patrice1

Hi Friends. I am new to the site, and have been approved by Kaiser for weight loss surgery. I have a meeting this week to decide which path I want to pursue. I live in the Denver area, and the only options shown are Lapband or RNY. Of those two, of course I will choose RNY. However, I have researched DS (Duodenal Switch) and I see the benefits of it and now am not sure which way to go. The only problem is, Kaiser does not offer DS here in Colorado. I have heard if you pressure them you have a chance to get that approved under certain circumstances. I have 120 pounds to lose (I am 5'7" tall and 280 pounds). Currently, Kaiser approves DS only if you are above 50 BMI. (I have a BMI of 42-44). But I have heard of exceptions to that, if someone is willing to pay to fly to another Kaiser region to have an in-network surgeon perform DS.

In short, DS seems like a better long-term solution, but I know it is more extreme than the RNY. RNY is great, but requires a person to use the tool well, and change one's lifestyle drastically to ensure its success. I get that and am motivated to do that. I just get scared when I hear of people who went through the RNY only to get back right where they started after the first year. I have a sluggish metabolism and a tendency to regain after diet success anyway, so this is of concern. I want to take responsibility for my life and choices, of course. But if I am going under the knife, I want the best solution available, and I have heard that DS offers a better long-term success percentage (not sure if this is true for everyone, but just saying what I have read).

So here's my question - any thoughts out there as to why you chose one or the other? I am truly not sure which path to go. Any advice or simply sharing your experience with me would be so helpful! Thank you

I have been approved for the surgery but have just begun the entire process that leads up to getting an actual date. Therefore, I have a bit of time to wait as I jump through the hoops. The reason I am posting here is that I have been a slow loser in the past, although I am a serial dieter and have had success (only to gain it back and then some cycle so many are familiar with), and I think I may be a slow lower after surgery but there is no way of knowing that. So, I just want to say thank you to everyone here for sharing your stories. It helps a "newbie" like me be prepared for whatever may happen!

All the best,

Patrice

<p>Patrice, I'm glad to know that you are able to get some support from my posts - just as I did from yours. It's interesting what you said about <em>It would upset me, though, if I were in the same place - that my sibling wouldn't be supportive of my success in losing weight!</em> Because initially, when I was home recovering, I was facing some issues with nausea and dehydration and during that time, he was very supportive. He texted me every day or called to see how I was and listened to me complain and carry on. It has only been since I have recovered and have been sharing photos of my weight loss that he started to become a little antagonistic. He initially advised me that I shouldn't make the trip for Thanksgiving because I would be too tired from the surgery. I wasn't tired at all, I was just trying to figure out how to manage my food while on the road, how much vacation time to take and where to stay with my 2 dogs (because he didn't want us at his house). I actually called him back and asked if he was hesitant to see me and he said no, not at all. After I told him I had made pet-friendly motel reservations and arranged to work remote from my mom's for a few days, he called me back the next week and said "So, did you decide not to come after all?" Not "I just wanted to make sure you were still coming up..." Once there, he started encouraging me to leave a day early because the trip home was so long. So yeah, there's definately something about my weight loss that is making him uncomfortable, but I can't and don't want to change my new healthy life. I hope that even if he can't address his obesity, he at least comes to feel more comfortable with my new size because I am still the same person on the inside.</p>

Wow-- He is definitely acting out toward you ... It's too bad, though, because he is missing out. Your sentence about your being the same person inside is so true....it just makes me see all the dysfunctional thinking that goes on with a food addiction. He would rather shut out the sister he loves and who loves him rather than deal with what's going on inside himself when faced with your weight loss..... I am glad you aren't letting it affect your new healthy life. It has to hurt a bit though! Love how strong you are being. I can't wait to have the surgery and get started myself. My insurance is covering this and I am very grateful. I know I will still have to work it, but there's just this deep sense of knowing I am on the right path. It's so good to feel that peace. Blessings to you too.

Speaking as someone who just made the choice to get bariatric surgery two weeks ago, I could relate to the post about how even well-meaning people--even those who love us the most--can say things about our weight that trigger binges and more self-loathing, and deeper in the trenches. However, this is not to blame those who want to help (and who are often desperately worried about us) for our behavior.

Rather, it is to make the point that we truly are not ready until we are ready, and whatever point that occurs is different for all of us. If he knows you love and accept him where he is at, although you are concerned for him, this keeps the door open until he is ready. While I can't know this for sure, perhaps he is more concerned for you than his outward behavior may suggest (will I trigger her because I am continuing to eat the way I do). And/or, he may also be triggered by your success in spotlighting what he feels he can never do: which is to lose weight, which in turn may stir up the very familiar self-loathing and despair cycle I know I am very familiar with.

So the point is, you keep doing what you need to do for you! You are still the #1 priority in your own life, no matter how much you love him. And with that, just let him know that you are there for him regardless. That will give him the courage (perhaps) to be vulnerable one day and reach out to you when he hits bottom and wants to change his situation.

I know it must be hard not to be defensive when you feel someone is rejecting you - whether or not that is true, or doesn't seem to support what you are doing to make your life better. But at heart, he is probably not rejecting you so much as he is simply afraid he can never do what you did. Your success puts an even brighter spotlight on him that he has not changed his situation, whereas you did. At the end of the day, your choice to get better, while loving him unconditionally will do its best work.

I can attest that all the talking in the world only made me feel worse about myself. I had tried everything and failed so many times I simply gave up. But there came a time when I was desperate enough to finally elect surgery. (And was just approved for it two weeks ago by my doctor to begin the process).

Congratulations on your weight loss and your love for your brother. That's fantastic and truly "leads the way." Leading quietly by example is more powerful than mere words can ever be. It also keeps us humble when we realize how fragile our hold on health is, and how much we continually need grace to succeed. I respect you a lot for doing what you've done, and all my best to you and your brother!

First of all, congratulations on your decision and approval to have WLS. You are taking courageous steps to have a healthy, new life. You have great insight into the disease of obesity and this will be invaluable to you in your recovery and success.

I believe you are correct that seeing my success is triggering an uncomfortable feeling for him about his own obesity. He’s a very competitive person and it has to bother him to see his “kid sister” succeed as something he hasn’t begun to tackle. He had success with a medically supervised liquid diet about 12 years ago. Once he gained the weight back, he more or less went into denial about the disease. He was critical of my mother’s weight, her lack of physical activity but could not see that he was in the same situation.

I tackled my obesity differently. For me, it was like when Carrie Underwood sings about “tryin’ to spin the world the other way.” I had good luck with weight loss programs, behavioral changes and regular exercise. I tried and tried and tried, but when the weight return again after a particularly stressful period in my life, I decided I needed to explore surgery, that I had exhausted all other options and that I myself was exhausted from trying so hard to change something I could not change, my morbidly obese BMI.

Despite my own success, I told my mom that I would never “tell” someone to have WLS . You are correct that the patient is only ready when they are ready. I was lucky. I had insurance, support from my children and friends and co-workers and a world-class medical team in nearby Boston. I was still in good health and had already incorporated many of the lifestyle changes that are required of patients. It was still a really difficult decision to make. I was truly, truly blessed with the opportunity for WLS that every obese patient should have available to them. I just pray that my brother will realize the same opportunity before it is too late.

Hi Idairene - Thank you for your encouragement and sharing your struggle and success with me. It is inspiring, for sure. I get the sibling rivalry thing. In fact, after seeing your post and some of the other posts here, I will be on the lookout for that kind of thing with my own. It's possible. In fact, I am guessing it can happen with girlfriends too.

Like you, I was successful at exercise and weight loss before. But the regain always happened, and it included "and then some" to go with it. It was a very tough decision to finally accept surgery as the treatment option I needed. In fact, it was the "regain" issue - that only 5% of obese people actually keep the weight off that made me decide to move forward. Now, I am glad I am. Still, the encouragement makes a lot of difference and I thank you for that.

I hope that your brother will come around, for his sake. But if he doesn't, I am glad that you are not going to let that bring you down. It would upset me, though, if I were in the same place - that my sibling wouldn't be supportive of my success in losing weight! You deserve a lot of credit and I hope he can give that to you. You prolonged your life by doing what you did. If someone had cancer or some other kind of illness, who would be jealous? Well, obesity is on the same continuum of disease.

I will keep looking for your posts. It's good to have some wisdom along the way!

All the best,

Patrice

Speaking as someone who just made the choice to get bariatric surgery two weeks ago, I could relate to the post about how even well-meaning people--even those who love us the most--can say things about our weight that trigger binges and more self-loathing, and deeper in the trenches. However, this is not to blame those who want to help (and who are often desperately worried about us) for our behavior.

Rather, it is to make the point that we truly are not ready until we are ready, and whatever point that occurs is different for all of us. If he knows you love and accept him where he is at, although you are concerned for him, this keeps the door open until he is ready. While I can't know this for sure, perhaps he is more concerned for you than his outward behavior may suggest (will I trigger her because I am continuing to eat the way I do). And/or, he may also be triggered by your success in spotlighting what he feels he can never do: which is to lose weight, which in turn may stir up the very familiar self-loathing and despair cycle I know I am very familiar with.

So the point is, you keep doing what you need to do for you! You are still the #1 priority in your own life, no matter how much you love him. And with that, just let him know that you are there for him regardless. That will give him the courage (perhaps) to be vulnerable one day and reach out to you when he hits bottom and wants to change his situation.

I know it must be hard not to be defensive when you feel someone is rejecting you - whether or not that is true, or doesn't seem to support what you are doing to make your life better. But at heart, he is probably not rejecting you so much as he is simply afraid he can never do what you did. Your success puts an even brighter spotlight on him that he has not changed his situation, whereas you did. At the end of the day, your choice to get better, while loving him unconditionally will do its best work.

I can attest that all the talking in the world only made me feel worse about myself. I had tried everything and failed so many times I simply gave up. But there came a time when I was desperate enough to finally elect surgery. (And was just approved for it two weeks ago by my doctor to begin the process).

Congratulations on your weight loss and your love for your brother. That's fantastic and truly "leads the way." Leading quietly by example is more powerful than mere words can ever be. It also keeps us humble when we realize how fragile our hold on health is, and how much we continually need grace to succeed. I respect you a lot for doing what you've done, and all my best to you and your brother!