puddin

Ladies, I hit a new low. I feel like the cheapest slut right now. Monday night I went over to Brady's house knowing full well what would happen if I went over. Sure enough, within 5 minutes of arriving we were taking off our pants. I can't believe what I've done. This is so incredibly out of character for me. My car broke down at his house and I ended up sleeping with him and then doing it again yesterday morning. I felt so incredibly cheap. I think the gravity hit me yesterday afternoon. Who the hell is this girl??? To the outsider, I seem very put together. My cousin, who knows what's going on with me, just said, "You're the girl everyone thinks has their priorities straight. We were all so excited when you lost the weight because you were like the perfect girl before, only a big girl. I guess there were other issues." Kinda hurt when she said that, but it was true. I just sat and cried hysterically to her. I got a little bit of a judgemental response from her, but she still loves me and she's willing to help me through this. I think I might tell my parents. It scares the hell out of me, but I think they can help me. Okay, and you guys are going to think I'm stupid for doing this, too, but I'm still very happy I made this decision: I called Kori because he's the only person in the world I know who has had a sex addiction and has, at least in a way, been able to control it. I felt safe in doing this because I don't feel like I want him in that way any more. We talked for a couple hours. He gave me some incredibly good advice along with some hope that it can be overcome. He's doing so well and I was really, really relieved to hear it. For a long time I blamed myself for him relapsing. It's good to hear that he's been problem-free since the end of December, even while seriously dating another woman for 3 months. I keep thinking, "How am I ever going to be able to date someone I'm attracted to?" He's like the addiction guru, probably because he's the male version of me. So he's been calling or texting me frequently, making sure I'm not screwing up, giving me advice on how to deal with temptation, etc. Today is day 2 of my 21-day program. Just 21 days. I can resist for 21 days. He says it will be harder and harder until day 7, when I'll start to see the light. And day 14 is relapse day for a lot of people, but if you can pull through you can make it to day 21. So this is the new goal. I'm tired of feeling so cheap. I want to feel like superwoman again. I know not all of you are religious, but for me, I feel like the Lord is the only person who can truly save me at this point. I am powerless on my own right now. He can lift me up and I know this can be washed away. I can be made whole again. I know that for the next while I will really, really want to give in again. I know at any second I could call Brady and he'd be over, but I have to overcome this. I have to. If I don't, it will destroy me. Please tell me this is possible!

Thanks for believing in me, you guys, even if I still feel overwhelmed by the thought of giving this up. I hope, like some of you said, that one day I can get past this, too. Brenda, woman, I deserve to be slapped. I'm sure this is frustrating y'all to no end. I'll probably quit posting here because I'm apparently not willing to listen at the moment and therefore don't really need the support. Sorry for dragging you all into my theatrical life, at the moment. I'm not giving the guys the power right now, I'm just giving into something I have a hard time controlling. Yeah, I gave Travis the power the other night, but I'm not answering his calls right now anyway. This issue is not about Travis, it's about me.

You guys, I'm sorry for the theatrics. But I can't do this any more. I can't beat this. It's too hard. I'm done trying.

You guys are just awesome... really. I'm quite certain I must have a lack of self-respect. I hate Kori. I don't want to. I want to forgive him, but before him I was a good girl who had self-respect. I truly thought he loved me and wanted to marry me. Once he used me and threw me away I lost respect for myself and continued to think of myself as only good for one thing with men. What also comes into play here is this element of trying to "one-up" him with good looking guys who "want" me (because he told me the other woman was more attractive). These good looking guys are just trouble. And it spirals downward. You feel worse an worse about yourself after each episode and soon enough you can't stop. I'm surprised I've been as disciplined as I have been, considering the obsessive thoughts about sex I have, pretty much 24/7. I'm taking 5-HTP to see if that will help. I honestly think this could be a product of serotonin deficiency or overtaxed adrenals. But regardless, it's a problem that needs addressing, professionally. Anyhow, Sam, yeah, I am too open. Can you tell? LOL. I'm pretty honest and I need to be reserved a bit more. I don't wear my heart on my sleeve, so to speak, but I like to be 'down to earth' and that, for me, sometimes, equates to talking about your imperfections. Believe it or not, in person I'm pretty even-keel. Most would say I'm a "happy, lively girl" all the time. I don't cry, unless it's today, because I felt date-raped. Anyhow, yeah, more reservation is certainly called for with men. I'll keep this in mind. Thank you for the advice. And thank you ALL for your advice. It helps me so much to read your posts and know that others have been through it and were able to overcome it and lead happy lives.

Oh thank you guys! I want to be able to see through these men before it gets to this. Travis just used me. I feel incredibly used by him. Travis didn't stop the other day until TRAVIS was done, regardless of the fact that I said "stop!" This was the first time since Kori that I've felt date raped and incredibly, incredibly used in the worst way. He called his morning to talk. I told him I was upset about the other day. He told me that I'd lost my "mystery and luster" to him. What an a#%hole! He said, "Let's not go out tonight." He was just using me. I truly believe that now. He was biding his time until he got what he wanted. I don't know if he's being honest when he says it had been a long time since he'd even made out with a girl. Well he was pretty quick on the draw the other day for someone who hasn't done that in awhile! I have kind of lost hope if myself and in men. The good ones are... gone. They're married now, to the skinny girl they met at church LOL. I'm stayin single after my date with Brady on Tuesday.

Dawn. Look how great you've done in so short a time! Amazing!!!

Thanks you guys, for the advice. I truly do appreciate it. I know it sounds like I ignore it, but I'm taking it to heart. Bring on the sorrow. Today is guilt day. Major, major guilt day. Met with my bishop tonight after Institute (like bible study). He didn't disfellowship me, like I thought he would. But it will be a long time before I can have all the rights and privileges that go with being a worthy member. I have really screwed this up. Let's say Travis and I decide to get married in 6 months or so, hypothetically speaking. We couldn't get married the WAY we wanted to because of the decisions that we made. Here's where I have to pay for what I've done. I also have to pay in terms of relationships. I'm sure Travis doesn't see me the same way as he did before. I'm certain I've lost my luster to him. He's lost luster to me, too. I'm just done with this crazy crap. It's too painful. I'm having one serious talk with that boy tomorrow and it's going to go like this: "Travis, I like you and I want to continue to date you. But if we can't control ourselves then I can't date you any more.":faint:

Ya, I just asked my friends to double with us for next week and then the week after that we're going to a musical with a group of friends. I know we'll get together in the meantime, but we'll lay down the law. In fact, he called me this morning, apologizing over and over. He said, "I am so embarassed. I'm so sorry, Georgia. I'm so sorry. I think where we went wrong is telling each other about our past." But he wanted us to get our "stories" straight for Seth, because he knew Seth would call both of us and ask how things went last night, because he'd called us and "warned" us before we went out last night. I'm starting to think Seth might be a tad inspired. Just a tad, though, LOL. So Travis's story for seth was "We cuddled, kissed a little, and when things got a little heated I said 'okay let's stop.'" WHAT??? So his story is that HE was the one who put on the brakes? Oh HELL no! In reality, it was ME who was putting on the brakes most of the time and him who kept pushing it after that, saying things like, "It's hard to stop now because the damage has already been done. Come on." Sorry to be graphic, you guys, but he wouldn't stop until he got off. Even when I said, "Okay, I can't do this any more. I'm a conflicted woman," he just had to keep going until he was done. This morning after Travis called I just dropped to my knees in despair and prayed. I can't do this on my own any more. I don't know how to stop on my own. I don't want to be alone forever, but I don't want to keep screwing things up with men, and especially men like Travis who have been "clean" for two years. TWO YEARS and he's pushing it like you wouldn't believe with me last night. This was not the behavior of someone who has been good for two years. Well, I guess it could be, and he had it all pent up. I just don't know. I want to keep dating him, but I also want to be able to cuddle without going so far. I'm afraid if we did it again it would be sex next time.

Hey Future, I did get your message. Did you get my response? It's possible I never sent it and it's still open on my computer at work! Okay, so tonight I went on a little pre-date date with Travis tonight. He came over, we went to dinner, came back to my house, popped in a DVD, and made out. Dammit! It went too far again. Hands down his pants, my shirt off, lots of grinding, and even worse things I won't get into here... it never got to intercourse or any oral sex or anything, though I know he really wanted that. But oh my oh my oh my. I don't think I should date this boy after our Friday date. I thought he was a good boy. Actually, he might be. Oh hell, if I keep dumping these guys after making out with them there will be no men left! The thing is that I really genuinely like this fella. He seems to match my personality pretty well. He's very goal-oriented, incredibly active, fun to be with, has spiritual goals, etc. Why do I keep screwing this up. Shoulda never invited him over to my house after dinner. You know what's funny? Seth called me just 10 minutes before Travis came over and said, "Don't get into trouble with Travis tonight, okay?" That's the pot calling the kettle black! Apparently he called Travis and told him the same thing, only he said to him, "It would hurt my feelings if you got into trouble with her." So weird. Maybe because Seth and I used to date. Anyhow, we kept freakin apologizing to each other tonight after each "episode" and finally I said, "Stop saying 'I'm sorry', let's just not do it again." But we kept on doing it! We're still going out on Friday. I said, "Let's not go back to anyone's house after, okay?" That will make it easier to resist the temptation to make out. Funny thing is, I don't think it'll be a problem on Friday. I've been through this before. Make out on the first date, and there's no funny business on the 2nd date. It's like we got it all out on the first date. So hopefully the man is still interested in me. I said, "I like you, so I didn't want to make out with you tonight." He said, "The feeling is mutual." He likes me, a lot, I think. Anyhow, I'm rambling now. Probably because he left 5 minutes ago and now I'm just... thinking.

Good point. I have definitely been under a lot of stress lately, so that could explain the recent surge in appetite. I like the water idea, I'm going to try it. Except I'm going to put the green tea extract in it. That stuff is so nasty I don't want anything else for a few hours after that. So I'll kick that into high gear and see how it works. And thanks for the nice compliment!

Apex Fit Chocolate Protein Shakes are what I eat for breakfast. They taste like a milkshake. Never had a shake so tasty. You can order at www.myapex.com.

This might sound terrible, but I got a loan from my bank first and then got one of those 2.99% on transfers for the life of the loan credit cards to switch it over to. CHEAP!

THANK YOU!!! I'll post an update after our date on Friday.

Nile, how in the heck are you not hungry all the time? Here's my thing: I work my butt off at the gym and on my bike, but I am freakin hungry ALL the time. I eat like 2,000 calories a day. I'm pretty well restricted, but still hungry, even when I'm full I'm just not.. satisfied. I don't get it!

You guys are FUNNY! Maybe I'll eat some kimche before, that stuff makes your breath unbearable. Brenda, woman, I am so proud of you. And now that your excess stomach (and boobs, for that matter) is gone you'll be able to push it so much harder. Running with a flabby stomach is not the easiest thing in the world. I bet you work that 13-minute mile down really, really quickly. And 13 minutes is AWESOME! Disneyland sounds like SO much fun, too. Your husband's a rock star. I wanna go with you guys! Ok, so here are the blanks filled in: I went to a mission reunion last Friday. My old mission prez kept grilling me on how I was doing. I took one last look into the man's eyes after telling him everything was "fine" and confessed all my sins LOL! Oh my, so he took me into a room and gave me an interview, so to speak. I guess once a mission president always a mission president. He told me to dump Jacques. Uh yup. He said, "He's not good enough for you." I don't know where he got that as I did the same thing HE did, but the man is inspired, he's never steered me wrong, so... that's what I have to do. It's going to be hard and Jacques won't see it coming, but I have to do it. Raaaaaah! Why is this SO HARD??!!! The thing is that I won't even know what to say to the man. I have no reason to break up with him except that my mission prez told me to do it and I respect him. Anyhow, went out with Travis (Seth's bro). He's pretty amazing you guys. Actually a GOOD GUY! What the heck??? No makeout, just cuddle action. We're going out again Friday. We've been talking on the phone a lot. I really like this guy. He's just everything I'm looking for, and, according to him, I'm everything HE is looking for. I'm trying not to get my hopes up with this guy, but it's hard not to. He's a slow mover, though, which is good for me. The man has serious self-control. He has made some mistakes, like me (though not quite as serious), but we're both working through them. So I guess that's where things stand right now.

Hey Girl Sorry, I didn't see this post until you PM'd me! Anyhow, yes, I'd be happy to share how it all went down: No, I was never, ever athletic in my whole life. I was banded and was a slow loser until about month 7 or 8, when I had an "aha" moment and realized that the band wasn't going to work for me unless I MADE it work. So I bought this gadget called the body bugg that tracks calories burned accurately and got moving. At first I hated the exercise, then grew to sort of like it. Then my good friends got into biking. I was jealous of how much fun they had on their trips. As soon as I was down enough for my stomach NOT to be in the way, I bought a bike and started with them. This is when the weight really started coming off! I was hooked. Then I started getting into soccer, which led to running... which has now led to the triathlon. I got SO into biking that I ended up riding around 35-50 miles each day on the weekdays and longer on the weekends. The running became a challenge for me with my extra belly fat. But I learned to jog at about 5 mph (a 12-minute mile) until I had my tummy tuck, and now I am doing about a 10-minute mile. It's exhilirating to watch my minutes/mile decrease. I'm hoping to be down to an 8-9 minute mile during my tri. I have to admit that the addiction for food sort of just transfered over to exercise. I have an addictive personality, so this goes with it, the tendency to go all-out with things. I don't know the meaning of the word moderation. As far as advice goes, if you're motivated by numbers and statistics, get yourself the body bugg. You'll be motivated to just get moving and burning more calories because you'll actually SEE what you're burning. It's helped me so greatly. Good luck to you. I know you can do this and MAKE it work for you!

Thank you, Karey. I agree. I WAS worried with Seth - he's just sort of strangely charming with his complete, brutal honesty, and his good looks. But in the end we made the right decision, and he was a good guy about it and hooked me up with his bro. Oh my, I have a pic of this boy on my blog that exemplifies his personality - cocky, a little beligerent, athletic... Anyhow, dang, wish I had a pic of his bro. Now what to do about that bike trip to Denmark with Jacques this July??? Oh my, I'm in a predicament with that one. There's no way we're not going to do something when 1-we've done it before, 2-we're sharing a hotel room that week, and 3-we're alone (the friend backed out). I need to come up with a good creative solution to this one, because I definitely want to go to Denmark.

HA! Okay, went out with Seth. Guess what? I got his bro! LOL! We doubled with his brother. Anyhow, his brother calls me about 15 minutes after the date ends and asks me out. I love it. Seth's not such a bad guy. Apparently this was his intention. He was putting up a badass front, but deep down he's a nice guy. So me and his bro are going out next weekend sometime.. Remember the sick feeling I had? It kind of went away when we decided to not go to each others' houses and double. I'm so glad now.

Hey Chrispy I'm just not going to let that rule go. Seriously. I'm just going to go cold turkey. I've done it before, I can do it again. In fact, after the first time I went cold turkey with the making out (when I was in my early 20's) I really honestly and truly forgot what it was like to be addicted to it until... well, now. I can still be a sexual being, but I'd like to keep that within the confines of marriage. I can't find a good guy like this. My belief is that God will show me a good guy when I'm ready for him. And a good guy isn't going to want me right now. I joke that I'm the perfect girl on paper but in reality I'm all messed up LOL. I was way more emotionally balanced when fat. So weird how losing weight makes you sort of lose your identity and then you're all over the place again. Hey, I got a fill today and my nurse brought up something very interesting. She said they'd been hearing a lot lately about addiction replacement, and asked me specifically if I'd been replacing my food addiction with another addiction. Funny. There needs to be more education about this to those being banded. There WILL be a need for addiction replacement. Honestly, I wonder if a 12-step program would work for us? Hey Liz, was it cool? It would have been awesome to watch the surgery. Don't let it scare you. It's not THAT bad! Ok people, date with Seth in 1 hr 15 min... we're going to an arcade - NICE AND SAFE! Then I'll tell him I want to date his brother LOL.

Pamela... I really like this advice of yours. I decided yesterday, really decided, to be true to myself. I thought to myself, "Self, one of two things has got to go in order for you to be at peace: You've either got to be okay with being slightly promiscuous (not that I'm sleeping around with every guy. Just two guys in the last 4 months, I was in love with one of them and was going to marry him an the other I really, really like still, and the rest have been bad makeouts or phone sex) and forget your moral beliefs, or you have to give up the promiscuity and be true to your moral and church standards." It was a no-brainer. I have found myself in actual withdrawals from it. I was so pissy yesterday because I was horny with no outlet LOL. I resisted the "phone sex" with Seth, because we're both working on being good. I even prayed... really hard... to just know what to do to be happy. I have found myself feeling low because I have no scheduled dates after Thursday. How pathetic! Why should I need a man to be happy with ME? I seem to always need a man around to feel good about myself. It's ridiculous. So I'm working on things to get the focus off of myself for awhile. I used to volunteer at the temple on Saturdays until I couldn't any more (because of the sex), so I'm going to replace that with the food bank or something. I don't know, I just need to not focus on me for awhile. Liz you are so freakin funny. I like your posts and your PMs... and your pics, for that matter. Wait, can I be you? And I do appreciate your 'romp in the dirt' funny attitude. I've certainly been embracing it lately. But I think overall I'll be happier not doing it. I'll let them chase me for awhile. Hell, maybe I'll take a dating hiatus, even. I'm thinking a good month oughtta put things into perspective - and give me a few free nights a week to play soccer with the league LOL. I miss it. It's a nice outlet. You don't have to play games with the ball to get it to like you, you just kick the hell out of it. Rene, you're hilarious! What's my "position" on toys? jk. In my church we don't believe in masturbating, so I don't (despite the fact that I've done other bad things). It's funny, I went out with that guy last Friday and told him I wouldn't watch a rated R movie but then after we made out hardcore LOL. I guess you gotta not let all those standards go. But as far as toys go within the marriage, between couples, as far as I know that's just fine. But you know what's funny? Seth wants to have phone sex before we go out on Thursday, you know, to get it all "out" before we go out, that way there will be no temptation. I told him that was the stupidest idea I'd ever heard.

Oh yeah, and sorry, Angie, yes, I was self-pay. The lower-body lift was $8,500. A tummy tuck alone would have been, I believe, $4,500. I didn't have my inner thighs done, but a body lift does an outer thigh lift by default. I didn't have lipo done on my legs, I just lost like 15 pounds after the surgery.

Thank you all for being so concerned. I'm concerned, too. And I've just decided to change. I'm not happy doing this crap. I know it's not right, it's causing a lot of internal conflict and heartbreak. I'm not going to really date for awhile after this week. I have the trip planned with Jacques (the guy on my flickr photo site) in July. I expressed to him last night that we HAVE to behave ourselves on this trip, so maybe we can stay in hostels with other people in the room. I know there will be opportunities to be immoral with each other, but he's a good, strong guy. I know if I set boundaries and we talk about them, he'll respect them... He doesn't know what I've been up to here in Utah. I feel badly about that, not because we're exclusive or anything, but because I just feel like I've deceived him. I'm sure he thinks I'm more involved with him than I really am. I don't know if I ever want to tell him. I just want to not do it any more. Anyhow, Angie, THANK YOU! The new guy is Jacques and he IS hot He's not really new, I guess. But yeah, the link you posted is a few weeks old, but I was in a solid 8 then. The swelling has gone down even further, that's why I can fit into a tight 6, except my thighs are still big, so I have to get "curvy" 6 jeans. But it's still unreal to me.

Eva, girl, you don't sound harsh. But the truth is he's NOT using me for anything except the fact that he wants to go out with me. That's it. I'm a totally equal participant in the phone sex, too. In fact, I probably instigate it more than he does... well that's stretching it. I am very, very, very attracted to this boy - probably partly because he IS a bad boy and the other part is just his looks. The phone sex is my total weakness and any time I do the phone sex with a guy it's a pretty much guaranteed hardcore makeout session, usually involving some type of sex (though not intercourse) the next time we get together. This is why it has got to stop. Anyhow, I can't contact his brother directly because I don't even have his number. Seth is just doing what Seth does... DATE. And yes, I am behaving quite childish. I'm acting like a player. I know it. I really am using guys. I feel bad after I do, but when we both want it it's SOOOOO hard to say no. I realize that's a stupid excuse. It's hard for everyone to say no. And perhaps I do have a sexual addiction like my ex thought I did. I went out with a guy last Friday, a first date, and yes, we made out pretty hardcore at the end of the date. But I stopped things before the pants came off. He just laid there and said, "I have GOT to be good. It sucks putting the brakes on, though." I just can't seem to WANT these guys after I've made out with them like that. Karey, I don't feel unloved or even unworthy of a good guy. And I'm not letting them take advantage of me. It's entirely mutual. It wasn't really mutual with my ex, to be honest with you. I felt date-raped by him the first time. But then it just got easier and easier. Jacques, believe it or not, is a really good guy, despite the fact that we did have sex. I feel bad for letting it go as far as it did - he hasn't done it since he joined the church (at 23 years old). He went on a mission a year later, became A.P. on his mission, came home, has been just an awesome, awesome strong guy, in every way. We just made a mistake. I wasn't using Jacques. I have genuine feelings for him and he does for me, too... I would probably marry him and move to Denmark if he asked me tomorrow. Not because I'm desperate or feel the need to marry immediately, but because he's wonderful and I know he'd make an amazing husband. And I realize that my Heavenly Father loves me no matter what. I realize that I can repent of this. But first I have to have Godly sorrow, and I just don't yet. But hitting bottom sucks. When I broke up with my ex I hit rock bottom, felt the Godly sorrow, and repented... but here I go again, seemingly unable to remember the pain or sorrow for the sin, despite the fact that the word 'remember' echoed in my head for an entire two months, and I didn't know why. I know why now I should have sought the meaning to that word, but I never had 'time'. I don't want to wax Freud on you, but I wonder if this is somehow a subconscious effort to bring myself down to the level of my ex. I'm still in love with the dirty bastard but I was just... better than he was. Anyhow, I'm blogging, too. You guys, I'll most likely cancel with Seth. I bet we'll talk tonight and I'm sure the conversation will be turbulent like it usually is. At one turbulent point I'll just say "Seth, you're a cool guy, but I don't want to go out with you." End of story.

Brenda What an incredible experience for your daughter. Even though we sometimes don't listen to that voice, when we don't it just reaffirms why we SHOULD HAVE and makes us more likely to listen the next time. Here's the thing, though: I'm not sure that I'm sick over this because I'm just worried that a. he'll reject me, or b. he'll try to make out with me and he goes too far with it. In a way I want to go out with him so he'll invite me on his river rafting trips and his other extreme sport adventures. He has really fun friends. But HE is kind of a jerk. Have you ever seen Elimidate? He was on it. You know how those guys are that have the women pining for them on the show? That's exactly how he is. Beautiful... but cocky, in the worst way. This modeling agency set him up with it. And he has ADHD, which he uses as an excuse for his erratic behavior constantly. We talk for hours on end, but it's mostly me telling him that he's messed up, or swapping sports stories. But then there's also the phone sex... yeah, I know. He calls late at night, like midnight, and we talk until 4 AM, and it ALWAYS involves phone sex more than once. He kind of likes the abuse from me, though, I think. He says I'm a "cool girl," but he has no idea I was the fat orchestra nerd in high school and he was the coolest kid in school - we just DON'T match up. In a way I want to just get it over with and finally go out with him. The boy had hernia surgery a couple weeks ago, so I don't think he'll try to have sex with me. It would hurt too bad for him. Anyhow, I think I'll pray about it. If I still have that sick feeling I won't go out with him... or his good brother, I guess. His brother does triathlons and isn't ADHD and isn't NEAR as cocky, just picky, and is religious. He tells me his bro is still a virgin, and he's 29. I really, really wanna date this guy. I get along better with him. But dammit, Seth is the connection. He says he won't tell his bro that he went out with me or about the phone sex. Seth claims to have an 80% marriage success rate with his set-ups LOL, and he thinks I'm perfect for his bro, and I'd have to sort of agree. So WHY does he have to go out with me first??? He's freakin crazy.

Karey You're very sweet. Thanks for your words of encouragement. You're absolutly right, too. I don't want to go inactive. The church is so incredibly important to me. The funny thing about all of this is that I have continued to say my prayers, read my scriptures, pay my tithing, go to church, etc. I just have this one BIG problem. But I know this problem could spread to inactivity, especially if I were excommunicated. I do feel terribly about this. But I have resolved myself to not do it again until I'm married. I've slipped up on a couple dates, not with full-on sex, but with some hardcore making out. But, you know, I never had this stupid problem before Kori, my ex. Once it was lost, it has been SO hard to not do things with men. And I do have issues, though I didn't think I did. Many of them come as a consequence of sin, mostly the sin from my most serious relationship with Kori, and also the incredible rejection afterwards. It was like I gave him something precious and then he threw me away. I felt terrible. I'm very much like a teenager, dating-wise. I don't know how to keep boundaries, I'm just... horny, basically. I don't even respect some of these guys, and especially don't respect them after making out with them and then never call or respond to them again. I seem to have maintained my respect for Jacques, however, strangely enough. Maybe because we had a friendship base prior. But I need to listen more, Karey. Like, for example, I have a date with a guy next Thursday. For some reason I feel sick about it, very sick. I KNOW he's a bad boy and he uses women, however, he promises up and down that he won't try to make out with me. He's an honest guy, so I believe he intends not to. But on the other hand... why do I feel so sick about it? I think I'm hunt for him. He's the kind of guy who can get any woman he wants: He's been a model, into extreme sports, beautiful, beautiful body, surfer-type dude, very "cool"... the kind of guy I would have never dreamt of going out with... and so I really think I'm not his type. I said, "Seth, I think you're a really cool guy, but I don't want to go out with you." Well ever since he's just been laying it on THICK. And that's why I think I'm the hunt. He wants what he can't have. I know it would never work out with HIM, but I want the boy to set me up with his brother, who IS a good guy, but Seth says he won't until I go out with him, first. Then he says I can have his bro. He told me that he thought I'd be good for his brother, but that he didn't want to pass up the opportunity to first say he didn't want me, just in case. Oh my. I feel so passed around. Anyhow, it's like I'm blogging here and I'm sorry... but Karey, I will honestly try to be better. I'm going to pray hard for some strength tonight, and especially for the upcoming week where I have a few dates that may end up going in that direction.