OK, this is awful so don't read if you are easily offended and do not appreciate a sick sense of humor.
Warning! Don't read if you are easily offended!
Last Warning! Sick Humor below!!!!!
Shanked in prison... Shuts them up every time! - VSGKirk
Some idiot: What happened?
You: I had abdominal surgery.
Idiot: What kind?
You: The kind that involves the abdominal area. - newat52
Tijuana knife fight. - Kristina J.
I had some "woman issues " - chell1978
Texas mosquito bites
I was knifed by an exotic dancer in TJ.
Full contact scrapbooking injury...
When you get the weird look, you can fill in that scrapbooking is getting really intense now that scrappers are trying to make the hobby "athletic enough" for the Olympics.
Bears. But never mind my scar, you should check out my awesome new rug!
My wife said somtimes I don't know my place.
Tell them you are trying to avenge your father and ask if they have six fingers on their right hand.
Two words, "Satin sheets"
I don't want to go into details, but suffice to say, I won't be allowed in that Benihana for a while.
The first rule of Fight Club is 'don't talk about Fight Club'
They say you can't get blood from a stone - well, the IRS tried!
Remember when your mom told you not to run with scissors?
I was watching the DIY network and they did a show on bodylifts...
A zombie tried to eat my brains and missed.
Tell them as much as you'd love to talk about it you just can't because your defense attorney and parole officer advised you to keep your mouth shut until after the trial.
I got this in a bar fight when I used to ride with Hells Angels.
That's where the aliens probed me
Don't worry about it. Because of me, they now have a to put on warning labels!
Well, let me just tell you this: You should NEVER EVER, under ANY circumstances, go out with a guy/girl that you met on the internet.
"I was oyster hunting." They give me a blank stare. Then I say, with a wink, "You've obviously never been oyster hunting before."
I was at this party with Marilyn Manson and everyone was giving out hugs.
I lost a fight with a can of tuna fish.
I slipped while making a salad.
I fell asleep, and the clown got me.
I'll just put it this way: when they tell you not to feed the bears, it's for a damned good reason.
I'm a blade sharpness tester
"I had an accident with a scalpel." [person asks why] "Well, you know that guy who woke up in an ice bath and his kidney was gone? Er... this had nothing to do with it. Honest."
You know how dogs chase their tails? Well it has nothing to do with that. Nor does it have anything to do with cat scratches. Or the faeries that visit me nightly *ramble on*... What was I talking about?
I thought those security tags on pants just sprayed ink, but apparently they spray shards of broken glass, too.
"Oh, these?" *embarrassed face* "I know they look horrible, but the sex was INCREDIBLE!"
"...Are you consipring aginast me? What's with all the questions? Who wants to know the answers?" *and upon interrupting "I'm doing the talking here" and then continue to ramble until they back away. "...They'll come and get you too. Run while you still can"
Knifed by an exotic dancer. Terrible. Yes, they're nasty that way.
I had unprotected sex with a porcupine.
I took my lizards for a walk and they held on for dear life.
The neighborhood cat and I had a disagreement about the paw prints on my truck.
The police didn't comply with the terrorists' demands fast enough, so they took it out on us hostages.
I keep falling off of cliffs trying to catch that damned roadrunner.
The voices told me to do it.
I did this as a sacramental offering to my dark lord, you prick. ::Smile::
In my past life I was a ninja.
It sucks having parents who are sadists.
My boyfriend and I accidentally went overboard during our last S & M session.
I moon light as a stunt-woman who dives through glass windows.
Look at your scars and frown You mean you don’t have any?
Well, last time it was an alien baby. I’m actually kind of relieved.
I had a narrow escape from a firing squad.
Now that is an interesting question; it all ties in with the eternal enigma: why are we here, for what purpose does life on earth exist? go on about the meaning of life until everyone gets bored and goes away
Carving a turkey is harder than it looks
You want me to show you? smile evily
Don’t EVER give blood abroad!
Well, I tend to get a little violent with the computer when it doesn’t cooperate.
Oh those? Bad juggling accident. I don’t like to talk about it. I’m much better now
Oh these? Hmm, I dunno, they’ve just always been there. Well, I mean, ever since I took over this body, anyway. Strange, don’t you think?
Ozzy Osborne is my uncle and we have some kick butt family reunions!
Those psychology experiments are soooo not worth the extra credit…
Oh my god! Never, EVER try taking candy from a baby!
A reminder of my Pirating days....
My trained attack dragon did before I got him trained...
I had a duel.
Did you know chickens aren't all soft and fluffy?
Playing Slug Bug with a cat is a reaaally bad idea.
Oh this? *point at scar* That's where my twin used to be attached.
Lightsaber battle
I kicked Chuck Norris' ass all I got was this lousy scar!
Tell them you had to help Jack Bauer escape from the Russians and that's the last time you'll cover his pansy ass.
Narrowly escaped a zombie attack
Fell on the runway-it's Fashion Week
Rachel Ray's dog attacked me.
I just tell people it's a "sex wound."
My husband is ... just ... a WILD MAN, what can I say?
That's all folks!
Really, that's all there is.
No hablo the english? There isn't anymore. Stop scrolling!
Ok, okay, one last one.
It's where the alien burst out. What, you think they only come out of chests?
10 days ago,while on holiday no less,I stopped smoking.It has been a challenge but I am not going to smoke again.I decided not to stress too much about my eating as I have visitors that eats nothing but junk and carbs.They do not eat any of the food we usually eat.For some reason this made me super self concious and I started cooking rubbish and eating it too.
Yesterday I weighed and was up 5 pounds already.This made me realize a couple of things.This is out life and my house.If they dont like the food we usually eat,let them either cook for themselves or go get takeouts.My kids have alos gained weight already and my little 12 year old is a gymnast and competition time is coming up.She cannot afford to gain weight now.
So I started cooking healthy foods again and I am down 2 pounds already.Avoiding the carbs just a little and sugar completely.Sugar is not my friend..lol.
The health issues are still there but as soon as the visitors are gone I will see the phycisian again.My hands and feet are a little better but I still have a lot of pain.The bruising comes and goes and the back and neck ache seems to be under control.
Life is good.I have decided to tackle issues as they come up and not regret anything about having the sleeve.I LIKE BEING THINNER THAN EVERYONE ELSE.it makes me feel great and I will keep it this way.No matter what.
We stayed at a stunning resort last week.There were these "toys" (a trampoline a bananna slide ect ect) in the sea.Usually I couldnt get on these things and would never even attempt to.But with a little ecouragement from the kids I got onto each and everyone of those things and we had a ball of a time.This again made me realize how different life is now.
Of course the fact that I fit into a size 10 (UK) freaked me out completely..lol.The size 36B bra is totally crazy as well.
So,this is me for now.Enjoying life,trying to find the balance with the food and just getting use to the new normal I now live.
If you asked me this morning I would say there was no way I could handle this. However, I feel so much better this evening! Yay me!! I showered, which I think was the best part of the day's progress!! LOL. The gas is slowly but surely getting better. I ate some protein, definitely need to get much more in tomorrow. I kept my water up pretty well, got in about 45 ounces, I know I need to get more in but it's only been 3 days. Tomorrow I plan on trying some decaf tea. Then Sunday I plan on trying some skim milk. I figure as long as I give myself a goal a day I can get through this. I go to the Dr on the 19th and that is when I can start soft foods again, that should be a whole new world but until then I plan on a new liquid a day to mix it all up a bit I hope this is what I should be doing. I walked around alot today and that definitely helped! The fact that it was warmer out today was nice. I hope to sleep well tonight with all the fresh air and walking I did today. I can't believe how much I am looking forward to drinking tea tomorrow! LOL. The little things in life, as they say! I hope everyone is well tonight!
