puddin

Argon, I'm sorry! I may have missed it, I apologize. What did you want to know about it?

Annie, when did u PM me? Id din't get it.

I don't have a google account. Is there any other way to see your triathalon blog?

Nope, you have to set one up. Go to my blog and then set it up. You don't have to have a gmail account. You can set one up with your current email address.

Hey all again!

Well I'm glad to hear it doesn't bring y'all down. I would like to say that I have been incredibly ashamed for my behavior over the last few months, but I'm really, really feeling the desire to not give into it. I've been celibate for a few weeks now and it feels wonderful. I have CHOSEN to remain celibate. That's the kicker. Sick of being a victim here. I had decided to stop dating for awhile, but then I thought "Hey! How's that gonna help? Just stop dating the bad boys and CHOOSE not to do bad things." Guess what? It has been working. I eliminated the bad boys from my life and have only been dating the ones who are respectful. Yes, the temptation is still there, but the desire to overcome the addiction and also be true to my relationship with God is greater at this point. I also realize that sex and even making out ruins relationships.

I have been dating this guy Aaron quite a bit lately. Yes, we made some really bad mistakes on the first and second dates awhile ago. I didn't think we'd survive after that, but after deciding not to date for a week or so, we just set up some rules. No being out past midnight (and often 10:30), always with other people unless we're in public, no kissing except at the end of the date when we're standing and about to leave, no cuddling unless other people are in the room, no sexual innuendos, we read our scriptures together at the end of the date or, if we're not together, we read them on the phone each night (yes, I know this is cheesey). And the rules seem to be working. And GUESS WHAT? We have a NORMAL, stress-free relationship because of it. Yes, we have to deal with the sins that we committed together and it still may be the demise of our relationship. I don't know. All I know is that I like not feeling guilty the day after a date. I like having him write me poetry and call me at 12:30 to tell me he just woke up and wanted to hear my voice. He'd never respect me if we continued to sin. And I've been able to tell him my sordid past. He knows and he still likes me. Says he knows I am a good girl, I just had a brief stint in rebellion. I know the same about him. He's a good guy, just made a mistake.

Okay, enough about that shiznit. Brenda, I'm super sorry about the blowup with ya daughter. I hope you can work things out, and selifshly I hope you can because I want to actually meet you in person and have you come to SLC. You rock. How are things going now with her?

Hi you guys

I sort of stopped posting here because I just felt like I was bringing everyone down with this stupid addiction. Anyhow, if any of you would like access to it then just PM me with your google account and I'll give ya access. Sound good?

And Brenda, woman, where's my PM with when you're coming to SLC???

Brandy... congrats!!! Do you love it? A good majority of my swelling is gone now, but it's been 5 1/2 months post-op already for me, and I heal quickly. I was told 6-12 months for the swelling to completely disappear. You're in it for the long haul, woman!

Dammit, you guys, it's GOTTA STOP! I'm HURTING PEOPLE now with this. The guy Monday and yesterday was a virgin before he met me. A good church boy. Freak. And the guy from last Saturday and Thursday was my old zone leader from my mission who's also getting married in a week from tomorrow (though I didn't know it at the time). The fella from LAST Monday is someone who is taking discussions from the missionaries. I needed to be an EXAMPLE, not a freakin slut with him. These are just some of the guys recently... This is so incredibly out of control. It's stopping today. This madness is stopping today.

Deanna

Thanks for your words. You're right. It's a whole new experience being desired by men. I put it to my friend like this: "Ever see a pretty girl and think 'If I could get that I SO would!'" (he's a guy)? Well, that's how it is for me now. I see men that are good looking... really good looking... and they WANT me. They tell me I have a 'great body.' Imagine that! Imagine being fat your entire life, men never taking a second look at you, and now having this supermodel of a man tell you that you are sexy and he desires you. Not only that, but he desires you over and over. It's flattering and yet it's the greatest form of disrespect. So you get caught in this crazy cycle of having sex, feeling terrible about yourself to the point where you think you're only worth that, then you go out and have it again and feel even worse. It's a downward spiral. I've done things in the past two weeks that I never, ever thought I'd do. I want to stop. I told myself today to STOP right now before I kill my sanity, but even right now I want to have it again. I want to call Drew up. But I know I can't do it, for my own mental health. I pray to have the strength tomorrow to resist this again.

For me, if I try to drink with meals I get stuck. It's uncomfortable. I can't do it. So I drink until a few minutes prior, and then 1-2 hours after.

Y'all are freakin awesome!

Thanks you guys. Yes, men just want me for one thing right now. The sex is an addiction, I know it is. I wipe the slate clean every week and every week someone new comes around, or someone old tries to contact me for a booty call. If they catch me in a weak moment, I'll often give in. My sister knows. She tried to tell me yesterday that it's worse than a drug addiction. I don't know about that, but I do know that these days it's often two or three men a week. Sometimes the same guy, sometimes not. And almost always they just want one thing from me. There's one guy I date who I just can't tell what I've been doing. He's decent and we've never had sex, but he just can't know. I have a good friend who knows almost everything, but not everything. It's a pretty shady history and it keeps getting worse and worse. Now there's video floating out there of Brady and I. I don't know what possessed me to agree to take video. It's spiraling quickly but sometimes I just don't have the desire to pull myself out of the spiral. I look at the girls I go to church with and I feel so far from where they are right now - which is where I was 6 months ago. It's a crazy double-life.

And Evilah, I have had a similar experience and I think this is one reason I put on the weight as well. I think somehow I'll be able to get out of this, but it's going to take a lot of work and a lot of change of heart.

Good for you, girlfriend! I'm happy for you and your new license. Hope you make stacks of cash selling million dollar houses. I know lots of people who've gotten into that recently and loved it. Keep me updated on it.

Okay, are you kidding? I'd LOVE to help your daughter as my little sister here in Salt Lake. I can help her as best I can, even though I'm a little out of Salt Lake. Just let me know her email in a PM and I'll shoot her a message. Too bad about the situation. Boys are stupid. I can't date someone who's really into video games because a lot of times they're obsessed with them.

So skin cancer? Girl, are you okay? Are they able to remove it just fine? Yes, no more tanning for you LOL! Go get the fake stuff. Works wonders. I don't go out of the house without sunscreening it up. But you've gotta be lookin HOT! Are you just loving the Tummy Tuck and lift? My stomach keeps shrinking. I'm fitting into size 6 pants on occasion, though my legs aren't fantastic. The last two weeks have been LAZY for me, so i gotta get back on it. So what's your final goal?

So u got a date for me in MT eh? LOL. You're the queen. Send me his pic LOL.

well, as you know my daughter is in SL, she is having life issues like ones you dont tell your mom everything. she was/is living with this guy and I have been helping w/rent $ and he was to pay other half so she wouldnt have to work 2 jobs and live in trash. the quick of the matter is that I have been paying rent and she has been paying other half and other bills so he could get new quitars and playstation stuff. she is finally fed up as he lost his job 4 weeks ago and she has paid everything because he spent his money on "toys" and $150 cable. she wasnt ablt to go to california (on her $75 she saved) because he spent the electicity money he was to pay on more crap and waited until 5am when she was leaving to tell her. so neither girl got to go, other girls family flew her there and Jennifer stayed home.

WHEW!!!

she is fed up and their mutual lease is up June 30th so she is looking for her own place- so she tells me! I think she needs a big sister to help or advise her and since she IS the big sis, I just wondered if you wanted a 21 year old challenge? I can give you her email and you can intro yourself however you want. Just a thought, I TOTALLY understand if you have too much going on.

let me know...

other front, how are you??? I havnt been on much. as you know I got my realestate lisc,. and am in the process of closing my first sale. not sure if this is for me time will tell. also youngests graduation is May 27 so busy planning that. I did get a fill my band now up to 3.2 cc and I lost 4 lbs in the last two weeks. so now 164. feeling better, except found some skin cancer so no more tanning for me.

am i reading you ticker right your down to 150? holy you must be soooo thin. send updated pics of your skinny self.

later, good luck and hope all is going well.

PS found a great guy for you here in MT my hubbys cousin but he is nice and cute and $$$$ he works with dead people. hes the county corenor and funeral home guy. hahah just lookin out for you!

hey, georgia are you around?? hows it going? want a new challenge in Salt Lake??

Hey chickie! Yeah, what's the challenge in Salt Lake? Are you here??? Let's shop!

Faith, you're sweet. I'm doing okay. The outfit I was talking about that didn't last long was prior to my change of heart, so I'm still on the straight and narrow, so to speak. Today is day 10 of no makeout/sex or anything. I do have a date tomorrow with a guy who I dated before I went all wild, and I know he's a good guy, but I'm still trying to fortify myself against doing anything with him. Lately I seem to be bringing that out in men, even if they don't normally do that, and I'm ashamed to admit it.

Anyhow, yes, the guilt I feel has a LOT to do with the religion I was raised with. And yes, I do believe in this religion with all my heart, which is why I'm so conflicted. I have been doing things I wholeheartedly don't believe in doing. I don't plan on losing my faith just to justify my behavior. I don't think I could if I wanted to. So the answer was just to change my behavior. One day at a time!!!

But you bring up a good point about therapy. Yeah, the therapist Im seeing does spend a lot of time on religion, but it's only because that's a huge part of why I have to go to therapy over it. I'm glad it's focused on that, to be honest. But I can definitely see a benefit to perhaps getting another point of view that's less biased in that direction. Could help! Anyhow, I've got some books he gave me on OCD and a nice anti-OCD prescription LOL. Should help, I think.

Thank you all for all the hope and inspiration you give me continually! It's great to have wonderful friends and people that don't even know you show so much care. You're awesome!

Whoa, 1 hour before is way longer than I've ever heard. My doc also said 10 minutes before and 1 hour after and that's pretty easy to adhere to. Actually, I often end up Water loading before meals and eating 5 minutes after. It could be counter-productive, who the heck knows.

At my highest weight I couldn't feel it, but now it's nearly always visible with my clothes off, but no one notices.

Lap dancer, luv luv luv the shoes in the first post! And tho I'm embarassed to admit it, I wore pretty muchy that very corsett lingerie outfit last Monday and it looked HOT! It wasn't on very long though LOL. I thought it would make my boobs look smaller but it actually does wonders for them.

Girl, I do sympathize. While I'm not married, I have a sister who used to be incredibly messy. I like the house clean and she could care less, but she was also dealing with some depression problems. She has since dealt with the depression and voila! She's taken it upon herself to start cleaning up after herself! But I had to really back down and not nag her about it. I just let it get kinda messy until she couldn't stand it and decided to do something about it. But she never would have before dealing with the depression. So while I can't give any great advice here, i can say that perhaps if you can help your hubby deal with the depression, maybe that will do something about the cleaning motivation.

Hey, just thought of something. Another thing that got her cleaning was to invite someone over and then tell my sister about it before-hand. She's got too much pride to have a messy house when people come over, so she'd get up and start cleaning. Would this work with your husband? Maybe invite people over once a week LOL!

I'm sorry for being absent the last little while. To be honest with you guys, I've been back and forth. During the day I feel intense sorrow and guilt, but shaky and almost going through withdrawals. Then the moment one of these men call I calm down again. I've made a few mistakes since even Brady last week, with both Tony and Travis. But it's time to 'shit or get off the pot', pardon my french. I feel like running away and hiding from life. Last night was another stupid, naive moment for me. "Sure, let's go biking with me and your buddies," I said. Um, no, I think he planned the makeout. I think this guy really likes me, and that's what kills me about last night. It's as if he likes me, but REALLY doesn't respect my boundaries. I said at one point yesterday after moving his hand for the 50th time, "Travis, why do you gotta keep pushing it?" So he stopped, just for a bit, then pushed the line again and again until we were nearly having sex. I stopped it in a moment of sanity. Then I left. It was the smartest thing I've done all week.

Saw a counselor this morning, and he was very surprised at how quickly I'd declined. But that's what intense internal conflict does to you. And it's all from my own doing. So today is a new day. It's day 1 again. I'm leaving my old life behind. The men, the lack of self-respect, the promiscuity, I'm running away from it and starting a new life. The old one's not workin. There has been no personal fulfillment in being validated physically by men, only intense pain. SO b'bye Georgia. Don't let the door hit you on the wait out.

Puddin Can I Ask, On Your Tt, Did They Do Any Lipo? I Went To A Ps Today, He Didn't Want To Do Any Lipo On My "muffin Top" With The Port Being In There. I'm A Little Freaked That Just Pulled Down On The Top Will Really Be Enough. Cutting The Bottom Out And A Little Lipo On The Sides If Needed Isn't A Problem He Said. Any Advise? Thanks

Howdy

Yes, I asked my doc and he did lipo on the top. And yes, my port sticks out. Nobody notices unless, well, they feel my stomach or see my bare stomach. I'm okay with it. Maybe your doc wants a little "padding" on the top so your port won't stick out so much. Either way they have to reposition the port.

Ladies, I hit a new low. I feel like the cheapest slut right now. Monday night I went over to Brady's house knowing full well what would happen if I went over. Sure enough, within 5 minutes of arriving we were taking off our pants. I can't believe what I've done. This is so incredibly out of character for me. My car broke down at his house and I ended up sleeping with him and then doing it again yesterday morning. I felt so incredibly cheap.

I think the gravity hit me yesterday afternoon. Who the hell is this girl??? To the outsider, I seem very put together. My cousin, who knows what's going on with me, just said, "You're the girl everyone thinks has their priorities straight. We were all so excited when you lost the weight because you were like the perfect girl before, only a big girl. I guess there were other issues." Kinda hurt when she said that, but it was true. I just sat and cried hysterically to her. I got a little bit of a judgemental response from her, but she still loves me and she's willing to help me through this. I think I might tell my parents. It scares the hell out of me, but I think they can help me.

Okay, and you guys are going to think I'm stupid for doing this, too, but I'm still very happy I made this decision: I called Kori because he's the only person in the world I know who has had a sex addiction and has, at least in a way, been able to control it. I felt safe in doing this because I don't feel like I want him in that way any more. We talked for a couple hours. He gave me some incredibly good advice along with some hope that it can be overcome. He's doing so well and I was really, really relieved to hear it. For a long time I blamed myself for him relapsing. It's good to hear that he's been problem-free since the end of December, even while seriously dating another woman for 3 months. I keep thinking, "How am I ever going to be able to date someone I'm attracted to?" He's like the addiction guru, probably because he's the male version of me. So he's been calling or texting me frequently, making sure I'm not screwing up, giving me advice on how to deal with temptation, etc. Today is day 2 of my 21-day program. Just 21 days. I can resist for 21 days. He says it will be harder and harder until day 7, when I'll start to see the light. And day 14 is relapse day for a lot of people, but if you can pull through you can make it to day 21. So this is the new goal. I'm tired of feeling so cheap. I want to feel like superwoman again.

I know not all of you are religious, but for me, I feel like the Lord is the only person who can truly save me at this point. I am powerless on my own right now. He can lift me up and I know this can be washed away. I can be made whole again. I know that for the next while I will really, really want to give in again. I know at any second I could call Brady and he'd be over, but I have to overcome this. I have to. If I don't, it will destroy me. Please tell me this is possible!

Thanks for believing in me, you guys, even if I still feel overwhelmed by the thought of giving this up. I hope, like some of you said, that one day I can get past this, too. Brenda, woman, I deserve to be slapped. I'm sure this is frustrating y'all to no end. I'll probably quit posting here because I'm apparently not willing to listen at the moment and therefore don't really need the support. Sorry for dragging you all into my theatrical life, at the moment. I'm not giving the guys the power right now, I'm just giving into something I have a hard time controlling. Yeah, I gave Travis the power the other night, but I'm not answering his calls right now anyway. This issue is not about Travis, it's about me.

You guys, I'm sorry for the theatrics. But I can't do this any more. I can't beat this. It's too hard. I'm done trying.

You guys are just awesome... really. I'm quite certain I must have a lack of self-respect. I hate Kori. I don't want to. I want to forgive him, but before him I was a good girl who had self-respect. I truly thought he loved me and wanted to marry me. Once he used me and threw me away I lost respect for myself and continued to think of myself as only good for one thing with men. What also comes into play here is this element of trying to "one-up" him with good looking guys who "want" me (because he told me the other woman was more attractive). These good looking guys are just trouble. And it spirals downward. You feel worse an worse about yourself after each episode and soon enough you can't stop. I'm surprised I've been as disciplined as I have been, considering the obsessive thoughts about sex I have, pretty much 24/7. I'm taking 5-HTP to see if that will help. I honestly think this could be a product of serotonin deficiency or overtaxed adrenals. But regardless, it's a problem that needs addressing, professionally.

Anyhow, Sam, yeah, I am too open. Can you tell? LOL. I'm pretty honest and I need to be reserved a bit more. I don't wear my heart on my sleeve, so to speak, but I like to be 'down to earth' and that, for me, sometimes, equates to talking about your imperfections. Believe it or not, in person I'm pretty even-keel. Most would say I'm a "happy, lively girl" all the time. I don't cry, unless it's today, because I felt date-raped. Anyhow, yeah, more reservation is certainly called for with men. I'll keep this in mind. Thank you for the advice.

And thank you ALL for your advice. It helps me so much to read your posts and know that others have been through it and were able to overcome it and lead happy lives.

Oh thank you guys! I want to be able to see through these men before it gets to this. Travis just used me. I feel incredibly used by him. Travis didn't stop the other day until TRAVIS was done, regardless of the fact that I said "stop!" This was the first time since Kori that I've felt date raped and incredibly, incredibly used in the worst way.

He called his morning to talk. I told him I was upset about the other day. He told me that I'd lost my "mystery and luster" to him. What an a#%hole! He said, "Let's not go out tonight." He was just using me. I truly believe that now. He was biding his time until he got what he wanted. I don't know if he's being honest when he says it had been a long time since he'd even made out with a girl. Well he was pretty quick on the draw the other day for someone who hasn't done that in awhile!

I have kind of lost hope if myself and in men. The good ones are... gone. They're married now, to the skinny girl they met at church LOL. I'm stayin single after my date with Brady on Tuesday.

Dawn. Look how great you've done in so short a time! Amazing!!!