loopylou

I adore you guys :cheeky :laugh thanks for all of you thoughts and suggestions. Jack, I really think you are on to something with the chopping wood thing - I have recently been reading lots about japanese therapy and it runs along similar lines. Check out : www.todoinstitue.com And Jaqui I am trying to do something similar, see healthy food as a gift I can give myself and make it beautiful and fulfilling.

Ok, I am having some issues. Now this is the deep down horrible and ugly truth here and I am not proud of it. 1. I realise that I have a deep dislike of anyone who counts calories/fat grams/carbs or works towards losing weight. I see them as vain, superficial and assume they must think I am disgusting. I see them as mean and stingey, cold and rigid. I feel like a failure in their presence. However I adore people who eat voluptuously. Those who throw caution to the wind and indulge in that second piece of cheesecake. To me these people seem alive and human, warm, sensual and delightful. Now of course my dilemma is this : with this (stooopid) attitude how am I ever going to become the sort of person who watches what they eat and works towards losing weight??? Obviously I must change these views but how?? 2. I realise that 'naughty' food gives me joy. It makes me loved and accepted and its like I am giving myself a little - 'you're OK my sweet' everytime I put something 'bad' in my mouth. And the reverse is true also; I see eating lettuce and fruit and vegetables as admitting defeat as though I am saying to myself 'you are bad and dont deserve any better!!'. I know these messages came from my smother and my childhood but how do I get rid of them?? Again the dilemma is how on earth am I to lose weight with this attitude?? Eating 'rabbit food' hurts my heart. How can I re-teach my heart that healthy foods are messages of love not rejection?? Or, should foods come with messages at all?? Should I, rather, try to take any emotion out of food - and return it to the level of the mundane where it probably should be? And what could I use to replace my 'you're OK' messages to myself?? I think if I try to go cold turkey on that one I will find it very difficult. I have had over 30 years of conditioning myself to believe 'bad food = accceptance' and 'healthy food = rejection' - how on earth to I go about changing these messages?? Any thoughts or comments are welcome....

Thanks guys, I have been thining about this since I wrote it and I am thinking of some nice associations I can make, for example.... Fruit is sunshine. Lean Protein is strength. Healthy food is energy. Water is a beautiful life-giving oasis. Veggies are sparkling eyes and glowing skin. Sugar is tiredness. Salt is bloated heaviness. Fat is oily skin and lumpy bits. White carbs are glugginess and a foggy head. Chemicals are poison. People who live healthfully are: energetic light smiling glowing beautiful People who live unhealthfully are: tired and sluggish heavy sad dull sickly I am going to get a couple of scrap books and combine picture together to reflect this and look at it everyday; I might also write myself some affirmations along the same lines.

Hi 'Larla!!! So glad you are back, we need you to poke and prod our minds and keep us thinking!! Things are ok with me, works still crappy but I had an hour long chat with my boss's boss yesterday so hopefully that will help - at the very least it got things off my chest. My surgeon is still giving me the run around - so still no fill for me - but I now have a great GP who has gone into bat for me and is working hard to help me sort out all my health problems. So all in all things are going quite well. Have you kept up with the Jessica O story - bleeding heck!! - what a way to make you realise how important your health and family are! Take care of your self, Hugs, Loulou (who is no longer so blaize or lazy with her health issues)

I want a TT, bat-wing removal, booby reduction/lift, brow lift (and removal of a scar I have had since I was 2), spider vein removal and something to tidy up all the fat/skin junk that is hiding, what I am sure is, a glorious jaw line. Anyone got a lazy $25,000 handy???

I was wondering about this too. I decided to have the band first, because I didn't want to be really uncomfortable during the pregnancy. I mentioned something about waiting 18mths to 2 years to my surgeon and he said "don't wait that long, start now"!! I have decided to compromise and wait 9-12mths before I want to start trying. My Hubby is approaching 40 and I am 31 so time is starting to become an issue for us too. I would say go the band first and then think about babies, but I was lucky, living in Australia, I decided I wanted the band and 6 weeks later I had it. But, of course, you must do what is right for you. Good Luck whatever you decide

I lost an initial 12 or so pounds after sugery on the hellish liquid/mush phase. I have not been able to have a fill (see my recent post for details) and I had my surgery on the 1st of August! I have now put back on every single one of those pounds, and I am back at my starting weight. I have almost no restriction, I can nearly eat an entire pizza like I used to do. And I have never pb'd. If I could follow diet rules you can be certain I would have done so rather than have the band, but I cannot. I will never diet again. But I still have hope that my band will (eventually) be able to help me to eat like a normal person.

I am sooooo angry!!! My surgeon is blackmailing me. :think :bored :angry :cry :mad: :think Many of you know that I have been waiting 3 mths now for my first fill; because of complications with my surgery (blood clots in my lungs) and the blood thinning medication I have to take because of that. Well, I had an appointment for the 7th of November to have my fill - and I was really excited about it and wanted to make sure everything was OK to go ahead. So I tried to contact my surgeon to ask him how long I had to be off the medication before he would be prepared to do the fill. (Previously, while I was in hospital, he said I had to be on the pills for 3 mths then come completely off them before he would do the fill, and that he didn't care if I had the recommended lung scan or not.) But when my three months are finally up: he is on holidays, off sick or too busy to talk to me. At first I didn't think anything of this. I went to see the pharmacist instead and asked him how to come of the medication, and he said 'dont do it!!!' and then I said 'But my surgeon said I could come off it after 3 mths, but now I cant contact him!' and then he said "I suspect he is giving you the run around because he doesn't want to be the one to tell you to come off the medication and then get sued!!!!!" and I said "HUH??? WHAT???!?" And then I thought .......'hmmm his receptionist was acting a little funny on the phone, .....he wasn't too busy to send me that bill ..... he only had to answer me with one sentence ....holy crap maybe this guy is right'. Now, the more I think about it the more I think he's right, my surgeon IS giving me the run around. I left several messages asking him to let me know - via his receptionist - how long he wanted me off the pills, and she has always got back to me very promptly before, but it has been over 2 weeks now. Why couldn't he just say that he changed his mind and he wanted me to have the lung scan, instead of ignoring me - emotionally and 'bandally' blackmailing me into getting another doctor to OK me coming off the medication!!! But the thing that really makes me mad is that I am 18hrs drive from the nearest capital city and, therefore, cannot go to another doctor. So now I have too wait to see my GP (2 weeks wait) then fly to Perth and get the silly lung scan that I dont even want - before my surgeon (who I no longer trust nor want looking after me) will even talk to me, and my first fill will have to wait another month (at least) as he only comes to town once a month!!! I am angry, I am fed-up and I am back to my pre-surgery weight!!! I hate it! I hate my doctor and I want my fill!!!! Basically he is going back on what he said, and making some other doctor do his dirty work and I have to comply or I can't have a working band... :think :bored :angry :cry :mad: :think

Thanks for your advice guys. As for your questions: I am taking warfarin and my GP was supposed to be watching my INR levels, but she has left town and hand-balled me to someone else. My INR was supposed to stay between 2.5 and 3.0 but has mostly been around 1.8-2.2, but my new GP had me taking a higher dose and dealing with it more aggressively so my last test was 2.4. I will have another test next week. My surgeon said he would not do the fill because there was a risk I could bleed alot and get an infected port and have to have it removed. Also he has no plan for me - he also hand-balled me to another doctor - who said I needed to have the lung scan. This other doctor did arrange for a leg scan thing for me which came up clear. I guess I just figured that they were small clots and everything would work itself out. But I feel like I have got that many doctors (supposedly) looking after me that no-one of them is willing to really take responsibilty for my care. I feel really angry and disappointed by this.

I used to work in a pub called "The Fox and Firkin" - I messed up a drink order once and it turned out to be really yummy - so they called it a 'Firk-up' and charged $8 a glass!!! lol But licks for you Crystal!! Well done sexy!! :lick :lick :lick

OHHHHHHHhhhh!! BLOODY HELL!!! Scared me to death!!! And DH too!!!

I am on Lexapro after being on Lovan for the past 5 years - I have gained 10kgs (about 22 pounds) for every year I have been on anti-depressants. I have no metabolism, - I went from sleeping lots, and living on the couch, to working almost full time (on my feet all day) and I have not lost any weight - I think something is wrong!! I tried Effexor once and it seemed to be great, but I couldn't handle the night-sweats and restless legs it gave me.

Yah for Kellie!!!! Well done you lovely thing!!! Licks for you!!!! :lick :lick :lick

1. What is your name? Kim 2. What color shirt are you wearing? Aqua 3. What are you listening to right now? DH saying 'who's asking questions?' 4. What was the last thing you ate? Liverwurst on toast. 5. Do you wish on stars? Yes. 6. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Bright Orange. 7. How is the weather right now? sunny, hot - over 100. 8. Last person you spoke to on the phone? DH telling him I was going out with the girls for drinks. 9. Favorite Sport? Rugby League - watching only!!. 10. Favorite drink? Green Iced Tea mixed with soda water. 11. Hair color? Dark Blonde (natural) with light blonde bits on top (not so natural) 12. Eye color? Greeny grayey browney mess. 13. Siblings? 1 younger brother. 14. Favorite month? June. 15. Favorite food? Japanese. 16. What was the last movie you saw? Crash. 17. Favorite day of the year? New Years Eve. 18. What do you do to vent anger? Cry. 19. What was your favorite toy as a child? Barbie dolls. 20. Summer or winter? Winter. 21. Hugs or Kisses? Both. 22. Favorite ice cream flavor? Hazelnut and Coffee Gelati from Paesano's Cafe - Adelaide. 23. Restaurants or home cooking? Restaurants. 24. Will everyone care enough to respond? Looks like it. 25. When was the last time you cried? When my DH hurt my feelings. 26. What is under your bed? Love spell. 27. How long have you been a member of Lapband Talk? 3 months. 28. What did you do last night? Went out with the girls then watched 'Crash' with DH. 29. What are you afraid of? Not really existing. 30. Favorite car? I never know what they are called - something cute. 31. Favorite flower? Tulips. 32. How many keys on your ring? 6. 33. How long have you been at your current job? 2 months. 34. Favorite day of the week? Sunday. 35. What did you do on your birthday? Went out to dinner. 36. How many states have you lived in? 5 (there are only 8 states/territories here!!!) 37.How many cities/towns have you lived in? 7 38. What is your favorite form of exercise? Really good dancey aerobics. 39.Your favorite store for bargains? My Size - end of season. 40. Wasn't this fun? Yes.

I think Pepsi Max has high caffiene levels - thats the flavour part! Pepsi is nowhere near as big here as it is in the States - so I think they sell the Max to get in all those people addicted to the caffeine in Diet Coke. That's my theory anyway. It certainly has more caffeine than normal diet pepsi.

Thanks Jess. I have been thinking that I will need to start saving up for some of this, and having someone ahead of me on this journey, and in Australia, is great. Thanks for sharing, be sure to keep us posted. Congratulations too - your weight loss figures are wonderful - I am 5'7 and 120kgs - so its great to watch your progress.

My aunt is a dentist CaliQueen and she told me that soda can cause enamel erosion on your teeth, but even worse is drinking lots of wine or orange juice. Its the acid in the drinks not the carbonation though, according to her.

In Australia we dont have the 'no carbonation' rule. But I agree that diet drinks are poison and the regular (while preferable to diet) is also full of 'who-knows-what'. What I really like doing is having juices with soda water. Cranberry is great, but my current favourite is Iced green tea (full sugar) and soda water - the soda water dilutes the sugar but I still get a nice drink. And I have recently discovered a company that makes 'sodas' that are purely juice and carbonated water - they even have a cola one that tastes like coke but is really apple juice!! Its called 'Fuze' and they have all different flavours but - no added sugar, no artificial flavours, no artificial sweetners and most of them (not the cola one unfortunately) are low GI also!! I would be very interested in any medical studies re: 'carbonation and the band', but I suspect they just dont want us to have it, not that it hurts the band.

I am sure it is terribly unfashionable but I am having a existential crisis!! I know I have depression and that can make me contemplate my, rather ample, navel more that is healthy. But at the moment I just dont get it. What is the point of it all?? Why are we here? Is life just all this superficial bulldust they show on tv or something more? And, if it is something more, how do I know which something it is? All I seem to know is what it is not about... Life is not about (in my experience): * pleasure * beauty * family * god * goddess * love * learning * discipline * sex * money * self-awareness * karma * success So what is it? I feel like I am doing all I can to make it through the day. I am highly medicated and have a supportive husband, but I am not 'living', I am not even 'existing' which seems a rather passive term, but I am clawing and screaming just to make it to the end of the day alive and I find that, all too soon, I wake up only to have to face it all over again. I dont understand it, any of it, why does life hurt so much and how on earth can I learn how to live, when living holds no joy for me. Well, at least no joy that is beyond the fleeting variety. I know I am searching for meaning - but I am finding nothingness.

What's funny is that I do think of myself as a positive person. I always look for the good in things, and in people - even my crappy boss. I am thinking positive.... I am looking for answers, looking for life, looking for a reason to keep fighting. You're right Kathy, I dont have the right to not live - however I am doing it (or rather not doing it) anyway. I guess that your question about 'why is it so unsafe to live?' is the really important thing. I am frightened of my power to have an impact on the world. I feel that I have too much power to cause harm. I think that by avoiding life, I am avoiding guilt, shame and fear. Intellectually I know that there is nothing special (or especially bad) about me that could make me this dangerous, but it seems to be what my emotions experience. Its not so much life that is unsafe - but me that is unsafe, dangerous and too powerful. Gawd, how narcissistic that is!! But it is like this Marianne Williamson quote: " 'Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.' We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing Enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we subconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we're liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." -- From A RETURN TO LOVE I adore this quote, I just dont know how to realise it in my life.

The problem, as I see it, with my life is that I never make anything happen, I am so passive I might as well not exist. I dont mean that I let people walk over me, or that I dont voice my opinions but its more like.... I am afraid to act. I took this job because it fell in my lap - not because I went after it, I went to Uni because it was expected and did 'whatever seemed mildly interesting'. Life is what happens around me, happens too me, but I dont (won't?) create my own life. Why?? I have tried to explain it like ... I am afraid of Fate, I am afraid that if I act, if I do something, anything, that the consequences will be bad and I will only have myself to blame. But if I just let life happen to me I cant be held accountable for whatever happens - good or bad. I think this is about my Mother (or, sMother as I like to call her). sMother cant get jealous of my success if it just 'falls in my lap' and sMother can't clean up my mistakes and take over my life, if I dont have one. Perhaps it is my ultimately revenge on sMother - if I live 'well' she gets to play the matyr, if I live 'poorly' she gets to play the rescuer, but if I refuse to live at all, she gets nothing. I have no life but at least the space that exists, where my life should be, is mine. Sometimes I confuse my hubby with my sMother and try to run away from him too, he tries to get me to live, which to me simply feels like another person trying to smother or control me. This is what I want to run from. I want to find a place where it is 'safe' for me to live, to exist.

Thanks so much guys! As always your wisdom is inspiring. I have been in therapy a long time - and I actually think it is time to stop analysing my life and start having one. I have been working hard on getting better but what I really need, I feel, is something to fight for. At the moment my independence is really important to me. I have just started a new job and I have not worked in 5 years. But I do want to run away. I want to get a job transfer to the other side of the country, leave my supportive husband (who is also my best friend) and run away to where no one can find me and start over. I feel like I have no self. I am so wishy-washy and constantly in flux. I change depending on who is around me and nothing about me today seems the same as yesterday. I feel like my soul is scattered to the 4 winds and I am trying to hold myself together before I turn to nothingness, but the effort is killing me. have you ever heard that saying "Stop the world, I want to get off!" - this is me right now. Everything about life seems scary, except for the idea of a fresh start which is me just running away and hoping my problems dont follow - but I know that leaving is the easy part, staying and dealing with my 'stuff' is the challenge. But again I find myself asking, 'what am I fighting for?' why not let myself go, let myself scatter to the winds? I have been a 'born again christian' and it really did help me feel like I had a sense of purpose, but it was somebody elses purpose, not mine. I so respect other peoples beliefs - I could go so far to say I am jealous of them. I believe that we are born innocent, I believe life doesn't end when we die, I believe in the power of forgiveness, I believe in nature and beauty - I just dont think they believe in me!! I dont just see nothingness around me, I am nothingness.

I dont follow any rules .... just trying to think if I have kept any of them..... I dont chew gum ...but thats only 'cause I hate, it not 'cause I am being good. Bring on my first fill!!!!

Welcome Therese!! I am in rural Oz too. In Karratha W.A. - Welcome to LBT - fabulous to have another aussie sister aboard. Congrats on your wonderful weight loss!!

I was a small baby and healthy toddler, but started putting on weight after my parents took away my dummy (pacifier - I had it until I was 4!!) and I was sexually abused (also at 4 yrs old). So I guess 1979 was a bad year for me, because after that I have never been in the 'healthy weight range'. I have literally pacified myself to being morbidly obese. But now it is time to find new ways to calm myself.