I kind of just need to vent and air out my laundry. So feel free to read on and offer advice as you see fit. I know it is long so you don’t have to read it either. Maybe you can relate, maybe you can’t but I wanted to share this with people who might understand. I do have some before and after pictures at the bottoms also if you just want to look at those!
I am having a hard time lately. I had my sleeve surgery on 5/29/16. I started this process at the end of October 2015 weighing in at 540 pounds. I used to have to wear portable oxygen 24/7 because I was so overweight my fat was pressing against my lungs and restricting my breathing. I have managed to get down to 248 pounds since my surgery 14 months ago. Now I can walk 6 miles up and down hills without even getting out of breath.
I just had the first of many plastic surgeries on June 5th. It was just an interim surgery since I am not at goal yet, but losing over 290 pounds will affect your skin drastically and I needed my stomach hang removed for quality of life reasons.
I want many more plastic surgeries. My thighs are my biggest concern. My plastic surgeon told me he wants me to get to goal and wait at least 9 months at a stable weight before we do any more though.
My doctor’s just want me to get to a size 12 or 10 as my goal. I started at a size 38/40 and now I am a size 14/16. That is insane to me honestly. I don’t think I have been a size 14/16 since I was 10 years old.
Now, to be clear, I am a huge self-sabotager. I have been challenged by this since I was a kid. I have been in therapy since I was 6 with various issues and still see a great therapist every week.
For over the past month I have not been cooking. Mostly because I had no energy and I was in pain still from my surgery. I don’t heal that great after surgery and it lasts with me a long time. Instead of meal planning and cooking I have been eating take out, sweets, and junk and I know it’s not helpful. Thankfully I have only gained about .8 of a pound with my self-sabotaging ways.
Honestly guys, I think it’s because I’m scared. I’m scared of what it will be like without my fat around me. I have been overweight since I was 3 years old. It’s all I’ve known. I used to have day dreams when I was in school of just getting on the bus and unzipping myself from this fat suit I was stuck in and everyone being amazing at this beautiful girl I actually was.
Here I am at 30, basically doing that and it terrifies me.
I’m not saying I’m unhappy with the weightloss, not at all. I am ECSTATIC! I can actually live my life and join in on the world instead of being trapped in my body and only living as a shell of a human being.
I can go to amusement parks and fit on the rides. Which is what I did this weekend as a kind of declaration of freedom and just a time to enjoy myself with friends.
I can be active, I don’t need to worry about if I will fit in a small space (but still my mind tells me I won’t and I’m scared every time that I won’t fit. I was terrified to get on every roller coaster at the park. Not because of the ride, but I was afraid I wouldn’t fit and the embarrassment would kill me).
This has been a draining experience, both physically and mentally. But for me, the mental part has been the hardest.
I was able to recognize that I was self-sabotaging out of fear though. I was able to get up, shake myself off, and start again. Because that is what you have to do. I have meal planned, weighed and measured my food, tracked everything, and started more activity.
I will not let my manipulative brain win this time.
I have come too far to stop now. I will not give up and I will NEVER go back to the girl who couldn’t live the life she wanted.
