crowsnestmama

Bringing this into the light will help you more than you know! You have done an awesomely courageous thing, by getting this out there. I certainly encourage you to take whatever steps you can to work through these issues (that you will find you are not alone in having), whether that is counseling, getting connected here...whatever. Just don't think that you've failed and give up, because you haven't. You, dear one are one GIANT step closer to success for life!!!

Awesomesauce!!!! Great job!!!

So, any ideas (that aren't money consumers because let's face it, no one has much extra lying around) for celebrations or soothings that aren't food related?

Realized today that I soothe my kids with food. My daughter had something highly disappointing happen. To "make up for it" I took her and her sister to Starbucks and order them something off of the "secret menu." I made it into this big and cool thing, then realized that I have no idea how to do this with out it being food, or in this case drink, related. Gah!!! It's when you don't have time to think, to plan, that the demon jumps out and bites you in the ass!!!

Bear-man...they were actually quite taken with your response! They didn't mean any harm, and were not making fun of anyone but themselves. You opened the thread up even more, in a positive way, and they were jumping on the possibilities you presented with your awesome quotes and suggestions. Each of their quotes reflected some of the things we have learned from one another since Madame began the awesomeness that is this thread, and we are all pleased that you would choose to join us on this journey.

Ccrroossswords...mmm Nope nothing. I think I actually just lol'd!!! (Maybe a little tiny snort, too. I'll admit nothing) Madame, this thread is the bomb. Thank you dde18

Got another!!! I will NOT miss being afraid to use a public bathroom, fearing not fitting in the stall!!!!

I have had to severely cut ties with family members over the years. At first the guilt was huge...but over time I've realized that we are all happier (even them in their misery).I think it's guilt because we are "supposed" to take care of our family, blood and water, perceived obligations, etc. Not all of these are bad, but when a relationship is toxic, self preservation has GOT to be paramount...and if it trickles over to my kids? Lord help them because I have NO mercy!!! (Hence my mom being cut off for 18, and 27 months at one point). So cutting off, and setting boundaries? They are ok...society just doesn't get it yet. IMHO

Laura-Ven....any idea idea who slipped me happy pills? Lol! I was lying here talking to my hubby and realized...I'm happy. It's so weird, I didn't even know what to name it it's been so long. I know that it's got to be part of the emotional purge of this thread. So once again...thanks everybody!!!

Sobbing mess today! 1) feel like my stomach has decided to transplant into my throat. Sometimes it think my body says, "hey, remember when you cut 90% of your stomach out? Well, now you are gonna pay!!!" 2) got a letter from my son from boot camp today. Who knew 2 words could reduce me to a hiccuping mess! Letter opened with, "Hey Momma!!" Yep I was a gonner! Then the all caps HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!! Put me over the edge, gah!!! 3) I really, really have come to hate this time of year....brings out the demons in my head with the round singing of, "you're such a failure!!!, you'll never succeed!!" This year they've added, "why did you even bother!!" Fun stuff that...grrr Sorry, if I don't get it out they just might take over and win. Hoping that by putting voice to them they will run away in shame. Anyway, thanks for listening...well reading. Seriously didn't mean to basically throw all this up, I guess I have no one else who could possibly get it.

"One of my former therapists loved this exercise and she pointed out something interesting that goes along with it. In English, we say "I am hungry" or "I am angry." In other languages like French and German the construct is, "I have hunger" or "I have anger." Her theory is that when we personify the emotion we feel it more deeply; it IS us. So her additional instruction to me for sitting with feelings was to reframe the way I spoke to myself about it, so as to hold it at arms' length. She would ask me to visualize holding the feeling in both hands (I have hunger, right there, in my hands), assign it a color, a shape, whatever…and then let it go. It's a trick but it is distracting. I was mostly dealing with anger and hurt and it allowed me to take one step away from it and observe it, rather than rage." As a lover of languages, this is AWESOME!!! Hhmm, new strategy? I think yes!!!

Due to all my (and my family's) perceived "failures" in life (in my very early 20's) I developed a belief that I AM a failure, it has pervaded EVERY instance of change I have tried in my adult life. So not only am I "fat," and "never had a chance of even being slightly attractive," I am a "failure," and therefor truly "unworthy" of being loved. I have sabotaged each and every attempt to improve my life/circumstances. I am determined that this is going to change. I don't know how, but I'm going too!

Lost chin #2 myself, then the wattle shows up...belch. I'm only halfway to goal so maybe that will disappear too...here's hoping.

I don't hide my snacking, BUT I do snack. Even if I don't want it really. It's so weird, the things I choose don't even TASTE good anymore, yet I'll eat it anyway. Gah! It makes me feel like an idiot that I can't seem to "just say no" to stupid things like crackers or kit kats...

I promised I would post a better explanation for why this thread, and ALL of the contributors helped me today, so here goes. I have worked VERY hard to NOT think about how i ended up where I ended up (5'4" 248 lbs at my highest). I guess I thought that if i ignored it, it would go away...I'm not even sure I knew what IT was. So, the thread, dah dah dam!! I know I got to where I was by not eating healthy, even though I had convinced myself that I was doing pretty good. I had rationalized that I just wasn't active enough. But, that's not entirely accurate. Every picture of me as a child has me eating something (cookie, turkey leg...). I came along when my older siblings were 8 and 5. They HATED me (dad's second marriage, their mom abandoned them, blah blah blah). My parents had 2 kids around that were pretty self sufficient, so as soon as I could I had to do for myself. If i was upset, "here's a cookie" i wanted something, "eat this." I can remember my grandparents making comments about my weight and size from the time I was 6 or 7... and looking at those pictures? That little girl was NOT that big! I was really active and I played hard. Our house was a "clean your plate" house though, no matter what...you take it you eat it (even if it was dished for us). Fast forward a couple years and I am told 2 things in a very short time frame 1) I have absolutely no chance to ever be even slightly attractive, look at how ugly my parents are (at 12 by my older brother) and 2) that i really needed to take off about 20 lbs because I was just in too big of a size of clothing (by my grandparents)(abuse begins by family memeber). This is in spite of the fact that I am competitively swimming, and swim 10-18 miles per week. At 13 my parents divorce, and I am blamed (wow do I hold a lot of power). At 14 I move to a new town away from my dad and my mom basically lets go, I can do what ever I want when ever. By this time I am starting high school sports and swimming has become my life. I swim 20-30 miles a week, I am a state qualifier, I am still too fat (according to the family, at 5'4" 136 lbs with HUGE breasts...seriously). I don't eat, not really. Just chef salads, and whatever casserole my mom makes for dinner, if that. My senior year...I don't swim, for various reasons. I jump to 156, I am in an all out search for someone, anyone to prove my brother wrong...only problem is that I only have 1 asset, one thing to offer and once that is given...bye bye. Then I meet a guy that says all the right things, I move out before I graduate and move in with him. I am pregnant by September and have my first son at 19...Oh, and his daddy left when I was 2 2/12 months pregnant (although he did take care of our son, and has been a pretty decent dad). I was still on the hunt, had my second son at 22...intro Post Partum Depression...I never lost the baby weight, just started packing it on. Met my hubby when second son was 5 weeks. Hubby is not really a go and doer, he's a sit and watcher, as in movies, movies, more movies. 2 years later and I'm 248 lbs. I start paying more attention and get down to 236, but that's it. I recognize that I am an emotional eater, a boredom eater, an eat when you are full eater. I get pregnant with my first daughter, I'm so sick I lose 30 lbs by 24 weeks and only gain 6 back, 15 moths later I'm pregnant with second daughter, so sick I lose 28 lbs gain 17 back. I proceed to gain all the weight back up to the 248, even with a breast reduction. Fast forward to 2010 and my husband is in an accident at work, has surgery, develops complications and is in ICU for 39 hours...I was faced with 4 kids, and not knowing how I could possibly live long enough at the rate I was going to see them raised. Then I was watching tv, on mute in the icu, and saw an episode of the biggest loser. I thought that if they could run at over 40 lbs, then what the heck was I doing? So, I started couch25K, then started swimming, then biking then kettle belling...got down to 216 lbs, but no lower, maintained for 2 years, and then the weight started coming back, not reduction in exercise or increase in calories...up it went to 236lbs, when I hoped out of my vehicle in April and snapped a bone in my foot. I was done, started the sleeve process and sleeved 8/12. I'm sorry that is so long, I just didn't know quite how to get to this point with out a bit of the back ground. If you look at my story, it is so similar to everyone else's...I am not alone! I am struggling, but again, this thread says I am not alone! I had a screwed up childhood (way more than I shared) but I am not alone! There are people who are like me that are being successful, which gives me some very much needed hope! So how did I get here? It was a very convoluted path of abuse, self medicating with food, over eating, slowing my own metabolism with my own actions, creating a huge stomach that could hold copious amounts of gluttonous binge, PCOS induced insulin resistance, and plain old slothfulness. Now what? Because this surgery really only fixed one thing, and that is the size of my stomach. I have addressed my emotional eating. most days I chose to not eat when I am overwhelmed, but there are some days, and sometimes a few in a row that my binge wins over what I know the right thing to do is. I am running, and biking and swimming again (it's like returning home, only with out the pressure). Picos symptoms are pretty much gone (except TOM carb craving). The not winning is very scary to me. If I have learned anything from the posts though, I am not a failure, I CAN succeed. Now I am faced with a new fear...Have I totally screwed up my kids? My oldest has the highest metabolism at 5'10" and 147lbs and is in Boot Camp for the Marine Corps, my 15 year old is 6'1" and 214lbs, he won't eat breakfast, some times doesn't eat lunch, and will eat dinner, but not huge amounts unless it's pizza. He has also attempted suicide and has been a cutter...these issues have alleviated with amazing counseling and a communication relationship between us that is awe-inspiring (I did my own happy dance this week Laura when he brought home a 3.8 gpa, so I get it!). My 10 year old daughter is only going to be 4'6"-4'9" and is one solid bodied girl (not heavy just very muscular with perfect gymnast butt and thighs, lol). She plays basketball and volleyball and wants to play soccer this spring. My 8 year old daughter may make 5' and is solid but thin. She is in soccer and we have discovered that she doesn't have just 1 aggressive bone, but there must be quite a few, lol. But they have heard me say how fat I am, they have seen me talk about my fat and how ugly I am. (then heard people say how much they look like me). How disgusting I am, how unworthy of love I am...gah! Have I totally screwed them up already? How do I fight what I've already damaged? I hate this!!! I can stand all of those feelings but I can't stand the thought that they may believe the same things about themselves, just because I'm screwed up! Wow Madame Reverie...when you got me thinking, you got me thinking! Thank you!!! Laura-ven...I can't begin to tell you the impact your words had on me...Thank you for sharing! RJ...You are an inspiration I will never be able to remember everybody else, but thank you all!!!

Now, as long as Nicolanz doesn't go for any cheeky butt feels during her group hug - lets all get back to slaying those dragons which often present themselves to me, in the form of cheeseburgers and fries. I'm in!! I will be formulating an explanation to relate an, hopefully, adequate portrayal of the importance these posts have played for me. Problem is that I'm at work, so I'll be posting this pm. Mental workings to be done.

Ok. I read through the entire thread, and must say a few things. 1) thank you to ALL the contributors. I saw myself in each and every post. I can say that I was able to reflect on EACH piece that you all shared and they REALLY helped me to recognize something's about and within myself that I need to get some "light" to, for fear of the darkness overwhelming. 2) when such highly personal and emotional things are shared, I think it makes us EXTREMELY sensitive (emotional cheese grater?) and some of you thought others took offense, which I believe they didn't. Nor did the original apologizers offend. It makes me sad that the thread came to that because you all REALLY REALLY were on an AMAZING roll, and it was incredibly helpful. Until it stopped. To get a glimpse into the soul of another, to feel for just a moment like all is not lost, and a fleeting sense that I am not alone....That, my fellow sleevers, I truly appreciate. I NEEDED this thread Revs...with tears streaming....THANK YOU!!!

Things I will not miss: 1. Feeling like a failure because I'm so big. 2. Feeling like I can't share an opinion or information because no one wants to listen to the fat lady anyway. 3. Not being able to actually look in a mirror (because I am disgusted by what I see) 4. Not being confident enough to initiate relations with my hubby. 5. Not knowing where I stand with people, thinking that they are just being nice so they can earn brownie points for being nice to the fat girl. 6. Plain jane undergarments, non matching under garments. 7. Worrying about being the fattest in the group, and people not feeling comfortable having me in the group. 8. Hearing my older family members telling me that I can't afford to get much bigger. 9. Feeling squished sitting between my hubby and my son in the theater. (For some reason they both lean in towards me. dude! The seats are small enough!!!) 10. Never being hit on. While I'm not looking for anything, to see an appreciation in a strangers eyes is oddly up lifting.

Fanfreakingtastic!!!! Lol!! No more grabbing fat, those are my hips...I have hips!!!!whawhoo!!!

Had my 3 month check up a couple of weeks ago, dr wanted me at 30% excess weight lost, I was at 44% whoop! Pre-op weight 236 SW 219.8 CW 176.8 I'm now at 51%, he wants me at 60-65% by my 6 month appt in Feb. Told me not to worry about calories, get my protein and fluids in, keep sugar low and that's all I need to worry about. Keep drinking my shakes to ensure I'm getting the job done. When I work out (training for a mini triathlon) I need to drink a protein shake immediately after to keep from burning muscle. These were his only issues.

So if pre-op was 236, and current is 181.4, with goal at 136, then I'm 54.6% Surgery weight was 219.8, current 181.4, goal 136 gives me 45.8% Doc wants me at 60-65% of surgery weight by 6months visit. That means I have to lose 54.5 lbs that's 19 more lbs. I don't even know what 162lbs looks like anymore, but I can't wait to see it! I just realized that I only have 45lbs to go before I hit goal. Wow! That is crazy hard to wrap my mind around.

Thanks. I'm running every other day, getting in my fluids better and protein since I started going to the gym regularly. Also started losing faster again. In all I am so glad that I can run with out pain again, that's an NSV for sure! How's everybody else doing?

went to the doc yesterday for 3 month follow up. He wants us to be a 30% of excess lost...I was at 44%!!! Whoop! He wants us at 60-65% at 6 months...I hope that now that I am exercising (training for a mini triathlon in August of next year to celebrate being a year out) that my % will be higher. I am down 37lbs since surgery and 53.2 since preop. sleeved 8/12.

Wow! That escalated quickly!! lol!!!

That's my run, finally beat that 5k baby!!! Then the bike.,.this girl is TIRED!!! Lol!