappointed." He was so taken off-guard by my bluntness that he escorted me into the exam room and spent 45 minutes worth of damage control on me. You can imagine the bewilderment of the nurse when she walked in and he was with me. She probably thought she was the one in trouble. The point is, I took back some of the dignity that I felt had been taken from me previously.
Yes, it was "just" a statement about muscles, but where do you draw the line? You wouldn't be here venting if it didn't bother the becheezits out of you.
Believe me, you'll feel better about yourself for at least trying to stand up for yourself. It might not go over well, maybe you feel clumsy getting out your words, but it's better than saying nothing. Practice self-advocacy until it becomes second nature. The older I get, the easier it's becoming. When you don't speak up for yourself, you are essentially giving the other person the power and permission to put you down.

Oops. Hit the reply button twice. Why are we unable to delete a newly-written post altogether?

I do not care for my surgeon as a person, but as a surgeon I know he's well-qualified. Obviously, it would be great to have a surgeon that didn't talk and behave like an ass, but if you're willing to overlook his bedside shortcomings in exchange for a competent surgeon, then feel confident that you made a good decision.
Do I find your surgeon's comments inappropriate and sexist? Absolutely. Would I have wished that I had the perfect comeback when he made his disparaging remarks about women who want to build healthy muscle? Absolutely. My guess is that you're mainly peeved because he got away with saying what he said, and you weren't able (out of sheer disbelief perhaps) to challenge his asshattery. Instead of being able to express yourself fully with him, your only outlet (and a less satisfying outlet) is to vent here.
I doubt if I'm alone as a woman in feeling hesitant to speak up for myself. As a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, I often "flew away". It took years of therapy before I could rid myself of that shame.
In some ways, I was conditioned, as are many women, to be shrinking violets. There's also the issue of status involved in your case. We've been taught to respect certain professionals, doctors included. So, here you are confronted by a male doctor who completely caught you off-guard by basically equating unattractiveness with muscles. Heck, we're already fat and feeling bad about that, now to be told that to build muscle is unfeminine. Wow. Imagine paying an insurance co-pay to hear all this crap.
It's important for you to be a strong self-advocate. You are taking a life-changing step with weight-loss surgery, so why stop there? For your own self-respect, I'd politely but firmly revisit this conversation by letting him know that you were offended by his views on women who lift weights and press him about whether there is a medical reason for you to not lift weights or if this was just his subjective view.
If you read my profile statement, you'll discover that I had a negative hospital experience with my doctor. Yes, I vented like crazy here and elsewhere, but as soon as I saw my surgeon at my first follow-up appointment walking down the hall (I was actually supposed to see a nurse practitioner for this visit), I approached him with confidence, touched his arm, and said, "Dr. S---, I am not very happy with you. In fact, I'm very disappointed." He was so taken off-guard by my bluntness that he escorted me into the exam room and spent 45 minutes worth of damage control on me. You can imagine the bewilderment of the nurse when she walked in and he was with me. She probably thought she was the one in trouble. The point is, I took back some of the dignity that I felt had been taken from me previously.
Yes, it was "just" a statement about muscles, but where do you draw the line? You wouldn't be here venting if it didn't bother the becheezits out of you.
Believe me, you'll feel better about yourself for at least trying to stand up for yourself. It might not go over well, maybe you feel clumsy getting out your words, but it's better than saying nothing. Practice self-advocacy until it becomes second nature. The older I get, the easier it's becoming. When you don't speak up for yourself, you are essentially giving the other person the power and permission to put you down.