salsa1877

Good evening. What a week...and next week is crazy too. It is spirit week next week, we have visitors everyday next week at work and we have a lockin/sleepover on Friday night. Then the following week we leave for Philadelphia/Washington D.C. I SOOOOOOOO need a break. The meds are working very well. I don't want to eat ever. I have lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks and I have permission to start running again tomorrow. So I should be back in my pants in no time! Well I should get going. Lee and I are hosting a gaming party tomorrow night and I have to learn the new game that we bought today. Just wanted to check in like I promised.

Sorry! Not ignoring everyone. Just been VERY busy. I'll check in tomorrow.

Good afternoon, I am back over the hill. I just got back a couple of hours ago and had to get ready for a potluck tonight. We are taking fruit and cheese so that I have something healthy to eat. I think this fill is pretty good though. I have only had some Jamba juice oatmeal for Breakfast, some chicken for lunch and some cheese and fruit for a snack. If I don't eat slow and chew well I get stuck, but so far I have been able to eat everything if I actually follow those rules!!! Well I need to finish getting ready so we can leave. Chat later.

Good morning, Karla, I'm so sorry for your loss. While I haven't lost my dad, I did lose my mom and I know that I was torn up. Even though she didn't show love in the way that most people would consider normal, but I think in her own twisted mind she did think that she was showing love in the best way that she knew how. Well I am in WA today waiting to get a fill. I'm wondering if I actually need one now, but after a 6 hour drive and surviving allergies at my brothers, I'm going to get one! I'm just not hungry any more...and with the antidepressants the little voice in my head that keeps telling me to eat has seemed to go away. I am feeling MUCH MUCH MUCH better. I am just going to have to realize that I am going to have to be on this medicine for the rest of my life. Maybe not always such a high dose, but I am going to have to be on it. I lost 7 pounds last week mainly because I just don't want to eat. I will be hungry but just not want to eat. I LOVE IT! I have been below 1000 calories for most of last week and that is something I haven't been able to do in at least a year. Well I am going to read for a little while. We are at our favorite coffee shop at the mall while Lee works on school stuff. I should be grading papers but I don't want to... so I'm not! Going to read instead.

So sorry to hear of your loss Karla. My thoughts are with you.

Well things worked out spectacularly at work. MUCH MUCH better than I expected. About 15 minutes before I started teaching to day, my boss walked up to me and asked to speak with me in the conference room. When I got in there, he gave me a big hug, and told me that in NO way could he lose me. He told me that he was VERY VERY sorry for the actions that he taken. One of the things that I laid out yesterday was that I was pissed that he had promised me in OCTOBER that he would hire a full time science teacher for me next year. But this year when I went to him and asked him for help because I was too overwhelmed, he decided to hire the boyfriend of our math teacher. Matt (the guy they hired to help me this year) is a really good history teacher but he is NOT endorsed in science. So I was told about 2 weeks ago that Matt was not only going to help teach the classes this year he was going to be the part time "science" teacher next year. I was enraged, but up until yesterday said nothing. However when I was finished stating my disapproval of the unethical stuff, I continued by stating my disapproval of Matt's hiring. I told him, "In October you promised me a science teacher for next year, instead...I got Matt" So today...He told me that Matt would not be teaching next year and that I would get to hire a part time science teacher of my choosing. He also told me that I may have saved him from himself. There were a lot of things that he knew were not right, but they were things that he thought he could just keep sweeping under the carpet. But yesterday when I came in and put it so bluntly he said he had to face facts that he needed to be a better manager. Over all...I am VERY VERY VERY proud of myself. I stood up for myself and in the end, it turned out to be best for everyone, including the students. My meds are still giving me hell. I threw up again this morning. More dry heaves than anything because while I had food in my pouch...I had no food in my actual stomach. But it didn't last nearly as long as yesterday. Probably because I didn't take both pills together. Tomorrow however I will eat FIRST...then take the my pills in a while. Okay...Lee is watching a scary movie that I don't want to see so I am going to go upstairs play crossword puzzles on my phone and go to bed. NO PILLS TONIGHT!! Karri

Lee made taco salad for dinner. It was DELICIOUS!! My tummy feels better. Honestly I think I let myself get WAY too hungry yesterday morning. I'm supposed to take the pills on an empty stomach and I can't eat dairy for 2 hours after I take the antibiotic. So I figured I would just wait and eat Breakfast at 8AM. Well by the time 7AM hit, I was so hungry and my tummy was so upset that I threw up. It never really got better until I ate dinner last night. So the school thing is better. Still have not decided if I will stay or not. I am leaning toward staying (only for insurance and pay) but I don't know. Unfortunately what he did that was "unethical" had my name attached to it, so staying there wasn't necessarily condoning it, it could have had real consequences on my part. However, things were changed yesterday, parents of the concerned parties were called, and he apologized AND admitted that he was wrong. Don't get me wrong, I have like working for this guy for a long time, but in the 4 years that I have worked with him at 3 different schools...I have NEVER once heard him say "I was wrong and I am sorry". I about fell out of my chair. I pretty much laid everything on the line that pissed me off about the place. I told him that I would have my answer about whether I am staying or going at the end of spring break. In reality I am not in any state of mind to make those kinds of decisions right now. I will be out of the state for 10 days during spring break and it will be a good time for me to clear my mind and determine what it is I truly want from this place and from life. I do LOVE my job...the part that has to do with kids. I get to interact with students here more than you ever could at a regular high school. I get to teach and grade in a system that I completely believe in. Leaving this and going to a regular classroom would be VERY difficult for me right now. But at the same time, I don't know that I can work with what is going on and the people there. I was amazed though...he actually took notes, leaned forward when I was listening and looked like a deer caught in the headlights. Usually he is totally laid back and almost aloof when you talk to him. But this time I think I may have gotten through. We have worked together longer than anyone there and this is the first time that I have ever REALLY stood up for myself and what I believe in. I think that made a huge impression on him. He was swallowing hard when I said I was highly considering leaving. Well I guess I shouldn't take this pill at night...I have been wide awake since 2AM. I got a lot of school stuff done but I think I might try and take a nap for an hour. This is my long day and I might just crash if I don't get SOME sleep.

So my meds gave me a run for the money today. UGH...SO SO Sick. I actually threw up his morning. Between the Cymbalta and the antibiotic my stomach has felt raw all day. But on a good note, my mood seems to be improving. So for the next couple of days I am going to split my dosage...30mg in the morning and 30 mg in the afternoon. Needless to say my food was really good today. Well I will talk later. Lee is going to make dinner and I'm going to go take a shower.

Well I wish that I could say that I was feeling better...but I know that it takes time for the pills to take ahold. Yesterday was one of the worst days of my life. I found out some things that are going on at work (Can't go into it here due to confidentiality reasons) but I'm not sure that I can continue to work there. No children are being hurt...just paperwork stuff that isn't exactly ethical. I'm going to confront my boss tomorrow. I will talk with him and think about my opportunities. I will tell him that I will give him my answer about staying after spring break. It is really hard because I have worked so hard to get where I am. I'm not sure I could start over at a new school in a system that I don't believe in. However, I can't be without insurance and Lee still has one year of student teaching before he can get a teaching job, so I need to buy one more year. If I do resign I will eventually go back to school to become a pharmacist, but I can't just quit without a plan. I HAVE to have insurance and right now it is tough to walk away from the payment/benefits package that I have. However, at the same time, I don't want to work for someone that I don't trust. However, on a good note, I have lost 5 pounds! I have done very well with food, even if my exercise hasn't been going so great. I am giving myself credit for eating healthy though. The meds are actually making me not want to eat. I'm a little nauseous, but I am going to force myself to eat now. I haven't eaten in about 5 hours and my tummy is actually starting to growl. I will chat later.

Candice I actually was going to offer to be your coach if you would be mine. My mommy is like the coach of the coaches!! So far food has been okay. The exercise is what I'm not doing. Now my favorite exercise has been taken away. Though I am hoping that the pills will help make it not seem so hopeless. I'm really glad I have all of you. I REALLY feel alone, awful, and pretty much hopeless. My depression haven't been this bad for as long as I can remember. Maybe when I first was diagnosed my first year of college. It's just BAD. BUT...I did get help so that is the first step.

So I finally did get my meds. Cymbalta for 3 weeks and then we will most likely add Wellbutrin. She doesn't want me seeing a therapist right now because she said I am too fragile. She wants me to get the chemicals right in my brain first and then she will help me find one. I have to see her once per week for the next several weeks until she feels confident that I am out of the worst of it. Then she diagnosed me with EVERYTHING under the sun that would affect Vitamin B 12 coverage so that I can get the shot twice per month. Next was the bad news. She thinks I have a MRSA infection and severe irritation and swelling. So I am back to NO running at all. I can walk, lift weights, and do everything but elliptical and running. She things the bouncing is the problem. Then she is making me wear my sports bra for the next 4 weeks (Just like your doc did Candice). Her and my PS are best friends but she doesn't agree with her policy on not wearing the sports bra. I of course fell apart that my weight was going to sky rocket, but she said that she won't let that happen. If the fill doesn't work with the exercise that I can do, she is going to put me on weight loss meds until I can go back to exercising. She said it is not the best thing health wise, but my body can handle it...my mental state cannot. She is hoping that the Cymbalta will help and that it won't come to this. Well I had best get going. Lee is bringing dinner to work and then going to play games. I feel ucky and don't want to spread my germs so I am just going to stay at work and get some stuff done. Probably will go home a little later and go to bed early. Though I do have a 3 page To Do List. My doc did comment that she is not going to tell me not to work right now...she thinks that I am already in a position where I am trying to make too many people happy and if she just gives me one more person to "make happy" that it might just push me over the edge. She told me to work as much as I needed to in order to feel alright mentally. As the meds take over I should need to work less and less. Chat later

Just run it under some hot water....so you break the glass...use the card to buy a new one!! I REALLY would like my Dr. Appt to get here...I need some meds!!!!

Oh..day 3 and the clean eating is going VERY well. Exercise...not so much...Feels like my head is going to explode and that I am breathing sandpaper.

UGH! Phyl I'm sick too. Seriously just want to curl up and not move for 2 days. I went to bed way too early tonight and now at almost 1AM I am wide awake. Work is...well work. I've put in a couple of long days but I also went home early today. Finished my class and left. I feel terrible. You can whack my boobs off and slice me open, but give me a cold and I turn into a whiny little baby. Well I should probably try to go back to bed. I have to teach lab in the morning, write an AP Chemistry test, write AP chemistry notes, have a parent/student conference and go to the doctor. All of that before 11AM! I almost said screw it, booked a flight to Vegas and left for the weekend. But...it wasn't warm enough in Vegas and I need to save my money. But I REALLY need to get out of here. I have 1 month until I leave for Philadelphia...hopefully they have a heat wave while I'm there. I SWEAR if there is a blizzard, I'm going to take my rental car and drive to Florida and SWIM to the hottest island in the Atlantic. G'nite

The name of the book is the Beck Diet Solution by Judith Beck. It really is a good book. I only have the workbook but so far it really makes you think. It is NOT a diet book though. I It is a cognitive therapy book that is about changing the way you think about dieting and eating in general. It's an up in your face kinda book. You will want to fight with it at times but in reality you know that what it says is what you should be doing. There are things that I struggle with. For instance it is almost IMPOSSIBLE for me to meaningfully eat at lunch on Tuesdays and Thursday. I dint have a single break from 9-2. Therefore I can't take 20 minutes to eat my lunch. However I make sure in those days that I do at least sit down and eat. Even if I have to disappoint my students because it is okay to disappoint people. That is something that I really need to learn. Well I need to eat dinner and then go to the gym.

Yeah, I think most of us have some sort of parent issues. Mine was abusive and my dad completely absent. Fortunately my mom is gone and I have a relationship with my dad that is on my terms. So I have been given permission to start losing weight by the PS and to go back to the gym with essentially no restrictions. The only thing that I have to watch is the chest exercises. So I bought the Beck Diet Solution Workbook (They didn't have the regular book). I have exactly 30 days until we leave for Philadelphia so it is going to be 30 days of clean eating. I cleaned out the cupboards both here and at home. I made my area for food in the kitchen at work. I have my sticky notes around my office and reminders plugged into my phone. I'm going to my PCP on Friday and going to talk about anti-depressants. I really need them but I am REALLY reluctant to go on them. TMI ALERT!!! I already have NO "drive" in that area and the pills do nothing to help that. They also seem to make me feel like I'm STARVING but I am also tired of feeling depressed also! I am REALLY weepy but I do know that part of that is that I am late getting my Vit B12 Shot. I was supposed to get it today but the vial they got in was contaminated so they have to reorder. Wouldn't be in until Wednesday and since I already have the appt on Friday I didn't want to pay 2 co-pays especially since my insurance refuses to pay for my vitamin b 12 shots. Even though they truly are necessary. Well I am off to bed. I don't have time to watch the Olympics so I just read the articles and get updates from everyone else. Janet - I hope your sister gets better.

Karla I am so happy for you on the house. I hope this brings you the peace that you deserve. Best wishes on your dad.

My fill is pretty much nonexistant. I get stuck less now that I did before the fill. I'm not as hungry but I can still eat just as much food. My PS said she could do an unfill if I needed her to but doesn't feel comfortably giving a fill because she doesn't want me to get to tight. I go in on the 26th to get another fill so I am going to have them be pretty liberal. I don't want to be too tight but I also want some restriction. Well I'm off to the gym

I don't know about the nose spray. We tried supplements (sublingual and oral) before the shots with NO luck. My body will only absorb the shots. I can tell a HUGE difference. Have fun in Florida! I think I finally have my workout/food schedule down...Only took 7 months!!!

Good morning, Yesterday is the day that normally kills me. Today is my easy day. I only teach 2 classes...AP Chemistry and Physics. It is GLORIOUS. I went to the gym this morning and did my 500 calorie burn. I have my walking jogging class this afternoon so I will get another workout in. My boobs are feeling much better. Still hard in a couple of spots but overall, doing much better. I need to go to the doc and get my Vitamin b12 shot...I'm a little late and I can tell. REALLY, REALLY tired. Well I have a staff meeting in 3 minutes so I had best head downstairs. chat later

I feel much better today. Tuesdays just SUCK though. I teach from 8-5 with one 1 hour break that is usually occupied by some sort of meeting. Well I am going to go eat dinner. Chat later!

I go back to the doctor on Friday. The hardness seems to be going away. Just wish I could figure out what the heck is going on with my head. I feel terrible. I'm going to bed WAY later than I wanted to because I am trying to get some work stuff done. Lee asked if he could help me so I put him to work. He looked at me and asked "Do you have to do this often?" I said "every unit". To which he replied..."No wonder you have to work so much...this is awful" Sometimes it is good for him to see how horrible some of my jobs are. It is just computer entry stuff, but it all has to be coded. UGH.. Going to bed now!

Phyl it must be going around. I feel ucky today. I did run this morning though. I've just had a terrible headache all day.

My doc doesn't have me in any special bra after the first 3 weeks. I still wear my binder for my tummy area. When I was running, I had on the best sports bra money can buy. Those puppies don't move. I didn't have any pain today after running. Just got kind of dehydrated and had some low blood sugar. Tomorrow will be a lighter day. The pain in my boob is pretty much gone...but it is still pretty hard. There are about 4 spots that are the size of walnut shells that are hard as a rock. I see her again on the 12th and I guess we will see what we are going to do from there. But at least the pain has subsided for the most part. Well back to work. I have ZERO motivation to work today. But that isn't really an option!

Good for you Candice. I plan on going back to my trainer the first week of March (fingers crossed) so I will get my measurements then. I'm pretty certain they aren't pretty! But I did just get back from the gym. 2 hours and 700 calories. I did run for a little bit...I have to for my brain. But then I spent a long time on the bike...I HATE the bike. Well I need to get some work done because I won't be working ANY tomorrow...I LOVE the Super Bowl...especially when two very deserving teams made it. Rarely do the two best teams in the league make it to the Super Bowl but this year I think it is spot on. Should be a great game. We are going over to some of our board gaming friends house to watch the game. Then next weekend Lee and I are actually doing something for Valentines Day. First time ever...we are NOT romantic people. But a restaurant in the neighboring town is having a comedy night so we are going there for that. Plus last Thursday we went out with some friends to wine tasting (I drank water) but they also had Sake tasting. He fell in love with this one bottle of sake so I bought it for him. He is going to shit his pants because it cost me 35$ for the bottle. But it is an heirloom sake and he raved about it all night. Fortunately my secretary belongs to Wine Styles and she got her discount. The bottle was supposed to be 55$...and I would have paid even that amount for it. Well I'm going to go shower and get dressed. Gym clothes are a bit wet!