newhope4me

i didn't make this challenge. I've been at a plateau for a couple of weeks now. Going to up the exercise beginning this week. I will make the next challenge.

i agree it may have something to do with her self image. My former coworker who was banded about a year before me was like this. She had a reputation of being like this a bit before being banded, i think the sex made her feel attractive for that amount of time. But after she was banded, it was worse. It seemed like her head expanded while her waist decreased. Then, she made a decision (that many of us felt was extremely hasty) that has ruined her life and we are wondering what she is going to do. She worked in the same job for more than 15 years, in hospitality in a facility for only a select few. After she lost about 80 lbs, this one person showed an attraction to her. He had been patronizing her place of employment the whole time she worked there, but not until she lost the weight did he notice her. Within a month, she had quit her job (cannot date the patrons), moved in with him (which in turn burnt several bridges personally for her-family and friends) and they were engaged. About a month ago (less than 9 months into this relationship) he tells her he's going back to his ex wife (who has left him 4 times before, the most recent time for 1/2 million), but that he will put her up in an apt until she can get back on her feet. She has no job, no where to go. For us looking in, we see that she never should have given up so much for someone, especially after less than a month.

What I didn't know before was that you have to relearn how to eat. I was raised in the midwest in a poor farming community. Where i am from the serving sizes are enough to feed a small family. You cleaned your plate, no matter what. there are still times that i struggle to try to clean my plate, even though it hurts. I am still trying to pay attention to the "full" feeling. Yes it is there. Only a few times, when trying to clean my plate, has it felt like "a hotdog is stuck in your esophagus" I have not told anyone (except family) about my decision. I made a huge change in our lifestyle when I was banded. My whole family eats better now, avoiding sugar, eating mostly chicken and veggies. My hubby and daughter order in once a week, thats their treat. I don't feel like i am lying when i tell people that we have changed our lifestyle and we are increasing our exercise. It is the truth. no one needs to know that i am not strong enough to do without the help of the band. I have had one person guess that i had the band, only because she is looking into it, and noticed my eating habits. I was so offguard when she asked me about it, that i hesitated before answering her, but i was honest with her. Because she is "one of us" i am not ashamed. Its easy, for me anyway, to not "eat a whole meal or drink a beer" with friends. You can always say you aren't very hungry, which you wont be as much as you used to be. And if you are changing your lifestyle to a healthier one, not drinking beer is part of that. Instead have a glass of wine or a cocktail (just remember these have a lot of empty calories). Like i said, my most difficult transition was (is still occassionally, if i wait too long between meals) re-learning how to eat.

I was just over 200 lbs when i got banded. I am short and there are several co-morbites in my family. I turn 40 this year, and I was only getting larger. I want to prevent the health problems that my grandparents and now my mother have gone/are going through. I think a bmi of 35, you should be able to get banded. I agree with those who say that by the time you are at 40, it's no longer preventive, but trying to reverse the clock.

In regards to telling her spouse, since this is your decision, if you do decide to tell him, you must be prepared for every possibility it could go. This could start your pain all over again. Some spouses are not ready to accept the truth. I would hate for him to throw that pain back on you for telling him and his refusal to accept it, and try to blame you for upsetting his "perfect life." I've seen this happen. Also, if she is staying out of your life and not harrassing you any longer, that could restart. I say that I would want to know, but how can I know for sure. Would i accept the truth? I think you have been strong thus far and you are doing things logically, especially since you have kids involved. It is easier for all of us to give advice, even those of us who have been through this (1st husband was a jerk!), but only you can make the decisions here. I know what I always try to do is think about how I would want my daughter to do in the same circumstances, since I try to be a good example for her. Since you have boys (I have 2), they will see your pain and maybe not know exactly what is going on, but they see you being strong for your family. That is a great strength to teach them. I know it's hard, and it's a long road, but eventually, life does get better. And remember God (and hope you aren't offended by this) doesn't give us more than we can handle.

"...maybe we weren't meant to be together, but that doesn't mean i'm not going to love you and stay with you." I just want some opinions. I don't want to say how I took it, so as not to cloud your opinion. :confused2:

I agree! I have suggested so many times. But he's a Marine (and a guy, lol) so that would be admitting weakness.(in his eyes) So it's not going to happen. I've gone to counseling off and on my whole life, he's even supported me through some. But it's not for him he says. He feels he should be able to fix whatever it is between us that is wrong. "That's my job as your husband."

i did talk to him about it today. I told him that apparently i took it wrong, so i wanted to know what he meant. after he sighed (to me this means, "oh, God, here we go again") he told me that he can't articulate what he means very well sometimes. i tried to get him to explain what he meant, and explained how i took it. he said (before letting me finish my explanation of how i took it) that its not how he meant it, but can't articulate what he meant. basically he tried to end the conversation. i just feel like there's something behind the phrase, a feeling he hasn't shared before, he feels he's missing out on something, but feels stuck, i don't know. we did start out as friends, used to go to bars together and hit on other people, i bought him dances with from exotic dancers. but now i feel like we are barely friends. i don't know much about his day unless i overhear him telling his friend. sorry to bother everyone with this, just getting very depressed over this whole situation. but i do thank everyone for thier input.

we were not arguing. he was upset with his day and my lack of response to it (i didn't know he had a bad day, until he told me). i told him i didn't want him to settle with me, i wouldnt want to be the one someone settled for. he said i took it wrong and to stop thinking negatively but didn't say exactly what he meant. i find it hard to look at it positively. our biggest issue is communication, we are both afraid to hurt the other's feelings. so, it is hard to bring it up again to talk about.

well, to me it sounds like, it's too much of a hassle to get out of this, i'm here, so i guess i'll try to make the best of it. in other words, he's settling for me. or am i being paranoid?

ok, we have recently ordered stuff from a place like adam & eve, but my question is, does it numb him too? because that would kinda defeat the purpose.

hubby said it

That is true, and I have been meaning to take my measurements and compare to my pre-surgery measurements. I haven't checked any of them since then. I know they've changed as I'm wearing smaller clothes. In fact, I bought a 2 pairs of jeans, always wanted this brand (didn't pay full price though, got em on ebay), in my 1st goal size. Well, about a week ago, i was just curious how much further i had to go so tried on one pair of them, and they fit, they were snug, but i didn't have to lay on the bed to zip em! LOL I'm going to try to find a local place to take the white light scan, that is awesome!

Kathy, thank you so much! I feel so much better knowing I am not alone! When I was dating there was one other guy that had never before that way either, but with time, he did. But like i said, 5 years and trying and nothing. lol But i do feel relieved to know i am not alone.

I did have someone mention that I changed my hairstyle, which i haven't. So i think they are noticing the weight loss, but either don't realize its that, or don't want to mention the weight loss. I've stalled for about a week and half, driving me crazy, but it helps to hear once in a while that someone notices. Helps me keep going

I am just amazed at everyone; I wish i were that confident. I swear i can just hear thier thoughts about me, I used to be the same just appearing in public. I'm getting better at being in public, but the gym thing still terrifies me. I don't know if you just haven't heard the same things I have or what. I know my ex used to be extremely cruel. He would yell things out the car window to people on the street, and they were strangers; he wasn't any more considerate when it came to me. I've also had a job where the girls were very competitive with each other, and looks were everything, to hear what they say about other women, it is just mean!

When you can't eat your dinner because you were nibbling while making it.

this is hard for me because we have tried (and tried and tried) several different agreements (raid schedules, specific days to play, etc) but he always falls back into this awful time consuming obsession. i don't want to make him give up something he enjoys, a hobby would be great-but its beyond a hobby. yesterday was one of those days that really hit me hard. i came home from work and he (as usual) was playing, having a great time. continued to have a great time all nite. but my daughter came to me and asked why i woke her up (she had slept all day) to do her chores, but he sits there and doesnt do anything to help with the household stuff. I've mentioned this to him, about how even she does more and that when he gets upset that she has a lack of respect for him when he's getting onto her about not doing something, its because of the game. For the rest of the night, i was upset. But can't talk to him, hard to talk to someone with headphones on. Usually he will at least get off and come to the bed with me, niether of us like to go to bed without the other. But i was too upset, tired of doing everything and just hating that game, so i went to bed. A while later, something woke me up, he was starting to get ready for bed. He was upset and hurt that i didnt even say anything about going to bed. well, after some talking, he tells that all he needed was "some comfort from my wife." He had a crappy day at work, and wanted me to tell him "everything is going to be ok." Well, how the hell am i suppossed to know that if all i see is him having a great time on the game. I never know what is going on with him unless i overhear him talking about it to his friend. I would never cancel his account, i'm just not like that. Maybe i'm just weak, but i think it is his decision. The computer is very expensive, he built it himself and is amazing, so no way i can smash it or put a virus on it like i would want to sometimes. And he wants me to play, but if i were to start, he would know something was up. Its not my kinda game. I have bought other games, thinking ok, he's a gamer, if i cant beat him, i'll join him, on these games. (wii mario party, ps2 buzz, games like that) We play a few times and he's right back to those games. i want marriage counseling, have suggested it every time we discuss this. but he's a Marine, and that would be admitting weakness. I just think if someone objective made him realize that he definitely plays too much, it would help. I've even talked about having an intervention, but my son (21 yr old) refuses and it would only be me and my 12 yr old daughter, so i dont think it would be effective. I just feel trapped in this worsening dilemna.

BrandZski, A warning should be issued here! WoW is World of Warcraft, a very addicting, family destroying game! This coming from a WoW widow. Here I am sitting on my bed w/ my laptop, while hubby is in his customary place at his computer playing WoW. From the time he gets home from work, until he goes to bed, he is there. It is ruining our relationship but he doesn't believe it. He cuts back here and there, but it's like an addiction, he always goes back to it. Our yard hasn't been mowed in about 2 months, the cars don't get washed unless i do it when i get gas, he has a pile of 2 ltr soda bottles that possibly about every other week he finally gets rid of them. I do enough with my own job, being a mom and the extra work i bring home that i do not do his work for him.

I have always been the insecure one and hubby has the patience of a saint in dealing with it. However, right before I got banded, during an arguement, he blurted out, "Just go ahead and have your surgery and then find someone better, it's what you're going to do anyway" That really shocked me. We spoke about his fears, which, like mine, were due to his past. But I do think that like libra, i am showing him more attention because I feel more confident and that is helping us both. He knows that my personality won't change. I think I will always have a "fat personality." I feel he was concerned that I would get full of myself and feel i was better than him and deserved better. Never happen!

ok, if you are a whore froggi wonder what i am going to get... I would love for hubby to (hmm, how did u put it) "give me to swallow". but he never has, ever, with anyone, that way. we have been married 5 years and i try not to take this personally, but after 5 years, i do. now before anyone gives me tips/hints, etc, let me tell you, i used to enjoy, no LOVE doing this, a couple of times, even as much as they (before hubby) did. In the past i have been told i am skilled. but anyway, i'm feeling not so skilled now. i have read books, have tried many different positions, locations, length of time, you name it, still no final results. sometimes i dont even understand why he asks for it. like "road head", why would you want that if there is no final result? like i said, i used to enjoy it, but now, i just get frustrated and discouraged. i've never talked with anyone else about this, i'm just barely starting to talk to him about how i feel about it. he has no problems any other way, just orally.

i feel so guilty now, i think its my fault they check eveyone's receipt now. Once when i got the 40 lb dog food bag, i forgot to get the tag off it for the checker, and we got out to the car and when i went to get it off the cart, i was thinking i didnt get charged for it. I checked the receipt and sure enough, no charge. This is after spending more than an hour in the wal*mart, which is irritating in itself. I didn't go back in and pay for it. I know, i'm awful. I used to work at a wal*mart too and my son works at one now! But its always such a hassle to do anything other than just buy your stuff. If you have to return something, or ask for help, omg, such a pain! If i ever need to return something, i end up giving it away, rather than deal with the hassle. Now every time i go, whether for one item or a cartful, they check my receipt. I am so sorry to everyone. But on the other hand, some businesses are so carefree about it. I.E. when i went through a terrible time with my oldest, he shoplifted from Sears, a pair of pants. I didn't know until we got home and he tried to convince me that while we were gone that his friend had broken into our house, left these pants for him, then locked the house back up. Well, Sears was closed by the time we got home, therefore we went back the next day. I asked to speak with the manager, and explained to him what happened. The manager asked to speak to me privately, and asked me what i wanted them to do. I told him I wanted him to do whatever it is that they do when they catch a shoplifter. He said they only call the parents and let the parents handle it. I explained to him that I thought he should call the police. (at wal*mart if you are caught shoplifting, besides the legal aspects, you are not allowed back in the store) The manager refused to do anything. I couldnt believe it. Here I was trying to explain to my son that what he did was illegal, yet, I felt that the store was saying, too bad you got caught.

Ok, I know this is starting really slowly, but besides doing a few activities with my daughter, I want to add meeting a step goal every day. Basically to see how much more I should add. What is a good beginning goal for number of steps a day? I don't have any idea what is average or low or anything. Thanx!

I did say I was starting slowly. I do want to gradually increase, but was just looking at what the average was, so that I could make a beginner goal. I was bike riding with my daughter most days, but now the temperatures are over 110, even after dark. You don't see too many people outside around here, even the Marines don't do much PT (physical training) this time of year.

I have dealt with this before too. It is insane how blatant some people are! I worked at a large discount store (many years ago) and there were some people who we knew did this. One was so well known to steal stuff and then bring it back for a refund, but of course there are so many steps that we have to follow before we can stop them. We followed him so obviously, that he started sending girlfriends in to do his stealing for him.