I planned this surgery for a year. I dreamed about it for a lot longer than that. So, when my surgery finally got approved and scheduled, I immediately hid it from almost everyone close to me. No one at my office knows I was sleeved. Only my husband, best friend, 2nd Mom (my mom's best friend.... She stands in for my Mom), and one brother (of five siblings). Everyone else knows the "vague truth" story.... A procedure done to remove some of the fat in my liver and "roto-rooting" to discourage more fat build-up in my otherwise compromised liver. Still.... Sort of the truth. So, what's the big deal? Why am I hesitant to just say, "yeah, I got sleeved to lose weight?" Why is there shame around that? Is it because John Q Public who has always been height-weight proportionate is quick to judge it? It's the easy way out, right? More admiration and respect goes to those who lose weight on their own and keep it off. Right? Somehow, this is cheating?
It's cheating to sacrifice 80% of a vital organ for the REST of my LIFE? It's the easy way out to never get to enjoy a big Thanksgiving meal with my family EVER again? I'm taking a short cut by undergoing general anesthesia and getting punctured - not once - but five times in the gut? It's just a vacation for me knowing my hair is going to fall out and I can only hope it grows back?
Right. Still, I feel the social stigma of the shame that goes with. Today, I've been reflecting on this. And this is the peace I'm making with it.
Society says they admire a person who loses weight "on their own." This includes people using appetite suppressants. An appetite suppressant is just a tool to prop them up, but THEY are the ones doing the HARD work. THEY are having to change their eating habits and choices. They couldn't do it without the appetite suppressant. It is a needed tool to accomplish their ultimate goal - lose weight.
The sleeve IS AN APPETITE SUPPRESSANT. The difference is, IT actually WORKS, and works for the long-term FAR FAR FAR better than any prescription drug that is swallowed. And, I'm not adding chemicals to my body. I'm not forgetting to take it, or changing my mind about taking it, or dealing with unpleasant side effects. I have an appetite suppressant THAT REALLY WORKS! And, after the weight comes off, I won't rebound like most people do who "do it themselves" (according to John Q Public).
So, I am thinking that we Sleevers have a responsibility to TEACH others. We have every right to hold our heads up with pride for being COURAGEOUS ENOUGH to make this lifelong commitment to change a lifelong brainwashing about healthy-eating and healthy-living. I refuse to accept any snide remarks from anyone. I will communicate pity to them for their ignorance and lack of evolving. And, I'll certainly offer to enlighten them on how one should think about their health going into the 21st Century.
Sleeving isn't just giving me my life back. It is SAVING my life. I'm not ashamed of myself. I'm PROUD of me! I found a RELIABLE tool to use to lose weight. The most reliable tool available.
So, I think I'll write a song about this struggle and drama and love/hate relationship with food and my experiences with being obese....errr, I'm FAT...then I'll sing it and it'll be OVER. Ha ha ha... well, maybe not.
Maybe I'll change the saying to "It ain't over till the fat lady sleeves!"
There are so many things I can't do, or choose not to do because of my weight. It's like a prison in ways (weighs)..and self-imposed sometimes, other times because of things I can't control.
Some things are just literally impossible to do. Like running, fitting into a roller coaster seat, etc. Other things I won't do because it embarrasses me to do it or I'm afraid of being judged (wearing shorts, having my picture taken) Silly and sad and vain at times, but true.
Singing is one of those things in my life that people say I should do more of. Why don't I?
It's because of my weight. I absolutely LOVE to sing, and I believe I'm pretty good at it. My husband even bought me a guitar last Christmas and I attempted to learn to play it three or four times till it made me cry trying to hold it and play it with nearly no lap and a belly that looks like I'm about 7 months pregnant. Then, of course, I feel guilty because it looks like I didn't totally adore him for buying it for me - he loves me to sing.
Of course, being overweight doesn't prevent me from singing, physically speaking, other than I seem to have more limits on my lung capacity. There is, however, the lack of energy, and being depressed about being unable to lose weight without WLS and be healthy and realizing how it affects my family and my goals and our future... all add up to mean I don't feel much like singing these days. I admit the way I look affects my self acceptance and esteem. What's there to sing about? Yeah, and the occasional pity party.
So, WLS is my "swan song"...lol. I'm gonna be the fat lady singing that my losing battle with FAT is OVER. I'm gonna use this WLS tool to kick the BUTT of obesity in my life!
And, this got me to thinking about all those "little things" and "big things" I will be so very happy to do again, or things that will be different (in a good way), whether it's because of the physical limits, or because I choose not to because of my weight and size and my feelings of guilt and frustration for not keeping myself healthy and fit.
So, the parts of my life or things that will change or improve when I am at my healthy goal weight --- (from 295 to 150-ish)
Energy - Hugs - Clothing - Shoes - Less pain - Marriage - Travel - Sleep - Pictures - Singing - Swelling - Exercise - Activities - Social life - Family get-togethers - Summertime - well, here's some detail...in no particular order and by no means complete:
1. I can walk into a "normal people" department store and find a cute dress that fits me. How happy I will feel... because I will always remember what it was like before, at 300 lbs....
(No more crying in the dressing room, I have to get a bigger size? good grief, how hard it is to
move around just to change clothes because I'm sweating and it's a small space and the mirror
is mean to me.)
2. I can wear cute shoes. I can wear strappy sandals. I can wear heels. I can put shoes on without holding my breath.
(No more "supportive" shoes for plantar faciitis-hopefully, so no more heel pain and knee pain,
hip pain that presently prevent the heels and cute shoes I want to wear)
3. I can sleep.. fall asleep for a nap anywhere... spend the night anywhere. Sleep will be good.
(No more CPAP needed. Sleep Apnea cured.)
4. Climb stairs, walk fast, walk all day shopping
(No more getting totally out of breath to the point I black out or wheezing like I am dying)
5. Fit in things/seats.... - be it plane, train, roller coaster... or restaurant booth, movie theater, desk chair, swing, stadium seat.
(No more fear of breaking a chair, not fitting and being told I'm too heavy, no more pain in chairs
that are not big enough for me, no fear of the terribly judgmental looks from passengers on a
plane or train as they see me get on - hoping I'm not sitting next to them...uugghh)
6. ENERGY ... Oh my, that one applies to so many areas - or every area of life.
7. Sex ... I'll leave the details unsaid - but this is a priority. It's gonna be better than my present weight allows it to be.
8. Mom & Grandmother things - My grown children are close to marrying age and in serious relationships which means upcoming weddings and not too many years till they'll be having kids, too. The thought of being healthy, energetic and active for the future is great motivation here too.
9. Long life - My husband and I have been married three years this July. It's not our first go-around, and we have a LOT of things to enjoy as we grow together and we want a long, enjoyable future - not one filled with pain, health problems and limitations.
10. I'll SING - I have committed to pursue this talent in a way that will be personally fulfilling and hopefully inspirational. It's not that I can't sing now, while I'm overweight... but I feel as though losing my excess weight will be like a curtain lifting to reveal the "me" I've been all along, but finally I admitted needing help to find again.
So many more... but for now, that's what I'll remind myself of today. This is why the surgery will be worth it. The pain, the challenge, the new habits, the struggles, the day to day choices, the realization and commitment to the lifestyle changes, and the milestones that may come slowly.
Flutterby (it's gotta be what butterflies were really called first... there it goes, fluttering by) and I'm coming out of this cocoon too... soon!
Subtitle: I'm no longer obese! I'm no longer obese!
I never in my life thought I'd be so happy to utter these words! I weighed in this morning at 227.0. That calculates to a BMI of 29.9, and I'm no longer considered obese! I was 227.6 yesterday, so I knew it would be a matter of days.
In less than 8 short weeks, I've moved from obese to overweight, have cut my blood pressure medication dosage in half, and stopped taking my prescription Prilosec. Next goals: I'm 3 lbs away from losing 50, getting off my BP med completely, and getting off my CPAP machine (AKA the medieval torture device). Another (perhaps less realistic) goal is to lose 7 lbs by May 13. May 13 is my 13th wedding anniversary, and I'd love to get down to the same weight I was then (220). It will be hard, because my weight loss has slowed this past week or so, but I know it's possible.
