I feel like I need to post this somewhere and that this app is appropriate for what I want to let out. You don't have to read this at all, I just think that this is something I have to write before surgery so that I know that I'm leaving my past and bad habits in the past and not dwelling on anything for my future, for my success. Ever since I could remember I've had a unhealthy relationship with food; food served as a emotional anchor for me growing up, it made me feel ok and it was the only consistent thing in my life when things started going downhill for me. I got sick, I was depressed and anxious all the time and the only place I felt safe and secure was alone in my room. I'd stay up incredibly late at night, watching reruns of shows like 'George Lopez' and 'What I Like About You' on nick at night, going online, eating until I felt like I couldn't possibly eat anymore, going to bed around 5-7 am most mornings and not waking up until 12-2pm. I completely ditched school. I was in seventh grade when my eating habits slowly turned into a binge eating disorder and being completely uncontrollable for me. I'd see myself in the mirror and immediately break down into tears, I'd wear clothes 3 times my size as if that made me look smaller, but it's what I felt most safe in... drowning in 3XL shirts and 1XL pants before it was even necessary. I was extremely ashamed of myself and completely hid myself away from everyone; whenever someone would come over, I'd usually hide out in my room the shame was too much to bear for me most days and I would just.. sleep or eat away everything horrible I was feeling. I had friends online and at that point in my life that was good enough for me, I didn't have to make them endure the disgusting sight of me (my thoughts then) and it again felt.. safer. I was extremely depressed then but not as depressed as the next year. My mother fell in love with a dude from CA and abandoned her old life in NV (and unfortunately my huge family was separated) and we moved. I went back to school and did awfully, my mom got taken from me as did my baby brother and that was.. horrifying. I was in 8th grade and I actually made friends but I was wearing my security blankets (3XL shirts and XL sweatpants) and was heckled dearly as assumed and I was kicked out of my friend group. I spent the rest of the year writing my mom letters, stealing school food, eating alone (and secretly) in the library where I felt most comfortable. I planned something horrific to help with my pain but luckily never went through with it. My mom came back after a month and everything was a little better. P.E was obviously my worst subject and the subject with the most ridicule for fat people. You had to run a mile in 10 minutes and I was literally shamed mercilessly for not being able to run by my P.E teacher. In his defense, I hardly tried but only because I knew what the outcome would be; I'd run for a few seconds then be completely exhausted and have to walk the rest of the mile out of breath. And if THAT wasn't enough embarrassment you had to weigh yourself in front of your class :-) The only people who could see your weight are the teacher and you but still.. you'd hear chuckles when you stepped on and off. But P.E wasn't always bad, by the end of the semester I lost 30 pounds and I haven't forgot the way his face lit up with pride when he saw how much I lost which made me feel so good. I wanted to make a change but to no prevail I started binging again the next week. I'm not going to go completely through my life for the next 5 years because those were the years where I felt the most bad about myself. The next year I got extremely confident; started wearing makeup, wearing clothes that I felt cute in, and I made a lot of friends my freshman year. I still binged but more so because of the routine I put myself in, less because of my emotional instability. I still was depressed but not in the soul crushing ways I felt before, just in the ways in which I was so unhappy with my body and started realizing more and more the hole I dug myself in and how badly I treated my body which produced all kinds of shame. I never went back to completely isolating myself but it did vary on the days I ate until my stomach felt like it was going to explode. Now I'm trying really hard. I still feel the shame and I think it will take me awhile until I stop feeling this way. Like the 6 month weigh in was extremely hard for me, I gave in and some days completely ditched my meal plan because I felt I needed to binge.. it's not as powerful as it used to be but it came such a daily thing in my life that sometimes it's hard not to wake up and start binging. But I have a plan and am acting on it. I need to start seeing a therapist again and will absolutely make sure I do so during recovery time so I don't slip up. I won't let myself slip up. Anyway this was the most depressing thing and I'm sorry if I bummed any of you out because like truly growing up was sad and how I lived my life for so long but I've improved so much since then and am proud of myself. I still disassociate and have a lot of depersonalization issues but.. I'm working on it. My body paid an awful cost for my negligence and I have never forgiven myself for it, but slowly I am trying because I want to be successful. Thank you for reading ❣️ Sent from my iPhone using the BariatricPal App
