Smye

@@OKCPirate, absolutely agree - though I use jerky as a convenience food also, it helps when you make your own.

@@VDB, Not preachy at, all - thank you. And I agree - I'm not headed into anything just yet, more allowing myself to explore the possibility at this point and all under the careful guidance of a Straight Partner-experienced therapist. I don't typically make decisions until I've overthought them for at least a year - so although I'm excited to form a newbond of some sort, I'm 100% upfront about each step of the way and don't see marriage until quite a ways out.

100% normal and even expected. As you metabolize lots of fat, your body is dumping a whole host of various estrogens into your bloodstream. At 2 months out, my bloodwork suggested I was pregnant (full story here). Later your testosterone concentrations will rise (less volume of blood, same amount of production) and the estrogens will indeed fall. That's a whole other thing to get used to.

This is precisely why I went with my program - they won't even consider you if you're not willing and eager to do manditory 2 year follow up in psych, exercise physiology, nutrition, and meet with the surgeon monthly for the first 6 months and quarterly thereafter, with unlimited 'as needed' appointments throughout. They also offer support for 5 years beyond the initial 2 if you want it. If that wasn't impressive enough, they recently started an outreach program for folks who had surgery anywhere that didn't offer the support to enroll them in their aftercare at a fraction of what it actually costs them to run.

I'm with @@Elode on this one at this point. But I WILL say that I have that issue if I eat or drink anything within an hour of eating one. I also eat, at most, 2 a month in case of emergency. Maybe if I had more of them I'd have noticed more?

Just a quick update - Mrs. Smye is still working through her process and debating whether/how to tell her parents. I, on the other hand, am continuing to realize more and more how much of the grieving of our marriage I've already done. 6 years ago when she first told me she didn't think she was actually attracted to me, I started grieving the 'mutual attraction' aspect. 5 years ago when she told me (with the utmost kindness and honesty, not out of spite or anything) 'I really don't enjoy sex and, you know, if we never had it again, I'd be thrilled,' I started grieving the 'sexual intimacy' portion. When she told me 'it really bothers me/makes me uncomfortable when you a)suprise me with something special; B.) tell me I'm beautiful; c) arrange a special evening even with my foreknowledge; d) do anything else typically identified as 'romantic,' I began grieving the 'romantic' aspect of our relationship. 2 years ago when a surgeon who was working on something else entirely essentially destroyed her vagina (the bas****, he's still the only person I've ever had violent dreams about - even without sex it hurts her to walk more than 5 minutes at a time...), I began to grieve the 'sex at all' portion of our relationship. Everything else, our deep love and respect for one another as parents, as best friends, as co-learners and cohabitators, those I don't have to grieve. Except for the last, but that's a ways off and I can start that grief process now. I don't mean to claim that I'm 'over it.' Holy hell it still hurts. I'm nowhere near over it. I don't know if I ever will be. But I feel, in many ways, a sense of peace that my feelings of never being 'enough' for her were not only justified, but had nothing to do with me. AND I'm shocked at how excited I feel for both of us to move forward while doing our damnedest to keep our friendship solid whatever comes in terms of the pain/frustration that's inevitable moving forward. All that said, though a piece of me is screaming "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?" I've recognized that this has all been going down for as long as we've been wed. Not that she knew she was ***** (her currently chosen term), nor that we would inevitably divorce some day, but that our marriage wasn't all of what either of us wanted it to be, despite being nauseatingly idyllic in so many other areas. And I never, ever, have to sacrifice those idyllic pieces if I don't choose to, even if and when we divorce. And so the next step - dating. I'm not interested in dating around, sleeping around, or trying to 'get the most bang (sorry) for my buck out of my new body.' But if I'm decided to find a new partner (and I am), I'm eager to get going. I'm thinking I'll start with an OKCupid account here in the next couple of weeks after my next meeting with my counselor. How weird to be simultaneously nauseated and utterly thrilled. Does that make sense?

@@AnA92212, thank you for your support, sitting with me in my grief is precisely what I need. That and I may invite advice on the process when I start dating - though less about my current relationship and more about simply "what the hell is dating?" But yeah, it hurts like hell. And it's exhilarating. And scary. And, well, everything.

@@VSGAnn2014, Thank you, thank you, thank you! I want to say more, but nothing can say it better. Thank you. Please keep speaking truth to power (and to bariatric pals). @@Dar200, thank you. I do. @@Folly, Thank you again for sharing your experience - although mine will undoubtedly be unique, I am thankful to learn what has happened to/for others. When I reached out to TSSN, their response was... less than supportive. They were well-intentioned, but the assumption of duplicity on Mrs. Smye's part at the least was a given for those I spoke with. Serious bummer.

@@Elode, no kidding. And it's those poor girls who haven't quite figured out that 5 pumps is too many when it comes to perfume and that form fitting doesn't mean as tight as you can possibly fit into. I guess it's part of growing up, but still...

Although it drives me nuts when my 14 year old students show up in see-through leggings @@Elode, I couldn't agree more.

@@betrthnever, HERE HERE! @@cusoon, thank you for your willingness to be vulnerable and share! @@VSGAnn2014, no kidding, that's two of us! @@Rogofulm, I'll admit, were it anyone else, even now going through this myself, I'd give roughly the same advice to them. However (and I admit this might be naive), I don't plan on following it entirely myself - excepting that ABSOLUTELY we're going to be seeing a counselor to help guide us through this process and the deal is 100% open honesty at all stages and a willingness to change the plan when/if need be. Of course it's going to hurt like hell, but I think that's inherent in the vulnerability necessary for us to stay a family in the way we want. Check out Brene Brown (like, read the books more than just the TED talk), it's great stuff.

Thank you so much for finally posting something like this. My blog is entirely dedicated to the concept: www.baridelciousfood.blogspot.com

@@VSGAnn2014, thank you. @@Jessica Ellison-Correa, Agreed on all counts, even the caveat.

@@Folly, thank you so much for sharing your story, the perspective of the new spouse of a formerly straight spouse is one I haven't heard and it is a huge asset to me to hear it. And thank you for the *hugs* as well, received and warmed! My sympathies & congratulation to your husband. If you don't mind sharing a little more, what was the experience like for you? I'm at the point of considering the possibility of actually, really, truly, coming to love someone else and want to ensure that I am able to support my future spouse through what will undoubtedly be challenging for her as well. @@cusoon, I'm so sorry you and your ex went through that, it hurts like hell. But I'm so glad to hear your story! I too hope (and trust) that 25 years from now we'll be where you are, but the getting there in the meantime is daunting. For now, we share a bed still, we live together, and ideally will do so until one of us is repartnered, but, for example - how do we navigate this when we start actually seeing other people? What about when/if Mrs. Smye doesn't make enough to support herself, I don't make enough to support a mortgage AND a rent, but (assuming I repartner first) my new partner has moved in etc etc. Long story short - thank you. And yes, Mrs. Smye is made of stronger stuff than I can even conceive of. @@jane13, thank you!

So I've found two possible counsellors - one who specializes in giftedness (a condition that makes most counseling a difficult process for most of those who fall into that category - yay me ), and one who specializes in LGBTIQ issues. I've got an appointment with each in two weeks - I'll just have to see if either is a good fit. Also, a VERY surreal experience today. I found myself sobbing on my drive into work, I am very literally giving up my longest held dream (I first decided I would marry my wife when I was 5) by considering going forward with our plan. And throughout our marriage, I've been entirely faithful to her, both with my body and with my mind - not even considering other women as anything more than purely platonic, struggling at times to even appreciate their beauty more deeply than I do a mountain range (a lot of appreciation and wonder, but nothing romantic or 'yearning' or sexual). In short, she's been my everything. So today when I suddenly realized that I was looking at the left hand of every female bodied person I saw to see if a ring was there and if so on which finger. Well, it was a huge rush of shame initially mostly now it's just a curiousity, something I'm working to understand more than on a cognitive level... ... especially when I realized that I am married. I love my wife with my entire self. I fully intend to keep loving her just as deeply until the day I die. And I'm utterly psyched (and more than a little terrified) at the thought of making love with another woman. Wait, what? Really? I want to have relationship, fall in love, and have sex with someone other than Mrs. Smye? Meaningful sex, not just affair sex? And still love Mrs. Smye? And somehow this isn't wrong? Yes. That's exactly what I mean. Don't get me wrong - I'm not actually ready to build my OKCupid profile, I've no idea when I will be. Heck, if the cute barista at starbucks asked me to dinner, I'd say no right now. But that doesn't mean I'm not excited and working hard to accept that this excitement is neither taboo nor any sort of betrayal. What a mind-f****.

@@katladee, Your post made me cry, a lot, in a good way. Thank you! @@funredneckgal, I'm glad you and your partner were able to find something workable - the more I research the more rare I learn that is. And thank you for your support. Unfortunately (for me anyway), she's not bi in the least, just hesitant (and I don't blame her) to accept any particular label. @@PokeyJo, I'm so sorry for your struggle/frustration/grief. And you're right on - we can indeed, we believe, maintain the core and the foundation of our relationship throughout this with honesty & openness.

Some people also make a concentrate by boiling lemon rind or hibiscus or whatever (like 2 cups or so) and then add the concentrate to a gallon or two of plain water and refrigerate - this is the fast way but to my taste is only 95% as good

@@wantingabetterlife - I just put it all in a mesh bag (old, boiled t-shirt or cheesecloth) and pop into a pitcher of water and let steep in the fridge as long as I want, but there are special bottles, doodads, etc you can buy. I also (depending on what I'm using) just pop water and flavorings into the pitcher and drink around (like with lemons).

@@mykdzmom, I get them from my garden. But to help make that a reality, you can buy stevia plants at many nurseries. Just be sure to ask one of their master gardeners how to care for it, depending on what region you're in you might be able to set and forget (like where I'm at) or you might have to give daily care and/or special lights etc (like where I grew up).

Hibiscus and lime is phenomenal! If I'm feeling particularly like treating myself, I'll put in 1 whole stevia leaf per pitcher.

@, thank you

When I first started this thread, I was in a time of utter crisis and had no idea what, precisely, I needed other than the general list of guidelines I put in my first post. Now I'm still in a time of significant grief. Although Mrs. Smye and I have what appears to be a solid plan in place, I'm seeking a suitable therapist, she's continuing her work with hers and we're both reaching out for support while turning towards, rather than away from, each other, it's hard. It hurts. I'm mourning the loss of the marriage we had even in the midst of celebrating the marriage we have and the friendship we will continue to have. I'm thrilled, really and truly, that she's learning more about herself - I'm even excited at the potential of 1, 2, 3, or 10 years from now for both of us to be in relationships where we're entirely fulfilled while maintaining our friendship throughout. But I still cry myself to sleep and still find myself yearning to lean in for a kiss or to initiate lovemaking. In short, I know that this still hurts and that I still have a lot of work to do on and for myself. But I'm okay with never being 'over' the loss of our romantic marriage - I don't think one ever really, truly does get over it, nor am I convinced I even want to. But I know what I need from you all now, my bariatric family. What I need is, in many ways, what most of you have been doing already - I just need you to sit with me in my grief, to validate and honor my pain, to Celebrate with me when a day goes well or when we have a 'victory,' and to offer me virtual hugs when I ask for them or you simply think they're warranted. In short - I need a community to bear witness to my process, validate my experience, and remain present with me throughout. Thank you for all you've done and for all you do! I'll keep this forum updated regularly with what's happening, how everyone is doing with the changes, etc - writing this all down is a huge part of my own processing, so thank you for bearing witness.

@@drmeow, Thanks - and I appreciate your co-denial with me (as I mentioned on page 3 I think of this thread, your theory was one I hoped for) but realistically there's VERY little in the literature to support such a theory, it doesn't seem to be how latent human sexuality actually works - damn! But you're right on, we've got a great friendship and, I believe, will make it through this with a lot of joy alongside the inevitable (and appropriate) pain and grief. I'm working on holding both at the moment - I'm so excited for her to be embracing who she is and she's reported feeling elated to not feel any pressure to be romantic with me (from herself and from me), but I also sobbed while driving between district meetings this morning in grief over the loss of all my future plans for romantic evenings, dinners, ice skating, etc. What a weird mind-twister, let alone the heart. Thank you for your support! @@Rogofulm, right on! And let me tell you, right after disclosure, I absolutely though "I wish so badly I could just stuff my face right now and make a conscious decision to find comfort in food." But - though I know to remain vigilant and never feel 'safe' from food as comfort - as a result of my own process and identify shift through this process am in a place where I know that even in the moment of eating, I wouldn't actually feel any better - not to mention the awful physical pain of eating the junk. The issue I'm having isn't so much the temptation to take comfort in food, it's having to remember to eat at all. Just finished 2 oz of homemade goat Jerky though after reading your post - so thanks for the reminder. Eating enough and the right things is just as important as not eating too much or the wrong things. To everyone, thank you again for your support! I HIGHLY recommend you read the entire thread before posting yourself, I know how therapeutic this has been for me. I've received several PM's from folks about how your responses have helped them and/or given them grace for a loved one they didn't previously understand and even one from a person who is considering whether or not to come out to his/her partner him/her-self. And there's also the selfish reason I'd like you to read it all first - the few responses I've gotten that have felt more hateful towards Mrs. Smye and, despite the authors' intentions, hateful towards me and my choices as a result could, I think, have been prevented had the author had the entire up-to-date picture. I'll post this note back on the first post also.

@@Stevehud, thank you man. I've gotta say, when I got the message that "stevehud has replied to your post" I felt shocked that I hadn't already thought to just message you directly. Thank you for your constancy and support, whether it was preop, post op, or this whole business - you are a good friend and I value your insights and kindness to no end. @@toasty, Thank you! I will and I do. I appreciate all of the outpouring of 'you're not alone.' Especially when I realize I'm currently on cloud 9 and my next moment of grief and shame and utter despair is right around the corner. Thank you. Oh, and you're right on, my friendship is gold, it's completely priceless, but I do indeed need to be careful not to put it above or before my own wellbeing. Thank you.

@@butterfly23, thank you. Your support and feedback mean the world to me. Especially your feedback on my feedback and the genuine-ness (not sure of the right word) in your thoughts, they mean the world to me through this. @@bellabill, thank you for your candid thoughts coupled with a willingness to recognize the differences in our experiences. I'm so sorry for your loss, I can't imagine the pain of our experience will ever go away. I am so thankful, having read your story and others like it on the Straight Spouse Network to have the deep history and background with Mrs. Smye that I have - there were never lies, no hidden secrets, just a long delayed process that she was willing to share openly with me. As devastating as it still was/is, I cannot imagine having to play act after disclosure, not to mention having aspects of my partner I didn't like. I still love her and like her as my best friend, and genuinely believe I always will. I feel so lucky as to be struggling at the moment with something akin to 'survivor's guilt' in all of this. I'm not sure if you've read everything I've posted so far, but I recommend you do, it helps build a better picture and writing it all in real time has been therapeutic as hell for me