want_so_bad
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Posts posted by want_so_bad
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well, it was a better few days, but not great. i am doing my best to not dwell and get stuck on this little lapse i am having. this too shall pass...
mel50- i have not been to that site. i am going to check it out today. i have tried journaling my food on a couple other sites. i do good with it for a day or three, sometimes a couple weeks. then i putter off of it and dont.
i am also thinking that part of my weakness lately is coming from being this close to goal. its almost like, hey-i've come this far, time to relax. but i know i shouldnt. and cant. i am not there yet. and didnt get this close and go through the many struggles and battles to give it all up. good thing i am posting all these thoughts. i can come back and reread my motivation later today when i am draggin butt. lol.
failureisnt- i do think you are right, that i had a trigger to this. i believe it is a combo of what i said above and my husband leaving for work. he works 7 on, 7 off. only they have moved the rig 1000 miles away. the driving cuts into 3 of his days off. we had a really great days off. its like we reconnected or something. we did fun things together and with our kids. it was fantastic after months of stressing from him being laid off. there was a definite emotional pull to him leaving. but i know i cant slip back into those behaviors. yes, i had a slight backslide, but i will not let it defeat me!
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as crazy as it sounds, i have actually considered putting this last 10 pounds back on...so that my arms would look better. but my husband pointed on that it more then likely would not go back to my arms. and then i would just be mad about having to lose the 10 pounds again. smart man, huh? and i was never REALLY serious about it, but the thought crossed my mind more then once as i jiggled in the mirror. arghhh....
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hi. i have yet to have my Tummy Tuck but have been to several consultations. the second doctor i went to really impressed me the most. he did mentino that there is the potential for "dog-ears" if the incision didnt extend long enough. he did say that it was something he fixed and waived his fee. but there was still the fee of the anestheologists (sp??).
i see you are in salt lake. do you mind me asking who you are going to? i consults w/ a doctor in odgen and one in park city. the second has an office in slc and park city.
best of luck!
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so i am going to post this to make myself accountable.
i dont know what came over me today, but i have ate all day long. i have that ate myself sick feeling. god, i havent missed that!
i grazed on crappy bad slider food. the only decent thing i ate today was a fresh juicy peach.
the even weirder thing is that, even though i am mad at myself for doing it, i am not really freakin out about, thinking how i just ruined EVERY THING i have done... thats a new one for me. i am making a grocery list of good foods i need. not this slop i ate all day.
and why did i eat it? every bite i took i thought about how i shouldnt. how it was not gonna help me or make me feel full. i dont even think half of the time i was eating i was hungry. actually i KNOW i wasnt. but just kept at it. ugh, i feel like i should/could just puke.
but today is a day. just one day, and it wont defeat me. tomorrow will start a new day and i will be better.
the venting feels good. thanks!
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i too can feel the "pop" when the needle is inserted into the port correctly. there is some pressure, then the pop. my doctor also pulls out the Fluid that is there before he tries to add any. he has also mentioned that it almost pushes itself back into the syringe because its under pressure or something like that. i can see it fill the syringe without him pulling, well, at first, then to get the last bit he does.
that said, i have to tell you what happened once. i had gone it for a fill. everything went as it normally did. got the needle in, pulled the Fluid out. we chatted about if how much to try, drank the nasty barium for the fluoro. added fluid, i go home. well, i had less restriction from the get go. waited a few days as sometimes it has taken up to a week for the fill to really take. let 2 weeks go by and nothing. no restriction what so ever! so i go back to the doctor and tell him. he gets the needle in and goes to draw out the fluid. NO FLUID (well like .2).
he says this isnt good. you may have a leak. i am a bawling mess right there on the table. i am self pay and went to Mexico and just could not afford to replace the band. he says only 2 times before had he ever NOT put the fluid back in. this didnt help me at all. i just layed there and cried. he decides to add the amt of fluid i SHOULD have had. and then we would see. either i would have restriction again, or it would leak out and i would know there was a problem.
so, yeah. i have restriction. not a problem since then with losing fluid. in fact, i have not had another fill since then. and everything is working tip top shape.
so mistakes happen. and they suck. but hopefully you are just not at enough of a fill to find your sweet spot. good luck!
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i have the 4cc band as well. i have had the same experience as jachut. very little fills have a large impact. and i have never had more then 2.2 total in my band. i think it works just fine.
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and now i am hating on my arms! which i hadnt been until last week sometime. let me just tell you why. so i was giving a gentleman directions on how to get around the shop behind where i work. i had on shirt that had those short fluttery type arms. i extended my arm to point and caught the most gawd aweful jiggle out of the corner of my eye. in horror i finished with the directions and headed straight to the bathroom. there i did the same thing again in the mirror. OMG! wth is this? i had some jiggle previously, but not like this! wth is going on? i am assuming that this jiggle is the biproduct of losing this last round of weight i have. but holy crap. the jiggle snuck up on me. i flex and still have the toned muscle, but the jiggle is way worse!
so i have upped my weight lifting/toning. i am parnoid as all get out about them now. when i look in the mirror i see these huge fat arms again. when before this happened i LIKED my arms. i really hope i can remedy this with the toning.
and also, maybe, maybe, just maybe, i will look in the mirror one day and it will be gone, just like it appeared. you know what i mean? maybe my messed up mind will morph these jiggle arms back into what i **thought** they were!
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i have yet to try the cauliflower mashed idea....will have to do it when hubby is gone at work. just dont think i could slip that one by on him.
for our shepard's pie also use Tomato Soup. i bet it would be good with this version too.
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Thursday, August 20
b: coffee w/ sugar and french vanilla Creamer
ms: 1/2 c (approx) chex mix
l: nothing
as: slushie
d: nothing--well, some fruit punch from wendys. the fam ate there and i didnt want to try anything. band being extra finicky lately.
es: nothing
going to buy some more Protein powder/shakes this weekend for when this happens. i have been getting very irritable in the evenings and wonder if its from what i eat/dont eat? i need to make a better effort and correcting my eating mishaps.
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Tuesday, Aug 18
b: coffee w/ sugar and french vanilla Creamer
ms: 5 pb filled pretzel bites
l: 1/4 small wendy's chili w/ cheese
as: nothing
d: few small bites of chinese food-ham fried rice and chicken chow mein-could feel it getting stuck so stopped
Wed, Aug 19
b: coffee w/ sugar and french vanilla creamer
ms: skittles
l: nothing
as: nothing
d: approx 1/2 cup garden salad (lettuce, little bit cheese, olives, carrots, tomato) w/ ranch, 1/2 end crust off pizza
Water, crystal light, lemonade
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Monday, Aug 17
B: coffee w/ sugar and french vanilla Creamer
ms: nothing
l: nothing
as: 12 (approx) doritos, slushie (not together)
d: 1 cup patty melt hamburger helper mixed w/ cream corn w/out the noodles--picked those out
es: 2 Peanut Butter Cookies
2 cups 1% milk through evening
crystal light through day
wasnt hungry at lunch, but need to start trying to eat a little something-protein would be the smart thing. i need to restock my work fridge w/ smart choices like yogurt and string cheese.< /p>
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Wed, Aug 12
b: 1 cup coffee w/ sugar and french vanilla Creamer
ms: 1/8 cup chocolate covered raisins (about)
l: 1/2 fruit and yogurt parfait from mcdonalds
as: 6 white cheddar cheese nibs
d: 1 BITE cheeseburger patty/no bun, 1 BITE chicken nugget from mcdonalds
i have a question...how do you figure the calories for something you ate when it literally was one bite?
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jachut- i know what you mean about "technically beautiful" people. many times i will think someone is attractive until they open their mouth, lol. or actions, actions, or lack of actions for that matter, can make that gorgous person tank it in a heart beat. i think that being good looking and then being attractive to me are seperate things. and, omg, liam neeson is H-O-T! i think he is just yummy. very handsome man. i dont get the pretty boy thing either. not that i dont think brad pitt is easy on the eyes or anything, just not my cup of tea.
cleo's mom- thank you for the article. it understand the concept, and try, but i keep coming back to these feelings as well. its a struggle.
mimilou- i was just thinking the same thing this morning as i pinched and pulled on a few of the skin rolls....i think this looked better fat... not that i really did, i hated that, but all this skin....arghhh...lol
i am still really freaking out about it. i think i am more obsessed then i was when i started with this whole journey. and that was scary, lol. i have now started wearing this girdle type thing. its like a panty that goes up to under my boobs. it has helped. i dont feel as sloppy and icky. i know i look "smoother", by husband even commented on how much it helps. which just convinced me even more how icky i look! i wish my head/thoughts didnt work like this, but they do. i will just be so happy when i get the Tummy Tuck. i love my arms, they are thin and getting toned, my legs are thin, my butt...well, i have never had a butt, so that doesnt bother me, lol. just get this nasty belly gone.
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Tuesday, Aug 11
b: 1/2 cup coffee w/ tsp sugar and french vanilla Creamer
ms: nothing
l: 1/4 cup lettuce w/ ranch, 1/4 small wendy's chili
as: snickers
d: 1/2 cup mac -n- cheese
es: 1/2 cup raspberry rumble ice cream
dont know why i ate the snickers. wasnt even really hungry, it just sounded good. i had intended to have just a bite or two, maybe half, but ended up eating it all. better i just not buy it, or buy the fun size ones! what was i thinking? oh well, today is a new day....
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i agree completely w/ unforgettable (and those who made same point)!
if i deny myself something inparticular, that is what i want the most, with the fiercest craving. but if i allow myself a little of whatever it is i am craving, ice cream, chocolate, chips, i am good. good, and happy, and content with a small portion. it has made things so much easier! i dont beat myself up for going overboard and eating a whole entire candy bar instead of a fun size, or whatever it may be.
best thing i did for myself was that.
good luck!
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monday, aug 10
b: 1/2 cup coffee w/ sugar and french vanilla creamer
ms: nothing
lunch: 2 corn chips w/ nacho cheese
as: 6 tootsie roll midgees, 1/2 oz beef Jerky probably and hour later
d: 2 bites bbq brisket, got stuck
es: 1/2 snickers ice cream bar
i am having a hard time lately. i know most of its in my head. and part of it is my band. one day i am super tight and cant eat anything. in a day or two i can eat again, though not much. then its tight. i dont know whats going. i liked it much better when i knew consistanly how it was going to be. really tight in the morning and slowly loosen through the day. but oh well, i must get used to this. and i need to get my head in the game again....
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Friday, Aug 7
b: 1 1/2 cups coffee w/ 2 tsp sugar and french vanilla Creamer
ms: 8 pieces of gardettos italian cheese blend snack mix
l: 2 small bites meat off of jr roast beef, 1/2 of one loaded potato cake (stuck again, stupid me!)
as: 4 tootsie roll midgees (stupid me again...took bag out to the guys in the shop)
d: dont know, have a birthday party for niece to go to.
another bad day with my choices. i have to stop. i have been doing really well losing and dont want to mess that up.
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Thursday, 8-6
b: 1 cup coffee w/ 2 tsp sugar and french vanilla coffee
ms: nothing
l: 6 tootsie roll midgees
as: nothing
d: 3 bites chef salad...got stuck
es: 2 orange starbursts
later es: pb chip granola bar, 1 small swallow fat free milk
not a good day at all. i was really looking forward to the chef salad and was bummed when i got stuck so fast. i really thought i was eating slow and chewing well. not good at all.
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so just the other day i posted the thread "glimpse at my future body". all those feelings still stand. but i am also freakin out majorly about how icky i look right now. how icky i perceive myself to look now? maybe thats a better way to put it?
i am thrilled with my weightloss. i knew from get go i would need a Tummy Tuck and some boobie work. i KNEW that. but omg, my stomach is so nasty right now. it is bothering me so bad. i cant stand to be naked. if i catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror after a shower it makes me sick. i stand there for a good 10 minutes pushing and pulling on stuff just hating it. when my husband and i are intimate, i have to keep on a tank top to cover my stomach. makes him mad, but i guess he is kinda getting to accept it because he isnt as pushy about it.
my friends and family that know of my crazy body issues tell me over and over that i am much to critical of myself. that i look amazing and they are proud of me. its like, i know in my head i look better then i did before. but i dont KNOW that. does that make sense to anyone? i am not striving or even want to look like a toothpick or a model or some celebrity, i just dont wanna look like this, ya know?
ugh, its so hard. its nice to come here and vent about it though. spring and tax return cant come fast enough. i am putting that money towards my tummy tuck!
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perfect!! you can really borrow her when she is in her "i am 16 and know everything and the world revolves around me" mood. lol. na, she isnt THAT bad, but has those teenage girl moments for sure. i am pretty sure I was never like that, lol...
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wednesday
b: coffee w/ 2 tsp sugar and french vanilla Creamer
ms: 4 tootsie roll midgees
l: 1 slice thin crust pepperoni pizza from pizza hut
af: nothing
d: 1/2 c spaghettio's w/ franks
es: 1/4 c. chocolat milk (poured 1/2 c, but went down SUPER slow, so only drank 1/2 before giving up and going to bed)
20oz crystal light pink lemonade
4oz fruit punch
i was mad at myself for the piece of pizza at first because it has 380 calories. but then, after looking at the day as a whole, i did good (calorie wise).
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tuesday
b: coffee w/ 2 tsp sugar and french vanilla Creamer
ms: nothing
l: 1/2 cup WI cheddar cheese Soup (not quite all of it)
af: 6 tootsie roll midgees
d: 1/2 cup chili, small piece cornbread w/ butter and 1 tsp honey (piece was 1 in wide by 2 in long)
20oz crystal light ice tea
16oz pink lemonade
going to try posting each day to hold myself accountable. really trying hard to lose this last 11 lbs! beginning to think i would be ok to just lose like 6 more...
Off topic....want your input
in The Gals' Room
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wow. wonder what their punishment is for talking? i need to implent this at my house, lol. just kidding. but really, no talking on the playground? isnt that what a playground is for?
good luck with this. i am interested to see others responses.