Kathleen jaggers

Ok been afraid to write this for fear someone I know will see it. In 2 months it will be 2 years since my surgery. Gastric sleeve. Was about 325 at start. A jerk of a psychiatrist put me on crap loads of seroquel and I gained 80 lbs which got me over the 300 lb mark. Have been on disability for over 7 years for severe depression. Was in another state for 5 years taking care of my elderly mother because my 6 brothers and sisters who lived there wouldn't. I only went out of the house to go to therapist and psychiatrist. Besides my 3 month and 4 month stays at Columbia Nyspi. Had my surgery in ny. By a surgeon who was highly recommended by many. His groups were a joke. The nutritionist I was sent to was only interested in getting me qualified.  About 4 months after surgery I told my surgeon I was binging and purging. His answer!  " don't do that ".  Spent 5 months in residential treatment center for depression and eating disorder. Still have both and am smoking again. I am a chef whose specialty is baking. I love it and it's so a part of me.  My mom passed 13 months ago and I am back home. I got a rescue puppy who helps me a lot. I don't want to eat anything then I want to eat everything. Then it hurts and I purge. I am so afraid I am going to rip my staples out. I started walking and was up to 5-6 miles every morning. 2 hours.  I am now wearing a cam boot and using a walker. I have 2 stress fractures in my foot from walking. I am and have been a waterholic. I drink about 2 quarts just through the night. I have a gallon jug and a 2 quart jug next to my bed. Some of which I use for my cpap but most I drink.  I try not to drink after I eat but I never make it an hour. Crap, I know I need help but don't know how to find who I need. Hard enough to find a regular psychiatrist and therapist never mind someone who deals with what I am going through. I am scared, disappointed in myself and don't know where to turn. Anyone else want to out themselves or have any ideas? Sorry this is so long but I had to say it some how.