ShadowCub67

I'm sorry that some people seem to have gotten their feelings hurt about the "Newbies never change" comment. Personally, I saw it as humor. The Newbies on the site on any given day are all too similar the the Newbies that were on the site a week ago, a month ago, a year ago, several years ago, etc., they're just not the same individuals each time.
As people are on this site for a while, they find the tools, start haunting particular subgroups and so forth.But when they're new, and therefor a Newbie, that haven't had that time yet. So yes, Newbies always seem to have the same questions, fears, and so forth AND they don't yet know how to find the 10,000 other times the same thought, feeling, question was expressed and so post it for the 10,001 time.
Same is true most places. New people, because they're new, make the same mistakes that countless new people before them have made. When you've been around for a while it can get frustrating. But I offer this thought from various 12 Step rooms, "It is the newbies, with their fresh fears and pains, that remind us how far we have come and how easily we could go back there." Granted, it takes a bit of work to put a few hundred pounds BACK on after WLS, but it is by no means impossible, or even uncommon.
I am starting my 5th or 6th journey towards WLS over the last 10 years. This is the second time with Bariatric Pal on my list of tools. And while I have not done it -yet-, I think I will try to gather a collection of links with answers to some of the more repetitive questions and put them in my signature. And THIS thread will be the first. (Just as soon as I remember how to edit my signature. <blushes>)

I'm sorry that some people seem to have gotten their feelings hurt about the "Newbies never change" comment. Personally, I saw it as humor. The Newbies on the site on any given day are all too similar the the Newbies that were on the site a week ago, a month ago, a year ago, several years ago, etc., they're just not the same individuals each time.
As people are on this site for a while, they find the tools, start haunting particular subgroups and so forth.But when they're new, and therefor a Newbie, that haven't had that time yet. So yes, Newbies always seem to have the same questions, fears, and so forth AND they don't yet know how to find the 10,000 other times the same thought, feeling, question was expressed and so post it for the 10,001 time.
Same is true most places. New people, because they're new, make the same mistakes that countless new people before them have made. When you've been around for a while it can get frustrating. But I offer this thought from various 12 Step rooms, "It is the newbies, with their fresh fears and pains, that remind us how far we have come and how easily we could go back there." Granted, it takes a bit of work to put a few hundred pounds BACK on after WLS, but it is by no means impossible, or even uncommon.
I am starting my 5th or 6th journey towards WLS over the last 10 years. This is the second time with Bariatric Pal on my list of tools. And while I have not done it -yet-, I think I will try to gather a collection of links with answers to some of the more repetitive questions and put them in my signature. And THIS thread will be the first. (Just as soon as I remember how to edit my signature. <blushes>)

I'm sorry that some people seem to have gotten their feelings hurt about the "Newbies never change" comment. Personally, I saw it as humor. The Newbies on the site on any given day are all too similar the the Newbies that were on the site a week ago, a month ago, a year ago, several years ago, etc., they're just not the same individuals each time.
As people are on this site for a while, they find the tools, start haunting particular subgroups and so forth.But when they're new, and therefor a Newbie, that haven't had that time yet. So yes, Newbies always seem to have the same questions, fears, and so forth AND they don't yet know how to find the 10,000 other times the same thought, feeling, question was expressed and so post it for the 10,001 time.
Same is true most places. New people, because they're new, make the same mistakes that countless new people before them have made. When you've been around for a while it can get frustrating. But I offer this thought from various 12 Step rooms, "It is the newbies, with their fresh fears and pains, that remind us how far we have come and how easily we could go back there." Granted, it takes a bit of work to put a few hundred pounds BACK on after WLS, but it is by no means impossible, or even uncommon.
I am starting my 5th or 6th journey towards WLS over the last 10 years. This is the second time with Bariatric Pal on my list of tools. And while I have not done it -yet-, I think I will try to gather a collection of links with answers to some of the more repetitive questions and put them in my signature. And THIS thread will be the first. (Just as soon as I remember how to edit my signature. <blushes>)

I'm sorry that some people seem to have gotten their feelings hurt about the "Newbies never change" comment. Personally, I saw it as humor. The Newbies on the site on any given day are all too similar the the Newbies that were on the site a week ago, a month ago, a year ago, several years ago, etc., they're just not the same individuals each time.
As people are on this site for a while, they find the tools, start haunting particular subgroups and so forth.But when they're new, and therefor a Newbie, that haven't had that time yet. So yes, Newbies always seem to have the same questions, fears, and so forth AND they don't yet know how to find the 10,000 other times the same thought, feeling, question was expressed and so post it for the 10,001 time.
Same is true most places. New people, because they're new, make the same mistakes that countless new people before them have made. When you've been around for a while it can get frustrating. But I offer this thought from various 12 Step rooms, "It is the newbies, with their fresh fears and pains, that remind us how far we have come and how easily we could go back there." Granted, it takes a bit of work to put a few hundred pounds BACK on after WLS, but it is by no means impossible, or even uncommon.
I am starting my 5th or 6th journey towards WLS over the last 10 years. This is the second time with Bariatric Pal on my list of tools. And while I have not done it -yet-, I think I will try to gather a collection of links with answers to some of the more repetitive questions and put them in my signature. And THIS thread will be the first. (Just as soon as I remember how to edit my signature. <blushes>)

I'm sorry that some people seem to have gotten their feelings hurt about the "Newbies never change" comment. Personally, I saw it as humor. The Newbies on the site on any given day are all too similar the the Newbies that were on the site a week ago, a month ago, a year ago, several years ago, etc., they're just not the same individuals each time.
As people are on this site for a while, they find the tools, start haunting particular subgroups and so forth.But when they're new, and therefor a Newbie, that haven't had that time yet. So yes, Newbies always seem to have the same questions, fears, and so forth AND they don't yet know how to find the 10,000 other times the same thought, feeling, question was expressed and so post it for the 10,001 time.
Same is true most places. New people, because they're new, make the same mistakes that countless new people before them have made. When you've been around for a while it can get frustrating. But I offer this thought from various 12 Step rooms, "It is the newbies, with their fresh fears and pains, that remind us how far we have come and how easily we could go back there." Granted, it takes a bit of work to put a few hundred pounds BACK on after WLS, but it is by no means impossible, or even uncommon.
I am starting my 5th or 6th journey towards WLS over the last 10 years. This is the second time with Bariatric Pal on my list of tools. And while I have not done it -yet-, I think I will try to gather a collection of links with answers to some of the more repetitive questions and put them in my signature. And THIS thread will be the first. (Just as soon as I remember how to edit my signature. <blushes>)

I'm sorry that some people seem to have gotten their feelings hurt about the "Newbies never change" comment. Personally, I saw it as humor. The Newbies on the site on any given day are all too similar the the Newbies that were on the site a week ago, a month ago, a year ago, several years ago, etc., they're just not the same individuals each time.
As people are on this site for a while, they find the tools, start haunting particular subgroups and so forth.But when they're new, and therefor a Newbie, that haven't had that time yet. So yes, Newbies always seem to have the same questions, fears, and so forth AND they don't yet know how to find the 10,000 other times the same thought, feeling, question was expressed and so post it for the 10,001 time.
Same is true most places. New people, because they're new, make the same mistakes that countless new people before them have made. When you've been around for a while it can get frustrating. But I offer this thought from various 12 Step rooms, "It is the newbies, with their fresh fears and pains, that remind us how far we have come and how easily we could go back there." Granted, it takes a bit of work to put a few hundred pounds BACK on after WLS, but it is by no means impossible, or even uncommon.
I am starting my 5th or 6th journey towards WLS over the last 10 years. This is the second time with Bariatric Pal on my list of tools. And while I have not done it -yet-, I think I will try to gather a collection of links with answers to some of the more repetitive questions and put them in my signature. And THIS thread will be the first. (Just as soon as I remember how to edit my signature. <blushes>)

I'm sorry that some people seem to have gotten their feelings hurt about the "Newbies never change" comment. Personally, I saw it as humor. The Newbies on the site on any given day are all too similar the the Newbies that were on the site a week ago, a month ago, a year ago, several years ago, etc., they're just not the same individuals each time.
As people are on this site for a while, they find the tools, start haunting particular subgroups and so forth.But when they're new, and therefor a Newbie, that haven't had that time yet. So yes, Newbies always seem to have the same questions, fears, and so forth AND they don't yet know how to find the 10,000 other times the same thought, feeling, question was expressed and so post it for the 10,001 time.
Same is true most places. New people, because they're new, make the same mistakes that countless new people before them have made. When you've been around for a while it can get frustrating. But I offer this thought from various 12 Step rooms, "It is the newbies, with their fresh fears and pains, that remind us how far we have come and how easily we could go back there." Granted, it takes a bit of work to put a few hundred pounds BACK on after WLS, but it is by no means impossible, or even uncommon.
I am starting my 5th or 6th journey towards WLS over the last 10 years. This is the second time with Bariatric Pal on my list of tools. And while I have not done it -yet-, I think I will try to gather a collection of links with answers to some of the more repetitive questions and put them in my signature. And THIS thread will be the first. (Just as soon as I remember how to edit my signature. <blushes>)

I came across this thread in the "Recent Topics" box and have been sitting here for about an hour now reading every single message.
If I read what the OP said correctly....
At one point hubby was tested for low-T and started taking Testosterone injections.
At that point, he started working out, taking care of himself, etc. and had an affair.
When the affair ended, he stopped everything. I assume that includes the injections.
Then later the OP mentions that hubby is taking Cialis, but still has no interest in sex.
If I read all that correctly, part of the reason he's not interested in sex is because he's back dealing with low-T. Cialis will only help with the physical part of getting and maintaining an erection, but not anything else. So it MAY be the low-T that is keeping him from feeling more romantic.
IF he is willing to go back onto testosterone, that may change things in the bedroom. But considering the prior affair, the question would be WHO'S bedroom.
But even low-T doesn't excuse him generally treating you like sh*t.
My advice is to find a lawyer and a therapist and start talking to both. Feel free to tell him you're going to therapy to work on the things wrong with you.(True statement. One of the things wrong is what lead you to gaining the weight in the first place. Another is why, after the way he's treated you for about 2 decades, you didn't get a divorce a LONG time ago. And if he lashes out about there being things wrong with YOU (taking the focus off himself) ask him to write them down so you can discuss them with your therapist.
What you'll ACTUALLY discuss with your therapist is more about why you're still in a relationship where he can be so shallow and self-serving as to try to make himself feel better by tearing you down. At this point, I'd try to avoid taking ANYTHING he says to heart. If you still want to see if the relationship can be saved (by him treating you as an equal, dealing with his own issues, being more emotionally intimate with you, etc.) discuss that with your therapist as well. It might be possible to invite him to one or more of "your" appointments "so your therapist can get an 'unbiased' view of your issues" as a ruse to see if your therapist can crack his shell and start being honest about what's going on inside himself.
And you'll also discuss his list(s) with the attorney in preparation for taking your next (legal) step, whether that be a separation (trial or not) or a divorce.
You DESERVE the emotional intimacy you crave. And that seems to be what you're really after, in spite of using physical intimacy in your posts as a stand in.
I wish you all the best. And I'm sure I'm not the only person here willing to be a shoulder to cry on, let alone trying to provide an outside perspective and, hopefully, "wise" counsel.
You've made some wonderful changes to better your life. Don't stop now!

I came across this thread in the "Recent Topics" box and have been sitting here for about an hour now reading every single message.
If I read what the OP said correctly....
At one point hubby was tested for low-T and started taking Testosterone injections.
At that point, he started working out, taking care of himself, etc. and had an affair.
When the affair ended, he stopped everything. I assume that includes the injections.
Then later the OP mentions that hubby is taking Cialis, but still has no interest in sex.
If I read all that correctly, part of the reason he's not interested in sex is because he's back dealing with low-T. Cialis will only help with the physical part of getting and maintaining an erection, but not anything else. So it MAY be the low-T that is keeping him from feeling more romantic.
IF he is willing to go back onto testosterone, that may change things in the bedroom. But considering the prior affair, the question would be WHO'S bedroom.
But even low-T doesn't excuse him generally treating you like sh*t.
My advice is to find a lawyer and a therapist and start talking to both. Feel free to tell him you're going to therapy to work on the things wrong with you.(True statement. One of the things wrong is what lead you to gaining the weight in the first place. Another is why, after the way he's treated you for about 2 decades, you didn't get a divorce a LONG time ago. And if he lashes out about there being things wrong with YOU (taking the focus off himself) ask him to write them down so you can discuss them with your therapist.
What you'll ACTUALLY discuss with your therapist is more about why you're still in a relationship where he can be so shallow and self-serving as to try to make himself feel better by tearing you down. At this point, I'd try to avoid taking ANYTHING he says to heart. If you still want to see if the relationship can be saved (by him treating you as an equal, dealing with his own issues, being more emotionally intimate with you, etc.) discuss that with your therapist as well. It might be possible to invite him to one or more of "your" appointments "so your therapist can get an 'unbiased' view of your issues" as a ruse to see if your therapist can crack his shell and start being honest about what's going on inside himself.
And you'll also discuss his list(s) with the attorney in preparation for taking your next (legal) step, whether that be a separation (trial or not) or a divorce.
You DESERVE the emotional intimacy you crave. And that seems to be what you're really after, in spite of using physical intimacy in your posts as a stand in.
I wish you all the best. And I'm sure I'm not the only person here willing to be a shoulder to cry on, let alone trying to provide an outside perspective and, hopefully, "wise" counsel.
You've made some wonderful changes to better your life. Don't stop now!

I came across this thread in the "Recent Topics" box and have been sitting here for about an hour now reading every single message.
If I read what the OP said correctly....
At one point hubby was tested for low-T and started taking Testosterone injections.
At that point, he started working out, taking care of himself, etc. and had an affair.
When the affair ended, he stopped everything. I assume that includes the injections.
Then later the OP mentions that hubby is taking Cialis, but still has no interest in sex.
If I read all that correctly, part of the reason he's not interested in sex is because he's back dealing with low-T. Cialis will only help with the physical part of getting and maintaining an erection, but not anything else. So it MAY be the low-T that is keeping him from feeling more romantic.
IF he is willing to go back onto testosterone, that may change things in the bedroom. But considering the prior affair, the question would be WHO'S bedroom.
But even low-T doesn't excuse him generally treating you like sh*t.
My advice is to find a lawyer and a therapist and start talking to both. Feel free to tell him you're going to therapy to work on the things wrong with you.(True statement. One of the things wrong is what lead you to gaining the weight in the first place. Another is why, after the way he's treated you for about 2 decades, you didn't get a divorce a LONG time ago. And if he lashes out about there being things wrong with YOU (taking the focus off himself) ask him to write them down so you can discuss them with your therapist.
What you'll ACTUALLY discuss with your therapist is more about why you're still in a relationship where he can be so shallow and self-serving as to try to make himself feel better by tearing you down. At this point, I'd try to avoid taking ANYTHING he says to heart. If you still want to see if the relationship can be saved (by him treating you as an equal, dealing with his own issues, being more emotionally intimate with you, etc.) discuss that with your therapist as well. It might be possible to invite him to one or more of "your" appointments "so your therapist can get an 'unbiased' view of your issues" as a ruse to see if your therapist can crack his shell and start being honest about what's going on inside himself.
And you'll also discuss his list(s) with the attorney in preparation for taking your next (legal) step, whether that be a separation (trial or not) or a divorce.
You DESERVE the emotional intimacy you crave. And that seems to be what you're really after, in spite of using physical intimacy in your posts as a stand in.
I wish you all the best. And I'm sure I'm not the only person here willing to be a shoulder to cry on, let alone trying to provide an outside perspective and, hopefully, "wise" counsel.
You've made some wonderful changes to better your life. Don't stop now!

I came across this thread in the "Recent Topics" box and have been sitting here for about an hour now reading every single message.
If I read what the OP said correctly....
At one point hubby was tested for low-T and started taking Testosterone injections.
At that point, he started working out, taking care of himself, etc. and had an affair.
When the affair ended, he stopped everything. I assume that includes the injections.
Then later the OP mentions that hubby is taking Cialis, but still has no interest in sex.
If I read all that correctly, part of the reason he's not interested in sex is because he's back dealing with low-T. Cialis will only help with the physical part of getting and maintaining an erection, but not anything else. So it MAY be the low-T that is keeping him from feeling more romantic.
IF he is willing to go back onto testosterone, that may change things in the bedroom. But considering the prior affair, the question would be WHO'S bedroom.
But even low-T doesn't excuse him generally treating you like sh*t.
My advice is to find a lawyer and a therapist and start talking to both. Feel free to tell him you're going to therapy to work on the things wrong with you.(True statement. One of the things wrong is what lead you to gaining the weight in the first place. Another is why, after the way he's treated you for about 2 decades, you didn't get a divorce a LONG time ago. And if he lashes out about there being things wrong with YOU (taking the focus off himself) ask him to write them down so you can discuss them with your therapist.
What you'll ACTUALLY discuss with your therapist is more about why you're still in a relationship where he can be so shallow and self-serving as to try to make himself feel better by tearing you down. At this point, I'd try to avoid taking ANYTHING he says to heart. If you still want to see if the relationship can be saved (by him treating you as an equal, dealing with his own issues, being more emotionally intimate with you, etc.) discuss that with your therapist as well. It might be possible to invite him to one or more of "your" appointments "so your therapist can get an 'unbiased' view of your issues" as a ruse to see if your therapist can crack his shell and start being honest about what's going on inside himself.
And you'll also discuss his list(s) with the attorney in preparation for taking your next (legal) step, whether that be a separation (trial or not) or a divorce.
You DESERVE the emotional intimacy you crave. And that seems to be what you're really after, in spite of using physical intimacy in your posts as a stand in.
I wish you all the best. And I'm sure I'm not the only person here willing to be a shoulder to cry on, let alone trying to provide an outside perspective and, hopefully, "wise" counsel.
You've made some wonderful changes to better your life. Don't stop now!

I came across this thread in the "Recent Topics" box and have been sitting here for about an hour now reading every single message.
If I read what the OP said correctly....
At one point hubby was tested for low-T and started taking Testosterone injections.
At that point, he started working out, taking care of himself, etc. and had an affair.
When the affair ended, he stopped everything. I assume that includes the injections.
Then later the OP mentions that hubby is taking Cialis, but still has no interest in sex.
If I read all that correctly, part of the reason he's not interested in sex is because he's back dealing with low-T. Cialis will only help with the physical part of getting and maintaining an erection, but not anything else. So it MAY be the low-T that is keeping him from feeling more romantic.
IF he is willing to go back onto testosterone, that may change things in the bedroom. But considering the prior affair, the question would be WHO'S bedroom.
But even low-T doesn't excuse him generally treating you like sh*t.
My advice is to find a lawyer and a therapist and start talking to both. Feel free to tell him you're going to therapy to work on the things wrong with you.(True statement. One of the things wrong is what lead you to gaining the weight in the first place. Another is why, after the way he's treated you for about 2 decades, you didn't get a divorce a LONG time ago. And if he lashes out about there being things wrong with YOU (taking the focus off himself) ask him to write them down so you can discuss them with your therapist.
What you'll ACTUALLY discuss with your therapist is more about why you're still in a relationship where he can be so shallow and self-serving as to try to make himself feel better by tearing you down. At this point, I'd try to avoid taking ANYTHING he says to heart. If you still want to see if the relationship can be saved (by him treating you as an equal, dealing with his own issues, being more emotionally intimate with you, etc.) discuss that with your therapist as well. It might be possible to invite him to one or more of "your" appointments "so your therapist can get an 'unbiased' view of your issues" as a ruse to see if your therapist can crack his shell and start being honest about what's going on inside himself.
And you'll also discuss his list(s) with the attorney in preparation for taking your next (legal) step, whether that be a separation (trial or not) or a divorce.
You DESERVE the emotional intimacy you crave. And that seems to be what you're really after, in spite of using physical intimacy in your posts as a stand in.
I wish you all the best. And I'm sure I'm not the only person here willing to be a shoulder to cry on, let alone trying to provide an outside perspective and, hopefully, "wise" counsel.
You've made some wonderful changes to better your life. Don't stop now!

I'm sorry that some people seem to have gotten their feelings hurt about the "Newbies never change" comment. Personally, I saw it as humor. The Newbies on the site on any given day are all too similar the the Newbies that were on the site a week ago, a month ago, a year ago, several years ago, etc., they're just not the same individuals each time.
As people are on this site for a while, they find the tools, start haunting particular subgroups and so forth.But when they're new, and therefor a Newbie, that haven't had that time yet. So yes, Newbies always seem to have the same questions, fears, and so forth AND they don't yet know how to find the 10,000 other times the same thought, feeling, question was expressed and so post it for the 10,001 time.
Same is true most places. New people, because they're new, make the same mistakes that countless new people before them have made. When you've been around for a while it can get frustrating. But I offer this thought from various 12 Step rooms, "It is the newbies, with their fresh fears and pains, that remind us how far we have come and how easily we could go back there." Granted, it takes a bit of work to put a few hundred pounds BACK on after WLS, but it is by no means impossible, or even uncommon.
I am starting my 5th or 6th journey towards WLS over the last 10 years. This is the second time with Bariatric Pal on my list of tools. And while I have not done it -yet-, I think I will try to gather a collection of links with answers to some of the more repetitive questions and put them in my signature. And THIS thread will be the first. (Just as soon as I remember how to edit my signature. <blushes>)

True enough. But I've been the "new kid on the block" in enough different situations to recognize the pattern of the newest people to seemingly ALL make the same mistake, do the same thing, etc. before becoming more familiar with the setting.
I was just extrapolating those experiences to the comment that "Newbies never change."
That's all. No offence meant.

@@ShadowCub67
No offense, but you know you're a newbie, also?
I don't care if you've done 50 years of research. Until you've actually had the surgery, what you think you know goes out the window.
It's kind of like the people who say they know all about how to be a parent because they're a nanny.
I mean, I'm 16 months out and still don't know sh*t.

I came across this thread in the "Recent Topics" box and have been sitting here for about an hour now reading every single message.
If I read what the OP said correctly....
At one point hubby was tested for low-T and started taking Testosterone injections.
At that point, he started working out, taking care of himself, etc. and had an affair.
When the affair ended, he stopped everything. I assume that includes the injections.
Then later the OP mentions that hubby is taking Cialis, but still has no interest in sex.
If I read all that correctly, part of the reason he's not interested in sex is because he's back dealing with low-T. Cialis will only help with the physical part of getting and maintaining an erection, but not anything else. So it MAY be the low-T that is keeping him from feeling more romantic.
IF he is willing to go back onto testosterone, that may change things in the bedroom. But considering the prior affair, the question would be WHO'S bedroom.
But even low-T doesn't excuse him generally treating you like sh*t.
My advice is to find a lawyer and a therapist and start talking to both. Feel free to tell him you're going to therapy to work on the things wrong with you.(True statement. One of the things wrong is what lead you to gaining the weight in the first place. Another is why, after the way he's treated you for about 2 decades, you didn't get a divorce a LONG time ago. And if he lashes out about there being things wrong with YOU (taking the focus off himself) ask him to write them down so you can discuss them with your therapist.
What you'll ACTUALLY discuss with your therapist is more about why you're still in a relationship where he can be so shallow and self-serving as to try to make himself feel better by tearing you down. At this point, I'd try to avoid taking ANYTHING he says to heart. If you still want to see if the relationship can be saved (by him treating you as an equal, dealing with his own issues, being more emotionally intimate with you, etc.) discuss that with your therapist as well. It might be possible to invite him to one or more of "your" appointments "so your therapist can get an 'unbiased' view of your issues" as a ruse to see if your therapist can crack his shell and start being honest about what's going on inside himself.
And you'll also discuss his list(s) with the attorney in preparation for taking your next (legal) step, whether that be a separation (trial or not) or a divorce.
You DESERVE the emotional intimacy you crave. And that seems to be what you're really after, in spite of using physical intimacy in your posts as a stand in.
I wish you all the best. And I'm sure I'm not the only person here willing to be a shoulder to cry on, let alone trying to provide an outside perspective and, hopefully, "wise" counsel.
You've made some wonderful changes to better your life. Don't stop now!

I came across this thread in the "Recent Topics" box and have been sitting here for about an hour now reading every single message.
If I read what the OP said correctly....
At one point hubby was tested for low-T and started taking Testosterone injections.
At that point, he started working out, taking care of himself, etc. and had an affair.
When the affair ended, he stopped everything. I assume that includes the injections.
Then later the OP mentions that hubby is taking Cialis, but still has no interest in sex.
If I read all that correctly, part of the reason he's not interested in sex is because he's back dealing with low-T. Cialis will only help with the physical part of getting and maintaining an erection, but not anything else. So it MAY be the low-T that is keeping him from feeling more romantic.
IF he is willing to go back onto testosterone, that may change things in the bedroom. But considering the prior affair, the question would be WHO'S bedroom.
But even low-T doesn't excuse him generally treating you like sh*t.
My advice is to find a lawyer and a therapist and start talking to both. Feel free to tell him you're going to therapy to work on the things wrong with you.(True statement. One of the things wrong is what lead you to gaining the weight in the first place. Another is why, after the way he's treated you for about 2 decades, you didn't get a divorce a LONG time ago. And if he lashes out about there being things wrong with YOU (taking the focus off himself) ask him to write them down so you can discuss them with your therapist.
What you'll ACTUALLY discuss with your therapist is more about why you're still in a relationship where he can be so shallow and self-serving as to try to make himself feel better by tearing you down. At this point, I'd try to avoid taking ANYTHING he says to heart. If you still want to see if the relationship can be saved (by him treating you as an equal, dealing with his own issues, being more emotionally intimate with you, etc.) discuss that with your therapist as well. It might be possible to invite him to one or more of "your" appointments "so your therapist can get an 'unbiased' view of your issues" as a ruse to see if your therapist can crack his shell and start being honest about what's going on inside himself.
And you'll also discuss his list(s) with the attorney in preparation for taking your next (legal) step, whether that be a separation (trial or not) or a divorce.
You DESERVE the emotional intimacy you crave. And that seems to be what you're really after, in spite of using physical intimacy in your posts as a stand in.
I wish you all the best. And I'm sure I'm not the only person here willing to be a shoulder to cry on, let alone trying to provide an outside perspective and, hopefully, "wise" counsel.
You've made some wonderful changes to better your life. Don't stop now!

I came across this thread in the "Recent Topics" box and have been sitting here for about an hour now reading every single message.
If I read what the OP said correctly....
At one point hubby was tested for low-T and started taking Testosterone injections.
At that point, he started working out, taking care of himself, etc. and had an affair.
When the affair ended, he stopped everything. I assume that includes the injections.
Then later the OP mentions that hubby is taking Cialis, but still has no interest in sex.
If I read all that correctly, part of the reason he's not interested in sex is because he's back dealing with low-T. Cialis will only help with the physical part of getting and maintaining an erection, but not anything else. So it MAY be the low-T that is keeping him from feeling more romantic.
IF he is willing to go back onto testosterone, that may change things in the bedroom. But considering the prior affair, the question would be WHO'S bedroom.
But even low-T doesn't excuse him generally treating you like sh*t.
My advice is to find a lawyer and a therapist and start talking to both. Feel free to tell him you're going to therapy to work on the things wrong with you.(True statement. One of the things wrong is what lead you to gaining the weight in the first place. Another is why, after the way he's treated you for about 2 decades, you didn't get a divorce a LONG time ago. And if he lashes out about there being things wrong with YOU (taking the focus off himself) ask him to write them down so you can discuss them with your therapist.
What you'll ACTUALLY discuss with your therapist is more about why you're still in a relationship where he can be so shallow and self-serving as to try to make himself feel better by tearing you down. At this point, I'd try to avoid taking ANYTHING he says to heart. If you still want to see if the relationship can be saved (by him treating you as an equal, dealing with his own issues, being more emotionally intimate with you, etc.) discuss that with your therapist as well. It might be possible to invite him to one or more of "your" appointments "so your therapist can get an 'unbiased' view of your issues" as a ruse to see if your therapist can crack his shell and start being honest about what's going on inside himself.
And you'll also discuss his list(s) with the attorney in preparation for taking your next (legal) step, whether that be a separation (trial or not) or a divorce.
You DESERVE the emotional intimacy you crave. And that seems to be what you're really after, in spite of using physical intimacy in your posts as a stand in.
I wish you all the best. And I'm sure I'm not the only person here willing to be a shoulder to cry on, let alone trying to provide an outside perspective and, hopefully, "wise" counsel.
You've made some wonderful changes to better your life. Don't stop now!

I came across this thread in the "Recent Topics" box and have been sitting here for about an hour now reading every single message.
If I read what the OP said correctly....
At one point hubby was tested for low-T and started taking Testosterone injections.
At that point, he started working out, taking care of himself, etc. and had an affair.
When the affair ended, he stopped everything. I assume that includes the injections.
Then later the OP mentions that hubby is taking Cialis, but still has no interest in sex.
If I read all that correctly, part of the reason he's not interested in sex is because he's back dealing with low-T. Cialis will only help with the physical part of getting and maintaining an erection, but not anything else. So it MAY be the low-T that is keeping him from feeling more romantic.
IF he is willing to go back onto testosterone, that may change things in the bedroom. But considering the prior affair, the question would be WHO'S bedroom.
But even low-T doesn't excuse him generally treating you like sh*t.
My advice is to find a lawyer and a therapist and start talking to both. Feel free to tell him you're going to therapy to work on the things wrong with you.(True statement. One of the things wrong is what lead you to gaining the weight in the first place. Another is why, after the way he's treated you for about 2 decades, you didn't get a divorce a LONG time ago. And if he lashes out about there being things wrong with YOU (taking the focus off himself) ask him to write them down so you can discuss them with your therapist.
What you'll ACTUALLY discuss with your therapist is more about why you're still in a relationship where he can be so shallow and self-serving as to try to make himself feel better by tearing you down. At this point, I'd try to avoid taking ANYTHING he says to heart. If you still want to see if the relationship can be saved (by him treating you as an equal, dealing with his own issues, being more emotionally intimate with you, etc.) discuss that with your therapist as well. It might be possible to invite him to one or more of "your" appointments "so your therapist can get an 'unbiased' view of your issues" as a ruse to see if your therapist can crack his shell and start being honest about what's going on inside himself.
And you'll also discuss his list(s) with the attorney in preparation for taking your next (legal) step, whether that be a separation (trial or not) or a divorce.
You DESERVE the emotional intimacy you crave. And that seems to be what you're really after, in spite of using physical intimacy in your posts as a stand in.
I wish you all the best. And I'm sure I'm not the only person here willing to be a shoulder to cry on, let alone trying to provide an outside perspective and, hopefully, "wise" counsel.
You've made some wonderful changes to better your life. Don't stop now!

I'm sorry that some people seem to have gotten their feelings hurt about the "Newbies never change" comment. Personally, I saw it as humor. The Newbies on the site on any given day are all too similar the the Newbies that were on the site a week ago, a month ago, a year ago, several years ago, etc., they're just not the same individuals each time.
As people are on this site for a while, they find the tools, start haunting particular subgroups and so forth.But when they're new, and therefor a Newbie, that haven't had that time yet. So yes, Newbies always seem to have the same questions, fears, and so forth AND they don't yet know how to find the 10,000 other times the same thought, feeling, question was expressed and so post it for the 10,001 time.
Same is true most places. New people, because they're new, make the same mistakes that countless new people before them have made. When you've been around for a while it can get frustrating. But I offer this thought from various 12 Step rooms, "It is the newbies, with their fresh fears and pains, that remind us how far we have come and how easily we could go back there." Granted, it takes a bit of work to put a few hundred pounds BACK on after WLS, but it is by no means impossible, or even uncommon.
I am starting my 5th or 6th journey towards WLS over the last 10 years. This is the second time with Bariatric Pal on my list of tools. And while I have not done it -yet-, I think I will try to gather a collection of links with answers to some of the more repetitive questions and put them in my signature. And THIS thread will be the first. (Just as soon as I remember how to edit my signature. <blushes>)

I'm sorry that some people seem to have gotten their feelings hurt about the "Newbies never change" comment. Personally, I saw it as humor. The Newbies on the site on any given day are all too similar the the Newbies that were on the site a week ago, a month ago, a year ago, several years ago, etc., they're just not the same individuals each time.
As people are on this site for a while, they find the tools, start haunting particular subgroups and so forth.But when they're new, and therefor a Newbie, that haven't had that time yet. So yes, Newbies always seem to have the same questions, fears, and so forth AND they don't yet know how to find the 10,000 other times the same thought, feeling, question was expressed and so post it for the 10,001 time.
Same is true most places. New people, because they're new, make the same mistakes that countless new people before them have made. When you've been around for a while it can get frustrating. But I offer this thought from various 12 Step rooms, "It is the newbies, with their fresh fears and pains, that remind us how far we have come and how easily we could go back there." Granted, it takes a bit of work to put a few hundred pounds BACK on after WLS, but it is by no means impossible, or even uncommon.
I am starting my 5th or 6th journey towards WLS over the last 10 years. This is the second time with Bariatric Pal on my list of tools. And while I have not done it -yet-, I think I will try to gather a collection of links with answers to some of the more repetitive questions and put them in my signature. And THIS thread will be the first. (Just as soon as I remember how to edit my signature. <blushes>)

It seems that at least 50% of the posts on BariatriPal are bemoaning a stall. Daily, and sometimes hourly, I am reading about how someone ONLY lost x number of pounds and now the scale hasn't moved in ___ [fill in the blank] days/months, etc. Oh no, they write, I am a failure/unique/my surgery didn't work/life is not fair, ... Why am I in a stall?
I know I am exaggerating but I think you get the idea.
Guess what? STALLS are a NORMAL part of the PROCESS of losing weight. If you want to lose weight, you will stall. Not just once, but over and over. And, guess what? A stall is where your body actually does the hard work of becoming smaller. It takes a lot of work and energy to dismantle a structure that has been holding up, in some cases, hundreds of pounds.
For those who think they have to DO something to somehow "break a stall" (in my opinion, you do not break a stall, you just ride them out), here is my response:
What can you do to "break" a stall?
1) STAY OFF THE SCALE
Relax and stay off the scale if it bothers you so much. Weigh no more than once a week, or even less often. Weighing only at your doctor's appointments early in the process is a good strategy if your mood and self-worth are dictated by the numbers on the scale.
2) PICK UP A TAPE MEASURE
In addition to using the numbers on the scale to measure your progress, take your measurements. Inches lost are also a great way to see physical progress when the scale isn't moving. Most people see the biggest physical changes in their body when the scale seems stuck.
3) TRACK YOUR Protein AND Water AND MEET OR EXCEED YOUR PROTEIN AND WATER GOAL EVERY DAY
As long as you are getting in all your protein and water and following your NUT and surgeon's instructions, you are doing what you are supposed to do.
If you aren't getting in all your protein and water, then increasing your protein and water is something you can do (and should be doing anyway whether or not you are in a stall).
4) EXERCISE
If you aren't exercising, then you can exercise (and should be whether or not you are in a stall). You can start slowly by walking or even moving more around the house. Exercising will help you feel better, tone your skin and build fat-burning muscle.
5) MAKE AN APPOINTMENT WITH YOUR NUT
If you are unsure or unclear about what you are supposed to be, or should not be eating, then make an appointment with your NUT (which you should be doing whether or not you are in a stall).
6) REASSESS AND REEVALUATE
About the only good result I see that comes from complaining about a stall is when you take an honest look at what you are doing and realign with the program recommended by your NUT and surgeon. Have you started eating more outside of your plan? Are you restricting calories? Are you eating enough carbs and protein for your exercise? Are you taking your Vitamins? Are you eating often enough? Are you eating slowly with protein first? Sometimes, all you need to DO is go back to basics.
7) JOURNAL
One of the biggest things I have noticed from the various posts is how anxious and out-of-control some people feel when they notice a stall. Journaling can help you gain some perspective and deal with some of the emotional turmoil.
-- Write about how you are feeling about the stall and your weight loss, and surgery in general.
-- Write about why you had the surgery in the first place.
-- Write about what life was like before surgery.
-- Write about what you hope and dream about accomplishing in the future.
-- Write about your fears.
-- Write about your NSVs.
-- Make a gratitude list.
-- Make a bucket list.
-- Write a letter to your old self; write a letter to your new self.
Just write.
8) SEEK HELP
Stalls are when too many people seem to revert to old, counterproductive dieting behaviors (restricting calories, over exercising, bingeing, etc.). If this is you, then another thing you can DO is to talk to a counselor or therapist or consider joining a bariatric support group or a twelve-step group like Overeater's Anonymous.
The discomfort of being in a stall can also drive people to develop new, unhealthy coping habits or even transfer addictions. This is where you want to marshall all the resources you have available to you and use them.
The last, and most important thing you can DO is:
9) EMBRACE THE STALL
Stalls are a normal and natural part of the process.
Our bodies are complex systems and not simple machines.
Stalls go hand-in-hand with weight loss.
If you had Weight Loss Surgery, then you probably want to lose a significant amount of weight. So, get ready to embrace the many stalls you will experience as your body is transformed. It will be worth it.