Roo101769

My bariatric team was pretty informative, but honestly I did a lot of research on my own. I read the good, the bad and the ugly. I thought I knew it all. As for the actual surgery, post op diet / lifestyle , and general surgery related things I was informed. Where I have struggled has been mentally and emotionally. I was more addicted to food than I realized. I sailed through my one and only psych evaluation, but I think I could have use some counseling. I did not realize how emotional this would be for me. My weight loss has been slower than many you read about. I am a year out and still have 75 lbs to lose. ( 101lbs gone) I struggle all the time with what I put in my mouth. I have lost much of my early excitement. While I am happy as can be about losing over 100 lbs, I still focus on the 75lbs I need to lose. My life is no easier than it was before the surgery. Yes, my physical being is better. I can do so much more than I ever could at 316lbs. But I still have the exact same issues I had before. I work a sometimes stressful job, money is always tight, I am raising a six year old by myself. And my social life is no better now than it was before. I always blamed my lack of companionship ( ie: having a man) on being fat. Now I realize it is much more than that. Yes, I get more attention. But I don't get asked out anymore now than I did before. ( I don't think I am a big social pariah, I have many male and female friends. For some reason I just don't seem to attract romantic intentions.) I do know I look better than I did. I absolutely know I feel better. But I never imagined how hard emotionally the journey would be at times. I always blamed my fat for being unhappy, but once the fat is gone and I am still unhappy....now what?

Truer words have never been spoken. I am as guilty as the majority of society in the fact my 5 year old daughter now wants crap instead of nutritious food. As a baby, when she was too young to really ask for or get her own food she ate very well. Big on her veggies and fruits. But as she got older and I was being a lazy mom she was introduced to junk. I ate junk so she did too. I created the little food monster she is now. The only saving grace she has at this point is that she is not overweight. She tends to take after her father and doesn't struggle with weight issues. I did, even as a child. I am very aware of it and I am trying to turn the boat around, but it is like turning the Titanic. I know I would eat better and be less tempted if there was zero junk in our house. Yet I am still guilty, even after WLS, of wanting to buy treats for her. I have to really work on my mind set. I grew up in a family that ate a good, pretty nutritious home cooked dinner every night. But if you ate your dinner you got desert, so you cleaned your plate and then had junk after. I have to rewire my thinking that these "treats" are not a reward. They are not benefitting my daughter. The struggle is going to be now turning her away from the fast food, processed food and on to healthy eating. It is so easy to sabotage your life without even really knowing you are doing it. This post is a real eye opener and great advice!

One of my oldest and dearest friends had VSG surgery on 12/17/13. He has been doing absolutely fabulous. In fact, I am a little jealous at his success because he has trounced me in weight loss. ( He started his pre op diet 12/3 and since that date he has lost 85lbs. I started dieting on my own 8/1 and total, including post op weight loss since 10/21 surgery date, I have lost 75lbs) Ok, granted he is male. And he had a lot more weight to lose. But I have to admit I am jealous as all can be too. I know I should not be. And when we speak I do not mention my stupid, irrational feelings. Yet there is one issue that has me absolutely baffled and even more upset. I am two months ahead of him. I was a guide (of sorts) to him early on. I would share my experiences and thoughts with him as he prepared to journey through things I recently had. But since his surgery we have very little contact. I keep track of him through his weekly Youtube blogs. I can't understand what happened. We had planned to be there and support each other as we did this. We had discussed sharing food as neither of us could eat much, didn't want weeks worth of leftovers, yet wanted to create new recipes for our new lifestyles. I bought him a Yonana machine for his birthday last August, preparing for his coming surgery. In the two months between my surgery and his something happened, but what it was I don't know. Shortly after I had my surgery he sort of disappeared. I was not hearing from him and would have to reach out to him several times before we would actually connect. When he was struggling through the early stages of his pre op diet I tried to be as supportive as I could. I encouraged him and did all I could to be the friend he needed. Then he had his surgery. After that he shut down, at least towards me. During his recovery he was too tired or not feeling well and didn't want to chat. As he healed he continued the distance. He speaks about reconnecting with all his old friends on his video blogs, yet I am being left behind. I am not sure what the reason is. Maybe it is because I am his former fat friend, from his former fat life. Maybe he feels our friendship is toxic for his newfound healthier lifestyle. Yet I have changed too, I am not the fat friend I once was. I am the friend who has been there through many major life events with him. I held his had at his dad's funeral. I held his hand as he went through a fight with cancer. ( and came out of completely in remission) I accepted and supported him when he came out, even as he struggled with his family to accept. We have been through thick and thin together, literally. Yet now, when we were both at a place where support is critical and we are both on the same page....He has gone. Maybe I was expecting too much from him, I don't know. All I know is it really hurts me deeply that he is wanting to move on with his life so entirely while our friendship is being pushed aside. I truly thought both of us having the sleeve surgery would only ingrain our long time friendship that much deeper, but it appears I was wrong. Watching him from the sidelines is becoming hard to do. How do I celebrate my friend's success when it has meant our friendship is suffering?

Wow. I cannot believe I haven't blogged since surgery! I will blame it in the problems incurred from the switch over from the old site to new, but the truth is I have had a lot of emotions that have blocked me. I truly and honestly thought I was 100% ready and motivated for this surgery. Early out I held in there so well, being super careful to follow the plan to the letter. Heck I even had a lot of restriction early on, almost too much. But then it all changed. One day I realized I didn't feel the restriction I once had. I could eat more. I assume I healed and swelling went down and this is what I have, my new stomach. But I liked the post op one better, then one that couldn't hold as much. This one gets hungry. Hunger still feels the same post op, it just doesn't take the same amount of food to make hunger go away. I have learned the difference between what I feel like eating protein dense food, and what it feels like to eat junk. I wasn't going to be the person to mess back with junk, no not me!! Until the day I put that first bite of whatever it was in my mouth. My stomach didn't complain. I tolerated it. Flood gates opened back up. No, I haven't binged on a daily basis since I had my first slider food. But I have had entirely too many sliders since that occurred. It is only by the grace of God I have continued to lose weight, although slowly. To date I have lost 42 lbs in four months post op. I am just not one who posts the big numbers, for whatever reason. Maybe because I had lost a bit pre op, on my own diet. ( 33 lbs) Maybe I am just a slow loser. Or maybe , and yes I realize this is more likely than not, maybe it is because of my lack of conviction of late. Not only have I taken a walk on the slider side, I am also guilty of Couch Potato-itis. I have all kinds of ideas, plans to get up and get moving. But the end of the day I am not up, I am home sitting. I can blame it on a thousand different things.. I am a single mom (it is hard to make time with a 5yr old) I work 40+ hrs a week, I have other stuff to do etc. But the bottom line is I haven't done it. I need to exercise. At least part of me wants to. Yet I am a big lazy blob once the work day is over and I go home, take care of the dogs, and make supper. Weekends are only slightly better. At least one of the two days I spend hours running up and down stairs doing housework and laundry. The other day may or may not consist of watching tv. Occasionally we go do something...something. It has been a rather cruddy winter so I am ready to go outside and DO something, so is my daughter. There is a lot of outdoor activities I want to do this year as I have been unable to do them in years past with my weight, things I want to do with my daughter. But I also sort of worry I will cop out of that too, as I have done with each and every other thing I had planned to get myself moving. I just do no know what has caused this "ugh" factor in me. I was so darn pumped to get this surgery. I was so darn excited to lose the weight finally. Is it because I was have fantasies of returning to an "old" version of me? One that last hit one-derland in my twenties? I haven't been twenty in over twenty years, I can't go back! And let's not start on the toll the weight took on my body. I haven't been at my current weight in at least the past 17 years, but it is hard to enjoy it as much because of how bad I look. The decade of obesity has stretched the skin past its rebound point. I have rolls, just more deflated. My double chin is mostly gone but in its place are deep ridges no amount of facial exercise and firming cream is going to fix I fear. And my hair is....gone. As I have said many times over my situation is unique with other factors contributing to my hair loss. But dang....it is harder than I thought. I hate having to wear a wig, even if it does look good. And when the wig is off I absolutely cannot stand to see what is left. I look horrible. I look sick. It is so hard to stand and look at myself and enjoy what is happening (losing weight) when I cannot stand to look at my true self. Maybe that is why I stopped blogging. I am depressed. I am so hurt by what I allowed myself to become and now what it has done to my body. I can't go back, only forward. I still want to get the weight off. I want to reach goal, but I admit I am very scared. If I am so unhappy now (with my body) what will I feel when there is nothing left but sagging skin, wrinkles, a bald head and smaller clothes? Maybe some of my slider sabotage has been to stall that from coming. Maybe I am afraid I won't be happy when I am at goal, and then what? I have a lot to deal with, but then again who doesn't? I am going to try to blog more and hope I can talk my way through all of it. Sometimes just getting it out can be a first step. ( I hope)

I haven't gone into great length about the surgery (with her) as far as exactly what it entails etc. But I have been honest I am having it because she is obviously going to know something is going on. It is me and her, period. Her father chooses not to be part of her life. I have a very small family so there are not any extended family members I can turn to. She will be staying with her sitter a few days as I have surgery and heal some. I had to tell her because I didn't want her to worry. But as it was stated before, she is probably "picking up" on things. It IS a major life changer, and it will effect her life too. I do not mention the surgery much, but it is a coming fact of life. In the mean time I am allowing her to cling. I do not believe in any part of me anything bad is going to happen, yet you never know. I would hate to leave her behind feeling I brushed her off these past few weeks. I am giving her the extra love and attention, and maybe that is why she is picking up that something is up. But you are certainly right Ms skinniness, she IS precious!!!

My daughter Rowen is a very bright and perceptive four (almost five!) year old girl. Maybe it's because I am an "older" mother, or maybe because it is just the two of us, but she seems different than others her age. I mean that in a good way too. First of all she started early on talking in clear and concise sentences. Wasn't much baby talk or anything, her vocabulary picked up quickly. And her pronunciation has always been spot on. So a lot of people have a hard time believing she is only four. Yes, she does have a lot of traits typical of her age, but other things about her are more advanced. She notices things quickly, she gets that from me. She is very aware of her surroundings and what is happening at all times. Which sort of leads me to my blog topic....She knows. I told her up front and plainly I was having surgery to "lose weight and get healthy". I know everyone has opinions on how to handle telling their children, especially young ones. I chose to be honest. Rowen has had to deal with me being hospitalized for blood clots on a couple occassions now and it was scary to her. Mostly because each time was sudden andd unplanned. One day mommy is there, then she is in a hospital with things hooked up to her. So I wanted her to feel confident I was going to be ok this time, that I am planning this trip to the hospital. But in my confidence I am also being realistic and mature. I have drawn up a will and a living will. I know this is major surgery. I know I have a history of blood clots doing bad things to me. While every precaution in the world has been taken to ensure my safety, I know sometimes things just happen. So I am being an adult and dealing with every possibility. I am afraid my daughter has heard things though that are scaring her. I'm not sure. I know she has overheard me explaining the will/ living will to a couple people. I don't think she is old enough to grasp it. But I do know she has become super clingy of late. My child has never been the whiney momma's girl type. While we have always had a close bond, she has always been an independant girl. I have encourged it because I know it will help her succeed in life, make her a confident and outgoing person. But lately she is clinging. Suddenly she doesn't want me to leave her at the sitter's in the morning. (And this woman is like family, she has been with her since she was 6 weeks old!) In the evening Rowen wants to be on me every moment. She gets upset that I have to cook dinner, she just wants me to sit down so she can get on my lap. And she has been refusing to sleep in her bed. Again, never has been a problem. She isn't scared of her room, she just wants to be by me. I am afraid she is afraid. I don't know much of what to do. I reassure I will be ok. I talk of all the fun things we will do when I am "skinny" and able to. I think she is afraid I am going away. She has only known me as I am, obese. I am what is her normal. She has even told me I am fine and she doesn't want me to change. Even though she gets that I am much bigger than others, and that my weight makes me hurt and have problems, this has always been me. I even think her sudden desire to eat junk and snack all the time is her way of trying to emulate me, to be like me. ( which I actually don't do, but she knows eating like that will make her gain weight eventually) All I know to do right now is to show her I am here. I just love her and keep going. At this point, when it is so close, I think I just need to get through it. What better way to reassure that I am still mommy than to show her? Have the surgery, make the changes, and show her I love her all the same. I know that I will be able to be a much better mommy physically once the weight is gone. I just think right now a certain four year old is realizing "this" mommy (the obese one) has to go away, and part of her will really mourn the loss...

I have it! I have my approval. God was looking out for me and knew I would have a hard time waiting to hear. I called Anthem BC today to verify that the paperwork was indeed submitted, and much to my surprise I was told it was submitted AND approved 9/25! It's a small miracle that I received same day approval because I would have been a basket case waiting! LOL She said I am approved for a 1 day stay from 10/21-10/22. My first question was " this is a two day thing, but only approved one day?" She said it is standard to just submit for one day, then they will add the additional day at the time. Then my wheels turned a little further and thought about the date. I asked her how that day was chosen and she said it was the date my surgeon applied for. So being the ever brilliant detective I am (I say laughing) I deduced that is my surgery date - 10/21. Apparently they have it as a tentative schedule when submitting for approval, but do not tell us until after they have the approval. So I am one up on my surgeon- I know my date! LOL I am a mixture of emotions, which I expected. What I am sort of surprised about is that I am strangely calm too. I am really so very thankful that this is happening. I would have been devastated to get anything but an approval. And the way it has all worked out....Well all I can say is a higher power certainly had to have a hand in it. The date is exactly as I hoped, four days after my birthday. So October will forever be my birthday, and my rebirth day!!! I should be feeling pretty good ( knock wood ) by my daughter's birthday on 11/3, and should be back to my (new) normal by the holidays. I also reap the benefit of having already met my cap out of pocket amount for the year through insurance ( thanks DVT and PE) so this should cost me next to nothing! I am truly, truly happy and thankful and excited. I realize there will be rough patches ahead and will deal with them as they come. But right now I am on cloud nine and will save this feeling for those times...

Thanks ElginChris..I am right behind you! LOL Before we both know it surgery will be done and we will be living in our new (improved) bodies!!!

...and I just can't hide it! Just spoke with my surgeon's office. All of my paperwork and clearances have been received and she will be submitting it all to my insurance TOMORROW for approval!! The girl who does it is actually pretty cool and we have chatted a few times, so I don't think she is blowing smoke up my butt. She knows I am very excited so I hope she does follow through...Now I pray ( and yes- stress) for a quick approval. My fear and nerves may start to take over, so I just need to stay focused and positive. If I am this excited about this, imagine how I will be when I get approval!!!! I probably better bring a spare pair of pants with me to work for a while, I may need them!!! LMAO The timing could not be any better. I have been seriously struggling lately. I lost some of my momentum. Like everyone who struggles with weight I have been plagued with doubts and self sabotage. My will power has been turning to "won't" power. I have lost 20lbs since 8/1 and I am very happy and proud about that. But, without the surgery, I don't see much more coming off. I need the restriction. I need that extra "umphf" to get me past my head. I need the surgery. I am just so very, very happy my journey is moving in the right direction!!!

My PCP is the culprit of the delayed record share. I received a call back from them yesterday afternoon and the nurse told me they will be sending everything over tomorrow. (Friday) Apparently they have an outside company that comes in a couple times a month that handles these types of requests. She also said only one year of the two required is actually already in a computer file, therefore the earlier records have to be pulled manually. ( And scanned to be sent) To be honest it probably is not a lot of info. I did not have a lot of medical contact in 2012. So my surgeon's office will have everything they need from my PCP tomorrow. I hope the pulmonary evaluation report will be in too. It will be a week since the tests were ran. I may call the pulmonologists' office tomorrow to find out. So if they have all the records and needed clearances by tomorrow I am keeping my fingers ( and toes and eyes) crossed that they will submit them to insurance next week. That will probably be the most nerve wracking time, waiting to see if I am approved. Given I have a BMI in the 50s, (for several years) severe osteoarthritis in my knees, a history of DVTs and PEs and permanent vascular damage in my right leg I SHOULD be approved without problem. But there is a small nagging fear in the back of my mind that says I do not have the "big" co-morbidities of high blood pressure or diabetes. Those are two things that would pretty much guarantee approval with my insurance. I am scared to death that I have set myself on this path, I am determined it is my "salvation" of sorts, and that I could be denied and not get the surgery. That would devastate me to no end. I do not want my health to get worse. I do not want further damage done to my leg to the point I could actually lose it. (worst case scenario of course) I do not want to be the "fat mom" who is unable to be an active part in her child's life. My daughter already has to deal with the fact I am the "old" mom, at least I would like to be the active, highly energetic older mom who is not limited by her body! I have zero doubts that this is the path I need to be on. Yes, I have fear of major surgery. ( You would have to be pretty numb not to) But I have no reservations about what the sleeve means and how it will effect my life. I so hope I end 2013 starting my new life. Nothing else is acceptable now. It is now a waiting game. A very stressful, anxiety ridden, nail biting, difficult wait. My entire future depends on the outcome of the decision made by insurance. Some office flunky will have my life in their hands....