laura619

[font=arial,helvetica,sans-serif]Hoooo wee. WHere to start? [/font]

[font=arial,helvetica,sans-serif]I mean, it seems that I ALWAYS had weight issues.....probably I should start with what I recall being my earliest issues....hiding food in my room to eat later...my mother was always on me for being a bit pudgy...maybe her mother was on her about me too...I was the middle child of 3....both of my siblings never seemed an ounce overweight. I always felt like I needed more. More comforting...more assurance, more love. SO food was my secret friend.[/font]

[font=arial,helvetica,sans-serif]As I entered puberty, I remember thinking I wasn't as curvy as other girls...I longed to be body perfect....but I wasn't....I was really pretty, but had such a negative feeling about my body. I had been able to drop weight in high school and was thin enough...but never felt like "it". In college, I gained weight quickly in freshman year with the fattening foods all so available at my fingertips. I went into sophomore year, broke up with boyfriend, and quickly started losing weight . I really managed quite well...so well...too well? My best friend said I was anorexic looking. Well, for someone of my build to wear a size 6 pants and have them loose was not a good thing...but I was living large (well, skinny)...I had lots of dates, and sexual attraction was my addiction then.....I felt in control for the first time in my life. [/font]After being raped, and some other issues, I began to retreat into myself and start to feel body bad again. Later, I reconnected with my boyfriend, who soon became my husband.

Long story short, things were very tumultuous and I looked to food for all of my needs; comfort, support, anger management..etc. After 2 children, I gained and lost, gained and lost...went on a bazillion diets and lost no more than 38 pounds in any one shot. By the time I'd reached 282 pounds, I couldn't believe it...I so often avoided looking at myself and always managed to look half decent...laugh a lot to hide the pain I felt....and was just "that fun person who did everything for everyone". I was miserable. I'd had diabetes II for about 10 years, saw my once-low blood pressure start to climb, and cholesterol? Geez, it was soaring. My feet killed me, my ankles hurt and my legs ached as I spent hours on my feet as a teacher. The things I once loved to do were too difficult. So much have I done for others and so often have I failed myself.

Many major life events later, it was the beginning of 2012. I felt the lowest I'd ever felt....I contemplated returning to my wonderful therapist with whom I'd worked for nearly 12 years. I hadn't seen her in a few months...denial? Well, I just felt that it was one more person that I'd let down. I couldn't bear it. I was working on memory quilts for the children and family of a dear friend/colleague who'd died very young of breast cancer. As I worked on those quilts in my room, I felt her presence. One night as I laid down, I felt her near me. She touched me and said, "Laura, I did not have the years in my life, but YOU need to put the life in your years". That was the turning point. The next day I spent every break moment researching gastric bypass. My sister in law had done it just a year and a half ago and had been successful. I was afraid to say it out loud. It was then that I called, in desperation, a male therapist ! Someone my dear therapist had recommended many times when I'd ask for a rec for someone. I don't know why exactly, but I decided it was going to be him that I'd pour out my weight issues and ask him to stay on me to help me make a decision. His approach was straight forward and supportive....I told him what I was up to....and then from then on, he just kept on me to stay with action....and then...well, it's all history.

I attended my first seminar with Dr. Abkin on May 3. From then on, I knew that I would do it. and I would succeed. There was no doubt.
I feel like I have taken my life back and more. I will never be the fat girl again...I am worth every minute of my time, and I am absolutely enjoying my new life "taking shape". I am 62 pounds down...looking at about 45 more....and I LOVE MYSELF!!!