KittyChick

I appreciate everyone's advice and thoughtful responses. I spent some time with my friend the day AFTER I posted this and we had a great time together. Her birthday was last week, so I brought her a gift and we laughed and talked with comfort and ease. It was really nice. I didn't want to ruin it by bringing up my "suspicions" so I didn't.

However, this little meet up happened at her place and not in public which probably helped the dynamic. Instead of the parties & happy hours we used to frequent (which are full of men), maybe more private environments are best for our relationship right now. All we can do is wait & see I guess. I'm hopeful we can get our friendship back to where it was though.

Exactly ... friends should support and encourage each other not compete or feel threatened by the other that's just pure unadulterated selfishness it's all about them when that dynamic changes as u said u were both ignored and now that has changed and she now must face her own self and the possible reasons men aren't speaking to her it certainly isn't your fault and u deserve to be as happy as anyone else and find a guy if that is what you want someone who tries to make u feel guilty or somehow at fault is not worth your time or energy if u are emotional they likely will use that against u and u will end up feeling sorry for them and apologizing when you've done nothing wrong and the cycle will just continue been there done that if someone can't be supportive and happy for you that u have gotten to a better place in life gotten healthier etc well they will likely just drag u down u don't need that

Very true and I appreciate your feedback. I shouldn't be the one feeling "bad" or guilty.

I think what adds insult to injury is the fact that she has been actively looking for a boyfriend for as long as I've known her. She hasn't had a relationship in a long time and is a serial online dater. When we first met, I was in a 2yr relationship with a guy but broke it off. Since my surgery a year and a half ago I have not dated. The gym is my boyfriend.

And despite all the attention from men, I'm not looking to date. I'm ferociously, shamelessly working on ME. So, I'm not doing any online dating or actively trying to meet ANY men. And while I will chat with guys when we're out, I usually reject any advances to date or get serious. It's very possible that men throwing themselves at me and me rejecting them is an annoyance to her. Here she is actively looking but can't find a guy while I'm actively NOT looking and they're giving me all the (unwanted) attention.

Although I know you're hurting from your friends attitude towards you and your weight loss ( Congratulations by the way !) , from your story Im sensing this is not so much about what YOU'VE accomplished, but more of what she HASN'T !!!! Her statement about men not paying as much attention to her as they do you speaks volumes about her own insecurities. She wants what you have, and isn't getting it, so instead of having you around as that constant reminder she's pushing you away so that she can breathe and not have to deal with it. Sad but true. You both may be average sized , but she has no light shining from within, you however, do. Sorry for your lost friendship, but not sorry for the new person you've become . You worked hard to become her , you should be very proud of you !!!

What a nice thing to say. Thank you for the kind words. I really AM proud of me. That's what makes this so hard. I want her to be proud too. I don't want to compete with her....or ANY women. That's not who I am fundamentally. I didn't *think* that's who she was either but I guess we don't always know people the way we think we do.

I didn't lose my friend due to weight loss, I lost her because she doesn't want me to lose the weight. Her self-image and ego have always been fed by the fact that she has always been considered the "pretty one" and has even self-proclaimed this on one occasion where I now regret not ending the friendship and saving myself from her huge ego then. Recently, upon learning of my plans for surgery, she actually stated very clearly that she "doesn't think we can be friends if I am thinner and prettier than her." A 30 year friendship down the drain because I've just realized I've ignored for a very long time that she is extremely shallow. Not all women are this way. Only shallow, inconsiderate, narcissistic people (both men & women) are like this. This is occasionally the same reaction you would get from jealous, self-loathing, needy people. Both types are not good friends.

I have come to terms with the loss of the old me. The old me is not this brave and strong. I have just begun my journey but I am determined to lose the weight that has dragged me down for years and I intend to lose all of the bad friends who dragged me down too.

I keep reminding myself that "Surrounding yourself with positive, supportive and kind people is also a healthy habit." And this whole journey to finding the new me is all about creating and maintaining healthy habits for the rest of my life.

Oh...and one last thing...take her comment and cold shoulder as a compliment. You are now the "pretty one" and that's not such a bad thing either.

Wow, how terrible that your "friend" is so invested in getting her ego boosts from being "prettier" than you. What a sad, shallow existence. I hate stories like this. You don't deserve that. You're absolutely right that surrounding yourself with positive people is a healthy habit...the same way eating well and exercising is.

I honestly don't take any comfort in being "the pretty one" now. I just want my friend back. I now have to come to terms with the fact that this relationship will likely always be fractured as long as I'm fit. It's a horrible feeling because I am so much happier with myself and so much more satisfied with life. I want to share that joy. I have worked SO hard for this and made so many sacrifices to lose this weight. I want the people I care about to be just as thrilled as I am.

I wouldn't bother confronting her save your energy for getting fit and healthy seems like she is viewing you as competition perhaps she hadn't before your weight loss from her rather sharp comments about why guys aren't talking to her it's clear there's some resentment or jealousy there it's not your job to take abuse and nasty attitude from her if social outings don't go her way perhaps it's more than just your weight loss that is attracting men to you maybe it's a new confidence or openness that she isn't giving off this is not a true friend cutting u out speaks volumes clearly she doesn't want to compete with you

This is what I'm leaning toward- not confronting her or saying anything at all. I'm an emotional person who can cry at the drop of a hat and I kinda don't trust myself to keep my cool. I am *so* uncompetitive with other women that it's hard for me to believe that she possibly sees me as some kind of threat. When she asked "why aren't men talking to ME?" I was flabbergasted and immediately felt guilty for getting attention.

When I was big, we would go out and both be pretty much ignored by men TOGETHER. Maybe that helped endear me to her at the beginning? I think that since this isn't the case anymore she feels isolated or invisible. I feel tremendous compassion for her over that. But I haven't become any less of a good friend to her. And I can't go back to being 285lbs so she feels better about herself.

Has anyone experienced a good friend distancing themselves from you after your weight loss?

A little background- I consider myself a feminist and most definitely a "girl's girl". My relationships with women have enriched my life more than anything else and I deeply value my friendships. I don't want this thread polluted with "women are catty b****es" messages please, because I do NOT believe that stereotype to be true and I think it's simplistic and degrading. The vast majority of my lady friends have been supportive of my 107lb weight loss. And ALL of them (except one) are thin/normal weight.

​HOWEVER, the person I considered my "best" friend seems to be shutting me out of her life and it is incredibly painful and not at all something I anticipated. This is a normal size friend. She's not plus sized and never has been. She's probably a size 8 or 10.

At the beginning of my WLS journey, she was uber supportive. However these last 6 months, as I've gotten under 200lbs finally, she's majorly distanced herself from me and begun to exclude me almost entirely from social events.

I've been hitting the gym very, very hard (3 cardio days and 3 weight training days a week) lately and although the scale hasn't moved a lot since the beginning of the year, I've lost a lot of inches and my face has shrunk a lot. Well consequently, when we go out now, I get a lot of attention from the opposite sex. Men buy me drinks, aggressively flirt with me, etc. None of it solicited, mind you...and nothing I think I'll ever get used to either.

One night about 5 months ago, we were leaving happy hour (after I exchanged numbers with a guy who was chatting me up) and she said to me "Why don't men ever talk to me?" in a super hostile, accusatory tone of voice. I didn't know what to say... so I kinda brushed it off and changed the subject.

Well ever since then, I barely see her. We used to spend every weekend doing something social and now, via Facebook, I see that she is having the adventures WE used to share with others- without so much as an invite to me. It hurts a lot. I've racked my brain trying to think of what else could be driving this but I can't think of anything. I've asked my other friends (casually) if they think I've "changed" and they're effusive with praise about my progress and the state of our friendships. They insist I'm still the same, just happier and more fit. They're proud of me and say it all the time- which makes her shunning of me that much more profound & conspicuous.

Has this happened to anyone else? How did you handle it? I've only been best friends with this woman since she moved here two years ago so it's not like I've known her since childhood or anything but we were really, really close when I was fat. This hurts my heart, but it has seriously pissed me the hell off too. Sometimes I want to confront her angrily and other times I just want to say "eff it" and focus on all my supportive friends....I don't know what to do. Advice?

Hi again y'all!

Hit my one year surgi-versary on Wednesday & I'm now down 100lbs! Feels surreal. This hasn't been easy but I'm thrilled with my progress thus far.

@@KittyChick, even given a laparascopic procedure a month prior (let alone 9 months) they only cut you open if it fails with the scope - which really doesn't happen. They haven't been cutting people open for gallbladder removal in for 20+ years. It sucks and I know you're pissed about it.

Just know this, doctors have to have a reason to remove a healthy organ. If you had no evidence of gall disease and it was removed, your insurance company might have an issue with it. Once it is removed, it's sent to the pathology lab where it is checked for a multitude of things.

That pathology report gets sent to your doctor and the findings of gall stones etc, become part of your chart and plays a role in how your insurance gets billed. They do have to have a reason to take it out, even given all of the evidence that WLS patients tend to get gall disease. Who knows, times will likely change and it may become a standard practice. Good luck to you!

@@BitterSweet* - The insurance thing definitely makes sense! BUT I self-paid at a doctor in Mexico who isn't part of the ridiculous bureaucracy that permeates the US health system. But oh well, I guess the lesson is- you suffer either way- in the states AND out.

@@Koofka I'm glad you're ok.

Scary post though because I think this is what's happening to me right now. My insurance doesn't kick in until Oct 1st though so I am suffering through it until then. It's really upsetting.

Were both your sleeve and gallbladder surgery done laparoscopically?

I did not but boy do I wish I did! I started having issues six months out and got it removed about 3 months later after putting it off for so long. I had an attack that vicodin couldn't cure and sent me to the ER. I. Ended up with acute pancreatitis and could have died! If it's an option for you, I'd say go ahead and do it.

@Nicolanz- were both your sleeve and your gallbladder surgery done laparoscopically?

My doctor also does not remove them if they're free of stones which is a shame because I'm reading that people who lose weight quickly (especially surgery patients) are at huge, HUGE risk for gallstones. I read somewhere that 50% of weight loss surgery patients end up developing them!

My surgery was in January and I was fine until about two weeks ago. But I've started having hugely painful attacks- always after eating. I'm 99% sure it's gallstones and/or pancreatitis (byproduct of gallstones) because ALL of the symptoms I'm reading up on fit to a "T" what I've been experiencing.

It's excruciating. Upper abdominal pain, severe back pain, cold sweats, nausea, rapid heart rate...and it all hurts worse when trying to lie down.

Sadly, I'm uninsured until Oct 1st and can't get anything checked out until then. It's been awful and I'm upset at my surgeon for not being proactive & just taking the gallbladder out when my sleeve was done.

I am very afraid I'll have to have open surgery (much more pain & longer hospital stay/recovery) to remove the gallbladder because all my reading says sometimes Dr's don't want to do a second laparoscopic surgery on patients who've "recently" undergone one. My sleeve will be 9 months old at that point so I'm not really sure if that will exclude me from having another laparoscopic surgery or not, but I'm scared nonetheless.

Anyway @@readyforitnow, if I had it to do all over again, I would BEG my surgeon to take out my gallbladder. My advice is to do the same if you haven't had your surgery yet.

Best of luck.

Wow! Great topic. This was one of the issues I had to learn to deal with during my weight loss journey. When I was heavy, I found myself to be the one who everyone was friends with, the one who had great hair....but nothing more. Once the weight came off....boy was I thrown off guard.

It was hard for me to accept compliments. Especially when someone told me I looked good, or when the first time I was told I was skinny....(I had to learn to say thank you, as I was not use to receiving compliments).

Now for the men situation, this was a definite difficult phase. I had my guard up all the times, simply because I could not accept that for once there would be a man that found me attractive. But I can tell you this, as I lost the weight my confidence in doing more social activities changed. I found myself being a participant in life, versus being the window shopper.

There were a few moments that I specifically recall when I began to realize I just might be attractive to men....one was a time when I was shopping, a guy followed me around every isle I was in (mind you I was clothes shopping!). He even approached me and told me how nice I looked (personally that moment scared me a bit, the guy was a bit of a creeper...thank goodness I am prepared for the weirdos). And another time was when a guy working at my neighbors house made a comment...basically telling me that I was "hot"! For me being told that I was "hot", unless I had burned myself, I had never heard this before.

So bottom line, its all a process. You are finally becoming the person on the outside that you already are on the inside. Its going to be a gradual process. I did lose friends....and I had some negative comments...but overall It was a big learning process. I just started to live My real life, My new life....and learned to "try" and enjoy and accept these new compliments.

No real great advice...more of just how I muddled through all of the changes. What was personally great, was before I lost weight I truly never thought I would ever get married, I even told my dad that I was willing to settle for someone half as good as him just because I really figured I would be alone. In a way, I was preparing myself and my parents to not expect a wedding in their future and/or grandchildren. Well, after losing the weight I did meet my husband, later adopting his daughter too!

My life has changed tremendously! I had my surgery 10 yrs ago, so its been one heck of a journey too.

Wish you all the best and many successes to come!

@@CTRose1160

Aww congrats on your life accomplishments & marriage. What a wonderful story.

I agree about the compliments. It's hard to hear them because even though I've passed the halfway mark, I still feel like I have a LONG way to go & my body doesn't look anywhere near the way I want it to. Learning to say "thank you" instead of "OMG but I'm still SO FAT!" is tough.

And yeah...the men thing is confounding. Some of them are just so stinkin enthusiastic in their interactions with me...it's actually very grating sometimes. In my mind I'm saying "why the hell is this clown so damn cheery and cheesy?"

I find myself thinking... "is this what skinny cute girls have had to deal with their whole lives? YIKES!"

I can admit that sometimes I DO enjoy the increased attention. Other times though, it really does make me genuinely sad. This kind of enthusiasm & praise would have done me a lot of good when I was struggling at 285 lbs. Seeing a glimmer in a man's eye would have been REALLY nice back then.

Congratulations on your hard earned success! That's a great loss, and even better that you are working so hard in the gym. I have to agree with you about the superficial nature of people. It's sad, but very true. I have also found that people (strangers) are nicer to me, more willing to talk randomly in stores, and people I know are even more willing to sit next to me it meetings at work! It is truly mind boggling.

I always was very well dressed and groomed, so it's not like I should have seemed disgusting to anyone, yet the fat made me unappealing to the general population. I could never be sure when I was fat that I was experiencing that, but now that I'm thin, I know it truly was being judged for my weight.I have to say, I'm over it now. I just enjoy the conversation and attention. It's a shameful truth that fat discrimination is alive and well, but I can't change the past, and I can't change how people feel. The only thing I can do is make sure I never treat people that way, because I know what it was like.

@@MichiganChic

Thank you for the kind words. I also wasn't positive when I was fat(ter) that I was being treated shoddily because of my weight but yes, as I've lost it, I'm absolutely sure now.

And I was always seen as "high-maintenance"- even at my fattest I was very into make up, nail polish, and fashion. It's not like I was walking around in dirty sweat pants and a rag on my head back then! But still, the reactions/treatment from people is completely different. It's jarring.

I'm having an odd time adjusting to all the new found attention & "admiration" from strangers now that I've lost weight & was just wondering how everyone else is dealing with this mindf**k.

Reflecting back on 77 lbs ago, I really felt transparent. I feel so "visible" now.

I don't know how to put this into words without sounding like a narcissist- (trust me, I'm not) but people DO look now. Often for what seems like a prolonged amount of time. I'm more self aware than ever & definitely don't feel like I'm imagining this.

When I was fatter, I was mostly left alone. I *never* felt stared at. Men didn't chat me up randomly in public the way they do now. Their faces didn't light up when they looked at me.

I vacillate between pride & annoyance most days. Pride because I spend hours upon hours in the gym now & eat healthfully and I've worked HARD to get this weight off. Annoyance because of how superficial this world is...most of the people who lavish attention upon me now wouldn't have glanced my way 77 lbs ago. I was a beautiful person then. Or at least I feel like I was.

It's weird. I'm happy with who I'm becoming, but I mourn for the fat girl who was treated as disposable and unworthy by everyone else. She was beautiful, loving, generous, and kind and she deserved better.

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It's less than $50...I'm on my 2nd one now but the 1st lasted me 8 years. Best orgasms EVER. I've used it alone AND with a partner.

If you're unsure, Google some reviews of it to see how many women rave about it. It's available on Amazon. Feel free to thank me later.

Here's an update- I'm down 72lbs now & will Celebrate my 6 month "surgaversary" next week. I'm getting hardcore with lifting weights now so hopefully the inches will continue to dissipate.

I'd like to lose another 53lbs!

Kittychick, so have you tried eating what you are craving? I know some people have true physiological sugar and carb addictions so eating just a little will cause you to crave it even more. If this is you, I wouldn't recommend going there. Fortunately, this doesn't happen to me, so I can indulge in treats when I crave them. Like snowchick, a couple bites satisfy my craving and I move on. And this only happens 2-3 times/month. The rest of the time I'm totally on plan. So I guess if it doesn't sabotage you, I say indulge in a cupcake. I had 1/2 cupcake with buttercream frosting tonight at a birthday party and was thinking of you... Knew you would have enjoyed the other half.

@@Kindle - This has been suggested to me before and I've just been too afraid....feels like a "slippery slope". But the other part of me wants to see if I can take away it's power and prevail. Eat half the damn cupcake and MOVE ON.

I've made great health changes and I practically LIVE at the gym....I feel like maybe it's time to test my mettle!?

I have PCOS and weight loss was stalled/slow after about 3 weeks. I hear that's common though so I'm not directly correlating it to the PCOS. I work out like a maniac and it's gotten better now. I try to stay away from carbs.

I'm down 50lbs since surgery 1/21/14.

I did have to switch from a low dose birth control pill to a higher dose this month though due to irregular bleeding. I took BC continuously to avoid painful periods and hadn't bled in DECADES. Once I had surgery, my periods came back despite me taking the same birth control for over 10 years. My body just didn't give a eff & started doing it's own horrendous thing.

I'm glad some were able to take the "filthy liars" comment jokingly/sarcastically as I intended it.

I'm just annoyed at people insisting that because something worked for them, it will absolutely work for you also. Everyone's different! I'm tired of the "one size fits all" proselytizing. It can make you feel VERY inadequate when that "one size" doesn't fit you.

I didn't have surgery with the expectation it would diminish cravings. It's the healthy eating I've been told time and time again, that I hoped would diminish them. Sadly, that hasn't worked for me and thus, here I am posting about what a tough mental struggle this is. If you are lucky enough to not have cravings just from eating healthfully, yay you!

I just want others who are experiencing this to know they aren't alone. I eat healthfully and work out HARD with cardio & weights almost EVERY DAY and my cravings haven't budged in the five months I've been on this journey.

So many people insist that certain cravings go away if you abstain from something long enough but I haven't found that to be the case AT ALL and it's getting frustrating.

I have a major sweet tooth. Detoxed during pre-op in January, have stayed away from my vices (sweets & baked goods as well as LASAGNA/pasta) since but the cravings really haven't subsided as much as I've been led to believe.

I keep hoping a week will pass where I'm not fantasizing about cupcakes but no such luck!

I feel like I'm ALWAYS going to be dealing with this psychological obsession. It's a REAL distraction in life! I wish I could get electroconvulsive therapy or have my brain scrubbed to somehow forget the taste of pastries!

Anybody else in this sorry state?

I am now 4 weeks and three days out still nauseous and sick feeling and very faint. Dr says I am not dehydrated but only getting in about 25 oz of liquid a couple of bites of yogurt or cottage cheese and one Protein shake. I have no desire to eat or drink. Is there anyone else like this? Is this normal? I'm getting scared.

I felt like s$#% for about 5-6 weeks post op. Nausea especially. The anti-nausea prescription I was given was worthless and most OTC meds I tried also didn't help much. Hang in there. It gets better.

I'm just over 4 months out and have no noticeable Hair loss. I kinda don't wanna Celebrate just yet but so far so good!

I really need advice on how much I should be eating. I only lost 2lbs last week but am KILLING it in the gym.

Did 190 minutes of exercise total last week- 150 of which were spent in spin class on the brink of friggin death.

I only lost 2lbs- compared to the FOUR I lost last week with about half that much working out!!!

The spin bike shows me doing about 16 miles per class during that hour which totals over 1100 calories burned for someone my weight according to several calorie counters (fitness pal, spark people, etc).

On ONE of the days, I ate 1500 calories. The rest of the days, I had 900-1000.

Am I eating to much?

For people who exercise intensely, how many calories are you eating?

I've started weight training this week too which I know helps in the long run but may cause me not to lose anything for the next few weeks.

I banished my scale to my BFF's house for the rest of the month. I'm too stressed out over this.

Well, I would feel like I was kicking butt if I lost as fast as you. I am at my 4 month surgiversary next week and I'm just now at 30 lb lost.

I stall if I eat more than about 600 a day now. I am very sporadic with exercise, though. It's hard seeing people lose huge numbers, but there's really nothing to do but plug away and remember that every day you're getting thinner, whether the scale knows it or not.

When I was at 600 calls a day and at the weight loss stall, EVERYONE said "eat more" and drink more Water.

Well...I DID! Now what?

I wanna go back down to below 800 per day now- WITH exercise and see what happens.

Have you been told the same about upping calories? I noticed a change the first week or so when I started doing it but I see no long term difference at this point.

Both MyFitness Pal & SparkPeople calculated 1100 calories for 63 minutes of vigorous spinning at my weight (16 miles was the total # calculated on the computer of the spin bike when I was done). Put in 16miles of vigorous cycling in an hour at 241lbs and this is the range you get every time on pretty much all of the calculators I used. Some even said it was 1200 calls burned.

I had 1500 calories that day, 480 of which were in the form of three Protein shakes: One in the morning, one after exercising, one before bed. I usually do two a day, but the gym manager said I should probably get a bit more Protein that night.

The not comparing thing is impossible as far as I'm concerned. I need a reason WHY she's older AND weighed less than me and still lost almost 20lbs more in less time. And yes, I *know* I'll never get that answer, but you can't help but ask why. It's really, really upsetting.

I wanted to kick someone's ass when I got on the scale today.

Can you say "abnormal amount of rage"?

I should probably take a nap and calm myself down at this point. I was going to take today as a "rest day" since I worked out 4x this week but now I'm thinking that's not an option.

#PissedOff